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Original poster

Stag and strip club..

101 replies

Ills88 · 06/08/2018 00:40

Hi all,

I need some advice please... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and three months ago we found out I'm pregnant. Although it was a huge surprise we were happy with the news and so were our families.. We are both 30 years old so it's all good! :)

Last night we were at a wedding and by the end of the night we were all just sitting and chatting away and my boyfriends brother accidentally mentioned that they visited some strip club 3 months ago while they were on stag.. When we got back to our room I asked what happened as I wanted to know if he got a lap dance etc and he simply refused to answer any questions, just said "what happens on stag stays on stag".. When they got back from the stag he came over to mine, I asked no questions as I felt there was no need and that was actually the night we conceived our baby... If it wasn't for his brother I would have never known about the their visit to that strip club and somehow I regret he didn't keep it quiet... We are meant to be moving in together in 4 weeks time but I just don't know wat to do after this... I just feel really hurt and disappointed, the thought of him getting a lap dance from some hooker is just heartbreaking... Pregnancy hormones probably ain't helping but I can't help feeling so hurt... The first trimester had been really hard not only physically but emotionally too as we live 3 hours away from each other and only meet at the weekends so finding this out had really shaken things up.. About 2 months ago ai found out he has been in constant contact with a few women including his exes so it took us a while to sort that out and move on and just when I thought we did - boom, this happens.. I hope some of you might be able to give me some advice or just your thoughts on this...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ills88 · 07/08/2018 10:07

bluelady I said I wouldn't even think about telling her as it's none of my business. I wouldn't even consider telling her, never ever everrr no matter what...

OP posts:
Bluelady · 07/08/2018 10:14

Well clearly you would consider it because otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it.

Original poster
Ills88 · 07/08/2018 10:15

ManeNachger Thank you for your kind message x I was gonna move near him as I can move my job but he can't (self employed).. Moving near my family would mean he would be 5 hours away from us, seems a bit unfair as he would be able to see the baby maybe one or twice a month, that would break our both hearts..

OP posts:
Zadig · 07/08/2018 10:17

Ills88 - Yes I was very upset and shocked when I found out. The thing is, I’ve been with DH 15 years and he is many things, but a liar is not one if them. I think if he had had a private dance he would have told me. He revealed he’s probably been in about 20 strip clubs over the years - some in stags and some when he was in his 20s and he was a city trader. Apparently then it was the “thing” on a big night out for city bankers (wankers). I said I didn’t believe him that on none if these occasions he didn’t go off for a private dance Hmm. He said, women dance in front of the group and they get up close at times, but no, he’s never gone off one-on-one. So I guess I have to believe him and it’s all retrospective now anyway as we’re in our 40s. It did open up a lot if discussion about porn and general hypocrisy. It is utter hypocrisy because my DH is extremely respectful towards women in the rest of life. We have 2 daughters and he admits he’s been guilty of mental dissociation where these matters are concerned. So I have to see it all in the context of our whole relationship over 15 years.
There is a reason lots of stag packages go to Eastern Europe and it’s not because the drink is cheap. My advice to you would be to find out your DP’s underlying beliefs and his understanding on the sex industry and importantly, porn, as soon as possible. Let him know your boundaries before you go any further.

StripStripHooray · 07/08/2018 10:18

Anyone who wants to have a dance/has money can have a dance, it's literally just about the money. I can't speak for abroad but in the UK the standard base rule is no contact. The story about the stag/prostitute is beyond vile but I heard of it a lot, groups going from the SC straight to a brothel.

You shouldn't have to be dealing with it, op, you are worth more. What you do need to decide is if the relationship can stand it. Are you willing to forgive and forget, but given his attitude towards you, I wouldn't be able to.

Whatever you do, don't move away from your support system go be with/near him. Stay near your family, friends, job, home.

Original poster
Ills88 · 07/08/2018 10:18

bluelady No, unfortunately you are wrong. I clearly understand that it's none of my business.. If I was her I wouldn't want to know. Unnecessary drama. None. Of. My. Business. I rest my case

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 07/08/2018 10:26

Once the baby is here, his name on the birth certificate and your lives entwined, it is so much harder to put the brakes on. You could become dependent or you could move away from your support network and be isolated. This is magnified by promises they make which are easily broken.

Slam the brakes on now. He doesn't cherish you - his behavior regarding contacting his ex is so worrying.

Do not go further down this road without having your head screwed on. Now is the time to be strong, clear and calm.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2018 10:56

Is it the potential lapdance that's an issue? Or the stripping? Because I've been to a couple of hen nights with male strippers and they rub up close to the Hen. It's not my thing at all...but it does seem quite common.

I know someone who walked out of a stagnight on discovering a stripper was coming ..yet this same guy cheats on his OH regularly with girls younger than his DDs.

Your BF needs better boundaries where women are concerned.

Zadig · 07/08/2018 11:23

Many years ago, we went to a wedding up North which was actually called off on the morning of the ceremony. It was meant to be a full Catholic Church service. One of the bridesmaids was dating one of the men who went on the stag and he’d told her the groom went with a stripper / prostitute on the stag, after a few other strippers. She told the bride as she felt she had a right to know and she couldn’t have sat through the service knowing it was a lie.

If that was me, I would have wanted to know too. I still know the woman to this day and she’s not had a second’s regret. She lost all respect and love for him in an instant and that was that. The wedding would have been a charade. Not one person blamed her and they all knew what he had done. She’s with a much better man now.

I know people are keen to point out that lap dances are different to prostitutes, which of course they are, but lap dancers and strippers do facilitate the kind if entitled mentality in men that make paying for sex more likely. It’s the same slippery slope as far as I’m concerned - paying for women. It’s just how far you go.

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 11:31

Ugh zadig what about the bit where your dh contributed to the grooms dance and knew he slept with someone? I’d take a long time to get over that...
don’t move near his family. Moving near your family would be the sensible thing to do because having a baby is hard and let’s be honest, they are going to be there for you and this guy isn’t. He’ll be off messaging other women.

Zadig · 07/08/2018 11:46

Well I’m still disgusted by it, timeisnotaline. It’s the “norm” apparently that the whole stag party chip in for the groom to have a dance, privately or in the group. The strippers will also target the groom. This particular one never returned after he went off for the private dance - they didn’t know where he’d gone and were looking for him. He never directly gave details of what he’d been up to, but they all knew.

The worst thing is, I know his wife would have left him if she’d known because she comes from a country whete there is a huge problem with women being trafficked.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2018 12:37

your dh contributed to the grooms dance

The norm is for the rest of the guys to pay for the strippergram. This strip club business seems to have increased lately...but whether it's a strip club or a strippergram...it's not much difference. The whole lapdancing thing does seem to happen in the clubs though.

My honest opinion is that these places shouldn't exist. As long as the government are happy for businesses where women (and men) strip for money...people will use them.

They aren't legal in every country because of the morality around it.

magoria · 07/08/2018 12:45

Ug what a horrible attitude. What happens on a stag stays on the stag.

You realise he has just informed you without blinking that he will do whatever he feels like on any stag do without giving a shit about you.

How are you going to feel when he goes on the next one? Or the one after.

His attitude would be the deal breaker for me. No respect or consideration for you.

Elderflower78 · 07/08/2018 12:48

He won't change. He's a womanizer. You will never be able to trust him. Ever.

StripStripHooray · 07/08/2018 13:41

I know people are keen to point out that lap dances are different to prostitutes, which of course they are, but lap dancers and strippers do facilitate the kind if entitled mentality in men that make paying for sex more likely. It’s the same slippery slope as far as I’m concerned - paying for women. It’s just how far you go

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

Original poster
Ills88 · 07/08/2018 17:49

zadig If I found these things out 15 years later am sure I wouldn't react the way I reacted now, you have built your life together and it's totally different than the hole am in.. fair play to you tho for not going ape sh** on him..

OP posts:
Original poster
Ills88 · 07/08/2018 17:54

zadig ad for the wedding that was called off... Yes I can see why that happened.. Now that I think about it I probably would want to know too... However in this case, I found out after the wedding and I felt it wasn't my place to go and tell the bride. Since my bf didn't tell me much about what happened I just didn't think I had the right to go and say anything.. But as I said I can see why the wedding you were at was called off!..

OP posts:
Original poster
Ills88 · 07/08/2018 17:56

SandyY2K So it's not just the best man that organises the whole thing / pays for it but the whole group??? Pass me a bucket!....

OP posts:
Original poster
Ills88 · 07/08/2018 17:59

Elderflower78 So am being naive thinking he would change if he had a nice little family waiting on him at home?.. Maybe he'd grow up?.. If and maybe.. 🙄

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/08/2018 18:04

You've picked a bad apple to have a baby with, I am afraid

It's not too late to offload this arrogant prick though

"What goes on stag, stays on stag" ? For that piece alone he would be toast.

AnyFucker · 07/08/2018 18:08

Your last post is naive in the extreme. Inadequate men like this do not change. They are more likely to treat you like shit when you are "waiting on him at home"

In fact....waiting on him at home ? Jesus Christ, I think you might be made for each other after all Hmm

Original poster
Ills88 · 07/08/2018 18:32

AnyFucker I think you misunderstood the waiting at home bit... I meant it as while am on maternity leave not forever and ever!! The first few months of course I'd be at home with our baby and then back to work and all that jazz! Should have maybe said "if he has a family at home" or smth... No need to jump to conclusions...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/08/2018 18:36

The language we use reveals a lot about us

Just like "what goes on stag, stays on stag" does

You would be foolish to hope a man like this will change just because you have a child together. The archives of Mumsnet are littered with the shattered "hope over reality" dreams of women who thought just like that

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 19:41

You are being naive, including in thinking back to work and all that jazz... like that he will do all the pickups, cook a toddler dinner etc. You will be doing it all plus for him and working around him so much harder than if you were a single Mum living near supportive family.

batshitbetty · 07/08/2018 19:50

It's not a big deal, tell him how you feel and then draw a line and move on (congrats on the baby!)