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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At 6am wibu to just get milk?

128 replies

LanceStatersGold · 07/08/2018 09:58

Woke up this morning to discover (after getting in late yesterday) that there was only a dribble of milk so quickly got dressed and went to the corner shop when it opened at 6 so that DD could have breakfast.

Got back to be quizzed on where I’d been - DD knew so he could have just asked her.

Explained went to get milk for breakfast.

Ensuing onslaught began:

Did you get bread, yoghurts and bananas?

No, I just nipped out to the corner shop to get milk. Will do proper shop later...

Was then called stupid, idiot and lazy for not making a list.

Again replied I’d gone just to get milk and there’s all those things in cupboard/fridge if he wants them.

Then told again I’m stupid and I should have made a list as there’s loads we need and he went to work in a sulk.

Had put it down to him being grumpy this morning but just had text saying ‘please don’t text me a list to pick up on way home. When you go out make a sodding list and stop wasting your time’

I’m genuinely confused. This should be such a non event but now I’m sitting here wondering if I should have just done the weekly shop at 6am in the corner shop? Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
OoohSmooch · 07/08/2018 11:00

And this is why I like being single.

I'm married and can do all those things you described 😂

OP this is not normal reasonable behaviour, your husband is acting terribly. this is not how a happy relationship should be.

Gottokondo · 07/08/2018 11:02

Your daughter will learn about acceptable behaviour from you. Your husband is being very disrespectful. You shouldn't put up with this. He is back only for a month and already abusing you. You really should kick him out

bullyingadvice2017 · 07/08/2018 11:02

I think you should make a plan to get him dumped for good.

Bibesia · 07/08/2018 11:02

But he’s always so adamant I’m being foolish.

This is what is really weird. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, it would be totally illogical to do your weekly shop at the local corner shop at 6 a.m. rather than going to a supermarket or somewhere with more choice at a more sensible time. If I did a weekly shop at my corner shop it would cost at least 10% extra. So how could it conceivably be a sensible thing to do?

StellaHeyStella · 07/08/2018 11:03

We addressed a lot of issues and I was confident enough that things were going back to our normal that him coming home was going to be the least confusing thing for DD rather than living apart any longer.

The best thing you can do for your DD right now is to show her that you have respect for yourself and absolutely will not tolerate a man treating you in this way.
This is him, he will not change. Get rid soonest.

Hogtini · 07/08/2018 11:04

Do not accept this behaviour or try and excuse it any further. The only list you need is the things you dislike about this man and being with him - then use it as a reminder of why you're permanently separated.

Ilovemypantry · 07/08/2018 11:05

Please please please ...don’t put up with this verbal abuse any longer.
There were obviously lots of reasons why you had a trial separation , but this behaviour is proof that it will never work.
Make the separation permanent for your own good and that of your daughter.
Good luck 💐

Lifeisabeach09 · 07/08/2018 11:06

He sounds horrible, OP.
And making you feel that you are always wrong and 'foolish' is mental abuse.
You are setting an example for your daughter. Get rid of him.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 07/08/2018 11:08

If you had bizarrely done a big shop at the corner shop at 6am, I've no doubt whatsoever he would have abused you for wasting money or leaving your daughter alone.

The point isn't that he genuinely thinks you're doing things wrong. The point is to belittle, humiliate and confuse you. You will never be able to do things "right" enough to stop him verbally abusing you.

Original poster
LanceStatersGold · 07/08/2018 11:10

what I’ve construed from the text is that it’s inconvenient for him if I go to the shop again today because that’s time I could have spent doing something else... for him.

I let so much wash over me as I think I tricked myself into thinking that because I knew it wasn’t normal that somehow I’m not being affected by it. It was sort of involved in why we separated but not completely and I think I thought if that got better then this stuff would stop happening.

I suppose I posted because I knew this was such a non-issue. He’d used up the milk, I replaced it. He made it into an issue and then told me I was the one with the problem.

His return is conditional though, and he knows that. What he doesn’t know is that I have concrete plans in place and a deadline for a few weeks time.

I’m going to have to put that into motion now. If it’s already starting over some milk it won’t be long before I’m back to being called much worse.

I’m so sad though, we had a lovely relationship for so long. Even his parents say he’s changed but they’re obviously on ‘his side.’

OP posts:
rudeycrudey · 07/08/2018 11:11

Sounds like he's got something else on is mind and is worrying/pissing him off and taking it out on you via this corner shop incident. Totally unnecessary IMHO. If something is bothering him, he needs to man up and address it.

MorrisZapp · 07/08/2018 11:11

Yes exactly. It's not your behaviour, it's his. He'll carp and criticise regardless of your actions, because he's a horrible bully.

Please don't waste more energy on him.

frenchfancy · 07/08/2018 11:12

Do not wait for that deadline - put the plans in place now.

Storm4star · 07/08/2018 11:19

OP your post sent shivers down my spine. One of the common phrases from my ex was "are you stupid or what?" He almost had me believing I was stupid in the end! This isn't normal and it is certainly not a nice way to live. You will be so much happier without him. The "good guy" isn't coming back, if he ever really existed in the first place and it wasn't just an act! Don't waste any more of your life on this man.

Stepmum3 · 07/08/2018 11:20

Hi,

I have been where you have been. I left my marriage emotionally empty. My ex had drained me of all my feeling. I got my power back on the 31st Dec 2008. He cried, called me names told me I was ruining my children’s life. But I stayed strong and when you meet a real man it’s a breathe of fresh air. I did meet someone really quickly but then we parted and I stayed alone for a 3 yrs. this built my confidence and I went to uni and passed driving test. 10 years and I have grown so much. I honestly don’t think I would be here now. I did once when I went to London plan to go anywhere but Home but I was scared.

You can do it but time has to be right for you.

RB68 · 07/08/2018 11:21

He is being abusive.

My response to text would have been - no no list from your Mother - your stuff is at hers

HollowTalk · 07/08/2018 11:22

I knew this was such a non-issue. He’d used up the milk, I replaced it. He made it into an issue and then told me I was the one with the problem.

This isn't a non-issue at all! He drank the bloody milk then complained when you went out to buy more - he sounds unhinged, frankly, and looking for a fight.

Get this man out of your life, OP. Anyone can pretend they've changed. He clearly hasn't.

RatherBeRiding · 07/08/2018 11:22

I wouldn't wait for that deadline either - you've made a decision (the right one) that this relationship has run its course. Why drag it out?

The sooner he's gone the sooner you and your DD can get on with the rest of your lives.

SalemBlackCat · 07/08/2018 11:22

Seriously, DO NOT WAIT for 'weeks'. Please take the advice of LeighaJ Send him a text saying "how about a list of things you can pack in your bag tonight to take to your parents?" Something like that.
Every DAY you allow him to stay - EVERY HOUR, you are ALLOWING him to disrespect you. Make sure he knows when he leaves work this afternoon, he will be coming to pack his bag. Do NOT allow him to stay one minute longer than necessary.

CoolCarrie · 07/08/2018 11:24

Oh Lance, you and your dd deserve better than this bullshit from him, what an arse he is. You are doing the right thing, his behaviour is definitely not going to change, despite his empty words, you can see that clearly from this, good luck with your plans for life without him.

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 11:40

Why do you need to wait weeks?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2018 11:40

So let me get this right.

HE used the milk up.

YOU went to replace it (at 6am) and got verbally abused by him for not doing a full shop!?!?!?

Fuck that. Glad to hear you have a solid plan in place but suggest you bring it forward to today. Do not minimise this. The way he was speaking to you this morning is awful. He doesn't have any respect for you. Tell him to pack his bags and do one.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/08/2018 11:51

I'm glad you have a plan, but you might need to look at the timescale.
Take care, is he likely to get worse (ie violent) when he realises that you are ending it for good this time? Is there someone who can be with you or nearby when you tell him?

T2705 · 07/08/2018 12:01

Hi, I have not ready the whole thread but as lots of others have said, you are most definitely not being unreasonable in any way, shape or form.

Unfortunately when you are with someone like this, this kind of behaviour takes on some kind of normality so you start to see it as less of a big deal than people who do not live with it day to day. It IS a big deal, please do not put up with this for any longer than necessary. My exH was very similar to this and I put up with it for far far longer than I should. Please do not make the same mistake. xx

MrsJayy · 07/08/2018 12:41

Urgh just come back to the thread just tell him to fuck off you are not interested in anything he has to say anymore you and your Dd don't have to live with him.