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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He put DD in his clothes.

95 replies

Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 22:39

AIBU to be mortified by this? My DD goes to her father's every fortnight, he works cash in hand and has enough money to pay for his cosplay and Xbox and weekends out drinking with mates so assumed he would have money to buy his daughter clothing. Especially since he doesn't pay maintenance. Well I saw my DD in a cafe with her grandparents and father on the Saturday and she was wearing a pair of jeans I sent her in, her hair unbrushed and matted and one of her father's T-shirts. They were sat in a cafe opposite Primark.
WIBU to say something about him sending out 6 year old DD out in his t-shirts. She looked atrocious and he was dressed smartly.
She came home and told me that her father made her wear it because he didn't have clothes for her there...

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2018 22:43

Totally poor show, I would question why was she wearing his clothes, when she has other perfectly nice ones, why was her hair not brushed.

Original poster
Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 22:49

@Aeroflotgirl your answer is as good as mine as she left me the Friday evening and was in the cafe like that on the Saturday afternoon.
They had treated her to what looked like a massive cake as well, which would have cost about the same as a t-shirt from Primark so no excuse not to have gone and bought her one.

OP posts:
Fluffypinkpyjamas · 07/08/2018 22:51

I wouldn’t send her. Why doesn’t he pay maintenance?

Original poster
Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 22:53

@fluffypinkpyjamas he works cash in hand, I have no proof so can't claim for maintenance and he says he'll give me money but never does. I had no idea he wasn't dressing her properly otherwise I wouldn't have sent her.

OP posts:
agnurse · 07/08/2018 22:54

Fluffy

The OP may not have much of a choice. I cannot speak to laws in her area, but where I live you can't tie visitation/custody to maintenance. So, if you aren't getting to see your children you can't refuse to pay maintenance, and if the other parent isn't paying you can't deny them access.

I agree that this doesn't sound appropriate, but telling the child that she can't see her father really punishes HER as much as it does HIM and could lead to resentment on her part. Maintenance is an adult affair, not a child one.

cariadlet · 07/08/2018 22:57

There's no excuse for her having unbrushed, matted hair but the clothes thing could just be a lack of communication.

Did you send her with a change of clothes? Did you ask her before you sent her if she has any clothes at her dad's? Have you ever talked to her dad about what the set up is at his house eg what clothes, toiletries, toys etc he has there for her? If he's a bit useless then he probably needs to have things spelt out for him.

Wearing her dad's t-shirt is far from ideal, but at least he'd made the effort to take her out and was treating her to a nice cake and was making sure that she got to see her grandparents. She could have been sat at his house, bored out of her mind while he played on his x-box.

IceCreamFace · 07/08/2018 22:57

I personally think people worry far too much about what their kids wear - the focus should be on them being comfy and able to run about BUT a 6 year old in a man's T-shirt is ridiculous as it clearly wouldn't even fit her and even a completely unimage-obsessed child would feel self conscious. Also while I don't think she needs to have her hair made to look pretty in any way it needs to be brushed everyday or it will become a nightmare and have to be chopped off.

Smellbellina · 07/08/2018 22:58

DD’s get sent with all clothes they need when they go to their dads as he has none there, they all get sent home to be washed, half unworn as they sometimes go to bed in the clothes they were sent in! And they certainly don’t brush their hair. But, they’re happy and they feel loved and they enjoy their time with him so I don’t comment. As long as I send what they need they can change if they want to. They’re happy and safe and they brush their teeth so I just be positive. Don’t fight the small things.

IceCreamFace · 07/08/2018 22:58

It sounds like pure laziness. If they could afford to go to a cafe they could have popped to primary first and bought an appropriate top for her.

thousandpapercranes · 07/08/2018 22:59

Maintenance and contact are completely separate. You cannot stop your dc from seeing her dad no matter how little he cares about his own child’s well being.

Your ex is a dick. The end.

AjasLipstick · 07/08/2018 23:00

How old is she OP? Didn't you send her with some clothes to get changed into? Not that he SHOULDN'T buy her clothes but I suppose this isn't her first contact weekend with him and you were aware he's not a responsible Father?

Original poster
Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 23:00

@cariadlet the arrangement has been for years that he provides her with clothing, toys etc there. I've never sent her with clothing except what she's wanted to take ie a favourite jumper or toy. He's always told me he has everything for her and never asked. There was no miscommunication he's just obviously not bothered to buy her new clothes since she's grown.

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 07/08/2018 23:01

Maintenance and contact aren’t separate as the amount of contact (overnights) impacts on maintenance calculations?

Original poster
Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 23:03

Just to clarify to everyone I've never even thought to try and stop contact over maintenance I only mentioned it as he doesn't pay it to me so figured he'd have the money to pay for her when she's there!

OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 07/08/2018 23:05

If you aren’t sending her with clothes I’d be more worried about her having clean underwear, than her wearing one of his shirts

Original poster
Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 23:07

@homemadearmy he's always told me.he has everything there for her, knickers, socks, tops, trousers so I've never thought I'd need to send anything. She's been going for 5 years since we split up so I wouldn't start sending clothes now when for 5 years he's claimed to provide for her during those weekends

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 07/08/2018 23:07

This is a common issue OP. One I've seen multiple times on Mumsnet.

If I were you I would send DD with a change of clothes from now on.

It's not that you should be the only one to buy her clothing but now you know he's neglecting that side of things, then you really have to make sure she's got enough things to change into.

You know your ex....is it worth mentioning to him or will he just ignore you?

AjasLipstick · 07/08/2018 23:08

You "wouldn't start sending clothes now"?? Hmm You'd rather your child was ill-clad then?

thousandpapercranes · 07/08/2018 23:08

This situation is so alien to parents who don’t have to deal with this day in and day out.

In my case my girls hair is not brushed for 6days! Go figure who has to sit for an hour trying to brush out the matts. I’m not concerned about what my girls wear, but when they’re dressed in one layer in mid winter whilst ex arrives in three or my tall (132cm) 6yr old wearing my 4yr olds clothes, it drives me bonkers. But what can you do.

Justgettothepoint · 07/08/2018 23:10

I spose he doesn't want to spend contact time clothes shopping? Not saying it's right OP but a man thing? Just send enough clothes for while she's there. I guess she didn't have clean socks toothbrush etc then? Well at least he sees her some don't bother and if she's happy seeing him then you'll just have to let it go even though it must be annoying.

GabsAlot · 07/08/2018 23:11

hes an arsehole-no money and visits arent exclusive but he shold have some fucking clothes for his daughter who he doesnt payh a penny for its not on

InsomniacAnonymous · 07/08/2018 23:11

AjasLipstick "How old is she OP?"

It says she's 6 in the first post.

AjasLipstick · 07/08/2018 23:13

Oh yes! I looked twice and missed that. Thanks.

Justgettothepoint · 07/08/2018 23:13

About the hair a friend of mine was a wkend dad and he said he had pribs brushing his dds long hair. Explained to him that if he brushed it starting from the bottom working his way up then it would be easier. He was really grateful as his ex had never told him. Prob just hadn't thought to tbf.

Touchmybum · 07/08/2018 23:14

If he is kind, loving and considerate to her in every other way, then I'd just suck it up and send a proper change of clothing. Maybe she had a 'spill' and it was an 'emergency'?

Don't worry, she won't wear unsuitable clothes for much longer - she will soon tell him what she will and will not wear!