To have everything but still feel exhausted with life?

[Whysosad]

NC for this post.

I'm in my mid/late twenties and live in my own mortgaged house. I've got a very professional and decently paid job. I have no kids. Have a boyfriend of 6 months I'm mad about that is lovely and ticks all the boxes plus gives me butterflies. I have lots and lots of good friends. A great social active social life also. So why the fuck do i feel so fed up? Like i can't be arsed?

I've been blessed with such a good life I've built for myself but feel almost numb inside. I've been feeling like this well over a year now. Like whats the point? I've considered that maybe this is a reason why some people may have kids. Too feel a sense of purpose to it all?

I don't think I'm depressed but i may be. I can feel happy/excited temporarily whilst going for a day trip with my boyfriend or shopping and cocktails with the girls, but its only very temporary. I just don't see the point too it all? Even when things are going great you just know that something shit will be around the corner i suppose. What goes up must come down. So why even bother?

I'm forcing myself through the motions of eating healthy, running and forcing myself to go out and socialise even when id rather sit at home and stare at 4 walls.

I see everyone so excited about holidays/weekend etc. And i just feel numb. I had counselling last year and i may go back again after my upcoming trip. But there is actually nothing 'wrong' with my life. Work is great, boyfriend fab, friends great and lots to do coming up. So why am i so disinterested?

I do feel like if 'this is it' then shoot me now. Another 60 odd years of this just seems draining. Its so somewhat predictable. Get married, have kids, go on holidays, buy a bigger house, get promoted, go part time, maybe someone has an affair, maybe divorce, a bereavement will happen somewhere to someone, mid life crises perhaps, travel, illness, have a pet Etc. That pretty much rounds up life the average life. Full of these everyday ups and downs yet everyone feels their life is different and their pain unique.

Okay sorry im rambling. I don't mean this post in a spiteful or angry tone if it reads that way. More so in a 'why? Whats the point?' way.

So where do i go from here? I feel so lost.
Like a foreigner in the world.

I know advice will be along the lines of see a GP, join a new hobby, travel etc. Trust me i know all that. Id just like to hear someone who knows somewhat how i feel. Or any positive spins on what ive just said. I don't want to feel this way. I just feel so detached from life.

Any positive or negative stories are greatly appreciated. If you've read this far, then i thank you deeply. It feels a lot better to finally get this out. Xx

Agree you need to try volunteering
I think as a capable person in a way it is your ‘ duty’ to help others less fortunate. So many cannot manage life without assistance.
You may have depression too but that is for your GP to diagnose.

I’m not saying this is the case of course. You may have depression and should seek help.
However. All my life I’ve had obstacles in my way and usually financial issues. I’ve had periods of stability and no worries and I found them hard. Either I am so used to stress or I need it to drive me (possibly a mix of both).
Recently we moved away and suddenly I saw things in a different way and wished I had made more time with fri new and family.
Perspective is a powerful thing. As they say: no rain no flowers.
Perhaps (and I mean that honestly) you literally need some adversity to help you appreciate what you have.

Maybe you’re living the wrong life. Do you have hobbies or interests? Would working in an gorilla sanctuary in Rwanda (for example) make you want to get up in the mornings?

I’d like to second this.

I felt exactly how you did, OP. I had a wonderful DH and had spent 7 years studying hard to qualify into my dream career. It was all I focused on and everything in my life was consumed by this goal.

Once I achieved it, I loved the job and it brought us great security and a nice home etc but I just felt empty, almost like there was nothing left to chase.

After a good long while of feeling like this I decided to take some time off and chose to visit Thailand with a friend. She had her own things planned so I booked a week at an elephant sanctuary. One week then turned into 6.

My time there was the most alive I’ve ever felt. I couldn’t wait to get up each morning, get stuck in doing my chores, I savoured every meal I ate and passed time by simply marvelling at the wonderful creatures all day every day. Every conversation I had with other volunteers seemed far more captivating than any I’d have back home.

I also began to hate my life back home even more, the focus on materialistic things, working 14 hour days to pay for a house I was never in and earn holidays I could never take. Seeing my DH everyday but never actually seeing him, it all just seemed so pointless.

Unfortunately, despite this realisation, I was convinced that I’d worked too hard to give up my career and so returned to work the day after I arrived home. Everything went back to normal and I’m back to just going through the motions.

I love my job, love my DH and we do plenty of interesting things but I think I’ve had a taste of the life I’m supposed to have and it’s completely different to the one I’m in.

Agree that you need to see the doctor to rule out depression and anything physical but I think a lot of people feel exactly the same at various points in their life.

Friend who had been through trauma and was undergoing counselling came to the conclusion she needed to change her life completely. Divorced, sold everything and with what her and her children (,guy she divorced was not the children's father) wanted to keep packed it into a van and drove to Dover and got the boat over to France and drove till they got to the sea.

That was a few years ago.

She hadn't a clue what she was doing or even where they would live but she just felt it was right.

Now she lives with a view of the ocean and a job and a business that she has carved out of nothing. She now earns more than she did in the UK and is so much more healthier as she doesn't have to spend 4 hours per day commuting and is enjoying life for the first time in many years.

Kids are happier and are now bilingual.

I have other friends who have changed their lives completely and are happier and earn just as much or more than if they had stayed doing everything they were "supposed" to do.

Sometimes it might just be a Sabbatical of a year to go out and do other things that you want to do.

Or to change your life completely

Or to get a pet

Or to have children.

That boosts you and fills the gap. But whatever you do. Do something. The feeling might go away and you might be OK for a few years but eventually you will regret not doing something and next time it comes it might not be as easy to do something as when you are younger.

I've felt like this when depressed. I think the thing about feeling like a foreigner outs v much part of depression. Depression doesn't need a 'reason'. It's an illness.

I agree with finding more meaning, but even finding faith, the novelty can wear off after a few years, even having kids the same. Well, I'm speaking for myself in my mid 40s now. What has helped me most is learning to know myself (I do have a tendency to depression, be it genetic or my childhood). I know it's nothing I'm doing wrong, it's just the chemicals in my brain. I learn to seize enjoyable moments each day and really experience them. They can be very simple things like the feel of the sheets on my leg, or the taste of something. If you do that enough times a day you realise there's so much to enjoy in life. A great conversation with one of my kids. It's a bit like simplified mindfulness. Just taking time out to appreciate what I have. Someone once said, it's impossible to be miserable when you're grateful.bit gratitude takes a conscious effort.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can chase all sorts of 'solutions', but maybe this sense of dissatisfaction is just the way you're built and will resurface. Find small moments of gratitude. They do build up and encourage you.

Op you’ve been given some good advice here, and I second most of it. I think we are bombarded by imagery through both press and social media that tells us how we should live our lives, what makes us happy: designer clothes, nice make up, beautiful faces, white veneers, perfect bodies, happy smiling couples, blonde surfy families in Boden, shiny SUVs, sparkly massive kitchens, socialising with fulfilled friendships drinking cocktails... really, it’s poison. We have forgotten as a race what actually makes us happy, because a lot of it isn’t going to sell stuff, and it isn’t glamorous, so we aren’t being told that working in a cat rescue centre, getting up at dawn to watch the sun rise, praying alone, walking the dog, writing lists of what makes us grateful, etc are not what we see nor recognise as possible keys to contentment.

I think also that there is too much emphasis on happiness, which is actually a pretty high-intensity feeling that we can’t sustain all the time, and not enough on simple contentment, which is a low level feeling and totally underrated.

FabulousTomatoes has summed it up very well, OP.

Just to add to the talk about depression that there is chronic depression but also reactive depression which is a response to circumstances.

There is also some scientific research published recently on the effects of exercise in combating depression which may be of interest to you.

Totally agree about contentment Vs happiness.

Contentment is a powerful and stabilising feeling. It's not giddy, it's that underlying satisfaction that things are ok.

That's what we all seek. I'm lucky in that I've found it, finally. A few years back I didn't. I needed a change of job. I threw myself into a hobby and business as a distraction but more recently I've found I'm more content.

Don't want to chase the four bed detached as house prices round here mean we'd be forever skint. I'd rather have a few nice things in my 3 bed semi. Don't want to chase the career climb, I love being in a classroom and that's fine with me. I had to wrestle with my own past of being an overachiever, and the fact I just didn't want all that any more.

I can find contentment in the garden. In country walks and nature, in pets. In baking and drawing. Simple pleasures, appreciated.

Contentment. That's the key for me. I've lost superficial friendships along the way, but feel happier now I've consciously stepped off the keeping up with the Joneses treadmill.

PS ditching the people and things that you don't want in your life really helps btw. Including family.....

I think we're sold an 'ideal' life that comprises of a laundry list of certain achievements and milestones. I think conforming to this makes some people feel satisfied. But for many other people it isnt suitable and they realise all the normal markers of 'success' or an 'ideal' life are just an arbitrary set of circumstances that hold little meaning for them on a deeper level.

Other people spend so long on the struggle to 'succeed' using these common markers they never quite get to realising it isn't going to lead to feeling fulfilled.

Rather than being depressed you might just have desires deep down that don't align with your cultural training with regards to expectations about what will fulfill you.

I think the academic, professional, social ladder that you find yourself on in your 20s and early 30s can feel like a treadmill after a while. You find yourself trudging on and on because you feel like you can't get off.

As PP have said, you can get off both physically and mentally. You need to take some time to decide what actually matters to you. Start living purposefully and making active choices to focus on what matters to you. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to throw your whole life in the air.

For example, we could afford to move to a bigger house but in doing so I would have to work longer hours for a longer time e.g. until I am 65 or older. I have actively chosen not to move as working towards paying off the mortgage and having choices about how I work when its done is more important to me. Consequently, I don't resent working as I am earning to reach specific goals that matter to me (e.g. paying the mortgage off early).

You sound like my husband. He has depression. It is an ongoing issue. He doesn't like the side effects of the meds (but takes them when things are just too awful). He always sees the things that might go wrong or the doom and gloom in anything. He will admit that he isn't happy with his life but struggles to really put his finger on what about it he doesn't like. He freely says he OUGHT to be happy.

He has no childhood trauma that caused this - he is just wired that way. I think you need to see your GP.

Find something to get passionate about. A hobby or if you can afford it education e.g. a MA in something you've always been curious about.

I don't think you're depressed necessarily, just bored!

This is an answer lots of people don't like nowadays but you are not alone. I think it happens to most people. We live and work but what is the purpose? Whether you're 12 or 28.
I'm seeing these threads more and more these days. The truth is, I'm a believer in God. I am a Muslim (one who acquires peace by submitting to the will of God) and as a Muslim I'm told by God in the Qur'an that we are created to worship Him and for doing that and being a good person, inviting to good and forbidding evil, I am promised an eternal life of happiness in paradise. This life is full of hardship but the hard work will pay off and in the hereafter will be eternal bliss.

That said, I have been through a phase of losing my way and it was not fun. My depression was at its peak but I started practising again and feel much more content and I'm not so worried about money or work work work and I'm content with less stuff and enjoying nature, being there for others and trying to work on my own self.

Basically what I'm saying is there is a purpose to life, maybe not the one we've been fed (work work work and then enjoy your weekend) but that this life is just one small fraction of the bigger picture.

FletchersRye, are you glad that you had your experience in Thailand, or does it make normal life harder now, having found a real purpose but not fulfilling it?

Oliversmumsarmy , was your friend’s story/experience published in a magazine? I read an article almost identical to your description and she really inspired me (not that I’m brave enough to do that).

I have a family history of people escaping ‘normal’ life (volunteering in Africa to joining a convent) so perhaps that’s where I get my deep yearning for a different life from. My Dr asked me if I’m depressed, but I don’t think I am - I just want to feel like I’m living my right life and not the perfect, material one that society pushes on us.

I’m not sure if this is depression or lack of life fufilment?
Have you ever looked into any personal development, for instance a life coach might be a great place to start?

Yes, that's exactly how I'd describe my depression, each time I've ended up on meds I've felt numb inside, going through the motions and thinking what's the point.

Two questions from me OP.

What are your/were your favourite things? Are you denying yourself something?

If you are really just tired...very tired. Do you wake feeling tired? If you wake feeling tired you may have a thyroid problem ask GP for a thyroid function test.

As has been said, everyone feels empty and lost sometimes, but it is not normal to feel detached and like there is no point all of the time. Agree that this sounds like depression - please do see your GP.

Try not to beat yourself up for not being happy despite having a 'good' life on paper. Untangling who we really are and what we really want from what society tells us will make us happy can be the work of a lifetime.

It's easy to say 'find meaning by helping others' or 'try something different' - these things might help but you may also need to change something on the inside. Feeling detached means we are not in touch with our real self/feelings - it sounds like something may have happened along the way that caused you to shut down a bit? Wishing you luck.

I felt like you a few years ago. Still do, sometimes. Like a poster above, I read a lot of Samuel Beckett and Camus and it made me realise that whilst life is actually really fucking pointless, that's OK and we just have to fill the time with stuff until we die.

That sounds rather bleak, but actually accepting the futility made me feel a lot better about it. Yes, going for a run is pointless, watching a film is pointless etc but these things can bring joy and pleasure if you let them, and therein lie their value.

I also imagine sometimes that I've been given 6 months to live. What do I want to do before I die? And I go and do it. That also gives me a purpose and makes me appreciate the thing I am doing.

Jaimx86 No . But I do know what she did was not something that unusual. I know growing up a few of my family friends have done the same thing. And I know others who have changed their lives completely.

I agree, I had mild depression. I still have it lurking there if I don't deal with my negative thoughts.

I felt like you: I had everything but I felt exhausted and like life was a big pointless treadmill.

I actually have pinned it down to my family. Specifically one who was in prison, and has caused issues for years. I thought I could be bigger/stronger/ok but wasn't.

Is there something in the past or background that might have affected this? It's amazing how things that we "dealt with" seemingly well as kids comes back to bite us on the backside years later.

Counselling and CBT were key for me xx

I could have written this 20 years ago. My life was similarly outwardly perfect but inside I felt numb and blank and as though I was going through the motions. If I hadn’t have thought it would destroy my parents I think I would have rather not been alive. I didn’t actually consider suicide seriously but I just felt I’d like to disappear. Now at 50 I look back and I see what changed my life to being relatively happy with a sense of purpose. I met my husband but more importantly I had my daughter and life was no longer about me. I find Yoga and my cats a huge help too. I really hope you find your peace too OP.

Some things that have helped me are:
Getting a rescue dog
Volunteering
Talking honestly about how I feel
A poster upthread mentioned "authenticity" totally agree with this, life isn't about "stuff"
Contentment is the key, not happiness
My Christian faith which mainly reinforces that it most definitely isn't "all about me"

Hope you find your path op.

This is interesting. I often feel like this and I don't think I'm depressed.

Practical things that help me are:
-Yoga
-Learning new things (evening classes etc., it felt good to learn again)
-Being in the countryside
-Seeing old friends and having a proper talk with them
-Sleeping enough
-Counselling to deal with some childhood stuff I hadn't quite worked through (nothing too major but was causing me some issues)

I second a lot of what pp have said above.

Re depression, as well as feeling 'empty', do you have any other symptoms ie poor/ excessive appetite, sleep disturbance, lowered libido, poor concentration, feelings of guilt/ irritability/ worthlessness? If so meds might help, but if not, imo they wont do much. Counselling can also make some people feel worse as negative conversations can go round and round, not much evidence it helps clinical depression, and a different type of therapy like mindfulness or compassionate focussed therapy might be more helpful.

Second all the 'lifestyle' advice as well though.