To have overruled dh?

[Talllila]

I'm seething over the way dh has just spoken to ds.

My 10 year old ds has just got ready for bed, he asked if he could watch tv until 8.30pm which was less than 30 minutes.

I thought this was fine as I was having a shower, youngest is asleep, and dh had said he was going to do some work stuff paperwork while I had my shower, at 8.30pm ds would've gone to bed to read and dh and I could have watched tv together.

Ds was really happy he could watch tv and had rushed downstairs to put his programme on. He always gives up the tv for his younger brother and he's been at holiday camp for the bulk of the day.

All I heard was dh shrieking that he was watching tv, told ds to go to bed with a book and how he hasn't watched any tv at all and to go to bed.

Poor ds was saying how mummy said he could and dh was just shouting go to bed.

I went downstairs and I said no I'd agreed for ds to watch television until 8.30 and so it's only fair he can.

I'm really peed off the way dh shouted at ds, I think he needs to wake up and realise that ds isn't a baby anymore that we can just send to bed out the way at 7 o'clock.

bastardkitty

Which I have no intention of doing, unless you keep trying to imply that I need to shut up. I don't.

Apart from anything else dh shouldn't have shouted at ds just before bedtime. Glad they sorted out it out though. Just sounds like a mis -communication to me. My dh undermines things I say to my dcs and it drives me crackers to say the least.

YNBU for saying that your ds could stay up a bit later than usual to watch TV.

Your dh was NBU for wanting to finish watching the programme that he was in the middle of watching, but he was definitely out of order for shouting at your ds.

We have an unwritten rule that if somebody is in the middle of a programme when you come into a room then they get to finish that programme and then there's a discussion and an agreement about what to watch together next.

Yanbu. Absolutely no need for the yelling and shrieking. You would have been wrong to overrule him if he'd simply said 'actually ds, I'm watching something now so you can't' but unnecessary yelling at kids who've not done anything wrong should always be overruled. As should 3 year old tyrants by the way!

DH should not have shouted but ds should be taught to ask whoever is using the tv if he can change it.
'Mum says I can stay up til 8.30, Can i use the tv?'

Or you should have said 'Yes you can watch tv til 8.30 If nobody else is using it'

Or said to dh 'I've said ds can watch tv, Is that ok with You?'

We have all went to do paperwork etc and got distracted by something interesting on tv so not a shock dh is using it but he should have handled it better.

Sounds like he has apologised and lessons learned. It's the kind of thing you don't expect to have to teach a child until it comes up. I.e. if I allow you to use the tv you still have to check nobody else is using it.

I need to pick up on something here.

Pengwyn you say that I allow my younger child to rule over my older child.

That is not strictly true. I am not solely responsible for my youngest child. It is rather more dh who allows the youngest to rule the roost. I often don't agree with it. Dh gives in to the youngest a lot for a quiet life, and although we all may be a little guilty of this I am not solely to blame.

Dh has many times been happy for ds1 to lose out so that he can get peace and quiet with ds2.

These things work both ways.

I only overruled dh because he was screaming and shouting and not at all approachable.

Had he not been doing that there may have been a discussion over the tv.

I don't engage with people who are shouting and overreacting.

Oh and people jumping to conclusions, ds DID go in and say mummy said I can watch tv until 8.30pm but dh just started going off on one telling him to go to bed, dhs time was very spiteful. Ds didn't just change channels.

Equally dh doesn't have the right to send ds to bed when I've already said he can stay up.

Half 8 isn't past ds bedtime dh just seems to think he can send ds to bed when he's tired and has had enough.

This is my problem, it isn't just about who gets to watch their programme, dh isn't being fair to ds1 whatsoever.

I will overrule dh if I strongly believe he's being unkind and unfair to the dc.

If he doesn't like it he knows where he can go. I'm the main carer for the children, dh is hardly ever here so he doesn't get to waltz in and start shouting the odds.

Don't worry OP it's AIBU whatever you do someone will be along to tell you you're wrong. This one is pretty clear cut a grown man shouting at a child who has done nothing wrong is clearly out of order and you were right to stand up for DS.

How would DH feel if DS2 wanted to watch TV while DS1 was on his XboX and DS1 reacted by shouting and intimidating DS2? That's the behaviour he's modelling and it's not OK.

Even if DS had stormed in and changed the channel (which he didn't) DH could have firmly told him that it's rude and he should have asked first, there is no excuse for his intimidating behaviour.

It sounds like the problem is that you didn’t shout downstairs to let DH know what you had just agreed with DS, another time just do that.

As I said though. Dh said he was off to do paperwork, I was going to have a shower, dh isn't usually watching tv at that time anyway, I had no reason to think the tv wasn't free.

I wouldn't knowingly interrupt anyone's programmes, but I felt Dhs reaction was spiteful and over the top and given that I honk it would have been very unfair to retract my agreement with ds.

It’s not about the TV, if DH was expecting DS should be going to bed he’s going to pull him up if he thinks he snuck downstairs whilst you’re in the shower. He won’t know it’s been agreed if you don’t tell him.
I’m not saying he dealt with it correctly, I wasn’t there! But it seems a fairly easy work around to just tell him if you’ve agreed something else with DS.
Unless there are other things going on here beyond this one example?

I don't think you're listening really.

8.30pm isn't past ds bedtime, ds told dh I'd said he could watch tv.

Dh wasn't confused, just bring an arsey git.

So he’s generally an arse git and speaks to DS in an inappropriate way?

Why does nobody watch a programme in your bedroom?

Your DH was very unreasonable to shout and you should discuss with him that if he's tired then he should go to bed instead of trying to send DS1 too early. Over-ruling him just gave more inappropriate behaviour examples for DS1; it's understandable that you were pissed off, but turning shouting into a discussion to resolve the issue would have been better for DS1 to see. DS1 sounds like a lovely kid.

No, most of the time he's a pleasant enough, mild mannered bloke, but, I'm realising more that ds1 is getting the short end of the stick a lot, and often that's down to dh wanting a quiet life and I've probably just about had enough of it.

Smellbellina but DS told his dad he was allowed to watch TV. If DH thought he was lying he should have checked with OP not started screaming and shouting.

Who gets to watch TV is really not the issue! Surely in a normal household if two people want to watch different channels you have a sensible discussion about it (can one of you watch later on catch up? etc) you don't scream and shout especially if you're an adult.

Ok well that makes more sense and DS does sound like a lovely child and I can see why you would be pissed at DH speaking to him like that, especially unfairly. As they get older they do stay up later! I still think you should have given DH the heads up though (sorry!)

Well yes IceCream I agree, I just don’t know any parent that doesn’t get it wrong sometimes, don’t leave it to DS to tell him, as an adult tell the other adult yourself and spare DS the argument. If there needs to be an argument it should be between the adults

Of course and everyone is entitled to their opinion, I did ask so I got opinions.

The trouble is sometimes these things are part of something bigger and you only realise that once you start talking about it.

The trouble is sometimes these things are part of something bigger and you only realise that once you start talking about it.

I think you hit the nail on the head there.

I agree with Pengggwyn

"shrieking", "screaming", "spiteful" as ways to describe your DH's utterances indicates you're pretty hacked off with him. It appears that there's something there really winding you up. Might be worth trying to get that out in the open (with him, not us).

You were both unreasonable.

Your DH's reaction was awful. BUT he shouldn't have switched his programme off just because YOU SAID DS could watch TV. You're not in control of you're D's life and just because he was telling doesn't mean you have the right to say he's not allowed to watch what he was already watching.

Get your DS a TV for his room so he can watch it in peace. You say he's a good kid so let him have an hour or whatever jn the evenings.

Well what would you call a grown man so loudly that I could hear clearly upstairs, saying to a 10 year old, who by the way he hasn't seen for days.

"Just go away, go to bed and read a book or something will you, for God's sake". No, no, it's my turn now, you've had your turn, I haven't watched tv, get to bed will you, I don't care what mummy said go and read for god sake".