To expect best friend to dislike someone who hurt me?

[Mummyinlove1987]

So to cut a long story short, a couple of years ago I was ghosted by my best friend of 10 years (S).When she suddenly cut me out of her life despite my multiple attempts to reconcile.It hurt like hell.I have thought of her everyday since.The past few years have been very hard as there is still a hole in my life and it seems there is always something reminding me of her, as I still live in the area and we share a couple of mutual friends who met S through me but became close and have remained friends.
Anyway, I met up with these mutual friends yesterday (which is always abit awkward tbh...Obviously they now have split loyalties so we tend to avoid talking about S... but the topic is always the elephant in the room)
During the meet up, we were chatting about (not in a nasty way) my now best friend (H) who they know abit through me, and who I have become very close to since losing S.
During this it came out that C had seen H on a night out recently whilst with S, and H was chatting and being friendly with S.
This was like a punch to the stomach for me, as I have confided alot in H about what happened with S and she has always appeared to agree with and support my side.I couldn't believe she would be
nice to someone who has hurt her best friend so badly! Surely her loyalties to me should mean she should have either given S a piece of her mind for mistreating me, someone she supposedly cares about, or ignore her and walk away? (Especially as she was there with her other best friend who also doesn't like S as they fell out years ago too)
H has alot of positive qualities- she is very warm and caring in many ways but unfortunately doesn't have much of a backbone and can be quite 2 faced about people as she seems to always want to be liked by and friends with everyone and avoid conflict.However she was never actually friends with S and only met her afew times briefly with me, so seems wired why they should want to talk anyway.
I challenged her about it last night and she got very defensive and can't seem to see what she has done wrong.I don't know how I could cope with losing another best friend who I care for so much... i am still affected alot by the fall out with S two years on,but I am not sure i can forgive her either.
AIBU to think that if she really cared about me and was a loyal friend she would never be nice to my worst enemy behind my back ?
Please advise, thankyou!

Agree with everyone else. Yabu. It would be incredible poor manners as well as absurd for H to give S what-for or even the brush off during a chance social meeting. They are all adults and behaved as such.

As an asides, you can’t hope to control who H talks to and is friendly with. If you try, I think you’ll find you’re on the receiving end of another ghosting. H is your friend but has no personal beef with S herself. Grown ups don’t indiscriminately take against other people just to back up their mates.

I accept that it's not nice to be "ghosted" but why would you imagine current friend should dislike former friend? After all, you liked former friend so much that you considered her a best friend and still miss her so presumably she has good qualities which others might recognize and like.

The thing is anyone who has ever been ghosted is absolutely convinced they've done nothing wrong and have no idea why someone they were previously very close to no longer wants to be in their lives.
There have been many threads on MN about it and of course the narrative is always that the person doing the ghosting is horrible, mean, spiteful etc while the "victim" is just the nicest, bestest person ever .

Yet there are also many, many threads here where posters who seem perfectly nice and reasonable are at their wits end trying to disentangle themselves from someone they no longer feel able to deal with or who makes them feel crap about themselves, yet can't get the person to back off! And they'll very often be advised to ignore calls, be unavailable and stop initiating contact. Like it or not, it's rarely as simple as nasty cow -v- victim and just maybe your current friend can see that?

You need to move on and tbh I suspect you need to tone down the drama and your very particular expectations about what being your friend entails.

You really need to let go of your feelings towards S. It's in the past, rise above it. She hurt you but it is really not helping you to move forward with new friendships whilst you still harbour so much resentment towards S, who probably doesn't think about you at all (sorry if that sounds harsh, but you really are giving her far too much head space.)

As for H - well of course she isn't going to cause an unpleasant scene with a complete stranger. She was behaving in a polite adult way by entering into a general conversation with someone she happened to come across in a social setting. It's what people do. Doesn't mean she and S are about to come BFFs or anything - just say hi to each other and exchange general chit-chat if they happen to come across each other again.

Best thing you can do is let go of the anger and hurt. It's over and done and you can't change anything.

Yabu. HTH.

Grow up.

I fell out big time with a very good friend a few years ago. She tried making amends but you hurt me enough no coming back I am afraid. My bf who is more like a sister ,we have been bf for over 15yrs still speaks to this ex friend if she see's her out . Doesn't bother me at all ,it was my fall out .I know full well if she ever did bad mouth me my bf would come down on her like ton of bricks,do I expect her to ignore her, no I no right to dictate who she speaks too .Don't give this ex friend headspace I certainly don't .Life to short and precious to spend it dwelling in on people who have wronged us .

Wow! I think you've been told!

I agree with the sentiments that you need to build friendships based on how you interact with each other and accept that people will behave towards others in whatever way they see fit.

I've been badly hurt by a friend who isn't quite all there and is a bit obsessed by continuing to try to hurt me and my family. She has issues. I now realise she was just a drain on me and my family and we're better off without her. We have mutual friends who still see her and talk about her. They are very aware of her shitty behaviour and it's their choice to continue to be civil to her. They don't invite her to social occasions I'll be at and that's enough for me.

Enjoy your friendships and try not to spoil them by wanting to control how people behave when it doesn't impact directly on you.

You sound, um, super intense. Try not to scare H off!

You've thought about the ex friend EVERY DAY for years?

YANBU!
I don't know what's wrong with people.

A good friend ghosted you. That hurt you a lot and you confided that to a new friend who you never thought would meet never mind become friends with S.

No wonder you feel punched in the gut.

People are very odd. If you read up on relational aggression, part of the 'triangle' is bystander. Basically bystanders fear that taking a stand will put their own popularity in jeopardy. It is only a very self-confident person who values integrity more than popularity who will take a stand.

It doesn't seem that big a sacrifice to me, I don't want the friendship of people who hurt my friends. Yes there are people out there who were too easily offended due to their own self-esteem but if a friend told me somebody hurt her and I know my friend isn't dramatic and looking to be offended then I believe her and I do not go out of my way to form a friendship with that person.

Neither S nor H have pet rabbits, do they?

I've never done the best friend thing. I've close friends though I'll never refer to them as such to others.

I had a close friend who decided to put a thread on here about me, extremely edited, then after ghosting me for six months decided to let rip at me on the basis of all her replies saying how everyone agreed with her - it's true, I saw the thread (she printed it out) most did agree with her, but then like I said it was extremely edited (I even posted on it). It hurt massively for awhile (I felt a fool, like everyone knew it was me). I told no one in RL and avoid her on here (she's no idea I'm even on here - she's someone who thinks MN is strictly mums only). However, she constantly brings me into conversations with everyone expecting them to 'take her side' and have a word with me.

Aside from one person (who I trust completely) I've mentioned it to no one - she's making a fool of herself in RL and, she's even started other threads on here - Ive seen her threads, she likes to mention how she has the power of MN behind her to people and tell people about them. Like I said, lucky (albeit painful at the time) escape and, most importantly others now avoid her.

It's been over five years since this happened and we'd been very close friends for years before. I'm now in my 40s, she's in her 70s - she was always referring to me as her best friend.

You sound very needy and that would immediately put me off having a friendship with you. Are you an adult? Don't you have a busy life? You sounds as though you are pinning your entire life around an adult friendship. That would be a serious turn off for me; I'd be avoiding you I'm afraid. If you want to keep your friends, I suggest you loosen that leash a little.

I would guess that S has a very different story to tell from yours about the reason she detached from you. Your new 'best friend' H may have heard both sides of the story and feel it is six of one half adozen of the other.
I would avoid having 'best friends' - you don't really need them so much after you leave school. Most people have two or three close friends, and then a wider circle of friends that they do stuff with, go out with etc but don;t necessarily confide their innermost secrets to. And most people understand that their friends have other friends who they may or not also be friends with.

Keep it light, stop investing so much in single people it is off putting. I would find such intensity very suffocating and it would make me back off - maybe that is what happened with S. And sadly i think you may find H backing off too - she doesn't have to have your permission to be friends with any one. It is none of your business who she chooses to spend time with,

"It's not fair - if you want to be MY friend then you can't be friends with her because I don't like her".

Pathetic behaviour from a child, never mind a grown woman.

Bloody grow up and act like an adult. Asking someone to chose who they are friends with is childish.

You sound crazy and childish. I’m not surprised that your friends are distancing themselves from you

YABU. When you go back to school, tell your friend, you are really sorry, you didn't mean it, and buy her a bag of her favourite sweets, and ask your Mother if it's alright if you invite her to your house for a sleepover.

Sorry, I haven't read all this but WHAT exactly happened to drive S to ghost you?!! Why? Just why???

I had to do this with a very longstanding 'best' friend but not without good reason. She had a tendency for playing people off against each other and totally and utterly betrayed me...I caught her slagging me off behind my back for absolutely no reason at all (jealousy, insecurity, etc on her part most likely). I cannot even begin to summarise how let down I felt when this happened, especially as I was about to go through an incredibly painful break up and divorce, some of which may even have been fuelled by the depression that I felt as a result of this at the time.

Funnily enough, she has also lost at least 2 other good friends.

What a way to waste a life?!!

Are you worried they are conspiring against you?

That's a fascinating story becca. I bet there are loads of mumsnet heroes on mn who give their version of events and in really life they're a bit mad and not very nice

I don’t think op is returning to the thread

If I was H I would be avoiding you like the plague. Grow up, seriously.

This sounds like a primary school playground drama to be perfectly honest. Do people still have ‘best friends’ as adults to an extent you will ‘get a new best friend’ when one deserts you? .

My advice would be to find new friends and maybe consider growing up a little.

I’m pleased you posted the short version of this sorry tale. Even then I found the H, C and S bits difficult to read. My take on this:
Neither H or S has done anything wrong. I can’t remember C’s part in all this. Let it go, OP. You don’t get a say in who your friends see.

I think it's reasonable for someone to expect their spouse to be extremely low contact with someone they are NC with (so distant, preoccupied greeting only if thrown into each other's company) but it is totally unreasonable to expect anyone else to go that far.

Was S 'you'r OW? Because I can see how that would cast a very long shadow, and make it difficult to have overlapping friendship groups. And to lose best friend and DP simultaneously is something that might change your perceptions of relationships permanently, and an unwillingness to trust again could leave a 'hole'. But even in that scenario, you have to go forwards, and accept that those who do not share your hurt will not necessarily shun even those who have been extremely shitty (though they may be less inclined to trust them).

You have build new friendships, with people who are generally pretty tactful about not overlapping you with S. That's worth pausing to appreciate in itself. It may be - from your POV - imperfect. But that's how things often are. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.