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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stag and strip club..

101 replies

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 00:40

Hi all,

I need some advice please... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and three months ago we found out I'm pregnant. Although it was a huge surprise we were happy with the news and so were our families.. We are both 30 years old so it's all good! :)

Last night we were at a wedding and by the end of the night we were all just sitting and chatting away and my boyfriends brother accidentally mentioned that they visited some strip club 3 months ago while they were on stag.. When we got back to our room I asked what happened as I wanted to know if he got a lap dance etc and he simply refused to answer any questions, just said "what happens on stag stays on stag".. When they got back from the stag he came over to mine, I asked no questions as I felt there was no need and that was actually the night we conceived our baby... If it wasn't for his brother I would have never known about the their visit to that strip club and somehow I regret he didn't keep it quiet... We are meant to be moving in together in 4 weeks time but I just don't know wat to do after this... I just feel really hurt and disappointed, the thought of him getting a lap dance from some hooker is just heartbreaking... Pregnancy hormones probably ain't helping but I can't help feeling so hurt... The first trimester had been really hard not only physically but emotionally too as we live 3 hours away from each other and only meet at the weekends so finding this out had really shaken things up.. About 2 months ago ai found out he has been in constant contact with a few women including his exes so it took us a while to sort that out and move on and just when I thought we did - boom, this happens.. I hope some of you might be able to give me some advice or just your thoughts on this...

OP posts:

Zadig · 06/08/2018 08:25

Where was the strip club OP? They vary hugely. Some are more like a kind of cabaret where you don’t get near the women. On the other hand, there are yhe particularly hideous ones - for instance, when I lived in East London years ago, there was a “table dancing” pub which became famous because the punters used to stub out their cigarettes on the dancers ankles and chant things like, “we can see your cellulite.” Lovely.

Paying for a private dance is cheating in my book. Just because money has changed hands makes no difference to the act itself - in fact it makes it worse.

Maybe he will never tell you the truth now. I don’t like the sound of him based on the info you’ve given so far. He doesn’t feel he needs to tell you because he feels men are entitled to act this way. This is his attitude.

Rezie · 06/08/2018 08:29

I'm ok with strip clubs and I guess I could be ok with a lap dance if it's some type of group thing (not a private room). But I have a problem that he is keeping "brocode" by saying "What happens in stag, stays in stag". I really think that you should ask details if it bothers you. If his brocode is more important then that is worrying.

Also messaging other women is not exactly a great sign.

MissContrary · 06/08/2018 08:29

Hard to say as he won't tell you what happened in the strip club.

With that and the fact you've already spoken about him contacting other woman/exes there's no way I'd be moving in.

Cherubfish · 06/08/2018 08:32

Personally the strip club wouldn't bother me (as it was on a stag night rather than on a normal night out) as much as the constant contact with other women.

hairymoragthebampot · 06/08/2018 08:34

My OH has gone on many stags and they have ended up in strip joints. Usually expensive ones and I really don’t care. I have self assured and don’t get anxious about stuff like that. I certainly don’t view it as cheating. Your issue here is you haven’t been together very long and are now pregnant. The strip joint isn’t your issue it’s him maintaining contact with his exes. You need to sort out any issues now as you will have a baby soon

Mummyschnauzer · 06/08/2018 08:34

You Abu to call someone who works at a strip club a hooker. Every man I know my age has been to a strip club no big deal. I’d be more concerned about messaging women. Are these just friendly chats or are they sexual?

Sweetcarrielynne · 06/08/2018 08:35

YABU to say 'some hooker' which is very derogatory language about a woman who isn't responsible for your DP going to a strip club. Lots of evidence shows that using language like 'hooker' about sex workers and lap dancers makes people care less if they're abused, raped and murdered.

That lecture aside, YANBU to be upset - lots of men view visiting a strip club on a stag weekend as a routine thing, but he should have absolutely told you beforehand that it was the plan or, if he didn't know until the time and felt unable to refuse, he should have admitted it to you right away. The fact that he's still refusing to acknowledge your feelings now is a very bad sign. He isn't prioritising your emotional needs at all.

I think you need to drum home to him that you need him to acknowledge how upset you are and apologise for what he's done. If he refuses to do that then he's making the decision that your feelings matter less to him than his own. He's showing you who he is. You'll have to decide if that's something you're willing to accept.

Dovesfly · 06/08/2018 08:39

The strip club wouldn't be an issue for me.

Was he messaging these other women as friends or to try & hook up? If hook up then I'm not sure this is the right relationship for you and I'd leave him, if friends then I don't think there is a problem.

AngelsSins · 06/08/2018 08:40

Just because a lot of men go to stripclubs, doesn’t mean women have to accept it! We’re entitled to our own boundaries.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/08/2018 08:44

A stag is meant to be a celebration of an upcoming wedding not a free pass to behave like a dick then refuse point blank to discuss it

Most men i know aren't fussed about strip clubs but will go in a group as they don't really want to be the party pooper (although I think it depends what age you are - I found when they were younger they went more often)

Going to a strip club as part of a group on a stag would bother me but I'd try and get over it as I don't think it's actually wrong and I can see it being difficult to say to a bunch of drunken men that you're not joining them

Getting a private dance would really upset me. Depends on the type of club as to how much eg if they go into a private room, any extras etc but I'd be upset

Refusing to speak about it due to some teenage boy code and hiding actions behind some shitty 'what happens on stag...' catchphrase would probably be a deal breaker to me. You're meant to be honest with a partner - no exceptions. It's like someone saying 'talk to the hand' in an argument, - unhelpful and juvenile at best.

Given you're pregnant I would think he should be trying all he can to reassure you. On top of messaging other girls I think I'd be thinking about whether we had a future and having a serious chat

cleowasmycat · 06/08/2018 08:45

I'd have more of an issue with a partner going to a normal club and dancing with girls. Chances of anything happening with a stripper/lap dancer are very very slim. They are earning money to survive like the rest of us.

Original poster

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 10:36

pill doesn't always work... That's why I said it was a huge surprise 😉

OP posts:

Littlechocola · 06/08/2018 10:40

It wouldn’t bother me but I’m not you.

Original poster

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 10:45

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their thoughts and replies...

The strip club was in Riga, so I dunno about any "extras" etc... Let's hope that wasn't the case...

As for talking to other women... It was mainly exchanging Snapchats and he had met his ex a few times in the past year but says there was nothing to it.. They come from a very small town so maybe it's something to do with the small town syndrome but he had chats with his sister who told him to cop on because am pregnant and I don't know these women... Without his sister telling him this he would have never seen my point of view I think... He is not exchanging snaps with them anymore I think so I said I'll forget about it and move on...

OP posts:

FatTory · 06/08/2018 10:49

You do know lap dancers aren’t hookers right? There’s no contact either. Far less chance of him copping a feel or pulling someone in s lap dancing club than in a nightclub.

Original poster

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 10:53

Lap dancers are not hookers if they don't provide any extras.. If they do - they are hookers.. So I take back my "lap dancers / hooker" statement...

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 06/08/2018 10:57

While I would normally say it's ridiculous to get pissed off over pron/strip clubs/lap dances unless you have explicitly discussed it I don't think that YABU. As an isolated incident its gross but nothing more but within the context of his behaviour you have a real problem. You had a problem when you found out that ye was talking to other women. I suggest you put off moving in together until you have sorted this out, go to counseling if possible. And absolutely do not put yourself in a position where you are dependant on him. Don't give up your work or move into a house that is only in his name without getting married under any circumstances..

Lifeisabeach09 · 06/08/2018 11:27

I don't feel the stripclub is such a big deal, providing he didn't have any extras (I've no idea if this goes on in Riga and I'm not talking about a lapdance).
I do feel him keeping secrets and snapchatting to other women/exes are signs that he is not committed to you.
As PP have said, maintain your independence. Don't move in with him or give up work.

Original poster

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 21:08

Thank you for your kind response... His brother is 21 and was pretty drunk when he said it so I don't think he had any agenda as such or if he did it was for a reason unknown to me..

I was really hurt by the fact he couldn't just tell me what happened and see of we can move on from it and get on with out lives, leaving me wonder wasn't a nice thing to do.. We had a chat and he said he didn't get a lap dance or paid the lap dancer so I guess all I can do is just try and believe him.. It's just a lot to deal with when you're pregnant and together for a year... My heart is telling me to forget about it and think of myself and the baby but my head is telling this is probably not the last time I'll have to deal with stuff like this...

OP posts:

Original poster

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 21:12

My last response was for **Whatssheonaboutagain

OP posts:

AgathaF · 06/08/2018 21:12

I think your head is probably correct. You don't have to accept this stuff though.

Original poster

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 21:20

AgathaF - I wouldn't accept it if it happened again,I know that 100%... Not after feeling like this for a few days...

OP posts:

Mousefunky · 06/08/2018 21:26

He probably did pay for a lap dance else he’d have been honest and upfront about it from the off. Using the ‘brocode’ is pathetic and immature, makes him sound like he’s 18 rather than 30.

I would be more fuming about him contacting exes though especially using snapchat where it will immediately delete and leave no evidence for you to find- dodgy beyond all measures.

I really wouldn’t trust the guy tbh but it’s obviously tricky now a child is involved...

LyndorCake · 06/08/2018 21:39

I know you've 'taken back' your hooker statement, but you know that woman probably has a family, friends, perhaps children? YABVU to use such language when describing someone who just did her job - whether you agree with what she does or not. Also it is not her responsibility to keep your partner in line or check if he had a GF. Your BF is the problem. Did you ever mention your issue with strip clubs to your BF before this?

Original poster

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 21:45

LyndorCake - I think I have more to deal with atm then to sit and think how bad I was for using the wrong word to describe a lap dancer who may or may not be only dancing..

OP posts:

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