To refuse to move in with PIL??

[peachnuts]

PIL are in their 70s. Me and DH are mid and late 30s and we have a 3 year old DD and considering a second (had a bad pregnancy and PND neither of which I wish to revisit)

Both of us run own our businesses. DH would cease trading, I would have to work from home 3/4 days a week, and travel home the other 1/2 days a week and stay in our current house (we are very fortunate that thanks to generous family on both sides and over paying on our mortgage our repayments are tiny and will be zero in about 6 years time).

DFIL has just retired (at 71!) running his own business that DBIL has assisted him with for the past 15 years.

DH has now decided that he wants to go and move in with his parents (at least temporarily) and work with his brother, who he is very close to. They have a coachouse on their grounds so we will have separate living accommodation but they will be literally 30 seconds from our front door when they are at home.

I can think of pros and cons for this:

Pros:

1. MIL/FIL/DSIL will look after DD full time- aside from the time we want her to spend at nursery (so she can socialise with other children etc)
2. DH will be surrounded by his family, whom he is very close to.
3. DD will grow up around her cousins- one of whom is only a few months older- strong pro as we may not have another DC.
4. We will be living in a very beautiful, but expensive, part of the country that we couldn’t otherwise afford to live in as we won’t be charged rent

Cons:

1. MIL can be very overbearing. She hates being alone, insists on parenting DD when she comes to visit/we visit her- which I can let go for 2/3 days. Full time? Not a chance. I can treat it as a vacation at the moment (nothing better than lying in a hot bath while she takes DD to the park ) but im her mother. Not her.
2. DH doesn’t realise I am just as close to my own parents/family who I won’t see unless I/we visit them. Mum looks after DD one day a week and as it is her only young grandchild (DSIS 2 are teens) she will be gutted if this stops.
3. PIL live in the middle of nowhere. It’s 20 minutes to the nearest town, chances of getting snowed in in winter are high if we get a big dump.
4. I will have to miss out on 1/2 days of DDs life every week to work. DH argues that I could stop working and we would easily manage but I love my work and it keeps me sane

I don’t want to do it, in fact I’ve told DH he’s more than welcome to pack up his bags and leave if he wants to. He’s gone off to work in a sulk this morning after a big argument and him sleeping in the spare room last night.

Also pissed me off he’s discussed it with MIL before me

AIBU?

Dont do it if you dont want to. Why on earth is he sulking? Why should he get to decide where you all live? Thats not even a compromise because hes moving you in with HIS family! I mean yeah itd be fine if he were just running it by you... but its completely reasonable that you dont want to do it and he really should accept that. I really feel for you. Id be absolutely livid if my husband tried to tell me where to live and what job to do/not do. You have very valid reasons for not wanting to move there and it does not sound like your current circumstances are actually bad... so Youd literally be moving just because he wanted to really! And hes in a sulk about you saying no! What a bell end!

I think that on the whole it sounds like a very bad idea, but it might be redeemable depending on whether or not you can talk openly to your PiLs and will they listen to and respect your boundaries? If your experience is that they won't, then I wouldn't move.

No fucking way.

"I don’t want to do it, in fact I’ve told DH he’s more than welcome to pack up his bags and leave if he wants to."

There is your answer.

I would see if there is a compromise you can reach. Can he work there during the week and you go there on Thursday night for a long weekend?

Also what happens when one or both IL’s die.

Will you be left homeless and without an income?

He's given you a bloody clear sign of things to come by discussing this potential major life change with his mum before you. I would absolutely run a fucking mile at this suggestion in these circumstances.

Not a chance in hell.

Explain to dh it is likely to ruin family relations, not the other way around. You all need your own space and time. Your house is your house, and the security and peace can not be underestimated.

I would not encourage him to try it, what is the point, unless he is going to be permanently living there. It would be a total non starter for me.
The upsides don't come anywhere near to the downsides.

I never get the view on mumsnet that being close to the woman's family is always a positive and being close to the man's family is always a negative.

Because he is the man and therefore should be exlucded from his family when married. You can see this on all the threads where women want to exclude PIL from seeing their newborn grandchildren whilst opening the door to the mothers side.

In many families continuing a decades old business ran by a retiring family member brings considerable sentimental value to the family as a whole and DH also probably feels some sort of responsibility to help his brother out.

This is a good point. And the OPs DD role in where this could go in the future is not being thought through. Its all about the now, now, now for the OP.

It is also understandable that he spoke to his mother first as there is no point in raising the possibility if she wouldn't be willing to let you live in the coachhouse or if FILs retirement was due to the business becoming unviable financially.

I am amazed that so many people are annoyed this is in an issue. But then return the above. Men should not be thinking their family life involved their own mother.

So endeth the Mumsnet rules.

"You have a DH problem"
THIS

Side issue, my DH cannot 'rise to the ocassion' when our P's or ILS stopover ...says he finds it a big turnoff. I know living with any ILs would crush our sex life. 😁

No way. If you do it will end in divorce.

Personally I’d do it. You get to live in the country, rent free, in a posh place you admit you couldn’t afford, with built in childcare and cousins for DD to play with. You get two days a week to live your own life independently and focus on your business and yourself. Sounds great to me.

However YANBU to feel annoyed that your DH hasn’t given you a decent opportunity to have input into the decision. I sort of understand why he discussed it with PIL first because if they hadn’t discussed it and agreed then there’d be nothing for DH to discuss with you. But you must be allowed a fair input.

The other issue is DH going from a business he owns to a business his father owns. Is he expecting to inherit half of the business? Is BIL expecting half or does he want more as he’s already invested 15 years? Will DH go from being a business owner to being merely an employee? Is this a good long term decision considering he’s giving up his own business?

Don’t do it. I live with my in laws with no hope of ever getting our own place. Long story but to this day it is something I resent my husband for.

I lived with mine for 6 months. We also had a newborn. It was horrible. Once you are there then you are trapped. Do not do this.

MIL can be very overbearing. She hates being alone

I'm the first to admit I'm projecting, but this - along with DH discussing it with MIL before consulting you - is all I needed to read. Just what on earth was he thinking??

Whichever "set" of parents it is makes no difference; if ever there was a prior indication of how things would be, this is surely it. And what happens when they start to need care - something they've probably considered when planning this? Would he discuss what you'd do with his DM and also tell you about that later?

Personally I'd run a mile

I wouldn't do it based on your OP. There are some very solid reasons while it's a terrible idea for you, and your marriage may not survive it. And If your relationship breaks down, you will struggle to leave and take your DD with you. Your DH and his family will fight to keep her there.

Me and my dh are currently living with his parents because we were renting and trying to save for a house so they kindly offered to let us (and our 14 month old ds) live with them while we saved. His father is retired and is ALWAYS in the house he never goes anywhere. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! We do not have our own living space as you would.

The only thing keeping me going is seeing our savings go up every month. It will be worth it when we have our own house but I would not recommend it to anybody.

Is it possible his DM has railroaded him into discussing it before talking to you? She may have convinced him that you'll love the idea once he's worked out all the details. Some MiL's are evil like this.

You need to discuss it, but you may need him to come off his rosy cloud first. Find a compromise e.g. him working with BiL for a few days during the week to start with.

Personally, I wouldn't do it. DH's revert to baby boys far too quickly with too much mummy time.

I sort of understand why he discussed it with PIL first because if they hadn’t discussed it and agreed then there’d be nothing for DH to discuss with you

Not at all; this is his wife, not some business acquaintance, and all he had to say was "what do you think about approaching my parents on such-and-such?". Instead OP tells us he's "decided" and now gone into a sulk because she's looking at the cons as well as the pros

Just no

Who says the DH is the one who raised it with his parents? Perhaps they raised the idea with him? In which case he’d have to be psychic to speak to his wife first.

Maybe PiLs approached him.

Your 'cons' outweigh your 'pros' by a tonne, especially con #1. Basically all of your 'pros' are 'things that would be nice' but your 'cons' are 'things that can destroy a marriage'.

I wouldn't do it. I'd tell DH that if he wants to work with his DB, then HE can commute but that you and DC are staying put! He can go stay in the carriage house during the week and come home on the weekends. Or you and he can alternate weekends spent at home and at PiLs.

No fucking way.

Stick to what you’ve said. YOU will not be going, he can if he wants to. Do NOT agree to him working there in the week and commuting because he will very quickly turn that into a stick to beat you with - ‘You’re beng unreasonable making me commute when we could just live there’ he’ll be staying there weekends and acting like a single bloke, whilst you’re solo parenting...nope. He stays in his job where you are OR he moves out & you properly separate.

The fact he’s sulking when you discussed it tell you volumes.

Sounds like your dh has forgotten his vows were to you and not to his dm.
Your sanity /marriage would barely survive if at all if you move op.