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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He put DD in his clothes.

95 replies

Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 22:39

AIBU to be mortified by this? My DD goes to her father's every fortnight, he works cash in hand and has enough money to pay for his cosplay and Xbox and weekends out drinking with mates so assumed he would have money to buy his daughter clothing. Especially since he doesn't pay maintenance. Well I saw my DD in a cafe with her grandparents and father on the Saturday and she was wearing a pair of jeans I sent her in, her hair unbrushed and matted and one of her father's T-shirts. They were sat in a cafe opposite Primark.
WIBU to say something about him sending out 6 year old DD out in his t-shirts. She looked atrocious and he was dressed smartly.
She came home and told me that her father made her wear it because he didn't have clothes for her there...

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 07/08/2018 23:14

point being a man is not an excuse for not making sure your child has clean clothes.

I can assure you that there are plenty of men who buy their DC clothes.

Also he doesn't have to "spend his contact days shopping" he knows how old she is! He could buy her things in the week!

Original poster

Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 23:15

@Ajaslipstick quite clearly I was unaware of the issue hence why I didn't send clothes down. Obviously I'm not happy about seeing my child dressed inappropriately that's why I'm posting on here to ask if I would be unreasonable to bring it up.
I'm going to question why I wasn't informed he had nothing for her, if I had been told i would of course sent clothing down.
I've always been told by Ex that he had toothbrush, hair brush, clothing and all necessities for DD so why would I think otherwise?

OP posts:

janaus · 07/08/2018 23:17

Until this gets sorted. I think you are going to have to send her with a few things, that she can leave there. Send a spray bottle of leave in conditioner to brush out the knots. Or could you ask the grandparents to help out.

GabsAlot · 07/08/2018 23:18

definitely bring it up-like you say he could have told you to pack some vclothes

Original poster

Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 23:18

She knows how to brush her own hair, she just has to be told is all

OP posts:

garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/08/2018 23:19

Its not on to not have clothes for her so address this. The hair brushed would bother me a bit less though i get it. My otherwise lovely DH forgets to brush DDs hair sometimes and it annoys me. For some reason it just doesnt cross his mind, he would never forget to brush her teeth or feed her or do anything that affected her welfare.

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 23:19

Absolutely bring it up as a first step , not jump straight to taking care of it for him. It’s bloody ridiculous . Follow up would depend I think on what my dd thought of her dad and how much I thought he cared for her. If he’s a shit dad through and through I’d consider stopping sending her until he commits in writing to basic clothing, care and hygiene. Or brushed hair, clean teeth, clean basic clothes to wear. I guess if I hear has enough money but doesn’t bother paying maintenance I see shit dad lit up in neon lights.

Smellbellina · 07/08/2018 23:19

Why put your kid in the middle of a row when you could just send her with a little bag of what she needs?

cookiesandchocolate · 07/08/2018 23:20

My DH is fab but totally crap with hair. If I haven't had time to make her immaculate in the morning she will be in the same scruff all day.
The issue here isn't the hair brushing but the lack of clothes. Lesson learnt, if he hasn't got clothes then tell him he needs to get some for when she visits or provide some for her. Talk to him and see what his reasoning is behind it

TillyTadpole · 07/08/2018 23:20

Send your ddto her dad's with a change (or several changes) of clothes OP. What are you going to do about ex working cash in hand?

Booph · 07/08/2018 23:21

My stepdaughter's mum lets her hair get matted to fuck so it takes about 30 minutes of painful brushing and tears to do anything with it when she comes to stay. Does my head in so you have my sympathy!

Original poster

Rosie342 · 07/08/2018 23:21

@tillytadpole what could I do about him working cash in hand? There's nothing to be done.

OP posts:

TillyTadpole · 07/08/2018 23:39

@tillytadpole what could I do about him working cash in hand? There's nothing to be done.

I'm sure Inland Revenue would be interested...

AjasLipstick · 07/08/2018 23:42

Tilly OP won't shop her ex. It would render him unable to look after the dd in the most basic ways.

Mousefunky · 07/08/2018 23:49

You obviously know your DD and know her hair type but my DD’s have thick curly hair and it never looks great, even after a good brush. It will be brushed and tied back in the morning but give them an hour or so of walking or running around and it looks a state. It’s untameable and pretty much just like mine which takes a lot of effort to ever look decent . So I wouldn’t really bat an eyelid if I saw my DD’s out with their Dad and their hair was messy.

As for the tshirt though, absolutely ridiculous. Unless your DD is very tall and he is a short man, surely it was to her knees?? How could he ever think that was acceptable? He should have realised she didn’t have anything to wear and rushed out to the nearest supermarket for a cheap top at least.

He sounds like an utter twat OP. Send her with clothes. I realise why you don’t feel you should have to but I’ve always had to with my three DC and I’d honestly rather that than have them wear the short of tacky shit xH would put them in.

Homemadearmy · 07/08/2018 23:50

I would gently question her when she comes home. Maybe she took a liking to his top and he said she could wear it. In 5 years has she never come home in clothes that he’s bought?

Racecardriver · 07/08/2018 23:50

Why haven't you threatened to report him for tax fraud if he doesn't stay paying you CM? I know it's irrelevant but I'm curious.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/08/2018 23:57

Interesting that the responsibility to prevent his perceived neglect is being placed on the mother I thought dad’s were meant to be equal parents.

If he legitimately has no clothes for her tell him to grow the fuck up and meet his child’s needs whilst she is in his care

OctaviaOctober · 08/08/2018 00:29

Why should she have to provide him with clothes for his child? She already provides everything else!

Text him and tell him it's not on to put her in his clothes, and point out that he can buy clothes very cheaply from Primark or supermarkets if he's broke.

OctaviaOctober · 08/08/2018 00:31

It would render him unable to look after the dd in the most basic ways.

Like unable to buy her a £3 t-shirt from Sainsburys?

AjasLipstick · 08/08/2018 00:56

OCtavia I'm not defending him....by "the most basic ways" I mean food and rent.

I also think he should buy her clothes but OP can't MAKE him can she?

She can talk to him and tell him to.

But if he doesn't then what?

Would it be more damaging for her to refuse her DD permission to spend time at her Dad's? Of course it would.

So she should then send enough clothes for her DD.

After asking her Dad to buy some of course.

planetclom · 08/08/2018 01:03

I would tell him to buy her some clothes and keep her clean and if that fails refer him to social services. (You can bet some helpful person would do it the other way around)
What a waste of space he should be providing for his child.

Charliecatpaws · 08/08/2018 01:04

Not all fathers are like this but I left my controlling ex husband (sorry after all the shit he’s given me could never refer to him as DxH) he was earning 30k I worked PT earning £9k thank God for tax credits and child allowance because I’ve never received a penny in maintenance, I had a good deal from the divorce but he was waiting for me to fall on my face, even going to the point of keeping money that his parents wanted to give me for buying a Clarkes shoes so for ‘our’ kids, I actually thanked his Dad and told him that he wouldn’t hand the money over. He continued to be controlling, until even when I met my DH - yes he is very dear❤️ and we purchased 90% of all the kids clothes, however that wasn’t good enough, no he’d keep whatever clothes they wore to his house and then about 2 years later he’d send them back in a black bag, like a trophy “look what I’ve done - I’ve made you spend £xxxx on extra clothes because I CAN” he’s still a knob and he will never change, its so sad when fathers behave like this, I really could bore you with the money he’s spent on his ‘girlfriends’ kids (multiple girlfriends) by trying to impress them - it’s very sad, he won’t change but his kids are slowly seeing what a twat he is, sorry that a huge post hope it’s okay

PitchBlackNight · 08/08/2018 01:15

I think I’d send her with some of her normal cloths. She is probably old enough to be responsible for them herself. She might prefer to do that.
Just do it quietly without saying anything and see what happens.

mathanxiety · 08/08/2018 03:34

AjasLipstick Tue 07-Aug-18 23:42:11
Tilly OP won't shop her ex. It would render him unable to look after the dd in the most basic ways

There is no indication that he looks after the DD in even the most basic ways now.

He does have money for stuff that interests him though.

OP, I think you should slip the Inland Revenue a note.

You should also send your DD with a little bag containing clothes, underwear, pajamas, and a toothbrush and little tube of her own toothpaste. Somebody needs to step up here. You appear to be the only one who cares. Set aside all other considerations. Put your child first.

Children who look neglected are often targeted by pedophiles. A man who doesn't think to take any care about what his daughter is wearing and prioritises his own entertainment is not going to take care of her in other ways either.

What happens in school if DD is spotted by a classmate out looking like an urchin with her father? She will be teased, and there may even be calls made to social services.

I packed bags for three DDs and DS every other weekend for many years, with clothes, underwear, nightwear, sports wear if they had a game or practice at the weekend, toothbrushes, tampons, you name it. I unpacked bags and did a massive laundry on Sunday nights. The DCs' clothes came home destroyed by bleach if exH ever washed them. He bought chests of drawers for the DDs' bedroom at his place but no clothes to put in them. The DCs never unpacked, lived out of their bags, including for long spells such as half the Christmas break.

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