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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At 6am wibu to just get milk?

128 replies

LanceStatersGold · 07/08/2018 09:58

Woke up this morning to discover (after getting in late yesterday) that there was only a dribble of milk so quickly got dressed and went to the corner shop when it opened at 6 so that DD could have breakfast.

Got back to be quizzed on where I’d been - DD knew so he could have just asked her.

Explained went to get milk for breakfast.

Ensuing onslaught began:

Did you get bread, yoghurts and bananas?

No, I just nipped out to the corner shop to get milk. Will do proper shop later...

Was then called stupid, idiot and lazy for not making a list.

Again replied I’d gone just to get milk and there’s all those things in cupboard/fridge if he wants them.

Then told again I’m stupid and I should have made a list as there’s loads we need and he went to work in a sulk.

Had put it down to him being grumpy this morning but just had text saying ‘please don’t text me a list to pick up on way home. When you go out make a sodding list and stop wasting your time’

I’m genuinely confused. This should be such a non event but now I’m sitting here wondering if I should have just done the weekly shop at 6am in the corner shop? Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Trazey · 07/08/2018 10:40

He sounds like a dick.

Whether you could have done a bigger shop is kind of besides the point. DH could have been frustrated with me (or vice versa) in the same circumstances but would never have spoken to each other in this way.

Racecardriver · 07/08/2018 10:41

Just text back not to worry because he isn't welcome in your house anymore so it doesn't concern him how you ciposr to do your grocery shopping.

Cindie943811A · 07/08/2018 10:42

OP if you had done a big shop he would have insulted you for wasting money when you could have bought more cheaply at the supermarket.
As others have said, the core of the problem is his attitude and lack of respect for you. Sadly this will not/cannot change because of a basic flaw in his character (?misogyny) and for your own mental health, self esteem and confidence you need to get rid of him. Your DD is observing his behaviour and how long will it be before she begins to treat you with disrespect, call you “stupid” and worse? This will undoubtedly colour her relationship with you, whether or not she is close to her father. For the sake of both of you do something swiftly.
Good luck

Original poster
LanceStatersGold · 07/08/2018 10:42

That’s just it: I know it’s weird, I know it’s controlling, and I know I shouldn’t have to justify any decision that I, as an adult, make.

But he’s always so adamant I’m being foolish. I guess the thing that’s held me together is I usually just shrug it off. This just seemed like such a bizarre incident. He presents it so matter of factly though. I also just realised he didn’t actually let me finish sentences and kept telling me not to start.

I’m angry at myself now for thinking the past few years were a blip and that we just needed to pause and reset.

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 07/08/2018 10:45

If you're so stupid he can go and do a big shop. Stupid man. I wouldn't tolerate being made to feel like shit in my own home. I think you're going to have to reflect on whether you can make this relationship work, it doesn't sound like he has very much respect. I've always wondered why women tolerate so much in relationships (I too am a woman, in a relationship) men really get a great deal.

Emma765 · 07/08/2018 10:46

It sounds awful OP. Please leave him.

I'm guessing it's him who nearly finished the milk without thinking about what your daughter would have for breakfast this morning?

LoveInTokyo · 07/08/2018 10:47

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He isn't going to change. Calling someone names for not getting something from the shop is just not something a nice person does. Ever.

Ginkypig · 07/08/2018 10:47

bibesie's post is a good one in my opinion.

I know your in the middle of this and can't see things clearly but I'm not and I can see! He is treating you absolutely terribly and you and your child deserve better than this!

Iv been in your situation and I'm shocked looking back at just what I allowed to become my normal. things I'd never allow anyone else to say were normal. The best decision I ever made was ending it.
To add context Iv now been with my lovely partner now has never in the whole 15 years we've been together insulted me or used derogatory language towards me.

When I say allow I don't mean blame or fault in that term.

Cath2907 · 07/08/2018 10:47

Of course you shouldn't have made a list and even if you had gone to do the weekly shop sans list and forgotten half the stuff you needed that would still not have been any excuse for him to shout at you, berate you and call you names.

I regularly forget things on my shop, my husband is incapable of following my lists if I ask him to shop. We have to repeatedly pop back to the shop due to our own inability to plan and buy in one go and NEITHER of us ever yells at the other one about it (although I will admit to occasionally rolling my eyes a little!!)

Your husband is behaving completely unreasonably. It sounds like this is far from an isolated incident. I think you know what you need to do. Best of luck.

longwayoff · 07/08/2018 10:49

Lady Flange's List. Print it and stick it on the wall. Learn it and stick with it. Please dont allow this vampire to suck your life out of you until there's nothing left, at which point he'll leave you to find another apologetic maiden to meet his needs.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 07/08/2018 10:49

Of course he is adamant that you are being foolish. This enables him to continue to abuse you. Make the separation permanent. Just tell him you've reached the end of the road and it's over. Remove all emotion from the situation when you do it, this puts you back in control.

He sounds like such a horrid man. Thanks for you.

tinytemper66 · 07/08/2018 10:50

Only make food for you and your daughter and fuck him!

Willow2017 · 07/08/2018 10:50

Well now you know they weren't and he is an abusive arse you can do something about it.

Get rid and dont look back. You dont need this prick in your life nor does your dd for that matter i am sure he will talk to her the same way given the chance.

Txt him not to bother making life plans with you to verbally abuse you any more as his stuff will be on the doorstep for him later to collect.

iloveredwine · 07/08/2018 10:51

text him and tell him his bags will be outside and the trial separation is now a permanent one.

CaMePlaitPas · 07/08/2018 10:52

Also who makes a list to go to the corner shop? What a first class pudding.

ShumpaLumpa · 07/08/2018 10:53

But he’s always so adamant I’m being foolish.

He can't or won't see the other person's side.

I also just realised he didn’t actually let me finish sentences and kept telling me not to start.

Your perspective is not important to him so what's the point of letting you finish?

liz70 · 07/08/2018 10:53

You really, really don't need this nasty piece of work in your life.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 07/08/2018 10:53

Time to reinstate the separation and get busy turning it into a divorce. The way he speaks to you is abhorrent. Please don't shrug it off.

flumpybear · 07/08/2018 10:54

Pack his bags and change the locks - you don't need this excuse for a husband

Princess9891 · 07/08/2018 10:55

I'd tell him to pick up a sleeping bag on the way home as he will be kipping in the garden! What an absolute wanker. You DON'T have to accept this. Get your ducks in a row if you haven't already and get him gone.

Oysterbabe · 07/08/2018 10:57

No one buys bananas for about £8 at a corner shop rather than 10p each in a supermarket. Dashing there for the one thing you need immediately is what they are used for. That aside, he's an utter arsehole and you should tell him to get fucked.

UpstartCrow · 07/08/2018 10:58

''Was then called stupid, idiot and lazy for not making a list.''

''Then told again I’m stupid and I should have made a list as there’s loads we need and he went to work in a sulk.''

This isn't normal. Its bullying. He sounds like he needs to have someone around to kick to make him feel like the big man.

nellieellie · 07/08/2018 10:58

Take his clothes. Place on driveway. Pile up bread and bananas. Open some cheap cherry yoghurts and pour on the top. Place sign saying “Huge apologies for my stupid, lazy idiocy. Here’s the rest of the shopping darling. You can take it with you on the way out”.
But, in the real world, you can’t take this rubbish. I would not have anything to do with a man that spoke to me like this. He is being horrible. If you’re thinking of not kicking him out he HAS to apologise, grovel etc at the very, very least. But someone who thinks it’s OK to treat anyone like this is unlikely to change.

mombie · 07/08/2018 10:58

Dont waste your life on this, not another second of time. It is horrible to read let alone live through. You decided to get milk and that is fine. If he wants to get something else that is his decision. If he wants to wake up and be a grumpy dick that is on him too, shouldn't affect you. Don't get drawn into trying to justifying why you didn't do a big shop. You didn't because you didn't want to and if has an issue with that he can piss off.

Live your life on your own terms because you only get to do it once.

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 10:59

I think ‘you’re right I’m wasting my time. You need bags packed and to be gone tonight’ is the appropriate response.