WTF do I do, or is this normal?!

[StressedMum18]

Posting for traffic, and have kept my name change for this.

DD18 has been a nightmare lately (whole different thread). Long story short, she’s due to go to Uni in Sep (A Level results depending). She works part time and takes home £500-£600 per month. Pays no rent, has no outgoings, yet still has no money?!

Anyhow, she’s gone on holiday with her cousin and sister (24 & 16). She didn’t pay for the holiday, her cousin did. It was booked in Jan but surprise surprise she had no spending money to take as she had spent it all.

For as long as I can remember (since starting work) she has had an obsession with buying clothes. Every other day a package arrives from Boohoo/New Look/Miss Guided etc. I’ve spoken to her before about managing finances, but it’s fallen on deaf ears.

Stupidly I decided to tidy their room as they’re away (typical teenager pit). I opened her wardrobe and everything just fell out there was that much in there. I folded and hung it all up and am actually horrified by what she has. 38 Dresses, 16 Pairs of jeans, 14 pairs of trousers, 18 Skirts, 10 Shorts, 11 Coats and 8 hoodies. 40% of this stuff still has tags on (and the dresses all look the bloody same). Some of it was still in the postal packaging with the receipts inside, dating back to 2016. She has over £400 of brand new clothes, and is still buying more at least once a week.

What on Earth do I do? I had a talk with her before she went on holiday as yet another package arrived, and she said she’s not going to change so I need to deal with it. It was really hard, but I actually refused to lend her money for holiday out of principal, and I’ve refused to buy her a ticket for a festival even though they’ve nearly sold out (she said she would pay me back on pay day)

I just don’t get it. I don’t splash money around. She knows I save for things I want, and that life isn’t free. I get that it’s her money, but I’m so scared she will get her student loan and blow it on more flipping clothes and then not be able to pay for her accommodation.

Has she got a problem, or is this normal teenage behaviour?!

Charge her rent and save it for her - she's not coping with budgeting

@batshitbetty

Totally in agreement.

Teaching a child the responsibilities of spending money when they start earning is exactly what you should do.
Even if you didn’t keep the money yourself but just kept it aside for her, when she shows interest in a certain expensive item you could then tell her she can afford It as you have saved her digs money.

As she has expressed that she won’t change then I suggest you start charging rent and flog all the unworn clothes on eBay.
Keep the money aside for when she gets in financial trouble at Uni.

So if she's now turning to close family for loans, it sounds like they need to be aware of the situation too. When you sit down for the talk, you'll have to tell her that. She won't like it because that will make it real.

Soory but your DD has a problem here which needs sorting before she goes to Uni.
My DS likes to spend - not a huge amount on clothes but he likes fine foods and good restaurants. He used up all his savings in his 1st year at Uni and we told him we wouldn't increase his allowance. As a result he is now having to work a minimum wage job 45 hrs a week through the summer break as he wants to have a few luxuries next year. He won't be having a holiday this year as he can't afford it (he had 2 expensive short breaks last year). He is hoping he may get a city break abroad somewhere when he goes back to Uni - after he's earned £3k to supplement his student income! Big life lesson learned for DS.

It's normal. She's discovered that she has money and wants to rush out and spend it straight away. That's what teenagers do and unless there are consequences, she'll continue to do that. You need to make sure, absolutely 100% certain that under no circumstance you give her money for anything. The response is "You earn money, you don't pay rent and if you want this then you'll have to spend your money on it." She SHOULD be paying some kind of rent, btw. You're not doing her any favours if you don't start making her financially responsible. She will never learn as long as she's allowed to get away with it.

If she needs money for stuff she needs to sell some of those new things, it's pretty easy these days. Don't give her any money and ask the rest of the family not to give her any. She has an easy way to make more if she needs it (for things other than buying more of course).

It's not normal - I don't know people can think it is. Yes, teens can be a bit cluelss with money, but this is just stupid.
Please don't bail her out - the sooner she learns to manage money the better. Dd had a friend like this, from first pay packet recklessly overspending on clothes and makeup etc., parents endlessly bailing her out - she ended up with over £30k of cc debt in her 30s - probably still has for all I know.

Totally not normal - I can't believe there are those who say it is!

She is obsessively collecting things that she doesn't even use - it sounds like she is addicted to purchasing clothing. Sure there are plenty of people who can't manage their money well or budget, and plenty without the self-discipline to control their spending, but she is not even using the items she is purchasing.

It is very strange and you are right to be worried.

It sounds very much like she has low self esteem. The spending, attention seeking, inability to take criticism, all resonates with me. It's pretty important that the impact of low self esteem isn't underestimated. I've had depression on and off for 20 years as a result and it's caused me a lot of relationship issues. You should try to get her some help op, if you're able to.

This is not normal behaviour and I'd be seriously worried about her being able to manage her finances once she is living out as a student.

I don't know what to advise, but she clearly needs some kind of intervention to bring an end to this shopping addiction.

Totally not normal - I can't believe there are those who say it is!

^ This

I don't think it's completely normal, I had quite an obsession with clothes and still do tbh but I still manage to not blow all my money on them. I don't think it's normal to buy loads of stuff and not wear it either. I think you 100% did the right thing. 2 of my family members had serious spending problems. Both are mid twenties now and only moved out recently. One is finally on a debt repayment plan after mum repeatedly bailed him out and the other is still crap with money after his parents use to take his wages and budget for him. She needs to learn this stuff so by bailing her out you are only prolonging the process.

Start charging her rent and tell her to pay bills. She needs a look at what reality is.

And don't give her spending money or buy her anything again until she learns. She doesn't care and she expects you to buy her what she can't. Stop being a mug.

This is why money/financial management needs to be on the curriculum. Those claiming this is “normal” are right because children aren’t taught how to budget etc. When they enter adulthood and have to start paying rent and food etc it’s a huge shock!

Crazy that one of THE most important subjects in life is left to chance.

I wish my parents were stricter with me in teaching me how to budget etc rather than me borrow and pay you back later. Translates to buy now, pay later credit card culture.

I can understand the initial urge to splurge that comes with the first payslip, but OP says that some of the unopened and unwornclothes have receipts going back to 2016. It sounds as though this has been building for quite some time, and is very concerning.

One problem is that a person can apoear to comply with budgeting advice, but at the same time be going for payday loans, bank loans, credit cards, in order to avoid changing their habits.

It can become a nightmare situation for the family of the spendaholic. With hindsight, I can see that professional input might have helped my family member sooner, but their relentless deceit and manipulation eventually had a sad outcome and now very very low contact.