To not invite children to wedding?

[springmachine]

Recently sent out wedding invites.
We are limited on numbers so have invited children of immediate family only.

There is a large number of children not invited and to invite them would have meant finding 20 additional spaces.

People are already contacting us asking if they can bring children.

I'm starting to worry if we are being unreasonable just inviting immediate families children only (we are making exceptions for children under 1)

That's up to you Sweetheartneckline. Totally fine, if that is what you choose to do, but there are lots of 16 - 20 yr olds who are perfectly capable of looking after children, feeding them and putting them to bed. Plus, of course, I doubt all of the guests have 3 dc under 3.

Not sure why you think it "wouldn't be fair on anyone" though. In my world, it helps everyone out. Income for teens around their school / college work. A break for parents at an affordable price.

SpringMachine isn't complaining about people not being able to come. She is (quite rightly) bemused by the rudeness of people trying to insist she allows them to bring their dc, when they aren't invited.

Expect some people to decline invite because of this decision though not everyone has anyone to leave their children with no matter how close you are. This might possibly alter some friendships where the friend had to miss out on an important part of your life because of no kids rule.

Of course, if the OP did invite the dc of these friends, then other friends they had invited would have to be uninvited, as the venue has a finite capacity. I'm kind of thinking that being uninvited from a freind's wedding might change the friendship too.......

@Mummyschnauzer

totally understand your opinion.

It won't be child free though.

There will be still a number of children from our immediate families.

Bruce's and nephews along with our own yes.

Second cousins once removed and children of friends are not on the list.

For the venue (90) capacity, we'd end up with half adults half children if we ended up with all children invited as we are of an age where everyone has children now (not quite like my first wedding where the only child was 1 new born baby)

Bruce's = nephews

Tbh it's pretty standard to only invite children of close family to weddings here as far as I'm aware/in my experience (Ireland)

Not unreasonable at all. We did the same because of spaces & also we do like a drink or two so it was nice for the adults to have a night off too!

OP I think you are being perfectly reasonable. If the invite doesn’t state children’s names or & family then it would mean they are not invited.

People are rude when they ask if they can bring children (with the exception of very young children who cannot be left). If they were wanted / able to be invited then they would have been.

You sound like you are happy with those who can’t make it because of childcare declining, those asking to bring them are CFs.

I’ve never been invited to a wedding without children so I don’t have a particular experience of them. I don’t have any family nearby who could babysit for me or handy 18/19 year olds and the childminder I use for babysitting charges £8 per hour. To be honest unless I knew a few people going I would be pretty tempted to give it a miss given all the additional costs for presents, outfits, drinks bills etc. If there was an overnight stay required it would be a definite no from me. ( I get I’m not invited OP but that would be my dilemma)

Daughter and married friend were invited to a wedding a couple of years ago, quite a distance away. No children invited but friend really wanted to go though she had a breast fed baby. Solution, they paid for me to stay at the hotel venue with them. I was happy to mind the baby while the mum enjoyed herself at the wedding. We went for walks and relaxed and met up with mum for feeds. No problem.

Similarly, a couple of friends of ours are minding their gc while parents are at a wedding. All travelling together to wedding and staying near venue to accommodate a few breast feeds. If people really want to go there are solutions to child care, but there shouldn’t really be bad feeling from either side if they can’t go. It’s not the end of the world.

I was simply illustrating that not everyone does have a readily available solution. No one I know has left their kids with a teenager apart from immediate family. Even then the kids are asleep or close to it before the parents leave.

I suppose the bottom line is that going to OP's wedding is not important enough to sort childcare which parents may not be 100% happy with, may be expensive etc.
It's great that ginger was able to help DD's friend out, and that you have teenagers known to you that you'd leave DC with, but it wouldn't be the case for everyone. Maybe I'm overprotective but I'm not sure I'd expect a 16 year old to be able to deal with a "sicked the bed" incident while keeping the household calm, let alone a more serious incident (fall etc) which could arise in an afternoon through to midnightish episode of care, especially with preschoolers.

The guests asking OP if they can bring DC are out of order, but a straight decline of tje invitation is fine and to be expected. "It's not a summons", after all.

It's rude to try and get you to change your mind.

It's not rude to politely decline your kind invitation.

An as for the PP saying a wedding isn't a wedding without kids, what if you don't know any? Should we hire child actors to have a proper wedding

OP how did u note on the invite that children weren’t invite?

Usually only the people named on the invite are invited

OP please ignore that bullshit about child free weddings not being proper weddings.

I actually love a wedding where the vast majority of people are able to easily conduct an interesting and adult conversation in an engaged way rather than the boring half conversations you have about nothing when every 30 secs they have to tend to a screaming little person who will have no memory of the day and who doesn't even want to be there. Oh, and you as a childfree person are also expected to fawn over the kids causing mayhem as "they are what weddings are really about". No! I call bullshit!!! Weddings are for ADULTS entering into a life long commitment followed by food, drinks, speeches, and a good old knees up of which ADULTS appreciate the effort and cost and that ADULTS will (mostly ! HIC!) remember.

Just tell your friends - that's a shame you won't make it. Do not enter into further justification or discussion.

As a side note I was a crap babysitter but I regularly handled getting kids' teas and putting them to bed.

Too many parents now make their kids gods of the universe and let them rule their lives. If you go away for a night, the kids will live. Chill out or butt out.

YANBU

They’re being rude to ask if they can bring their kids (as you’ve already made an exception for babes in arms).

Not inviting children means some proms will decide not to come or be unable to come. As long as you accept that then there’s no problem!

YANBU at all. I have just done exactly the same as you and am having the same issue (plus family members complaining the children have to leave the venue at 9pm). It's cheeky of them to ask when it has been specified. Stick to your guns

I've never asked to take kids to a kid free wedding (I'm not a wedding fan and am usually glad to have a get out of jail free card, but most wedding invitations I've received include the whole family), but in defence of those who do ask if they can pay for their kids meals, many people will not be being cheeky but will be assuming that children are excluded due to budget especially if they know family children are going so it isn't that you want an adults only event.

People may be asking to pay in all innocence, thinking it's the opposite of cheeky to offer to pay.

Many people won't realise the constraint is maximum venue capacity not budget.

I used to babysit as a teen and the kids were usually in bed. Got to one house at 8pm to find all the kids still up and eating at the table - not the expected 3 kids but 5 as they'd decided that the family they were going to dinner with could piggy back on babysitting. The kids were all between 2 and 6 and getting them ready for bed in an unfamiliar house was like herding cats, some cried, some ran around, none settled, parents got back in the early hours much later than promised and paid the same as I got from other families for sitting on my own in the kitchen writing A level essays and listening to the baby monitor while drinking coffee. Obviously declined future requests from that family.

I'd never have booked a babysitter to start in the afternoon and deal with the witching hour, tea and bedtime, especially once I had more than 1 child close in age. It's shit for the kids and the babysitter, and most babysitters are innundated with bookings for much easier gigs with kids in bed when they arrive. Family is different but not everyone has family babysitters on tap. Paying for an extra adult to come with and stay in the hotel to babysit as someone suggests is nice but very expensive! You'd have to really want to/ really feel obligated to attend to shell out for an extra room in a wedding venue type hotel!

Paid babysitters are usually teens who would struggle to do tea and put children to bed

Not actually true, I used an online agency you could sign up for a free trial month and then cancel and the babysitters were all DBS checked one was a TA, the other was a part time nanny with kids of her own. I'm sure a responsible 18 year old could do tea and put the kids to bed anyway.

That said I probably wouldn't get a babysitter for an overnight stay. Either I'd ask family to babysit or I'd go alone and DH would stay with DC (or vice versa). I'd only want to do this for a close friend where I'd know lots of other people at the wedding though. If the wedding was in a nice town maybe we'd all go and one parent would take child out for the day during the wedding.

I actually love a wedding where the vast majority of people are able to easily conduct an interesting and adult conversation in an engaged way rather than the boring half conversations you have about nothing when every 30 secs they have to tend to a screaming little person who will have no memory of the day and who doesn't even want to be there. Oh, and you as a childfree person are also expected to fawn over the kids causing mayhem as "they are what weddings are really about". No! I call bullshit!!! Weddings are for ADULTS entering into a life long commitment followed by food, drinks, speeches, and a good old knees up of which ADULTS appreciate the effort and cost and that ADULTS will (mostly ! HIC!) remember.

This, with bells on.

I'm actually in the opposite situation to the OP, in that kids are invited but nearly everyone has said they plan to get a babysitter and enjoy a child free evening.

Instead I get asked if I can make special arrangements rather than declining the invite.

Some people don't understand that some parents don't have childcare. None. I was in that boat for a while. I didn't go to the dentist for 5 years. So I might have let a friend know that this meant I wouldn't be coming unless my child could. Not blackmail, just making sure that she knew that was the choice.

I also come from the 'wedding is a community' idea rather than 'wedding is a fancy party'. But that is just a matter of culture and taste rather than being 'right'.

I get that @MrsTerryPratchett . I made two exceptions to the no children rule at my wedding for this reason, the first was for a close friends 4 week old baby, the second was for a relatives 11 year old daughter who is physically disabled.

It's totally fine to not allow children to a wedding, but as other posters have said you do need to be clear on the invite: and to my mind that's not just not including the kids' names but including a little note somewhere later on in the invite bumph saying something like 'Unfortunately, we can't invite your small people - but this is a great opportunity to let your hair down without them' or words to that effect.
Anyone then asking for a kid's invite after that is being rude IMHO.

Agree with other comments that child-free events are actually pretty pleasant. I can't make my cousin's wedding next month because I'll have a newborn baby with me (mine, I should add). They've said I can bring him but I'd rather not put everyone through that particular joy, including myself.

Have the wedding you want and don't start making allowances because you or your DH feel guilty - keep your rule a rule, otherwise things will get complicated.

Lady "but this is a great opportunity to let your hair down" is the most incredibly patronising and annoying thing possible to write on an invitation explaining why kids aren't invited.

It's dishonest to turn your own budget or taste choice around and pretend you've done it as an act of charity to parents too stupid and put upon to "let their hair down" without you engineering it. Telling parents to be grateful for having no choice but to cough up for babysitting or decline is incredibly manipulative and condescending. If children were included in the invitation parents could still choose not to bring them, and if parents want to go out kid free and can arrange babysitting they can "let their hair down" kid free at a time of their own and potentially family babysitters greatest convenience or time it's easier and cheaper to book paid child care.

Additionally people could still choose to argue the toss that they don't drink and can let their hair down and have fun while looking after little Oliver, so no need to leave him home...

"The capacity of the venue means we cannot extend this invitation to non family children, but we'd really love to see you if you can make it" is honest and clear. It's the host's choice, for whatever reason. They have every right to make the choice but not to pretend their budget constraints or venue restraints or wish for an all adult perfect sophisticated event/ child unfriendly roaring piss up is not about the hosts' wishes but a selfless gesture to free parents too dumb to think of paying a babysitter for a night out if they want it unless invited to a wedding without kids, and something that guests should thank them for.

YANBU. My daughter choose not to invite cousins as although she only had 4 (plus 1 partner) the groom had 9 (plus 9 partners). So 23 extra guests - none of which they had seen for years before the wedding.