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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At 6am wibu to just get milk?

128 replies

LanceStatersGold · 07/08/2018 09:58

Woke up this morning to discover (after getting in late yesterday) that there was only a dribble of milk so quickly got dressed and went to the corner shop when it opened at 6 so that DD could have breakfast.

Got back to be quizzed on where I’d been - DD knew so he could have just asked her.

Explained went to get milk for breakfast.

Ensuing onslaught began:

Did you get bread, yoghurts and bananas?

No, I just nipped out to the corner shop to get milk. Will do proper shop later...

Was then called stupid, idiot and lazy for not making a list.

Again replied I’d gone just to get milk and there’s all those things in cupboard/fridge if he wants them.

Then told again I’m stupid and I should have made a list as there’s loads we need and he went to work in a sulk.

Had put it down to him being grumpy this morning but just had text saying ‘please don’t text me a list to pick up on way home. When you go out make a sodding list and stop wasting your time’

I’m genuinely confused. This should be such a non event but now I’m sitting here wondering if I should have just done the weekly shop at 6am in the corner shop? Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
EnglishRose13 · 07/08/2018 12:45

Text him back saying

"Don't forget to pick up some milk... For your new place!"

sashh · 07/08/2018 14:30

It's called emotional abuse and coercive control. Get rid, you will be happier, your dd will be happier and will learn not to take shit from anyone.

Birdsgottafly · 07/08/2018 14:39

""DD knew so he could have just asked her.""

You've decided to stay in this mess of a relationship and your DD has to suffer for it.

Please don't bring her into what's going on, by putting her in the middle of it. You are doing enough damage just by having the abuse going on in what is supposed to be her Family Home.

omgimhavingababy · 07/08/2018 14:39

That is bizarre reaction over milk...I'm so sorry that he has changed like this. I hope your plans work out and you are able to move on from this emotional abuse pain free...good luck!

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 07/08/2018 14:41

He sounds like an arse of a man. Yanbu at all

Atthebottomofthesea · 07/08/2018 14:44

bird the OP is making plans to leave. She thought he had changed but this shows he hasn't.

She wasn't putting her dd in the middle at all. But lets blame the OP for his abuse.

Winosaurus · 07/08/2018 14:46

Your partner is a cunt. It’s that simple

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 07/08/2018 14:51

Yes exactly. Tell him he can do what he wants on his way home, you are past caring.

JuneDonnelly · 07/08/2018 15:18

My DH went to the shop yesterday and only bought stuff he wanted when we needed basics.

So I moaned and said he should've told me he was going as we needed stuff.

And that was the end of the conversation.

I didn't start calling him names!

You'd DH is abusive speaking to you like that! And in front of your DD as well!

No way should you put up with that! Get rid!

Sparklesocks · 07/08/2018 15:24

He's trying to make you feel small and inferior by blowing up a non event and turning it on you, so you blame yourself. It's nasty, toxic and scary - please reconsider whether this man should be your partner.

BertieBotts · 07/08/2018 15:28

He is verbally abusive. Probably other kinds too.

There is a very good book by Patricia Evans called The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Or one which covers all kinds of relationship abuse by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That?

You'd probably find either of these eye opening - they also give guidelines on how to tell when something has the potential to improve, and how to tell when it's a total lose cause. However the period for improvement is far, far longer than a month. Unfortunately you can't see changes in such a short time.

anitagreen · 07/08/2018 15:30

He sounds quite controlling as if your not allowed to leave the house without a good explanation.. it's just getting milk !

Maireadd · 07/08/2018 15:33

Get fucking rid now, OP. He’s a sexist, abusive twat and he’s obviously not going to change.

IKnowItsTIMHONKSTIMHONKS · 07/08/2018 15:33

Get rid of him ASAP.

haribosmarties · 07/08/2018 15:35

Please leave him. Your life is just going to be miserable with a man who repeatedly behaves like this. He has no respect for you as an adult human being. You could be so much happier. You really neednt put up with being spoken to and treated like this. And think of what your daughter will experience if you continue. It cant be healthy for a girl to grow up seeing her mother be spoken to and treated like that... I mean if it were a man saying these things to her when she is older what would you say to her? Would you tell her to stick it out and see how it went or would you tell her to get the hell away from him?

Flowers FlowersCake

TemptressofWaikiki · 07/08/2018 15:38

He would not be returning if he spoke to me like that. But it is always easier to say on threads like that. Glad you got an exit plan in place at least.

Parkrunner25 · 07/08/2018 15:48

Have my very first "LTB". He sounds like a bullying arsehole.

Don't forget that DD is watching. She will form her opinion on how a future partner should treat her based on how she sees you allowing men to treat you.

EdisonLightBulb · 07/08/2018 15:49

Awful man, he truly is an idiot. This is not going to work.

Original poster
LanceStatersGold · 07/08/2018 15:52

Thank you for all the insight.

To clarify I didn’t put dd in the middle. I merely meant that if it had been reversed and I’d come down to find Dd but not him my, I believe totally normal reaction, would have been to ask her if she’d known where daddy was. Obviously I had no idea this morning that being helpful so no one had to go without breakfast or a cup of tea was going to be used to belittle me.

I can’t do anything today and there’s a practical, financial reason I’m not going to rush it as I want to stay in my home and will be able to do so.

It’s not what I wanted. Our counselling seemed to be getting through to him and it hasn’t. The more I’ve thought today, I believe he made a conscious choice to not just say sorry.

But my only focus is DD and ensuring she stays the wonderful, happy, hilarious person that she is.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 07/08/2018 15:59

OP, it sounds horrible. But i'm glad you're clearly super strong.

If it's any help, Dh and I had a similar conversation just recently, ironically also about bananas, which are pretty much a staple in our house. I'd popped to shops to get a few things, didn't realise we needed bananas so didn't buy any. I came home and was putting the bits away (mostly for lunch for DD) and Dh asked if Had bought bananas. I said, "No, sorry, I didn't realise we were out again." and he said, "Okay, I'll pick some up with DD later when we're out."

Bearing in mind that bananas constitute about 40% of DD's food intake, it wouldn't have been unreasonable if DH had been mildly frustrated that I hadn't bought any. But because he's a normal, nice man, he didn't even see it as a big deal and we moved on after about 10 seconds.

Actually, these are conversations we have all the time - when one of us pops into a shop on our way to or from work but doesn't realise we need x or y. And it never turns into a shouting match and neither of us would ever think of insulting the other one for the food choices even when DH doesn't buy chocolate after eating the last piece

BewareOfDragons · 07/08/2018 16:05

Honestly and heartbreakingly it isn’t unusual and he’s only been home for a month after a period of separation. I really thought we’d made strides and that he’d go to work and realise he’d taken a step backwards.

Stupid is actually fairly mild but is the first name calling since we were first apart

I would make it the last time since he's come back; get rid. He's a vile prick.

plominoagain · 07/08/2018 16:09

My answer to him would be “ You’re absolutely right . I’m not going to waste any more of my time . Your bags are packed “

What an absolute arse . Fuck that for a game of soldiers .

Ariclock · 07/08/2018 16:37

He sounds dreadful op, I wouldn't reply to the text. Do you own/rent the property or is it jointly owned? If it's yours I would tell him to get packing Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2018 16:45

Well, I'm sorry he hasn't changed but you are 100% right to put your plan into action.

You tried to save the marriage, but he hasn't changed. No shame in trying, no shame in admitting it's no good.

Winterbella · 07/08/2018 16:53

Please over the next couple of weeks before your plan is actioned come back and read this thread again so that you can be reminded about the vile bastard he is, incase he trys to hide it again. Flowers goodluck