To refuse to move in with PIL??

[peachnuts]

PIL are in their 70s. Me and DH are mid and late 30s and we have a 3 year old DD and considering a second (had a bad pregnancy and PND neither of which I wish to revisit)

Both of us run own our businesses. DH would cease trading, I would have to work from home 3/4 days a week, and travel home the other 1/2 days a week and stay in our current house (we are very fortunate that thanks to generous family on both sides and over paying on our mortgage our repayments are tiny and will be zero in about 6 years time).

DFIL has just retired (at 71!) running his own business that DBIL has assisted him with for the past 15 years.

DH has now decided that he wants to go and move in with his parents (at least temporarily) and work with his brother, who he is very close to. They have a coachouse on their grounds so we will have separate living accommodation but they will be literally 30 seconds from our front door when they are at home.

I can think of pros and cons for this:

Pros:

1. MIL/FIL/DSIL will look after DD full time- aside from the time we want her to spend at nursery (so she can socialise with other children etc)
2. DH will be surrounded by his family, whom he is very close to.
3. DD will grow up around her cousins- one of whom is only a few months older- strong pro as we may not have another DC.
4. We will be living in a very beautiful, but expensive, part of the country that we couldn’t otherwise afford to live in as we won’t be charged rent

Cons:

1. MIL can be very overbearing. She hates being alone, insists on parenting DD when she comes to visit/we visit her- which I can let go for 2/3 days. Full time? Not a chance. I can treat it as a vacation at the moment (nothing better than lying in a hot bath while she takes DD to the park ) but im her mother. Not her.
2. DH doesn’t realise I am just as close to my own parents/family who I won’t see unless I/we visit them. Mum looks after DD one day a week and as it is her only young grandchild (DSIS 2 are teens) she will be gutted if this stops.
3. PIL live in the middle of nowhere. It’s 20 minutes to the nearest town, chances of getting snowed in in winter are high if we get a big dump.
4. I will have to miss out on 1/2 days of DDs life every week to work. DH argues that I could stop working and we would easily manage but I love my work and it keeps me sane

I don’t want to do it, in fact I’ve told DH he’s more than welcome to pack up his bags and leave if he wants to. He’s gone off to work in a sulk this morning after a big argument and him sleeping in the spare room last night.

Also pissed me off he’s discussed it with MIL before me

AIBU?

My ex bought the house next door to his mother and we moved in.

Don't do it.

His reaction - sulking, sleeping on sofa, going off the pub, missing DD’s bedtime - seems disproportionate.

I wonder if he’s given a strong indication (“excellent idea, sounds win-win, I’m in”) to his dad/brother re the family business, and you’re spoiling it for him? I’ve found that people (okay, men) who have made a success of running their own businesses often can’t see beyond the £££ and the financial/logical justifications for things, which they’ve had their wives/children go along with for years if not decades. They see family ties as an irritation, irrelevant in the face of making loadsamoney or the sentimentality of passing on a business from father to son. When there’s a sibling who potentially stands to gain it all if there’s no willing competition, it can get all the more galling.

definitely for the love of God DON'T DO THIS!

Gawd, don’t do it. Your mil would be parenting constantly, you’d rarely see your mum.

It is why I asked, hours ago, about what the distance is. I think we all presumed you were talking about 3 - 4 hours away of further.

An hour is a pretty normal commute. Yes, nice if you don't have to do that, but - if it is his and BiL's business - he can presumably set own hours, etc., to keep the travel time down from the peak rush hour.

It doesn't sound like it is a decision that needs taking. They can let the coach house out and have anther income stream too, and your life can carry on as it is, and dh can choose what proportion of his time he gives to his own business and what proportion he gives to his BiL's.

No need to be so scathing Annie - the decision could still be no in a year's time!

Postponing could be a way of avoiding a full-on family row about it. In the meantime I suspect that all sorts of things might emerge out of the woodwork - is FIL's business actually that profitable? Will he genuinely retire or keep hanging around on the premises? A bit of a delay could actually help the OP's DH to see for himself that this might not be such a good plan.

Don't do it , I've seen people do it and it doesn't work out

Well if he's going to the pub and missing bedtime of his own choice then he's happily started the part-time family situation already, hasn't he?

you would be living in someone else home, even it is seperate.....
overbearing becomes claustrophic and untenable at close proximity. I dont see any gains really for you as a family unit other than reducing your hubbys commute, if you only live one hour away its not so far as to not have these relationships and see each other fairly frequently.

If you try it and it doesnt work out, how are you going to manage the fall out of that, as all the blame will be attributed to you, not anybody else as you are not real family? I think if you dont gel with MIL now, it will be much much worse if you are forced into a daily relationship with her