To be annoyed at DS being excluded from Summer club?

[ThatsSoFetch]

I booked DS age 9 into a summer football club - the type that the flyers are put in their bags every school holidays. Paid for the entire summer 2 days a week. Ive just had to collect DS from his 4th session there - he has been excluded for the remainder of his sessions.

They say he pushed another child.

Ive spoken to DS and he says the other child has been continuously bullying him all day and little was done about it all - indeed the pushing incident happened when they apparently all collectively went to the toilet together and DS was lined up by staff next to the child who continued to call him, in front of staff who did absolutely nothing but say to stop name calling - not separated them whatsoever, kept them stood next to each other.

DS has become so frustrated at it - over 3 hours of bullying - that he pushed the child who then pushed him back.

DS has been excluded for apparently being violent in pushing the child. Apparently the other child has been excluded too - for bullying and also being violent.

Ive spoken to DS who is absolutely beside himself. He knows what he did was wrong but said to me he had reached the end of his limit and that nobody was helping him, despite him repeatedly telling the adults.

Im absolutely furious at the staffs mismanagement of the entire situation.

Ive called and spoken to the manager who said that their policy is not to separate children who have/are falling out but that they exclude instantly for any BULLYING or violent behaviour. They couldnt answer why they didnt exclude the child when he was bullying before it reached a point where DS just couldnt take any more.

I wont in any way try to justify what DS did - he did wrong - but what I dont get is why I receive a phonecall asking me to collect him moments after he pushed the child, yet the child was permitted to bully my child for over 3 hours.

AIBU in my view of how they handled the situation?

If pushing isn't right, I wonder what action people think the OP's son should have taken to stop the behaviour? As clearly telling an adult achieved nothing.

What would you gave wanted him to do?

Tell an adult? He did..repeatedly.
Not come back? How is that fair?
Stay away? Apparently against policy.
Make a complaint? He's 9 for god's sake.

The thing is..if the name calling would've been dealt with appropriately,the situation wouldn't have escalated. This is what OP is annoyed about and I get it.

OP I agree, I think it doesn't sound like they dealt with the issue of name calling at all. These things do tend to escalate if they aren't nipped in the bud.

The question is though, what do you want them to do about it now? How can they make it right?

Going against the grain I think (IF it’s factually correct your DS was being goaded for 3 hours) it’s an entirely reasonable response from a 9 year old and I’d struggle to really tell him off for that.

I’d be pleased on one level he’d stood up for himself. Better to take the consequences than be victimised.

Handling by the staff sounds poor.

When I read threads !Ike this I'm so glad I don't live in the UK anymore.

My DS goes to summer camp and has pushed/been pushed but no way was exclusion ever an option. Reasoning was and is. Bootcamp or summer camp there?

I think name calling IS a problem. Over the course of 3 hours, it is not bullying

This ^. The other child was badly behaved. Your son's violence was not acceptable. If I've understood correctly, it's a sports camp rather than a holiday club. I feel sorry the the other kids who went there to do sports.

FFS - so many saying repeated name calling etc for 3 hours is not bullying but a push is violence - get a grip!

I think a lot more harm is done to kids by stealth like bullies who have a dig and name call and steal a persons self confidence/self worth than those who react physically.

And on the “words are only words” but pushing is assault argument.

Nope - threatening, abusive or insulting words or behaviour are a criminal offence just as much as an assault would be.

Also, there’s no criminal responsibility until age 10, better to get the pushing in now (kidding!).

I agree that name calling over a period of hours is bullying. And while I can understand why a child would react physically after a while, that’s not ok either.
So if the club has a zero tolerance on this, then I can understand why both children were excluded.

it’s a shame that the verbal bullying wasn’t nipped in the bud earlier, but it can be difficult to spot. And if you as a leader haven’t heard it yourself, could you really exclude a child on the say so if another child?

There are trained teachers as in PGCE trained at the dance holiday scheme DD5 goes to.

If the bullying went on all morning within earshot of staff of course it should have been put an end to much sooner.

'3 hours' has been referred to in many replies here. Even adults have a natural tendency to exaggerate duration & frequency: Yesterday I told a neighbour that 'Molly the lab from up the road is at the front door every time I open it'. The dog is often there but nothing remotely like every time I go out the door. If along with the tendency to overstate this sort of thing you take into account a child's perception of time passed you might want to question the statement that the bullying went on all morning. Maybe it did and staff were remiss not to notice it, but there's a chance that he was called names much less frequently than that and it just seemed like 3 hours to your son. In either case, it's done and dusted now, and good on you for getting the refund.

I find the staff who work in most of these holiday clubs to be clueless in behaviour management. I remember ds going to one years ago and coming home complaining kids were picking on him and the staff doing nothing about it. I took the coward's approach and never sent him again!

OP’s son was given no viable options to stop the name calling. The adults failed in their duty of care. The boys should have been separated. Not rocket science. So OP is NBU to feel aggrieved.

If you’ve been refunded then what’s the problem? My ds wouldn’t have wanted to go back anyway even without being excluded if the adults were allowing him to be bullied.
Or is it that you’re now unable to find childcare for the remainder of the summer?

If you’ve been refunded then what’s the problem?
Her DS might have wanted to play sports.
She might need childcare to work.
His friends might have been going too.
All kinds of reasons.

If they had nipped the name calling in the bud it would never have progressed to bullying and the other child would have been clear they couldn't get away with it, and the atmosphere would have been fine.

Porkflute - DS had really enjoyed going actually and it was good for me to drop him somewhere he was excited to go.

I do actually work full time and Im a single parent so organising childcare is really difficult as my childrens father appears to think the cost and arranging is purely MY responsibility - despite the fact he works full time too. (But that is altogether a different issue!)

So now I have had to rope in my ex MIL and my mum to help me as I literally have no alternative option - they had already been helping me having both my children for a day each, so now that has increased to having DS for an extra day each.

DS also did have friends there - our close friends children were booked in and we had organised for them to go at the same time.

The refund I got simply as I refused to accept that they would have my money after what they did (or didnt do as the matter actually is) - and I am wondering if DDs childminder might have him for 2 days next week if I pay her so my mum and ex MIL who are both elderly dont become too tired.

My huge issue overall had been their handling of the matter - in that if the children had been separated and dealt with adequately then the matter probably wouldnt have escalated leading to both of them being excluded - and yes I agree that DS wouldnt have wanted to return if it had been that he was bullied for a day and I had collected as normal. But Im also quite sure the parents of the other child have been inconvenienced by whats happened too!

My huge issue overall had been their handling of the matter - in that if the children had been separated and dealt with adequately then the matter probably wouldnt have escalated leading to both of them being excluded

It’s a tricky one - it’s easy to say that the children should have been separated, but maybe this wasn’t possible? Perhaps there’s only one group playing sport? So it may be difficult to separate two who don’t get on.

That said, if the name calling had been going on all morning, and the staff had heard it, then some action should have been taken (making the child sit out for a while perhaps). I still wonder how many times your child had told the staff though? If they are not witnessing it for themselves, it can be hard to deal with.

Well yes he might have liked the content of the club and the fact his friends were there but the people running it obviously don’t know what they’re doing.
What I was saying is that surely you’d have taken him out and asked for your money back anyway? They’ve lost your custom due to the club being poorly managed. I’m not sure what else you want to happen?
Obviously it is now difficult juggling childcare but much better than the alternative of them having him back to be bullied some more!

I totally agree with you.

Zero tolerance means just that. Zero tolerance.

Not tolerance of situation when it's only one child and zero tolerance when the other can take it no more.

I would write to manager personally.

Dear manager,

I would like written confirmation of why you didn't activate your zero tolerance policy for 3 hours whilst X child bullied mine - which was reported by ds and witnessed by staff.

But yet you activated it once you had 2 children involved because the original victim could no longer sit back and take it whilst the staff responsible for his safeguarding and well being failed to act in his best interests.

Regards
Xxxx

I wouldn’t be bothered to be honest. You guy your refund and your son stood up for himself , but rightly faced the consequences.

• you got, not you guy 🙄

I feel for you OP but I’m siding with the holiday club here.

It’s not school, the staff are not there to control badly behaved children, if the kids can’t follow the rules then they can go elsewhere.

Why should the other children have their fun interrupted because the staff are spending time handling troublemakers?

Yes, it’s pretty tough on OP’s DS if the other boy started it but life isn’t fair. If this was at school I would expect them to have managed it differently and intervene earlier but it isn’t.

Behave or find somewhere else to play football

YABU they both got excluded for doing the same thing so it's not like your kid is being penalised. Yes, the other boy shouldn't have been saying horrible things BUT what are the staff meant to do? Children say horrible things, that's what they do and your son needs to learn not to take that into a physical retaliation.

the problem is that with the OP's version there are currently 4 different versions of what went on on the day.

She has complained and got her money back. No amount of letters, emails or reporting to whatever authority is going to get her DS back in as he admits to what they excluded him for.