To expect best friend to dislike someone who hurt me?

[Mummyinlove1987]

So to cut a long story short, a couple of years ago I was ghosted by my best friend of 10 years (S).When she suddenly cut me out of her life despite my multiple attempts to reconcile.It hurt like hell.I have thought of her everyday since.The past few years have been very hard as there is still a hole in my life and it seems there is always something reminding me of her, as I still live in the area and we share a couple of mutual friends who met S through me but became close and have remained friends.
Anyway, I met up with these mutual friends yesterday (which is always abit awkward tbh...Obviously they now have split loyalties so we tend to avoid talking about S... but the topic is always the elephant in the room)
During the meet up, we were chatting about (not in a nasty way) my now best friend (H) who they know abit through me, and who I have become very close to since losing S.
During this it came out that C had seen H on a night out recently whilst with S, and H was chatting and being friendly with S.
This was like a punch to the stomach for me, as I have confided alot in H about what happened with S and she has always appeared to agree with and support my side.I couldn't believe she would be
nice to someone who has hurt her best friend so badly! Surely her loyalties to me should mean she should have either given S a piece of her mind for mistreating me, someone she supposedly cares about, or ignore her and walk away? (Especially as she was there with her other best friend who also doesn't like S as they fell out years ago too)
H has alot of positive qualities- she is very warm and caring in many ways but unfortunately doesn't have much of a backbone and can be quite 2 faced about people as she seems to always want to be liked by and friends with everyone and avoid conflict.However she was never actually friends with S and only met her afew times briefly with me, so seems wired why they should want to talk anyway.
I challenged her about it last night and she got very defensive and can't seem to see what she has done wrong.I don't know how I could cope with losing another best friend who I care for so much... i am still affected alot by the fall out with S two years on,but I am not sure i can forgive her either.
AIBU to think that if she really cared about me and was a loyal friend she would never be nice to my worst enemy behind my back ?
Please advise, thankyou!

The OW scenario seems pretty unlikely AuntieStella - S did the ditching and OP made multiple attempts to reconcile with her - why would you try to be chums with someone who had slept with your partner, or care about them in any way? op says she has no idea why she was dropped.

It is conceivable perhaps that OP was in a relationship with S -thinking about her every day and not being able to move on suggests more than just friendship. If S is an Ex it makes more sense that OP doesn't want her friends to be friends with her. But she still can't stop them being friends if they want to.

If your former best friend had done something hideous and unforgivable then you might, just might have a point but her only crime is she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore and going on your juvenile rant in the OP I'm not surprised.

Goodness me- thankyou for the overwhelming response here!

I do find some of the replies quite harsh! :-/... I am not a nasty person, just someone over-sensitive,who feels things way too deeply and cares rather too much!)

However alot of the somewhat kinder yet helpfully blunt and honest replies have made me realise that yes alot of all this probably has been caused by my insecurities, trust and control issues.'Best friend' and 'enemy' probably do make it all sound rather immature, and probably weren't wise words to use, but I am not generally an immature person, just that side does show when I am angry as I struggle to handle my emotions in a very mature way.

My father was very controlling over me as a child, and i was always under alot of pressure to behave how he wanted, and have experienced a fair bit of rejection from those around me, which has made me feel like i can't trust people to genuinely care about me and to always worry that they 'don't really like me underneath'.Thats why this seems a big deal to me, as i worried it meant 'H' didnt actually care for me.

I have had jealousy and control issues in friendships since I was about 6 years old, and I guess it's something I've never managed to properly address, and probably should get some help with.I have just always felt that when my friends get to know each other, they seem to get close and detach from me, and worry S might try to turn H against me if they are on good terms I suppose :-/

S and I had a good friendship until C and another girl joined the mix, then for some reason I always felt like the odd one out and inadequate.I guess I was scared they would turn her against me,so became controlling and pressurising towards her as i was scared of losing her, but it backfired and had the opposite effect.Because I was always paranoid about her not liking me and was probably very needy and clingy.I am an only child who had hardly any family either,and have always invested heavily in friends, probably trying to make them more like a sisters.
I can assure you S and I had nothing more than a platonic relationship (in my eyes anyway, and hers too as far as I know) although she was bisexual I am hetrosexual.S struggled to maintain relationships with boyfriends, as did I for a long time, but I eventually settled down, and seeing me getting married and planning to start a family which was what she wanted too must have hurt, although I always tried hard never to rub it in her face, maybe it was too much as she was feeling down about all that not long before our friendship ended.She also had a brief relationship with my husband's mate not long before, and was very upset when he ended things, which probably didn't help either.
I guess we both had our issues with one another's lives and behaviours.

I will be apologising to H as, like someone sensibly said, if I lose her too then it is just letting S continue to hurt me.It might be too late as alot was said between us, but I know we still care about each other so perhaps if I accept responsibility for doing wrong then perhaps she may reconsider.I really do hope so.

YABU. One of our best friends is still really good mates with someone who nearly broke our relationship apart. I don't expect them to stop speaking to them because we did. That's very self absorbed thinking!

It’s hard when a friendship ends no matter how old you are, especially if you aren’t sure of what happened and never got to ‘have it out’ to find out what you did wrong, and possibly defend yourself against it and tell your side of the story.
I’m in a group of friends where we’ve known each other nearly 20 years. Last year one of the group just…stopped talking to us. Left the whatsapp group, wouldn’t answer texts, wouldn’t pick up the phone..nothing. Eventually we gave up after one of us texted her husband asking if she was OK as we were worried something had happened to her, and he just replied saying she was fine and not to worry. So it was clear she just didn’t want to be our friend anymore. We have no idea why as she has never given an explanation. We were all very hurt by it, and also we were angry that we never got to understand what we did, or defend what was so terrible that it meant cutting us all out. But it was her decision, we can’t change her mind if she won’t talk to us.

So I see why you’re sensitive OP, but as PP have said, you can’t police other people’s friendships. What happened between you and your friend only happened between you both, it’s not fair to ask others to pick sides. What happened to you wasn’t nice, but please don’t sabotage your other friends due to it.

Well done for recognising that being clingy and needy with people tends to push them away. Your controlling fathers behaviour may have led to this and counselling may help. Try and work on your insecurities a bit and develop other interests and join clubs, take evening classes etc so you don't focus so much on a small circle of friends. I have close friends but also friends I like to go walking with, other friends I meet up with occasionally for meals or days out and book club friends.

I would apologise and explain to H and say you are working on not being such a possessive friend. People are not possessions and they can talk to whoever they want. Try not to give so much headspace to this

OP, well done on your update. It sounds like you've taken the comments on board and I'm glad you've decided to apologise to H.

cranky it means I read posts with a little more scepticism than I did previously put it that way. It also made me realise that when everyone posts they do so from their own particular view point - I know that sounds obvious but I'd not considered really that someone would change things so radically just to get a reaction from a forum to then justify their actions in RL. I know people change things to protect their identity but that was genuinely changed so much I didn't recognise myself (hence posting and feeling a total fool!)

OP There's a thread on here somewhere for those who came from dysfunctional families which might be of help to you, I'll see if I can find a link. It does effect you when you feel pressured and controlled by family so do be aware that though they're your family theyre not perfect or exact examples of how others will behave (if that makes sense), it sounds like you are, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of that. I posted what I did to try and help you not to fall into the behaviour my ex-friend has who has sadly ended up being mocked and losing more friends as a result.

In the unlikely event of my best friend and I no longer speaking after 55 years of friendship, I would be sad but would never expect mutual friends to stop being friends with her.

I can't find it, when I do I'll try and remember to post!

OP, please get some counselling. You seem to be carrying a lot of pain, insecurity and secret shame about who you are. It is such a pity that your behaviour is pushing people away because that is confirming your worst fears when the truth is you are of worth. You need to talk this through with someone who is trained and do some hard work on building up your self-esteem. There are some great books out there too.

No your friend should not give someone a piece of her mind just because she’s upset you.

This is your jealousy and wanting revenge kicking in. It’s ok to feel like that but you need to rise above it. I know it’s hard. I have the same situation with a few friends but you have to accept it and move on.

From what you have said OP you destroyed your relationship with S over jealously issues because she was friends with C.

You are on course to have history repeat itself all over again by destroying your friendship with H because she dared to have one conversation with S!!!

Your “worst enemy” is yourself! You are repeated burning down your own house (and upsetting everyone else in the process).

You really need to take a step back and examine your behaviour here. Perhaps find someone to talk to professionally about this.

My oldest, closest friend “M”and I have been friends for over thirty years. She’s wonderful but we don’t live in each other’s pockets.

I have three or four other very close female friends (as does she) and none of us socialise all together more than just very occasionally.

My close friendships with other women take nothing away from my lifelong friendship with M.

Similarly I think it’s wonderful that she has great relationships with people other than me (she’s a truly lovely person, of course she has other friends!)

Healthy relationships never exclude everyone else. Look at the relationships board, as soon as a poster says her new partner complains about the time she spends with friends everyone screams red flag!!!

And they are right. The heart has lots of space for all sorts of people and all sorts of relationships.

Mummy I’ve just read your update.

Tbh I’d have a think about what the middle group of ‘women’ actually got out of telling you about H and S. I’d distance myself from them as they seen instrumental in anxiety that you have in friendships.

Apologise to H

Forget S, when people treat you awful, its says more about them than you

Good luck with the apology.
At least you recognise that you were unreasonable to expect her to get involved in any way. Civil, polite conversation is a perfectly normal and commendable reaction.

Make the apology very sincere and also try to back off with the pressure to be best friend. Even if the friendship continues on track, her eyes will be opened now and she might notice other times you put pressure on her, even if it is unintentional, which she might have glossed over before.

I have lots of friends in different groups and if anybody wanted me to be their "best friend", I would back off. It's too big a responsibility. Of course I am closer to some than others but I don't want someone to rely on me totally for their emotional well being.

Your update actually makes me uncomfortable.

You demonstrate a lack of personal responsibility saying if you lose h then you're letting s continue to hurt you, yet you will have lost h through only your own fault and behaviour. It's absolutely nothing to do with s.

You also admit you lost s because of your own behaviour being needy and controlling and try to insuinuate she was in some way envious of your marriage and potential kids. You even comment on her sexuality, saying "as far as I know" entering a modicum of uncertainty here that s fancied you or something.

It sounds like you get jealous and insecure in friendships, you don't like your friends being friends with others and it seems never have, for this you Blame your father, or for being an only child, or for not having a wider family. You even blame the argument with h on s, when s has done absolutely nothing apart from talk to h in a social setting.

I would seek some therapy to help you manage this. You will end up friendless and I don't think you deserve that, but you need help to accept personal responsibility and understand acceptable social norms.

No vey very childish

I feel out with a lady whom my best friend is also best friends with

She told my friend that she would have to choose between her and me

Don't be a child. It's ridiculous to expect someone to not be nice to someone because you don't like them. Maybe she was trying to find out why she ghosted you, maybe she didn't realise who it was, or maybe she's an adult and not a 7-year-old and she knows S has never done anything to her so why should she be rude.

Sorry I've seen your update. It's good that you recognise you're not in a healthy mindset.
This article is about 'super-feelers' and may be of some use: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/super-feeler-get-emotional-rollercoaster/amp/

Bluntness100 Considering the opening post I think it's clear the OP is doing her very best but no, you couldn't resist having another dig.

heartsea I think that’s very unfair to Bluntness

The OP and subsequent posts do not demonstrate much self awareness.

My reading of Blunt’s post is that she was trying to offer constructive criticism and advice.

She wasn’t unkind and her post wasn’t much different from mine or anyone else’s - I don’t understand why you are picking her post out?

YABU.
A married couple in my friendship group recently split up because one of them went off with someone else, leaving the remaining partner completely devastated. Obviously no one supported his action, so people tended to prioritise the feelings of the left behind partner for example when inviting them to group events. However, everyone is still friends with both parties. You can't expect your friends to pick sides. Although if they know there is bad feeling, they should be respectful and avoid malicious gossip or stirring things up.

I have to say, this sounds like something my DDs (9 and 6) might say. 'I won't be your best friend if you talk to so and so.' But we are supposed to grow out of this and accept that our friends are completely entitled to make friends with whom they choose. We have no right to complain about it.

It probably does have a lot to do with the controlling relationship you had with your dad. It's good that you're taking on board what posters are saying, and I definitely think therapy would be helpful for you. You'll find it difficult to hold onto friendships if you carry on like this.

Just wanted to let you know, I'd be hurt too, OP. I have a very good friend who is friends with this horrible woman who refuses to acknowledge me. Whenever I see her with this friend, and she just stands there awkwardly rather than saying 'why are you pretending that Road is not standing here?'

Good on you for trying to sort the situation!

I suppose it depends on the seriousness of former friend's transgression against you.

Two former friends chose to cosy up to someone who cheated on me all the way through our relationship, on one occasion flaunting it in front of our whole friend group. I respected their right to be "FF's friends too", because we don't own other people, but in the end I drifted away from them because over time it became obvious they were not, and never had been, my friends. No hard feelings, just is what it is.

YANBU to feel it but YABU to have any expectations of friend in this regard. People choose for themselves and are not obliged to be in the middle of your disagreements. That's not how life works.