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Original poster

Stag and strip club..

101 replies

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 00:40

Hi all,

I need some advice please... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and three months ago we found out I'm pregnant. Although it was a huge surprise we were happy with the news and so were our families.. We are both 30 years old so it's all good! :)

Last night we were at a wedding and by the end of the night we were all just sitting and chatting away and my boyfriends brother accidentally mentioned that they visited some strip club 3 months ago while they were on stag.. When we got back to our room I asked what happened as I wanted to know if he got a lap dance etc and he simply refused to answer any questions, just said "what happens on stag stays on stag".. When they got back from the stag he came over to mine, I asked no questions as I felt there was no need and that was actually the night we conceived our baby... If it wasn't for his brother I would have never known about the their visit to that strip club and somehow I regret he didn't keep it quiet... We are meant to be moving in together in 4 weeks time but I just don't know wat to do after this... I just feel really hurt and disappointed, the thought of him getting a lap dance from some hooker is just heartbreaking... Pregnancy hormones probably ain't helping but I can't help feeling so hurt... The first trimester had been really hard not only physically but emotionally too as we live 3 hours away from each other and only meet at the weekends so finding this out had really shaken things up.. About 2 months ago ai found out he has been in constant contact with a few women including his exes so it took us a while to sort that out and move on and just when I thought we did - boom, this happens.. I hope some of you might be able to give me some advice or just your thoughts on this...

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 06/08/2018 00:49

With the luxury of being a complete outsider, I'd say you should fuck him off.

bumbleboots · 06/08/2018 00:54

I wouldn't forfeit a relationship for the sake of a lap dance. Forget about it. Exes on the other hand are a whole pile of trouble. Maybe you are feeling sensitive due to pregnancy but personally I would let it go.

Whatssheonaboutagain · 06/08/2018 06:21

OP - don’t blame the hormones because of course you have every right to be upset and want to know what happened. I would say to you several things -

His brother is a b***d for telling you this when you’re pregnant. So much for “what goes on stag stays on stag.” What is his agenda do you think?

This won’t be the first (or probably last) time your DP has been in a strip club. To me it makes a huge difference whether they just went in with the group (I can see it’s hard to be the one who goes home in that situation), or whether they paid for extras once in there.

All clubs are different. Was in in the UK for a start? If not, there may have been more “extras” than private dance on offer?

My DH has been on countless stags and has told me they invariably ended up in strip clubs. If he had chosen to pay to go off into a separate room or kiosk with a stripper that would be a deal-beater for me. He assured me he hasn’t done that. However, sometimes, you are so close to the stage that they’re basically in your face anyway, or they come round to the group you’re in. Still this is not the same as paying for an individual woman, I think.

It depends on the club. Find out which one and google it to get an idea of what goes on.

Most importantly - the fact he’s maintaining this “lads secrecy code” when you are pregnant and visibly upset would be actually worse for me than the fact he went in there at all. If he keeps this up, I think I’d tell him to get out until he can be honest with the mother of his child and in the meantime I’m sure his brother will have no qualms about divulging the details.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.

CasperGutman · 06/08/2018 06:28

This isn't just something all blokes do. I'm a man, and I've been on a fair few stag nights/weekends. None has ever involved strip clubs. Nobody's ever even suggested it.

LeighaJ · 06/08/2018 06:34

"what happens on stag stays on stag"

Wow what an incredibly sensitive and thoughtful reply from a douchebag.

If he is lying and won't be open already when confronted then that doesn't bode well for your future at all. At the very least I wouldn't be moving in together.

Not all men go to strip clubs, even on stags, it's such a lame excuse when people say that's just how it is and blah, blah, blah. Just because some women want to pretend to be the cool girl and put up with that shit, doesn't mean we all are willing to.

LotsToThinkOf · 06/08/2018 06:40

Well you can't change the past, you need to establish some boundaries and quickly. Attempt another discussion with his to ascertain what kind of attitude he had towards these kinds of things and go from there. He might not realise how much it's affected you or what you are assuming happened. Refusing to talk doesn't necessarily mean he did anything, it could be bravado.

The ex thing is totally different. You need to find out the nature of these relationships now, if it's just a message now and then which doesn't go any further than niceties then that would be ok by me. Meet ups and confiding is a big no and I wouldn't be happy with that.

You need to communicate with him, and if he won't then I'd be questioning things.

surlycurly · 06/08/2018 06:44

The lap dancing thing wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, even if it is pretty vile, I'd be more annoyed that he is shutting his mouth about it all and not reassuring you. Is some boy code more important than his future family? Immature and a bit pathetic of him. He needs to respectfully have a conversation with you about it. Surely if he's brave enough to go in the first place, he should be brave enough to neutrally defend that decision to you...?

SharkSave · 06/08/2018 06:46

I think you have bigger fish to fry regarding the business with the ex girlfriends tbh

Amanduh · 06/08/2018 06:51

I don’t think a strip club is a big deal.
I think him contacting loads of women is!

glintandglide · 06/08/2018 07:00

I think the strip club pales in comparison to contacting other women

I got married about the same age and although it was 10 years ago but every bloke I know (who has been honest) ended up at some form of strip club at their stag. So it’s not unusual, although not particularly pleasant. I also think you have to consider the reality of him refusing to attend the strip club when the other stags were going- was it realistic to expect him to leave and come home?

I hesitate to say this because it’s done now, but this is what can happen when you have children with someone you don’t know very well- you find out things you don’t like.

My SIL and BIL got pregnant after about 6 moths dating and she later found out she was the 3rd woman he got pregnant (te others were terminations) and you just think c’mon, he wasn’t bothering with contraception with you, why did you think he would’ve bothered with anyone else?

Angrybird345 · 06/08/2018 07:04

Leave the tosser

Shoxfordian · 06/08/2018 07:22

Contacting his ex would be more of an issue for me although I wouldn't be happy about the strip club either. Not sure I like his attitude towards women. Are you sure about moving in?

Trazey · 06/08/2018 07:26

I don't like the idea of strip clubs but wouldn't leave him over that.

I also wouldn't be upset about him being in contact with other women, unless there's more info about to be dripped. I'm pretty sure that demanding he break contact with friends is emotional abuse. Isolation is often the first step towards towards domestic violence.

Has he cheated on you or is it jealousy that makes you want him to not speak to other women?

lilyheather1 · 06/08/2018 07:26

The thing with strip clubs is, if your DP hadn't paid for that service, and it was just a random woman in a club or something dry humping him, would you consider it cheating? If you do, there's your answer.

mineisarossini · 06/08/2018 07:31

The fact he didn't have enough respect for you to tell you, to be honest is a major flag.

Secondly yes, if he has been involved with women in the strip club (and it is hard to imagine anything else given the radio silence and the lack of reassurance) then yes he has also been unfaithful to you.

In combination with being in 'constant' contact with his exes against your wishes (and I am sure he would not like it if you did the same) then without a doubt you need to put on hold moving in together and reevaluate the relationship.

Either way this man does sound like father or husband/dp material, he sounds immature and childish and still playing the single man game.

mineisarossini · 06/08/2018 07:32

does not

SpiritedLondon · 06/08/2018 07:39

Yes his brother should have kept his mouth shut. Although lots of stag nights don’t end up in a strip club absolutely lots do.... you know they do, they’re absolutely notorious for them. What happened inside is of course impossible to know. I was in a lap dancing club with my husband recently and there was actually no dancing in the club at all the dancers were just drinking with the punters ( and persuading them to have a private dance) but not all clubs are going to be the same. You’re going to find attitudes to strip clubs are divided and lots of “ disgusted” people who would be telling you to leave him for it. I actually don’t think that’s your problem really. The fact that you’re only a year into your relationship and have already had issues in relation to his contact with his exes makes me worry for you more than the strip club.

Barbaro · 06/08/2018 07:44

He's had a private dance from a stripper no doubt, that's why he won't tell you. And he messages his exs inappropriately.

Are you sure this is a man you want to have children with and spend your life with? There are better ones out there, you don't need this cheater.

thenorthernsinner · 06/08/2018 07:47

Firstly not all strippers are hookers, most of them are normal women trying to earn a living to pay their bills and put food on the table!

This is more to do with him texting other women. Why get pregnant to a man if this was happening around the same time as conception?

Babdoc · 06/08/2018 08:01

You seem to have been rather lax about contraception with a man you had (at that point) only known for nine months. Were you so sure he was good husband and father material that soon? Because subsequent events seem to be casting doubt on that early optimism.
It’s rather a risk to be having a child with someone who either lies to you or keeps secrets from you, who contacts ex partners, and with whom you didn’t apparently discuss or plan children before risking conceiving one.
Now that you are going to be having a family together, perhaps you should have a belated discussion about trust, secrecy, attitudes to partners and ex’s, views on women as sex objects in strip clubs, etc.
I hope he turns out to be a decent man and good father, OP. But I don’t think that is in any way guaranteed from your post.

Confusedbeetle · 06/08/2018 08:06

Strip clubs are and always were seedy and demeaning to both men and women so I wouls be furious. However a big concern is moving in with a man with whom you seem not to have a strong relationship

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/08/2018 08:11

This could just be the tip of the iceberg. You barely know each other given the long distance and the short amount of time you have been dating. You've not even lived together to ensure you can before making the commit of a child, sheer madness.

ManeNachger · 06/08/2018 08:13

However long you drag out this relationship, it will end and you will be hurt repeatedly along the way.

I would leave him. Easier said that done but you deserve respect not to be wondering what he is up to every few months.

I am sorry its turned out like this OP. Were you going to movw to him or vice versa when the baby arrives? Stay near your family. You will need them.

Wishing you luck and happy days with a lovely baby x

AgathaF · 06/08/2018 08:19

In the first year of being together, he's visited a strip club and refused to tell you the detail, and been in constant contact with various women, including exs, that has also caused trouble.

I think you need to look at what this is telling you about this man, rather than what you are hoping he is. He has lax boundaries, he isn't showing you the respect that he could and should. If you are having trouble within the first year, can you really imagine that things are going to be different five years down the line?

Barbaro · 06/08/2018 08:20

You seem to have been rather lax about contraception with a man you had (at that point) only known for nine months.

That's a bit of a jump. She said it was a surprise, so probably using contraception. It doesn't always work unfortunately. That's not her fault.

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