Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect best friend to dislike someone who hurt me?

114 replies

Mummyinlove1987 · 06/08/2018 09:27

So to cut a long story short, a couple of years ago I was ghosted by my best friend of 10 years (S).When she suddenly cut me out of her life despite my multiple attempts to reconcile.It hurt like hell.I have thought of her everyday since.The past few years have been very hard as there is still a hole in my life and it seems there is always something reminding me of her, as I still live in the area and we share a couple of mutual friends who met S through me but became close and have remained friends.
Anyway, I met up with these mutual friends yesterday (which is always abit awkward tbh...Obviously they now have split loyalties so we tend to avoid talking about S... but the topic is always the elephant in the room)
During the meet up, we were chatting about (not in a nasty way) my now best friend (H) who they know abit through me, and who I have become very close to since losing S.
During this it came out that C had seen H on a night out recently whilst with S, and H was chatting and being friendly with S.
This was like a punch to the stomach for me, as I have confided alot in H about what happened with S and she has always appeared to agree with and support my side.I couldn't believe she would be
nice to someone who has hurt her best friend so badly! Surely her loyalties to me should mean she should have either given S a piece of her mind for mistreating me, someone she supposedly cares about, or ignore her and walk away? (Especially as she was there with her other best friend who also doesn't like S as they fell out years ago too)
H has alot of positive qualities- she is very warm and caring in many ways but unfortunately doesn't have much of a backbone and can be quite 2 faced about people as she seems to always want to be liked by and friends with everyone and avoid conflict.However she was never actually friends with S and only met her afew times briefly with me, so seems wired why they should want to talk anyway.
I challenged her about it last night and she got very defensive and can't seem to see what she has done wrong.I don't know how I could cope with losing another best friend who I care for so much... i am still affected alot by the fall out with S two years on,but I am not sure i can forgive her either.
AIBU to think that if she really cared about me and was a loyal friend she would never be nice to my worst enemy behind my back ?
Please advise, thankyou!

OP posts:
StripySocksAndDocs · 06/08/2018 09:54

It'd be an idea to get out of your school yard mentality. When you are an adult you don't need to assign a personal to the labelled role of 'best friend'. Nor does anyone, 'now best friend' or not, need to conform to your immature rules of how they need to behave to a meanie 'ex-best friend'.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 06/08/2018 09:58

I'm also curious how old you are ? I admit I find it odd and a bit infantile for a grown woman to use the phrase "best friend " because it's somewhat rude to your other friends and rather does smack of broken heart necklaces Hmm

And worst enemy? It's all a bit ridiculous....nasically she was fine and you are being dramatic

HaveSomeGrace · 06/08/2018 09:58

Ghosting is very upsetting and hurtful, however, I think it’s obvious from your post why she ghosted you. You need to take a step back and work on how much your friendship with H means otherwise you stand a high chance of her ghosting you, too.

Popfan · 06/08/2018 09:58

All this talk of 'best friends' and 'new best friend' and 'she was there with her best friend' honestly sounds like you are 12 years old. Just have friends and enjoy being with them. Sounds like you put a lot of pressure on your friends to have a particular type of friendship with you.

MrsExpo · 06/08/2018 09:58

You're being totally U OP. H can be friends with whomever she likes regardless of your likes and dislikes. This isn't about her being loyal to you, its about you wanting to control who she can and can't talk to. Sounds like a good way to lose friends.

HelpmeobiMN · 06/08/2018 10:01

I understand that you're hurting OP, and I think that is clouding your judgment. It doesn't sound like it was much more than a brief, friendly conversation between S and H anyway, and the truth is that even if they were to become friends with each other it wouldn't be fair or right for you to be upset with H about it. Your falling out with S doesn't mean that your other friends won't still sometimes have a relationship with her.

I think you should probably apologise to H, explain that you lashed out because you have a well of hurt over anything to do with S but that you understand that it's your problem not H's, and that you know H can talk to whoever she likes.

I would also let your other friends know that you don't want it reported back to you when H or anyone else talks to S as it isn't your business and you find it upsetting.

llangennith · 06/08/2018 10:01

YABU. Of course you're hurt but you really can't expect every friend you have to not speak to someone else who's upset you. Sorry OP but you need to grow up.

abilockhart · 06/08/2018 10:02

You sound controlling, OP.

Laughteronthewing · 06/08/2018 10:04

I have a S and H friend situation, you could say that I am H. The key differences are that no one uses the term ‘best friend’, I have a backbone and my good friend who was hurt by ‘S’ is the sort who knows that life is too short and has moved on. My good friend and S fell out long before I knew either of them and they both recognise that they are both older and (hopefully) wiser now.

It would have been really difficult for me if S had given me a hard time for being friends with H, it was a very complicated situation (no ghosting, but much animosity). I have no reason to fall out with either of them and they both know that. They are both great but I can see why they wouldn’t get on! They have until my 50th to sort it out (lighthearted) as I’d like them both at my party, they have a good few years until then though.

JayZed · 06/08/2018 10:06

What did you want her to do on the night out? Drop kick your ex bestie on your behalf ? Confused

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 06/08/2018 10:08

It would have been rude of your friend to blank someone she just met because you two fell out. You see that don't you? You have no idea if she was just being polite or just trying to get a feel for her out of curiosity considering she's been hearing about this woman a lot.

Remember you were friends with this woman for ten years so whatever happened between you both she obviously has good qualities and might just be nice to talk to.

I do think your current friends were stirring a bit by mentioning it. I can't see why they felt the need.

haribosmarties · 06/08/2018 10:09

your friend has done nothing wrong. Do you honestly expect a grown woman to be rude to another grown woman because that person did something a bit mean to you once in the past? Thats very strange. I think you will continue to lose friends if you put this much emotional pressure and intensity on them.

Like PP said that kind of behaviour belongs in the school playground not amongst adult friendships. You are coming across as quite controlling. I think that may be because you are anxious about losing another friend... but this is not the way to keep friends.

Shes not 'let you down' shes just behaved in a reasonable way like most other people would and not blanked someone on your behalf.

Not many people would be rude to someone just because their friend didnt like them.... unless that person had done something completely terrible like beaten you up or something.... but to be rude to someone just because they ended a friendship with someone else in a hurtful way... that would actually be a bit unhinged to be honest

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 06/08/2018 10:10

Also, similarly to an ex boyfriend if you became friends again in the future, it would be very awkward for you new friend, if she had started out their relationship by being arsehole for no reason.

ilovesooty · 06/08/2018 10:10

It hurts when you lose a good friend but she was probably just being civil. I really don't think you could have expected her to make some kind of scene or statement on your behalf.
I really do think it would be a good idea to contact H and apologise.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 06/08/2018 10:11

AIBU to think that if she really cared about me and was a loyal friend she would never be nice to my worst enemy behind my back ?

Sorry missed this.

What the hell. Your worst enemy? Because she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore? Fucking hell.

shinyredbus · 06/08/2018 10:14

Please grow up op - you sound tedious and hard to be friends with.

Mummymummums · 06/08/2018 10:14

YABU. You found jealous and controlling. You really need to stop this or you'll keep losing friends.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 10:16

Perhaps she knows the reason for the fallout and can see your Ex friends POV.

Just because you introduce people...you can't maintain control over them and the depth of their friendship.

The reason I may ghost someone is because they have upset me or have realky annoying traits and I don't want the hassle of pointing them out. It's easier to walk away from the friendship.

YABU

ciderhouserules · 06/08/2018 10:16

It hurt like hell.I have thought of her everyday since.The past few years have been very hard as there is still a hole in my life and it seems there is always something reminding me of her, - Seriously? Do you not have anything else in your life?

I'd really, seriously suggest you get something else to fill that 'hole' Hmm - work? Family? Other friends? Hobbies? Get a dog?

Not trying to be harsh (I too have been 'ghosted' by a friend I thought was a BFF Hmm and yes the rejection is hurtful ) but you do need to move on. You are giving this 'friend' too much power over you. She's moved on, so should you.

The best revenge is a life well lived - revenge in this case being your reaction to how she treated you. Live well, and you won't need to keep maintaining this 'hole' in your life.

alfagirl73 · 06/08/2018 10:20

With the greatest of respect, OP, you sound like your personal happiness is very much dependent upon the actions of your "best friend". Your expectations of how they should behave towards you and other people sound unrealistic, therefore, they will never meet that standard. H is a friend - nothing more - she is a grown woman, presumably with a life of her own, which she is entitled to enjoy as she sees fit - which includes speaking to whomever she wishes.

If your own happiness is THAT dependent on another person, you become needy and smothering - it is the default behaviour when you place that much of a burden on another person. I am afraid I have to wonder if you placed that much of a burden on your previous "best friend" and it became too much - hence the "ghosting".

I admit to "ghosting" someone in the past - and it was because she became smothering, needy, obsessive, controlling, had tantrums.... it was just too much and despite my best efforts to get her to just chill a bit and back off, nothing worked - so I had to cut her off completely. I'm afraid that what you are describing sounds all too familiar.

Try to get a bit of balance in your life - different interests, other friends, don't make your whole life dependent upon one person - it is impossible for anyone to live up to that and any kind of relationship like that inevitably implodes.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 06/08/2018 10:20

I don’t say this lightly, but I think you need counselling to address your control/friendship issues.

NutElla5x · 06/08/2018 10:22

Tell mummy then maybe your mummy could have a word with her mummy.Good luck op

thecatsthecats · 06/08/2018 10:23

I am an H, with two other 'H's, stuck between an OP and a group of 'S's.

At one point the 'OP' types tried to issue ultimatums to the 'H's about seeing our 'S'. Unfortunatley for them, we all held firm and said they did not get to dictate who we're friends with, and their friendship was not remotely valuable enough to us to be worth bending over backwards for.

Petty, controlling, and narcissitic behaviour OP.

Interestingly enough, both the 'OP' types in our case immediately backed down, and one has particularly wound her neck since realising that she struggles to maintain friendships and actually needs US, and is a much better friend for it. So all's well as ends well.

TakeMeToKernow · 06/08/2018 10:30

YABU.

OctaviaOctober · 06/08/2018 10:30

I get why it would make you insecure, but it sounds like you understand her personality very well. I don't like confrontation either. I'm sure I've been seen having cordial chats with all kinds of people I secretly have no time for. It's just easier than the alternative. If someone talks to me and they are inoffensive, I'll talk back. It's polite.

Your ex friend didn't do anything dramatically awful to you - she didn't cheat with your partner, or attack you, or steal from you. She just stopped wanting to be your best friend. It may be worth asking yourself why. Are you too needy? Do you expect too much from your friends? You may be about to sabotage your new friendship. You can't chastise an adult for speaking to another adult in a social setting! She wasn't being disloyal, she was being a normal polite person. Call her and apologize.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.