He put DD in his clothes.

[Rosie342]

AIBU to be mortified by this? My DD goes to her father's every fortnight, he works cash in hand and has enough money to pay for his cosplay and Xbox and weekends out drinking with mates so assumed he would have money to buy his daughter clothing. Especially since he doesn't pay maintenance. Well I saw my DD in a cafe with her grandparents and father on the Saturday and she was wearing a pair of jeans I sent her in, her hair unbrushed and matted and one of her father's T-shirts. They were sat in a cafe opposite Primark.
WIBU to say something about him sending out 6 year old DD out in his t-shirts. She looked atrocious and he was dressed smartly.
She came home and told me that her father made her wear it because he didn't have clothes for her there...

I can't imagine a 6yr old in a man's t-shirt and the gps not saying anything to him.

As others have said whether he said he had stuff or not you need to ask your dd matter of factually, does she brush her teeth, does she have clothes there? As the answer seems to be no then send her stuff.

He does sound a knob, many people are though. Your dd needs her things. That is your priority.

Excited0803

I'm not advocating a row; I'm advocating that the OP contact a family lawyer and ask what she can do about reducing contact, or at least cutting out overnights, as ex-P is demonstrating he cannot be relied on to attend to DD's basic needs like clothing and cleanliness. I would also suggest she contact HMRC and ask what she can do about evidencing his cash in hand work so that she can extract maintenance from him.

A man who can't even brush his daughter's hair or dress her is not a good dad. Why should the OP facilitate contact with a crap dad? How is that in her daughter's interests? And why should she take on the stress and expense of providing for her daughter's basic needs when she is elsewhere, when it would be much easier for her to do so in her own home?

I am assuming by the fact the OP is posting here rather than talking to him that he would not be receptive to a discussion or advice from the OP, which would be the preferred option for civilised grown ups. But grown ups don't bring their kids out of the house with the arse half out of their trousers, do they?

So he presumably uses the NHS, expects his child to be educated at the cost of the state and ironically, given that according to HMRC he doesn't 'earn' he probably claims some money from the welfare state? He earns money but doesn't declare or pay tax on it - so that's just down to the rest of us to fund his healthcare, his kids education and give him handouts then?

What makes him so special that it is everyone else's problem exactly? I guess we should all spend time working (whilst not spending quality time with our kids as a result) to pay our tax bills so he can swan about doing cosplay and having a little relax on the sofa playing games or buying cakes in cafes? Entitled much?

The answer to what could I do about him working cash in hand? There's nothing to be done is . That's tax evasion. He doesn't pay tax and therefore he doesn't pay maintenance, he is breaking the law, making you pay more towards the upkeep of your child and to top it off is not looking after her properly when she is there. What on earth would stop you?

Here you go:

Phone
Call HMRC to report suspected tax evasion.

Telephone:
0800 788 887

Opening times:
8am to 8pm, every day

'Why should the OP facilitate contact with a crap dad? How is that in her daughter's interests?'
Fgs. As everyone has said he sounds hapless but contact is important.
She needs a tooth brush and couple of 2 quid t-shirts from Primark whichever parent can be bothered to organise it.

Thank you @chipsandgin for the numbers I honestly don't know where to begin, I've brought up maintenance and I have anonymously(sp?) Reported him for benefit fraud but never heard anything about it. I don't even know where it is he's working, he's a handyman for works all over and I feel stuck in what I can do.
I'm happy to send her things down, I just wish he bad told me i needed to rather than tell me he's got everything she needs.

She needs a tooth brush and couple of 2 quid t-shirts from Primark whichever parent can be bothered to organise it.

She has clothes. The OP buys her clothes. She has a toothbrush (I'm sure!) at home. But what she needs is for her (shit) dad to communicate properly with her mother so if he for whatever reason has failed to provide for her needs in his house she knows to send stuff with her daughter when she goes.

Telling the OP that because he is shit it is for her to sort just kicks the can down the road. The problem here isn't that he is 'hapless', it is that he is not interested in her welfare.

This is not something the OP can patch over forever - when the daughter is a pre-teen and wants to go out into the street at night, hang out with inappropriate people, spend time in the wrong places online, when she needs parents who are interested and able to actually parent her, and she is not under the eye of the parent who does actually give a damn - consequences of him not bothering could be more serious than a silly outfit and matted hair.

The OP can't make him care about his child enough to look after her properly; she can't parent her properly herself when she is in her father's 'care'; so the only thing she can do to protect her daughter is to see to it he cares for her as little as possible.

Contact is important where it is beneficial to the child. The OP can tell us more about that; does she enjoy time with her dad? Does he prioritise her needs and make her feel safe and loved? Contact for contact's sake doesn't sound 'important' to me, but potentially harmful.

I feel for you OP - you are obviously trying hard for your daughters sake to facilitate this relationship, and being really nice about it (for her) yet he is clearly a massive loser. I'd presume benefit fraud and tax evasion are linked within HMRC - so you'd hope he would be investigated but who knows, the whole system is so broken.

If twats like him were caught then extra money could be redirected/put into to the NHS and education. Also if benefit fraud was stopped and conversely tax was collected from everyone who doesn't contribute but should - then hopefully more money would available for people who actually are entitled to help because they are in a difficult situation - which is why the welfare state was set up in the first place! (which funnily enough was not to fund entitled shits like him). I can see why he is your ex - at least you are well out of that one, that's something positive!

I cannot imagine sitting there as a grandparent and not reading him the riot act about her clothes and hair (if he doesn't brush her hair, does he brush her teeth?)

And I would have whipped her over to Primark myself.

@ennirem I wholeheartedly agree with you. I have an 11 year old daughter and although it may not be the end of the world if her teeth don’t get brushed when she’s with her dad, what happens when her periods start? When she leaks onto her bedclothes? When she needs help with physics homework? When she’s on the internet unsupervised?

Contact must be in the best interest of the child, not the parent. Obviously I don’t know if the dad in this case is fantastic in all other aspects, he could well be (although it doesn’t sound great). But I think sometimes people forget contact shouldn’t be something the child has to endure for the non resident parent’s sake.

All fair points @Ennirem.

is there no chance this is innocent.im thinking not from toehr bits you've posted but...my dad would hardly ever think of our hair because he (men)don't need to bother some morning and it looks fine.and he had such fear over hurting us he kind of glossed over it.men with ponytails lose the use of their senses in my house.
is there no way she didn't want to wear daddies t-shirt.i always did this at that age I loved my dad big t-shirts.
sometimes out with the grandparents you eat cake.it happens?

What @NeedsAsockamnesty said.

@kateandme she told me herself he made her wear it. Grandparents definitely give cake but when you're making your child wear your clothing while sat opposite Primark eating cake which costs about £3 in the cafe and a t-shirt costs less than £2 in Primark something is wrong.

oh dear.im sorry then rosie342
would it be worth now going to him and mentioning this incident.then for your childs health askig if she should buy some more clothes to have at dads house if he hasn't had time to get some in.or would he come out with you to get some.then I don't know how youd discuss payment.im just thinking it could be worth re-addressing and how to go about that in the calming way for you all.
could you casually mention almost jest like about her hair coming home matty and boys will be boys but please remember girls hair need brushing every day hahaha(maybe)
I obviously don't no the full situ or how you approach eacohter but im just thinking it needs to be sorted for your dd now over whats gone on between the two of you.even though it might be him who in the wrong which is tough I know.

I’d have already questioned it by now. Scene or not in the cafe, I would have walked in and asked why she wasn’t wearing her own clothes. If it was a decent explanation then all would be fine but just because he has none for her is crazy. If she enjoys going to her dads then I’d personally send clothes for her. Id rather my child comfortable and decent for her sake than to leave it just to prove a point. Sometimes the point doesn’t matter but the child’s welfare does. I was used by my parents to make points, it’s shit. Either stop contact (if possible) or send her with some clothes. Discuss things with him and tell him if he can’t look after her properly then she isn’t going back, involve social if need be so it isn’t you stopping the contact.

could you casually mention almost jest like about her hair coming home matty and boys will be boys but please remember girls hair need brushing every day hahaha(maybe)

Aaargh but why should she have to pussyfoot around like this? No man on God's green earth would be advised or expected to simper and cajole an ex partner who was totally letting down their child. Only women are expected to do this.

Yes, agree with Ennirem. Expressions like 'boys will be boys' let everyone down, 'boys' included

I honestly despise the phrase "boys will be boys" it implies their actions need no justification or consequences.

This is clearly how your exH was brought up, OP.

Now it is time for you to show this shouty man that actions do actually have consequences. I take it from your comment that he would shout at you in the cafe and cause a scene if you had approached him that you are a bit afraid of him. I take it from your description of his attitude towards his responsibility as a taxpayer and as a parent who is responsible for a child (in monetary terms and in terms of care while she is with him) that he is a scofflaw - someone who thinks the rules don't apply to him. A cake and eat it sort of guy.

I agree 100% with Ennirem's posts here even though I advocated that someone (you, since your ex won't) needs to step up and provide for the DD. I think you need to provide a few essentials. But ultimately you need to put pressure on this man, because the stakes are high, and neglect in one area could be an indicator of neglect in others. I agree with those who have warned you of lackadaisical supervision as she grows older and reiterate the warning that children who are clearly not being physically cared for are often targeted by people who will exploit them.

OP, you should shop him to HMRC.

You should consult a family law solicitor.

Do you have a court ordered visitation schedule?
Or is it a gentlemens' agreement?

If there is no court ordered schedule you are within your rights to stop visitation until he shows you the actual clothing, bedding, bed, furniture such as chest of drawers, toothbrush that is not years old, toys, books, writing and colouring materials/other stuff she is interested in, and all the other trappings you would expect to see in a home where a child spends her time.

He will be angry of course that someone is trying to make him fulfill his responsibilities. But ultimately you have to protect your DD, and this may mean summoning up your inner Mother Bear until you get the result you want.

Visitation has to be in the best interests of the child. The concept was not invented as a nod to either parent's 'rights'. The only one with rights here is the child. The people with responsibility are the parents.

Don't let him get away with neglecting her. She has the right to be cared for properly. Don't let him get away with thumbing his nose at his responsibilities.