Stag and strip club..

[Ills88]

Hi all,

I need some advice please... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and three months ago we found out I'm pregnant. Although it was a huge surprise we were happy with the news and so were our families.. We are both 30 years old so it's all good! :)

Last night we were at a wedding and by the end of the night we were all just sitting and chatting away and my boyfriends brother accidentally mentioned that they visited some strip club 3 months ago while they were on stag.. When we got back to our room I asked what happened as I wanted to know if he got a lap dance etc and he simply refused to answer any questions, just said "what happens on stag stays on stag".. When they got back from the stag he came over to mine, I asked no questions as I felt there was no need and that was actually the night we conceived our baby... If it wasn't for his brother I would have never known about the their visit to that strip club and somehow I regret he didn't keep it quiet... We are meant to be moving in together in 4 weeks time but I just don't know wat to do after this... I just feel really hurt and disappointed, the thought of him getting a lap dance from some hooker is just heartbreaking... Pregnancy hormones probably ain't helping but I can't help feeling so hurt... The first trimester had been really hard not only physically but emotionally too as we live 3 hours away from each other and only meet at the weekends so finding this out had really shaken things up.. About 2 months ago ai found out he has been in constant contact with a few women including his exes so it took us a while to sort that out and move on and just when I thought we did - boom, this happens.. I hope some of you might be able to give me some advice or just your thoughts on this...

IIIs88 I hope you wouldn't accept it again, but do you see that you've set a precedent really? He's shown dubious behaviour with poor boundaries at various times during the 1 year of your relationship. You've let it go each time. It's natural now that he would think that you will continue to do so. What's going to make it any different next time?

Mousefunky a private lap dance would be a deal breaker for me, I know that for sure.. I know it's not the lap dancers fault or anything but honestly I could not physically touch my partner after knowing he has touched a lap dancer... To me that's just dirty and vile... Some women would be ok with it but others (like me) wouldn't be...

When I found out about his exes / Snapchat / etc it was honestly like "wtf" but again, I was already pregnant so kinda had to suck it up cos fighting and screaming wouldn't have been healthy for the baby... I'm hoping that maybe once they all find out am pregnant they will respect the fact and kinda back off?..

AgathaF I completely know what you mean and I do agree with you, maybe he does think he can get away with everything and I'll just let everything go if I find out... If any of my girls came to me and told me their bf behaved like this I would tell them to run but I guess because I thought we communicated well/sorted this out and have so much to look forward to (or did before the whole strip club thing) am still believing there might be a chance we can have a loving and respectful relationship?..

I'm hoping that maybe once they all find out am pregnant they will respect the fact and kinda back off? - it's not for the girls to back off though. He is the one who's doing this, not them. It's him you should be able to trust, irrelevant to whoever is available.

He can meet women anywhere, exs or work colleagues or at the local or..... He needs to have enough respect for you to act appropriately, to maintain boundaries. He hasn't shown that yet, even though this early stage in your relationship should be a honeymoon period.

AgathaF sorry, I should have mentioned that I do blame him for a lot of this, most of it tbh... I was just thinking from my point of view as a woman, if I knew my ex was having a kid etc I would leave him alone out of respect for his partner no matter how fond of him I was... I am not friends with any if my exes (merry Xmas and happy birthday type if thing) but not friends as such...

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy.

Secondly, get shut of the partner. He should be cherishing you, not chatting up exes and other women. You can't trust him, he isn't arsed about being trustworthy what happened on stag" etc.

The strip club is a red herring, he most likely had a lap dance (you know you were unreasonable about the "some hooker" comment, she was doing her job, you need to be angry at your partner, not the dancer here. Please stop using derogatory terms about other women.) If that's beyond your comfort zone then that's absolutely acceptable, but he is telling you loud and clear that he will do as he wishes and it doesn't matter how it makes you feel. You can do better.

StripStripHooray thank you!

I am not angry at the lap dancer, however I am angry at my partner.. I've never had to deal with any of my ex partners going to establishments like that so didn't think through which word to use to be honest... To all those women who are just lap dancers out there - my apologies...

I can see that the majority of people do think he had a private lap dance which makes me even sadder..

I like how you said "he is telling you loud and clear that he will do as he wishes and it doesn't matter how it makes you feel" - the harsh truth ah?..

I was a stripper for a long time, if he hadn't had a dance, you would know, he'd tell you and you'd believe him, he wouldn't have hidden going to a strip club in the first place and he wouldn't have acted suspiciously about it after the fact. He definitely had a dance.

You are pregnant, the chances of you feeling emotional, insecure, unattractive, anxious, over the next few months are large, ditto after the birth when you need more support and love than ever.

Is this a man who is trustworthy? helpful? Faithful? Understanding? Because if you can't trust him to respect you and have your best interests at heart then get shut.

By texting other women, and going into strip clubs and then lying by omission he is proving that he isn't any of the things you need in your life.

I'd be more concerned about his Ex girlfriends tbh, but my DH wouldn't have a lapdance because its not his personality and he's far too frugal to spend money like that. He'd consider it a waste of money.

I wouldn't want my H asking for details of a hen night.

I think this wouldn’t be such an issue for you if you were secure in your relationship. You’re not; he’s been contacting exes and you’ve only been together a very short time. You need to think long and hard about this relationship.

P.s please don’t refer to women who lap dance as “some hooker”, it’s disrespectful to them and to sex workers. Don’t take your anger out on a woman doing her job

Don’t move in with him, this whole things sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Trust is all important in relationships, moreso than love IMO, if you don’t have it you have nothing. He sounds like a dick.

OP - nobody on here knows for a fact that he did or did not have a private dance. It doesn’t matter whether they are ex-strippers, men or women who use these clubs - they were not there and they don’t know.

My DH went on a stag to Riga about 8 years ago. Again, he’s adamant he didn’t have a private dance, but he says the women come up and hustle quite a lot.

What he DID do though, I’m ashamed to say, is contribute to the cost if the stag having a dance. What is even worse, is that I eventually dragged it out if him that the women were hookers in that place and the man getting married did use one if them as a prostitute. AND they all knew this and attended the wedding a few weeks later as if nothing happened. It’s disgusting. This man I have known for 15 years. I can’t exactly tell his wife now can I? I think its a disgrace.

The exes would bother me a lot more than a drunken visit to a strip club. But contact with other women seems to have stopped. What matters is how he behaves now and in the future, constantly revisiting the past is pointless.

It's a pretty disgusting thought and obviously not how you want a partner to act in an ideal world, but think about it, if everyone was going he was unlikely to flounce off home refusing to attend, then once in there they all egg each other on to get a dance etc. As hard as it is, it really doesn't mean anything. I've been in a few (work entertainment purposes, very male dominated industry) and it's really not much different from cage dancers in a night club until your in a private room and even then it's just a bored looking girl shaking boobs and bits for about 2 mins! My partner has had to go to a few (same industry) we even ended up there together once, I really don't care, I'm secure in our relationship and he's very honest ect. Honestly, in your position I'd be much more worried about him texting his ex than a random lap dance abroad?

It sounds like he has issues about how to behave in a relationship, it's a bit off that his sister had to explain contacting ex girlfriends isn't great. I think you need to set some ground rules with him, that he needs to be more honest with you etc but really someone age 30 should know all this by now...

StriStripHooray Thank you for your honest opinion... Since I've never been to any strip clubs I honestly didn't know what to think - is it just the groom that gets a lap dance or do all of them get one... He told me that its a standard thing for English/Irish stags to do this but I know that's not the case, it depends on each group individually..

I am just sad that during my first pregnancy I had to deal with exes / Snapchat shite/lap dancers... We started this relationship full of trust and love and as you said when I need his support and love the most this is what I get..

Thank you again x

Look OP - it depends - where do you draw the line? Before you knew he went - would it have been a deal breaker for you? The pregnancy will probably cloud your judgement now, try to think about outside of the pregnancy - everyone has their limits, you have to figure out yours - some people will be fine with it, some not. It only matters what you think. For me, the ex's contact would be more of an issue, but that's me.

SandyY2K I never asked for any details and never would have cos I trusted him and felt there is no need, I didn't want to find this out.. His brother told me.. I think am extra sensitive about it because I know that when he got back the next night we conceived our baby..

Zadig Disgusting is right... I also feel bad that I know this and can't tell the bride/wouldn't tell the bride as it's not my place to tell.. Maybe she would be OK with it or maybe she would go mad about it, I don't want to find out.. As I said it's not my place to tell, have to deal with my own situation.. When you found out, did it impact your relationship in any way or were you able to move on and just forget about it?

The thing that would always be in the back of my mind is "Was he thinking about some random stripper grinding on him the night before while impregnating me?" That would make me feel absolutely sick.

I agree with some others that he's done it once and you didn't leave and once he has you locked in so to speak living together with a baby he'll think he can do whatever he wants and you'll stay.

shinyredbus Yes, it would have been a deal breaker for me.. Maybe it's the way I was brought up (old school values and manners) but I don't think I could have pretended that in my books getting a lap dance is ok, fair play to women who are ok with it but I know my friends/sister/sister in law wouldn't be one bit fine with something like this and am not either...

As for the exes things - I never knew how much he was talking to them / other girls until I saw his phone (he showed it to me when we were on our holidays) and I saw the amount of snaps they had all exchanged.. Photo after photo after photo and some with "Xx" and all that jazz.. I thought being in a new, exciting relationship would have be enough but maybe it wasn't...

I hate strip clubs they won't let me in! He's not even seeing you every other day and your pregnant?

LeighaJ I couldn't agree with you more... That's exactly what I was thinking... He never texted me / called me while he was away and only now it makes sense why - cos he was just too busy boozing and being entertained by a lap dancer.. Yet I had the food ready for him when he and his brother landed the next night and I couldn't have been nicer or more loving cos I missed him and was just happy to see him..

I honestly do know that if any of the issues happened again I would have the strength to get up, pack my stuff and leave. I have walked away from relationships before so I know am capable of it so he wouldn't get away with it again...

bsbabas Maybe they won't let you in because you are too young? Just judging by your "biology statement" that you need to see someone every other day to become pregnant... Just saying

I'm really not sure why telling the bride is an issue. Why would you even think about doing that? You admit you'd rather not have been told so surely the same applies to her. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.