To refuse to move in with PIL??

[peachnuts]

PIL are in their 70s. Me and DH are mid and late 30s and we have a 3 year old DD and considering a second (had a bad pregnancy and PND neither of which I wish to revisit)

Both of us run own our businesses. DH would cease trading, I would have to work from home 3/4 days a week, and travel home the other 1/2 days a week and stay in our current house (we are very fortunate that thanks to generous family on both sides and over paying on our mortgage our repayments are tiny and will be zero in about 6 years time).

DFIL has just retired (at 71!) running his own business that DBIL has assisted him with for the past 15 years.

DH has now decided that he wants to go and move in with his parents (at least temporarily) and work with his brother, who he is very close to. They have a coachouse on their grounds so we will have separate living accommodation but they will be literally 30 seconds from our front door when they are at home.

I can think of pros and cons for this:

Pros:

1. MIL/FIL/DSIL will look after DD full time- aside from the time we want her to spend at nursery (so she can socialise with other children etc)
2. DH will be surrounded by his family, whom he is very close to.
3. DD will grow up around her cousins- one of whom is only a few months older- strong pro as we may not have another DC.
4. We will be living in a very beautiful, but expensive, part of the country that we couldn’t otherwise afford to live in as we won’t be charged rent

Cons:

1. MIL can be very overbearing. She hates being alone, insists on parenting DD when she comes to visit/we visit her- which I can let go for 2/3 days. Full time? Not a chance. I can treat it as a vacation at the moment (nothing better than lying in a hot bath while she takes DD to the park ) but im her mother. Not her.
2. DH doesn’t realise I am just as close to my own parents/family who I won’t see unless I/we visit them. Mum looks after DD one day a week and as it is her only young grandchild (DSIS 2 are teens) she will be gutted if this stops.
3. PIL live in the middle of nowhere. It’s 20 minutes to the nearest town, chances of getting snowed in in winter are high if we get a big dump.
4. I will have to miss out on 1/2 days of DDs life every week to work. DH argues that I could stop working and we would easily manage but I love my work and it keeps me sane

I don’t want to do it, in fact I’ve told DH he’s more than welcome to pack up his bags and leave if he wants to. He’s gone off to work in a sulk this morning after a big argument and him sleeping in the spare room last night.

Also pissed me off he’s discussed it with MIL before me

AIBU?

Or you and he can alternate weekends spent at home and at PiLS

Good grief. Why would she want to spend every other weekend with her inlaws?

What are your childcare arrangements at the moment? From your post it sounds like your DM child minding 1 day and nursery 4 days?

I too would suggest the option of you and DD staying in your current home throughout the week and then alternating at weekends between your home and your PILs coach house.

Is it possible his DM has railroaded him into discussing it before talking to you? She may have convinced him that you'll love the idea once he's worked out all the details. Some MiL's are evil like this.

Or maybe they were just talking generally about family issues and this is where it led?

You won't be living in the same house so it will be better than having them to come and stay with you. What would happen to your own house? Sell or rent out?

It sounds like a good idea all round to me as long as the details are sorted out in advance.

I don't understand, you have a secure financial position and your own home and he wants to go and live in the granny annexe? Why doesn't he go during the week for work and you go every other weekend?

OP don't do it. And if you find yourself wavering, read The Little House by Philippa Gregory.

Perhaps they raised the idea with him?

Yes, i agree that's possible - but it doesn't get over the point that he'd apparently "decided" already, or that he's sulking because OP won't automatically comply with his wishes

My opinion is that the cons massively outweigh the pros.
The fact your mil is a very overbearing woman would be the deciding factor. I suspect you'd just end up constantly annoying each other and by the sounds of it your DH couldn't be relied on to back you up.
You have to find out if this is your dh's idea or if it's come from his parents and they're pressuring him.

In your list of pros there is literally nothing in it for you except childcare which you can buy.
There are however many cons. You need to be unequivocal that the answer is no, but that you are happy to discuss other ways to improve dh life without uprooting all of yours

Thank you everyone. DH has gone to the pub after work which has made me even more. I’m going to take DD to stay at my mums tonight seeing as he doesn’t want to be here for her bedtime despite it being the only time she sees him during the week

I suggested to DH he splits his time- one week he’s here 4 days, there three days and then reversed to 3 days here, 4 days there- but apparently he’s not interested in a part time marriage/family 🙄. Not to mention it would mean he can keep his own business going (offering more security for us and our future), albeit part time.

I can get he might feel annoyed my mum has the opportunity to childmind and his mum doesn’t- but I’d never stop her visiting, even if she came and stayed one night a week and minded DD for a day. This has been discussed in the past but apparently ‘wouldn’t work’ from her point of view- as far as I’m concerned, I have made the offer.
Not to mention MIL has four other grandchildren under 5- so she has other grandchildren to pretend to parent.

PIL are approx hour drive away and are much more flexible as they are comfortable driving on motorways/in severe weather while my mum isn’t. Not to mention they are in a much better position to afford petrol etc then my mum is- she is reliant on a state pension, they are not.

Don't. Do. It.
You've said no so he need to find another way.

An hour away. So he could commute every day - like most people do.

Being in the middle of nowhere would be reason enough to say no for me.

Don't do it. I moved somewhere I didn't want to for DH. I've regretted it every day since.

It's only an hour away, he can commute. An hour is normal commuting distance.

I'm afraid he is going to have to like it or lump it, OP. You aren't even luke-warm about the idea.

This competing grandparents' stuff is for the birds.

Fuck that OP. No way.

I love my MIL but we'd kill each other in under a week in such circumstances.

They're only an hour away?

He can fucking well commute.

I wouldn't trust him now, tbh. You would be in a terrible position to do this with someone you can't trust ... if you move formally, you can't just leave and take your child easily if it all goes pear-shaped.

PIL are approx hour drive away

That puts a rather different slant on things doesn't it? As PPs said, he could choose to commute that far and PILs could choose to drive over to see more of DD if they wished

I'm not sure why that couldn't be an answer, rather than moving in with them?

Not a fucking chance

What planet is he on? How can he POSSIBLY think this is a good idea?

I commute more than that each day. Why is that not an option?!

An hour? Why can't he just come home at night?

An HOUR? That's nothing! He can commute with the option to stay over at PiLs if he doesn't want to make the drive home.

My DH has an hour/hour and a half commute each day ... why do you have to move?!

How about postponing the decision? For a year or 18m perhaps. Several things seem quite up in the air at the moment.

BIL can hire a member of staff on a fixed-term contract.

You can make decisions around another child.

DD can get closer to school age.

PIL can settle into retirement - it is all quite new at the moment.

A rash decision on this might be a big mistake. Just let things settle for a bit.

Stop making suggestions, he’s acting like a complete twat, leave him to it.

You’ve said ‘NO’, he’s rejected all of your compromises and suggestions, it’s down to him to accept you’ve said no, or come up with other solutions or to leave. It not your responsibility to solve this when he’s just being just being a beligerant fuckwit trying to bully you into doing what he wants.

Stick to your decision, your life would be hell if you moved there.

Yeah, because in a years time, moving in with the overbearing In-laws, with an over grown mummy’s boy, in the middle of bloody nowhere & with a 20 minute drive to anywhere is going to seems like SUCH a good idea 😳🙄😖😂

Do not delay the decision. You have made your decision, stick to it. YOU will NOT regret not moving there. Ever.