WTF do I do, or is this normal?!

[StressedMum18]

Posting for traffic, and have kept my name change for this.

DD18 has been a nightmare lately (whole different thread). Long story short, she’s due to go to Uni in Sep (A Level results depending). She works part time and takes home £500-£600 per month. Pays no rent, has no outgoings, yet still has no money?!

Anyhow, she’s gone on holiday with her cousin and sister (24 & 16). She didn’t pay for the holiday, her cousin did. It was booked in Jan but surprise surprise she had no spending money to take as she had spent it all.

For as long as I can remember (since starting work) she has had an obsession with buying clothes. Every other day a package arrives from Boohoo/New Look/Miss Guided etc. I’ve spoken to her before about managing finances, but it’s fallen on deaf ears.

Stupidly I decided to tidy their room as they’re away (typical teenager pit). I opened her wardrobe and everything just fell out there was that much in there. I folded and hung it all up and am actually horrified by what she has. 38 Dresses, 16 Pairs of jeans, 14 pairs of trousers, 18 Skirts, 10 Shorts, 11 Coats and 8 hoodies. 40% of this stuff still has tags on (and the dresses all look the bloody same). Some of it was still in the postal packaging with the receipts inside, dating back to 2016. She has over £400 of brand new clothes, and is still buying more at least once a week.

What on Earth do I do? I had a talk with her before she went on holiday as yet another package arrived, and she said she’s not going to change so I need to deal with it. It was really hard, but I actually refused to lend her money for holiday out of principal, and I’ve refused to buy her a ticket for a festival even though they’ve nearly sold out (she said she would pay me back on pay day)

I just don’t get it. I don’t splash money around. She knows I save for things I want, and that life isn’t free. I get that it’s her money, but I’m so scared she will get her student loan and blow it on more flipping clothes and then not be able to pay for her accommodation.

Has she got a problem, or is this normal teenage behaviour?!

I would say normal honestly.

Some people do like the thrill of spending (recklessly) whether they have money or not.

Is your daughter going to fly off the handle because you've been in her room, or will she accept you tidied it?

I would put everything unopened to one side, go through it with her when shes home,, see what can be returned and refunded and then flog the rest on ebay.

That's not completely normal, no. It is pretty normal for teens to be not great at managing their money and to spend it on immediate wants, then not have enough left for other things such as the holiday spending or festival ticket. But spending on clothes at that level, especially having things she's not even worn, is not normal. Sounds like hoarding to me.

You need to make it really clear to her that you will not be bailing her out when she goes off to uni, and that she needs to make sure she can pay her bills. Other than that, she'll have to learn the hard way about what she decides to spend her money on.

Sounds pretty normal to me. Why aren't you charging her some dig money though?

Well, she told you to do deal with it, so do. Start charging her for food and rent and she won’t have so much spending money

I would suggest you talk to her and say as she has a problem can you loòk after the accommodation part.of her loan?

She's 18. You do nothing! Don't lend her money. Let her sort her own finances out. You've offered guidance, you can't do anything else other than fund her lifestyle for her.

I don’t think this is normal tbh. I think it’s unfortunately common but certainly not behaviour to be encouraged. I’d probably be giving her a massive lecture on consumer culture and the evils of disposable fashion if she were my daughter. Next time she asks your for money, offer to help her photograph some of her clothes to sell on eBay or Facebook.

🤔 I’d be worried. What happens when she goes to Uni and can not afford to buy food? Will she be expecting you to bail her out then? I think she needs seriously consider her behaviour as making ends meet on a student loan is extremely tough, even if you budget carefully. I think you need to have a frank conversation with her about this. She’s going to have to change her behaviour, whatever she says, at uni.

I think it's normal for teenagers not to really understand the meaning of money unfortunately. I think this example is particularly worrying though as she is earning enough money to be able to pay some rent, go out, buy one or two items of clothing each month and put a few savings away for holidays. Is she managing to spent £600 a month on clothes alone? I would be concerned.

People often get addicted to clothes buying/retail 'therapy' as a link to other issues, is there something else she's dealing with?

I'd consider charging her rent as a way of showing her what grown ups have to think about. Split it down into rent, food, heating etc so she can understand where it's going.

There must be some material/website she can access that give her advice about her addiction too? She won't listen to you but might benefit from reading about someone else's story?

Not normal. She has no clue about the value of money. You need to teach her.

Start charging her rent?

Save it to one side for uni emergencies.

Don't tell her that is what you are doing though.

why aren't you charging her some dig money though?

Because she's 18, just left school, child allowance will be paid until September?

You don't charge school children rent.

Once she's at uni, (hopefully) paying her own bills and feeding herself, this will stop sharpish after she finds herself living on Asda 12p noodles for a while. Don't bail her out or subsidise her socialising she'll learn. I understand why you'd bit charging her rent if she's off to uni soon, just make sure she knows you won't be subsidising her there either

Not normal. It's an obsession but I can't remember the name for it. At least she'll have enough clothes for when she goes to uni.

I think she's bad with money and it's up to you to start not subbing her. As pp said at least start her on ebaying unworn items & returning tagged stuff. If you put your foot down & do it with her, maybe she will realise buying same thing over n over is pointless/causing the money prob. If she values quantity over quality direct her to Amazon for basics :many high St stores have end of line stock on there & non high st basics like strappy t shirts are £2-£5. Money management is a life skill she needs.

She can also return some of the clothes and eBay the rest if she is strapped for cash

I wouldn't say this is normal. I worked through year 11 and college (15-18) then went off to uni. I made about £80 a week so £320 a month working in a pub. Yes I spent most of what I earned but I would say of the £80 a week it was like:
£40 going out at weekend
£20 savings towards holiday
£20 treats for myself

And the £20 savings would go towards my 2 holidays a year I went on which probably cost £1200 in total. I'm 22 so this was 4 years ago.

Teenagers spend a lot but she should be saving to pay for her own holidays, spending money, nights out etc.

The thrill of buying and opening a new package actually creates endorphins and can become addictive. A teenager may be more susceptible. I learnt this as my sister was rather like your daughter only probably worse. She started with clothes and then when she got her own place she ended up bankrupt by 20. Stop subbing her. Start charging rent and food allowance and help her learn to manage it

She's clearly one of those silly girls that needs six months of eating tinned beans to knock done sense into her. You are doing the right thing by not helping her out. She needs to learn the hard way.

No this is NOT normal. I am very worried people think it is.

I work with teenagers and have two of my own. This is very worrying behaviour and needs to be addressed prior to uni. You need to make it very clear what your financial commitments to her will be.

It sounds as if she enjoys the thrill of acquisition more than actually wearing the things she has acquired. I don’t think this is too oughnis she is spending all her money, that is a problem, or will become one in the future.

When she gets home from the holiday, I would sit her down and have a serious talk with her - maybe tell her how much she has spent on clothes that haven’t even come out of the packaging, and how many of each thing she has, in the hope that this may be the wake up call she needs.

I would tell her that there will be no more bailing her out when/if she runs out of money but that you will help her to return items that’s are still within the refund period, and eBay some of the rest, to bring the hoard down to a more sensible size and free up some capital.

But if she doesn’t want to do this, she has to accept that she needs to control her finances from now on - she isn’t going to need any new clothes for some time, even if she wants them, and when she goes to Uni, there are going to be other expenses she will have to prioritise - rent, food and travel.

Would she be open to the idea of you helping her set up a budget that tracks her income and student loan money, her term dates, her rent, and a sum each week for food, travel and fun - we did that with each of our dses before they went off to university’s, and they have, by and large, not done too badly.

We did end up bailing them out a bit - both ds2 and ds3 needed an advance on their money from us, because they had miscalculated, and had cash flow problems, and we were OK with that - they were trying to keep a handle on their finances, and we didn’t expect them to get it right all of the time. I feel we had known that they were wasting money, and ending up in financial trouble because of it, we might not have been so understanding or willing to bail them out.

Of course it’s normal. She’s 18 and she’s bad at managing money. She hasn’t by the sounds of it had to miss out on anything as a result. Once she does, her mindset will change.

It sounds like she needs to start selling some of that on ebay, especially the stuff she's bought that still has labels on it.

It's not normal behaviour, I'd be horrified if my dd did that.

DS is currently without his car as he didn't save anything towards the insurance. He is now chucking every penny of his wages to get it together and will still be another month or so before he's got it all. He's not happy about asking for lifts again but its a lesson learnt the hard way.