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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect best friend to dislike someone who hurt me?

114 replies

Mummyinlove1987 · 06/08/2018 09:27

So to cut a long story short, a couple of years ago I was ghosted by my best friend of 10 years (S).When she suddenly cut me out of her life despite my multiple attempts to reconcile.It hurt like hell.I have thought of her everyday since.The past few years have been very hard as there is still a hole in my life and it seems there is always something reminding me of her, as I still live in the area and we share a couple of mutual friends who met S through me but became close and have remained friends.
Anyway, I met up with these mutual friends yesterday (which is always abit awkward tbh...Obviously they now have split loyalties so we tend to avoid talking about S... but the topic is always the elephant in the room)
During the meet up, we were chatting about (not in a nasty way) my now best friend (H) who they know abit through me, and who I have become very close to since losing S.
During this it came out that C had seen H on a night out recently whilst with S, and H was chatting and being friendly with S.
This was like a punch to the stomach for me, as I have confided alot in H about what happened with S and she has always appeared to agree with and support my side.I couldn't believe she would be
nice to someone who has hurt her best friend so badly! Surely her loyalties to me should mean she should have either given S a piece of her mind for mistreating me, someone she supposedly cares about, or ignore her and walk away? (Especially as she was there with her other best friend who also doesn't like S as they fell out years ago too)
H has alot of positive qualities- she is very warm and caring in many ways but unfortunately doesn't have much of a backbone and can be quite 2 faced about people as she seems to always want to be liked by and friends with everyone and avoid conflict.However she was never actually friends with S and only met her afew times briefly with me, so seems wired why they should want to talk anyway.
I challenged her about it last night and she got very defensive and can't seem to see what she has done wrong.I don't know how I could cope with losing another best friend who I care for so much... i am still affected alot by the fall out with S two years on,but I am not sure i can forgive her either.
AIBU to think that if she really cared about me and was a loyal friend she would never be nice to my worst enemy behind my back ?
Please advise, thankyou!

OP posts:
RedDwarves · 06/08/2018 09:31

You sound bloody difficult.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 06/08/2018 09:31

I think that you're being a bit precious OP. I appreciate that S hurt you but this isn't school anymore. She can be friends with whomever she likes, as long as she acts like a friend to you, that's all that you can ask.

The challenging her about it, no wonder she was defensive! She's not 14, she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions and decide to not snub someone who has been perfectly nice to her on a night out.

Seeline · 06/08/2018 09:31

You sound like a 10yo!
Carry on like that and you will be losing another 'best friend'
People are entitled to talk to who they like - sometimes it's just good manners to join in with others conversations.

ErictheGuineaPig · 06/08/2018 09:33

I don't think she's done anything wrong sorry. Your friend has a right to speak to whoever she wants, regardless of your relationship with them. You are going to end up with more than just one ex friend if you don't chill out a bit.

Cherubfish · 06/08/2018 09:33

Sorry OP but YABU. It's perfectly possible to have two friends who don't get on well together for some reason and to meet up with them separately.

NewYearNewMe18 · 06/08/2018 09:34

No wonder you 'lose' friendships, you're very hard work OP. As said ^^ this isn't the play ground, people can choose to be friends with whomsoever they wish. It's really quite childlike to assume everyone else is going to cut ties with a friendship group because you have fallen out with someone in it.

MsJaneAusten · 06/08/2018 09:34

Wow. You’re giving far too much head space to this. Focus on the friendships you have now, not those you had in the past, and accept that your current friends are allowed to be friendly with whoever they want to be.

gower4 · 06/08/2018 09:34

You sound about 7!

mum11970 · 06/08/2018 09:34

Of course you are being unreasonable. You do not get to choose who other people speak too. Think you need to grow up, this sort of thing goes on in primary school playgrounds and that’s where it should stop.

Excited0803 · 06/08/2018 09:35

You're very dramatic. Where's the drip feed about the reason why you fell out with S, because I'm not seeing you mention a criminal act like violence or fraud where she actually hurt you? Nobody is obliged to stay your friend forever, including S, so you need to just move on. You can't and shouldn't want to control who your friends speak with. If you came at me so aggressively and dramatically about some random third person seeing me just talking with somebody I know, you wouldn't be seeing me again. It's none of your business and you are incredibly unreasonable. "Worst enemy" - ridiculous!!!

Starlighter · 06/08/2018 09:36

Yes she hurt you emotionally but she didn’t hurt you physically or steal your husband or anything. What’s your friend supposed to do? Cause a scene on a night out?! She was probably just being polite.

Tread carefully here OP. Let her know it hurts but it’s up to her who she talks to and you need to respect that.

TSSDNCOP · 06/08/2018 09:36

Goodness, right about now I suspect H is going to stop returning your calls.

Why on earth would she create any drama of her own with S on a night out where you were not even present.

Stop being so silly.

Singlenotsingle · 06/08/2018 09:39

Friends aren't possessions OP. We don't own them. And once you get past school age, it's not good to have a "best" friend. Don't put all your eggs in one basket; share with several people, then it doesn't matter if one moves on.

ErictheGuineaPig · 06/08/2018 09:39

I bet you've shared a dramatic meme about this on Facebook haven't you Grin

YeTalkShiteHen · 06/08/2018 09:40

She was friendly while out to someone she doesn’t know and didn’t have any reason to cause a scene.

I think you’ve been very unfair to H. You say she should have confronted S, why? It was years ago and it’s not her fault she bumped into the woman on a night out.

Aspergallus · 06/08/2018 09:41

Do adults really have these kind of “best friends”? Haven’t heard of dynamics like this since high school...

Nikephorus · 06/08/2018 09:41

She was probably just being polite.
This ^^ You can't expect her to be rude to S just because the two of you fell out unless the falling out was because S had murdered your puppy or your granny or something similar.

SugarIsAmazing · 06/08/2018 09:41

I lost interest half way through your post and decided you're still in school (and bored in your summer holidays)

Snappedandfarted2018 · 06/08/2018 09:43

Wow you so extremely immature is your new best friend not allowed to be polite to you’re ex best friend? You seriously need to grow up otherwise you won’t have any friends left. Sounds very school yard!

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/08/2018 09:45

I think you need to consider whether you're behaving like an emotionally mature adult.

It's ok to feel a bit annoyed/jealous etc but then analyse those feelings - are they reasonable? Not really - your friend was just polite and civil on a night out as a mature adult should be. Therefore you shouldn't be putting unreasonable expectations on her normal behaviour.

Using terms like 'worst enemy' is a bit worrying in the context - S had every right to end the friendship with you if she chose, you should be dignified and civil just like H is being. It suggests a bit of a persecution complex to consider her an 'enemy'.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 09:46

I also thought this was written by a 12 year old.

Honestly do you not think is a bit school yard to think this woman isn't allowed to be friends with someone you fell out with?

I think you need to apologise to her, she hasn't done anything wrong and you will end up with no friends if you continue to behave like this. Also the way you talk about her isn't very pleasant. Two faced, lacking back bone. I'd maybe have a think about how you behave with people.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 06/08/2018 09:50

Perhaps H was listening to S's side of the story, which is probably different to yours.
He is allowed to talk to anyone she wants to.
Unless there's a massive drip feed about S then I do think you're being a bit unreasonable here.

ImaMonet · 06/08/2018 09:53

Woah, run H, run like the wind!

Returnofthesmileybar · 06/08/2018 09:54

Yab completely u! What are you 13? You give up this shit as a child. I have a similar situation with my friend, as an adult I can listen to my friend and be there for here, I agree with a lot of what she says even but as an adult if I run into the girl(s) she has fallen out with and I personally have had no falling out with then I can say hello and pass the time of day because - I am an adult, I am civil, I don't have to bring an argument/animosity into my life because my friend would be upset if I didn't

ElspethFlashman · 06/08/2018 09:54

YABU.

And about 12, apparently.

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