Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite children to wedding?

104 replies

springmachine · 07/08/2018 17:51

Recently sent out wedding invites.
We are limited on numbers so have invited children of immediate family only.

There is a large number of children not invited and to invite them would have meant finding 20 additional spaces.

People are already contacting us asking if they can bring children.

I'm starting to worry if we are being unreasonable just inviting immediate families children only (we are making exceptions for children under 1)

OP posts:
Theycouldhavechoseneve · 07/08/2018 19:20

But I love kid free weddings. Never found kids in mini tuxedos or net dresses and tiaras charging around a dance floor particularly endearing

spugzbunny · 07/08/2018 19:20

I'm currently planning our wedding and had the same issue. We invited some children and not others and had a couple ask us if they could pay to bring theirs. I ended up telling them that they were top of the reserves list and we had a decline so we could fit them in. It's difficult though so don't feel bad if you can't fit them in! I would say that you should allow babes in arms as they don't cost anything and it's next to impossible for parents to find child care if baby is still breastfeeding or very young!

blueskiesandforests · 07/08/2018 19:27

Ah now if you're being annoyed about people saying they can't come because of childcare you are being 100% unreasonable.

Kid free weddings are only fine if you're 100% fine about parents saying thanks but no thanks.

whattimeislove · 07/08/2018 19:36

Yeah if you exclude kids you shouldn't be annoyed if their parents can't make it. And you need to appreciate that in some families leaving kids for prolonged periods just doesn't work for them.

Late afternoon into evening meanings that whoever is babysitting will potentially have to deal with tea/dinner/supper, crazy hour (the hour before bed - or is that just us??), bath time, bedtime. That's a big ask.

And that's IF people can find babysitters, or want to leave their children - some (mine included) don't like being left.

MaryShelley1818 · 07/08/2018 19:53

YANBU.
I got married 10yrs ago and had a child free wedding, and am getting married again this year and having childfree again.
First time was due to not many people having kids tbh but this time there’s just far too many.
We have very strict and limited numbers for the day (30) and if we invited peoples kids there would be 18 children during the day and over 40 on the night which would honestly just be ridiculous. We don’t have the money or the space.

blueskiesandforests · 07/08/2018 19:59

Paid babysitters are usually teens who would struggle to do tea and put children to bed. Late afternoon on a Saturday is actually a really difficult time to find a babysitter you feel comfortable leaving toddlers and young children with because the children are awake but at a clingy/ grumpy time of day often.

It's much easier to pay a teen to sit in the living room once you've put the kids to bed yourself. Family or professional (as in a registered childminder, ideally one the children know well, or a nursery nurse from their nursery) would be the only practical option for late afternoon into early evening.

Most childminders won't want to work Saturday late afternoon into early evening. People who don't have family happy to do childcare will either be unable to find anyone they're confident leaving the children with, or will have to pay through the nose for a childminder (many of whom have their own families) to do such a timeslot. Especially if the children need sessions to get to know the babysitter - putting a child you've never met before to bed would cause a lot of upset for many children.

It's your call who to invite but an invitation is not a summons. If going is going to be a total headache because of childcare over Saturday tea time you have to be gracious about declines.

divadee · 07/08/2018 20:25

Invite who you want but do not get shitty when people can't come. That's what you have to appreciate with kids. I turn down wedding invites that are child free as I have no babysitters.

BackforGood · 07/08/2018 20:31

Paid babysitters are usually teens who would struggle to do tea and put children to bed

Eh? Why would a capable teen (presuming you would only leave your dc with a capable one) "struggle to do tea and put children to bed" ? Confused.
Neither of my dc would have any problem with that.
None of the teens we used when my dc were small had trouble with that.
I didn't have trouble with that when I used to babysit back in the day.
What a strange thing to say.

OP you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. If people choose to never be parted from their dc, that is 100% their right, but it is them making that choice that is excluding them from your wedding, not you.
I'd never expect friends to invite the dc of friends to their weddings. I can get on board with nieces and nephews and maybe Godchildren, but why would you expect your dc to be invited to a really special and expensive day of someone they have no relationship with ? Confused

YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine · 07/08/2018 20:31

YANBU to have a childfree wedding.

YABU to moan about people not getting a sitter. That's their business, you stick to yours.

notdaddycool · 07/08/2018 20:56

We went to a wedding a long way from home and the bride very kindly found us a friend of a friend who would babysit. She even dropped him off at the venue after dinner.

careerontrack · 07/08/2018 21:00

Completely normal. I would never expect my children to be invited and o any wedding bar immediate family. Then again I also don’t know people who don’t leave their children with babysitters

greendale17 · 07/08/2018 21:02

t's frustrating that these people have asked if they an bring their children and said they won't be able to come otherwise as it's not a long time to get a babysitter for and could always come to the wedding and forgo the evening reception if they can't do more than a few hours

^Now YABU. You have chosen not to have children at your wedding and are now moaning that people with kids have chosen not to come.

Their childcare arrangements are none of your business. Stop moaning, this is what you wanted so deal with it.

Original poster
springmachine · 07/08/2018 21:09

I'm not saying that I'm upset that they might have to decline. That's their choice.

It's the blackmail of telling me that they can't come until we allow their children because they won't be able to get a sitter

I think because we have children they think we are in the same boat (under 2 year old), and have been to weddings without children.

I don't want to be blackmailed when they either can get a babysitter if they want to come or don't come and don't make me feel bad about not being able to come.

As I was trying to explain with my last post was that it's a very short wedding, not a full day from noon onwards.
It's not that far away, and they have the choice or not.
They could choose to come to just the evening of day time babysitting wasn't easy.

OP posts:
Emma765 · 07/08/2018 21:10

It's not blackmail it's an explanation. FFS.

SweetheartNeckline · 07/08/2018 21:11

Backforgood I would not leave my 3 childen under 7 with what I assume you mean by a teen (general family friend rather than nursery worker / experienced au pair known to the children), capable or otherwise. It would not be fair on anyone.

I think Mumsnet strikes again too - not everyone lives in a bustling city where childcare.co.uk do a good trade. Most people are reliant on favours and word-of-mouth and family.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/08/2018 21:13

Yanbu

Original poster
springmachine · 07/08/2018 21:13

@Emma765 that's fine though - but it wasn't an explanation. It was them asking.

Try didn't need to explain, they could have poly declined, which would have been what I do if the situation arose where I was invited to something and my babysitting options weren't available

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 07/08/2018 21:15

If I received a invite stating no kids I would think good on the bride and groom. Children and weddings aren't ideal!

Original poster
springmachine · 07/08/2018 21:25

@greendale17 not moaning in the slightest.
It happens to be people I've only met the once doing this.

My fiancé on the other hand is feeling the pressure to keep everyone happy

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 07/08/2018 21:30

You have every right not to invite kids, but parents have every right to say that in that case it won't work for them.

This. If they can't/don't want to use childcare, then you have to respect their decision not to come.

Original poster
springmachine · 07/08/2018 21:33

@NataliaOsipova
I do, and wish that was the case.

Instead I get asked if I can make special arrangements rather than declining the invite. Which I would understand and not question as there may be a whole plethora of reasons why someone might not be able to attend.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 07/08/2018 21:51

Fair enough - I can see all the "special requests" get a bit annoying. Plus it does put you on the spot in a way a "so sorry we can't come because we don't have childcare" doesn't. If someone says the latter, then it's open to you to make an offer to bring the kids. The "oh, but can we.......?" puts you in the position of having to say no. So I can sympathise with that!

BonnieF · 07/08/2018 21:51

If you decide to have a child-free wedding, you should be absolutely clear about who is, and who is not, invited.

Don’t be vague or ambiguous. People will take the piss if you give them half a chance : “Oh, so sorry, we thought the invite was for all of us as it didn’t specifically say ‘no children’ “.

Mummyschnauzer · 07/08/2018 22:14

Personally hate child free weddings they never seem like proper weddings but it’s your choice on who you invite. Expect some people to decline invite because of this decision though not everyone has anyone to leave their children with no matter how close you are. This might possibly alter some friendships where the friend had to miss out on an important part of your life because of no kids rule.

LoveInTokyo · 07/08/2018 22:19

Woah, chill out Mummyschnauzer.

Not proper weddings?

Biscuit
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.