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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He put DD in his clothes.

95 replies

Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 22:39

AIBU to be mortified by this? My DD goes to her father's every fortnight, he works cash in hand and has enough money to pay for his cosplay and Xbox and weekends out drinking with mates so assumed he would have money to buy his daughter clothing. Especially since he doesn't pay maintenance. Well I saw my DD in a cafe with her grandparents and father on the Saturday and she was wearing a pair of jeans I sent her in, her hair unbrushed and matted and one of her father's T-shirts. They were sat in a cafe opposite Primark.
WIBU to say something about him sending out 6 year old DD out in his t-shirts. She looked atrocious and he was dressed smartly.
She came home and told me that her father made her wear it because he didn't have clothes for her there...

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 08/08/2018 03:52

Tell him what you saw and establish if he actually does have enough correctly fitting clothes for her.

Let him know where he can pick up done cheap stuff from. ...good old Primark.

If it's a problem for him...then I'd buy a few pairs of leggings and tops and send her over with them next time.

Would your DD not have mentioned to you if this was happening all the time though ?

tildaMa · 08/08/2018 04:16

@Homemadearmy

I would gently question her when she comes home. Maybe she took a liking to his top and he said she could wear it.

Did you even read the OP?

She came home and told me that her father made her wear it because he didn't have clothes for her there...

Zommum · 08/08/2018 05:18

You should ask for maintenance. If you don't get it, report him. He will be in a lot of trouble.

ladybirdsaredotty · 08/08/2018 05:20

What does she wear home when she returns to you? The clothes you sent her there in?

I'd be pretty resentful being the RP and still having to hand hold an ExDP through the fact that yes, his child requires clothes, what clothes shops are and where they are, what a hairbrush is and how to use it but I suppose you may have to if a discussion with him doesn't end up changing the situation. And yes, I would certainly discuss it with him!

I actually do think the hair brushing thing is an issue, and may potentially indicate that he also hasn't ensured that she's brushed her teeth, etc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2018 05:52

Do you have an ok relationship with him? I’d send him a text and ask him if he’s bought your dd some larger clothes. She mentioned she doesn’t have any, which fit and had to wear his. Remind him to ask her to brush her hair and teeth every day as she’s coming home with very matted hair and once that happens it hurts to brush it. Perhaps he doesn’t realise how painful brushing matted hair is.

You poor dd will be mortified as she gets older. I hadn’t thought about being a target to a paedophile but I totally see how that happens.

EdisonLightBulb · 08/08/2018 06:08

I would send clothes, hair brush and detangle spray, toothbrush and paste.

Then I would anonymously report the twat for benefit fraud and tax evasion. Your child isn't seeing this money, why should the rest of us sub him?

Original poster

Rosie342 · 08/08/2018 07:15

@charliecatpaws what a knob you ex is. I'm sorry you had to go through such dickish behaviour!

OP posts:

Fresta · 08/08/2018 07:24

If dd lives with you then it would be strange to send her to visit her father without packing her a bag of clothes for her stay.

LouBlue1507 · 08/08/2018 07:55

If you saw your DD and Ex with in the cafe with your own eyes, why didn't you go in there there and then and ask why she was wearing his top?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2018 08:02

Fresta
Why? Op doesn’t get a bean in child costs. Then she risks losing her dds clothes she bought as well. He sounds disorganised enough for this to happen. It is the responsibility of the nrp to clothe and feed his child when he is with him. Stating that it’s a norm to send clothes is suggesting it’s a norm to send toys to be kept there or food. Yes many parents choose to send their child extra clothes as the other parent can’t or won’t buy any.

Original poster

Rosie342 · 08/08/2018 08:14

@loublue1507 i didnt want to go in there and make a scene to further embarrass my DD more. He would have started shouting in the cafe and I had my youngest DD with me as well.

OP posts:

Creatureofthenight · 08/08/2018 08:17

Some people seem to be missing that her ex has always said he has clothes for DD, so obviously she hasn’t been sending any. And if he doesn’t pay maintenance then she’s quite right to expect him to carry on doing so.
OP, next time your DD is going to her dads, could you ring him to check he has clothes? If he says yes, just say you thought you’d check as DD said she had to wear dads t shirt. Then hopefully he’ll explain what happened.

Original poster

Rosie342 · 08/08/2018 08:25

I've messaged telling him it's unacceptable and had he given me any notice I would have sent clothing down. Let's just see what he says

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 08/08/2018 08:34

What a twerp. No excuse.

Excited0803 · 08/08/2018 08:36

She needs a full set of clothes at your house, why wouldn't you just send her with clothes to her Dad's and he must bring them back? It seems like she's the only one who will suffer by you sticking to this plan that he is to buy her a full set of outfits too. In the best case scenario, what happens when she goes in one outfit and comes back in another, but wants that first one during the week? It's an unnecessary complication.

On maintenance, either he pays up everything he owes you or you contact the Child Maintenance Service for them to follow up. He's much more at risk dodging tax if you report him; does he claim benefits too? If you let him know that reporting him is your plan once any payment is over a week / a month late, you might find he gets more keen to pay.

Herja · 08/08/2018 08:39

£1.35 is how much a kids t shirt costs in primark. He's a twat. Whether a lazy one or a cunty one I don't know, but a twat none the less.

Original poster

Rosie342 · 08/08/2018 08:40

@excited0803 like I've said in previous posts he's always told me he has everything he needs for her.

OP posts:

allthatmalarkey · 08/08/2018 08:45

I'd say something. The arrangement has been that you don't have to send clothes. I'm surprised at posters advising you to change that even temporarily. I'd be gentle though, you sound (understandably) angry, but his reasons for not buying her new size on time might just be that he's been thick about it, not that he prioritises his hobbies over her. You are not resolving the relationship you used to have, you're giving him a prod to remember what she needs.

AngkorWaat · 08/08/2018 08:46

I’m sorry most of the replies here seem to be blaming you OP. Imagine if as a mother I didn’t bother to buy any clothes for my kids, just let them walk around in my own t shirts and couldn’t be bothered to brush their hair? There’d be enough to say about my parenting.

If he doesn’t know how to brush hair then he has an Xbox so he is aware of how to use the fucking internet to YouTube how to look after little girl’s hair. How dare he not pay a penny towards her and then not even bother to clothe her when she is with him.

OP for me it would show signs that she is not being looked after in other ways whilst there, and I’d want to look into that further. I say that as someone who totally understands how important it is to encourage he as much contact as possible with a non resident parent, but come on. Just because he’s a man he doesn’t have a free pass on basic care for his child.

MissusGeneHunt · 08/08/2018 08:46

OP, he's clearly not providing as you say, despite saying that he does. Just pack up a few bits for her next time, as PPs have suggested, but make sure they come back when she comes home to you!

Ennirem · 08/08/2018 08:53

Not saying it's right OP but a man thing? Just send enough clothes for while she's there.

Yeeeees, the woman should definitely tidy up after the man's mess, even when she's no longer with him, because it's a man thing that he can't buy clothes in advance for his daughter. And all the posters laying a guilt trip on the OP ("well if you know what he's like, no matter how unfair it is, you should do all his work for him and smile about it FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DAUGHTER pearl clutch ") - really? Really???

No wonder so many men are so fucking useless when so many women are willing to give them a get out of jail free card just by dint of them having a penis.

Excited0803 · 08/08/2018 08:53

Sorry @Rosie342, I did see that and didn't directly address it but moved straight to solutions. The reason is that it seems to me like you've caught out now that he's doing an even worse job than you thought; but you're pushing for him to admit that he's screwed up rather than just accepting he's useless and moving on to a solution for the future that will work for your daughter. I get that he's useless and annoying and you're angry for your daughter, but you've already left him and she wants contact, so the lowest stress solution may be that it just makes sense to tell him you will in future send stuff with her and he has to look after her from there. If he's capable of washing her clothes nicely then demand that he does that, otherwise ask him not to do her washing if you think he's so useless that he might screw that up. Likewise make sure she has a hairbrush, toothbrush etc; at 6 she can start learning to do some of that care for herself.

Excited0803 · 08/08/2018 08:56

@Ennirem - I can understand why you pick on the unfairness, but how does that reduce stress for @Rosie342 or her daughter? You're advocating a bloody big row. Ok. Then what? We have s man so bloody useless he can't get one top and brush the girl's hair! So what does that bloody big row actually achieve except more stress?

SlowDown76mph · 08/08/2018 08:59

I'd say (text or email) that you saw your daughter in this state and having spoken to her you are concerned. Be straightforward. Ask if he is having issues providing her with her own change of clothes and seeing to her hygiene needs (hair, teeth, washing). Depending on the response, you can decide what you need to do next.

1CantPickAName · 08/08/2018 09:15

I completely understand OP. My dd’s will come back from their dads in the clothes they left in, or once in their pj’s! A weekend without brushing hair or teeth, yuck!
But he is their dad, I can’t tell him how to parent them and I’d lose it if he tried to tell me how to parent them.

I French plait their hair when they go to stay with their dad then it can stay like that for a couple of days. I pack a toothbrush and toothpaste and clothes that I’m not going to care if I never see them again.
He loves them and I know they are safe when with him. He’s lazy and thoughtless, but that’s why I’m not with him anymore! The girls love him and I do think that if he can’t be bothered to put a little effort into looking after their basic needs, how much longer are they going to want to go and stay with him?

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