To refuse to move in with PIL??

[peachnuts]

PIL are in their 70s. Me and DH are mid and late 30s and we have a 3 year old DD and considering a second (had a bad pregnancy and PND neither of which I wish to revisit)

Both of us run own our businesses. DH would cease trading, I would have to work from home 3/4 days a week, and travel home the other 1/2 days a week and stay in our current house (we are very fortunate that thanks to generous family on both sides and over paying on our mortgage our repayments are tiny and will be zero in about 6 years time).

DFIL has just retired (at 71!) running his own business that DBIL has assisted him with for the past 15 years.

DH has now decided that he wants to go and move in with his parents (at least temporarily) and work with his brother, who he is very close to. They have a coachouse on their grounds so we will have separate living accommodation but they will be literally 30 seconds from our front door when they are at home.

I can think of pros and cons for this:

Pros:

1. MIL/FIL/DSIL will look after DD full time- aside from the time we want her to spend at nursery (so she can socialise with other children etc)
2. DH will be surrounded by his family, whom he is very close to.
3. DD will grow up around her cousins- one of whom is only a few months older- strong pro as we may not have another DC.
4. We will be living in a very beautiful, but expensive, part of the country that we couldn’t otherwise afford to live in as we won’t be charged rent

Cons:

1. MIL can be very overbearing. She hates being alone, insists on parenting DD when she comes to visit/we visit her- which I can let go for 2/3 days. Full time? Not a chance. I can treat it as a vacation at the moment (nothing better than lying in a hot bath while she takes DD to the park ) but im her mother. Not her.
2. DH doesn’t realise I am just as close to my own parents/family who I won’t see unless I/we visit them. Mum looks after DD one day a week and as it is her only young grandchild (DSIS 2 are teens) she will be gutted if this stops.
3. PIL live in the middle of nowhere. It’s 20 minutes to the nearest town, chances of getting snowed in in winter are high if we get a big dump.
4. I will have to miss out on 1/2 days of DDs life every week to work. DH argues that I could stop working and we would easily manage but I love my work and it keeps me sane

I don’t want to do it, in fact I’ve told DH he’s more than welcome to pack up his bags and leave if he wants to. He’s gone off to work in a sulk this morning after a big argument and him sleeping in the spare room last night.

Also pissed me off he’s discussed it with MIL before me

AIBU?

Don’t do it. It will not end well.

Don't do it. The argument with DH now is nothing compared to the arguments and grief if you move there

He wants to make such fundamental changes to your work and home lives, and yet he's talked to DMIL before his own DW?!!!!

You have a DH problem....

Sounds very dodgy to me. Although you'll have your own living space, you will be in each other's pockets and dynamics are certain to change. It might all work out amazingly, but in my experience people rarely react or behave in the way you expect they will. MIL might get on a power trip and undermine your parenting, the children might hate each other after a month in close proximity... you have no way of knowing how this is going to go, but it won't be all rosy that's for sure. This is a MASSIVE change for you all and will have a massive impact, and your DH talking to MIL about it before you is just damn cheeky if you ask me. Sit him down and have a proper conversation about it, just don't get talked into anything you're not 100% comfortable with, for goodness sake.

Goodness no op. It will be you who is packing their bag soon after if you move in with them.

Don’t do it for many reasons - especially the fact that DH discusses it with mil before you and the fact that he’s sulking because you won’t do it.

It won’t work if this is how you feel at the discussing-it stage, and if that is how he reacts to you raising it.

Tell him that moving into this carriage house would have disproportionate benefits for him, some possible benefit for DD, and disproportionate downsides for you. Then ask him what he would do if faced with a similar conundrum where he’s facing a material downgrade to his life. His answer will tell you LOADS about him.

i wouldn't do it.

Let DH go and he can visit you on alternate weekends

If he's prepared to let you do it, there's no reason why he can't

I wouldn't want to do it either, but it does sound like your dh is wanting what you actually have now - so I can see, from his pov, there is an argument that why should your Mum get to have one day a week with dd, but his Mum isn't allowed..... why should he have to live apart form his family, when you aren't willing.... etc.

How far away do his parents live from where you are now ?

How far do they live from where you live now? If I'm being dim, forgive me, but the point of this is so your husband can run the business with his brother?

I never get the view on mumsnet that being close to the woman's family is always a positive and being close to the man's family is always a negative. In each situation DD would be close to one set of grand parents and their is nothing inherent that should prioritise one set of grand parents over the other.
In many families continuing a decades old business ran by a retiring family member brings considerable sentimental value to the family as a whole and DH also probably feels some sort of responsibility to help his brother out.
It is also understandable that he spoke to his mother first as there is no point in raising the possibility if she wouldn't be willing to let you live in the coachhouse or if FILs retirement was due to the business becoming unviable financially.

Going to say the same as GreenTulips why can’ Your DH work away in the week? I think the domineering aspect would be the decider as there would be no escape. If you can only handle 2 days at the moment you’ll be climbing the walls after 1 week. Plus I’d be loath to give up the security of my own house to live in someone’s else place as it will never be seen as yours and boundaries even harder to maintain.

Doesn't sound a good idea to me. You could find that relationship with MIL deteriorates rapidly!

So your DH wants you to move away from your family support and be dependant on his families goodwill.

He thinks you should give up your job and be utterly dependant on him and his family.

He’s discussed and agreed it with his mother!

Tell him you’ve discussed and agreed with your mother your staying in your own home and continuing with your job and current lifestyle.

Of course he can't see any negatives to this, you’re the one making all the compromises.

I don't think either of you are wrong. It's one of those situations where there will always be a loser.

If you feel so strongly that you are prepared to end your marriage over this, then it depends on how strongly he wants it vs his marriage, I guess.

Yes tell him if he wants to he has two options

1. do it during the week and you are prepared to see how that goes
2. move out completely

You just dont want to do it

Or, discuss it like grown ups, and see if there is a way of making a compromise that works for you as a family ??

Don’t do it.
The very fact that he’s discussed it with his mother says everything.

Why can’t he live in the coach house and come ‘home’ at the weekends? Why would you have to be the one going back to your current house one or two days a week?

blimey don't blame you for not being keen.

Backforgood's right. The reasons for prior discussion with MiL have been described by User. This could be good for everyone with a bit of effort on everyone's parts.

Absolutely not.

Your cons make complete sense and far outweigh any pros.

It's your life too.

If he often reacts to disagreements by stropping, sleeping in the spare room and huffing off without talking to you then it's an even worse idea to get more enmeshed with his family, in the middle of nowhere, with no job and no support from your own relatives. He's trying to bully you into agreeing and that's both unattractive and a warning sign.

If he wants to go let him. It's not what you want and it isn't right for your or your child.

I definitely wouldn’t give up my “Almost mortgage free” home to live in someone else’s property, irrespective of how beautiful and/or upmarket.

Also, I would be concerned regarding your DH’s behaviour following your understandable reaction.

As other pp’s have suggested, I think he should try this for a few months working away from home - returning at weekends - to see how things go. However, DO NOT give up your own home! That is your future security/sanctuary.

As said, any issues further down the line, or you wanting to move out, will be met with the same attitude by him.

You may find them ganging up on you. If there is a possibility of you having PND, then that isn't a position that you want to be in.

If I was your Mum, I'd be very hurt. I'd discuss this with her. She knows you as a couple.

RUN. Don't do it. You Will Go Mad.