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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DS being excluded from Summer club?

124 replies

ThatsSoFetch · 07/08/2018 15:51

I booked DS age 9 into a summer football club - the type that the flyers are put in their bags every school holidays. Paid for the entire summer 2 days a week. Ive just had to collect DS from his 4th session there - he has been excluded for the remainder of his sessions.

They say he pushed another child.

Ive spoken to DS and he says the other child has been continuously bullying him all day and little was done about it all - indeed the pushing incident happened when they apparently all collectively went to the toilet together and DS was lined up by staff next to the child who continued to call him, in front of staff who did absolutely nothing but say to stop name calling - not separated them whatsoever, kept them stood next to each other.

DS has become so frustrated at it - over 3 hours of bullying - that he pushed the child who then pushed him back.

DS has been excluded for apparently being violent in pushing the child. Apparently the other child has been excluded too - for bullying and also being violent.

Ive spoken to DS who is absolutely beside himself. He knows what he did was wrong but said to me he had reached the end of his limit and that nobody was helping him, despite him repeatedly telling the adults.

Im absolutely furious at the staffs mismanagement of the entire situation.

Ive called and spoken to the manager who said that their policy is not to separate children who have/are falling out but that they exclude instantly for any BULLYING or violent behaviour. They couldnt answer why they didnt exclude the child when he was bullying before it reached a point where DS just couldnt take any more.

I wont in any way try to justify what DS did - he did wrong - but what I dont get is why I receive a phonecall asking me to collect him moments after he pushed the child, yet the child was permitted to bully my child for over 3 hours.

AIBU in my view of how they handled the situation?

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 07/08/2018 17:04

I think you need to teach your DS how to respond to name calling without putting his hands on someone. Otherwise he'll not be able to cope out in the real world. This could be a good life lesson for him.

Moanslice · 07/08/2018 17:07

Please stop saying bullying. A couple of hours of being unpleasant does not constitute bullying

Canshopwillshop · 07/08/2018 17:08

Think it will be a life lesson for the nasty name caller too. He might think twice before he opens his mouth again.

prh47bridge · 07/08/2018 17:08

3 hours of being annoyed by another child isn't 'bullying'

What the OP has described is very clearly bullying. Any repeated behaviour intended to hurt someone emotionally or physically is bullying. 3 hours of name calling is very definitely bullying. The staff should have dealt with it. The OP's son is at fault for pushing the bully but I agree with the OP. If the staff had dealt with the bully in the first place her son would not have been excluded.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/08/2018 17:10

3 hours of being annoyed by another child isn't 'bullying'

Depends what was said/how it was said.

Caribbeanyesplease · 07/08/2018 17:10

Annoying but I agree with their stance.

It’s a holiday club. They aren’t interested in the education, discipline or future well being of your son like a school.

It’s about short term fun. There was trouble. They don’t want to deal with trouble. So the have a black and white rule.

nancy75 · 07/08/2018 17:13

Did your son tell the adults running the club about the name calling before the toilet incident?
As it’s foottball camp I’m guessing quite a few kids, not many adults & a good chance they weren’t within hearing distance of every child for the whole 3 hours

crazycatgal · 07/08/2018 17:19

The policy about not separating children is ridiculous. Your DS did the right thing bringing this to the attention of staff, I can understand why he became frustrated if they did nothing.

Viviennemary · 07/08/2018 17:19

This was dealt with in a very incompetent way IMHO. The bullying should have been dealt with immediately and not allowed to escalate. I don't blame your DS. That's what these bullies do. I'd report this club to your local authority and say you are very concerned about their ability to deal with children in a proper way as regards bullying which seems to be completely ignored..

Viviennemary · 07/08/2018 17:21

Three hours of being annoyed by another child isn't bullying. Of course it's bullying.

Bowerbird5 · 07/08/2018 17:26

Many adults don't regard name calling as a problem. It is. He has learnt a hard lesson.

Drspouse
I agree. We had some running an after-school club they seem to let the kids run amok. I am often still there marking work and even kids that are usually well behaved are messing about. They wouldn't get a job as a TA!

Moanslice · 07/08/2018 17:29

I think name calling IS a problem. Over the course of 3 hours, it is not bullying

Budgiegirlbob · 07/08/2018 17:30

since the other child was bullying he should have been excluded earlier, rather than it culminating in this situation. That is my point. This could have been avoided

The problem is verbal bullying can be very difficult to spot, physical actions are much easier to spot.

How many times did your DS tell the adults about the name calling? Unless they witnessed it first hand it can be different to deal with.

I’m a cub leader, and I sometimes get cubs coming up to me to say another child has been rude, name calling etc. I will always have a word, tell them to keep away from each other if they can’t get on etc, but unless the other child admits to it, there’s often not much more I can do until the bullying becomes more obvious.

BackforGood · 07/08/2018 17:33

There's lots of good points been made here - BezM is right, your ds is telling you what happened from his perspective. That isn't always the whole story. Not that anyone is fibbing, but it is about perspective.
Icecreamface is also right in that the folk running the training are usually students who happen to have some football skills - they haven't done teacher training, or child development, indeed unlikely to have had any training, and might not yet have the experience and skills to have handled the situation in the best possible way. (Yes, I don't 100% know that, but it would be typical).
In the same way that people are exclaiming a push isn't 'physical violence', I'd agree with the pp who said someone calling names for a morning isn't bullying. It isn't nice. We don't know how much it was happening. We don't know what OP's ds said to the coach, and how often he went back to the coach and made the coach aware he was getting angry about it. None of us know that level of detail.
I think you were lucky to get your money refunded, tbh. I do feel your frustration, but now is the time to get ds to learn how he could have handled the situation differently.

prh47bridge · 07/08/2018 17:34

Over the course of 3 hours, it is not bullying

Yes it is. It is repeated behaviour intended to hurt somone emotionally. That is bullying.

petrolpump28 · 07/08/2018 17:36

What attempts did your son make to report the bad behaviour? Who did he tell and how often and what was their response?

MrsBobDylan · 07/08/2018 17:37

From what you've written op, the staff have said the other boy named called then your son retaliated by pushing. Did they confirm that it had gone on for 3 hours up to the point where ds snapped?

If they hadn't witness 3 hours worth of name calling then it just looked like the other boy called ds names, ds pushes him then other boy pushed back. They they were both excluded.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2018 17:50

Im just annoyed at their handling of the situation and how if they had excluded the other child earlier for bullying, DS wouldnt have done that - yes I know what he did wasnt right but still, totally could have been avoided if they hadnt been selective in activating their policy!

There's a danger in that way of thinking.

"If only people didn't wind me up, I wouldn't hit them".

How many times have you heard that ^^ said by men?

He's 9 years old and whilst being called names is horrible, he needs to learn different, non violent strategies to deal with it.

JessicaJonesJacket · 07/08/2018 17:52

I'd be annoyed but tbh I wouldn't want my DC to stay in a place where they could be called names for 3 hours.

Canshopwillshop · 07/08/2018 18:07

Worra - that’s a huge leap to make! We are talking about a 9 year old boy pushing another kid who had been taunting him for hours. The OPs son hasn’t punched, kicked, bitten etc. It doesn’t sound like a violent act of aggression and the OP has said he knows he was wrong and she has spoken to him.

Cherubfish · 07/08/2018 18:11

It does sound like they should have intervened sooner to stop the other boy being horrible to your DS. I can see why you're angry, OP.

AJPTaylor · 07/08/2018 18:33

Your boy is better off out of it.
My dds have been to numerous activity camps/clubs. The best ones are fab. Usually overseen by experienced teachers with lots of enthusiastic sports/trainee teachers who are great with discipline. They are also very open that any form of bullying will result in place being withdrawn. But something such as name calling would be dealt with firmly and the name caller would be under the leaders nose for the rest of the day.
The worst ones are those that dont utilise teachers or youth leaders and i swear some of them have never supervised a child in their life

geekone · 07/08/2018 18:54

@Canshopwillshop best story ever

OP I would be p’d off too and I would be making sure they listened. Kids do this at football all the time especially if they are playing against a better player. They goad and push buttons on purpose and can generally be little shits. We have our DS primed every time not to get wound up and to ignore it otherwise during a game all the frustration would come out.
Good luck op.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2018 19:10

Canshopwillshop I wasn't making any kind of leap.

I'm talking about the OP's attitude. She's basically saying if her son hadn't been called names, he wouldn't have been violent.

Well kids call each other names. It's not nice but it happens and they need to learn to deal with it in a non violent way and they'll learn to deal with it easier, if their parents aren't of that kind of mindset.

Original poster

ThatsSoFetch · 07/08/2018 21:28

Actually - for anyone criticising my mindset - I was a childminder for a number of years (still registered actually!) And dealt with my fair share of behavioural issues as well as general arguments between children. The way it has been handled is poor to say the least. From my son's account as well as the manager I spoke to today, my son didn't start it or indeed continue it on. I'm appalled at what his eventual action was but as an adult we know this is wrong - a tormented 9 year old child will eventually lash out. As said several times - I don't condone my son's behaviour - he was and knows he was wrong. But if a summer club has a zero tolerance policy they should act on it immediately rather than allowing a situation to escalate like it did. When minding I had a 3 strike rule - and the strikes were only very serious incidents. But any childcare provider has a duty of care and they have failed terribly today.

OP posts:

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