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Original poster

WTF do I do, or is this normal?!

90 replies

StressedMum18 · 05/08/2018 17:38

Posting for traffic, and have kept my name change for this.

DD18 has been a nightmare lately (whole different thread). Long story short, she’s due to go to Uni in Sep (A Level results depending). She works part time and takes home £500-£600 per month. Pays no rent, has no outgoings, yet still has no money?!

Anyhow, she’s gone on holiday with her cousin and sister (24 & 16). She didn’t pay for the holiday, her cousin did. It was booked in Jan but surprise surprise she had no spending money to take as she had spent it all.

For as long as I can remember (since starting work) she has had an obsession with buying clothes. Every other day a package arrives from Boohoo/New Look/Miss Guided etc. I’ve spoken to her before about managing finances, but it’s fallen on deaf ears.

Stupidly I decided to tidy their room as they’re away (typical teenager pit). I opened her wardrobe and everything just fell out there was that much in there. I folded and hung it all up and am actually horrified by what she has. 38 Dresses, 16 Pairs of jeans, 14 pairs of trousers, 18 Skirts, 10 Shorts, 11 Coats and 8 hoodies. 40% of this stuff still has tags on (and the dresses all look the bloody same). Some of it was still in the postal packaging with the receipts inside, dating back to 2016. She has over £400 of brand new clothes, and is still buying more at least once a week.

What on Earth do I do? I had a talk with her before she went on holiday as yet another package arrived, and she said she’s not going to change so I need to deal with it. It was really hard, but I actually refused to lend her money for holiday out of principal, and I’ve refused to buy her a ticket for a festival even though they’ve nearly sold out (she said she would pay me back on pay day)

I just don’t get it. I don’t splash money around. She knows I save for things I want, and that life isn’t free. I get that it’s her money, but I’m so scared she will get her student loan and blow it on more flipping clothes and then not be able to pay for her accommodation.

Has she got a problem, or is this normal teenage behaviour?!

OP posts:
jemihap · 05/08/2018 18:57

Sounds like my mother, only my mother is much worse... only on state pension, constantly pleading poverty when it comes to paying bills or any other financial outlays, yet has 6 double wardrobes rammed full of clothes, most still have their labels on and never been worn.

At the last count me and dsis got to 90 pairs of shoes stashed around the house in various places, before giving up counting.

She sends about 1 FULL bin bag of clothes a month off to charity shops, just so she can make room for more clothes that she never even wears.

Oh and she's 70 this year , so it's definitely not just a teenager thing!

WhentheDealGoesDown · 05/08/2018 19:02

You mentioned a package had arrived recently, that could probably go back I would make her send back anything that arrived recently.

Aridane · 05/08/2018 19:05

No, not normal. If she was actually wearing the stuff, yes, youthful exuberant spending on fashion -: but buying and not even unpacking?

hotfroth · 05/08/2018 19:07

Not normal, sorry, and she needs a massive wake-up call.

Mine is 19 and earns a similar amount to yours. She is currently saving hard as she starts driving lessons soon and wants to go travelling abroad next year.

We were out as a family today, and we went to a coffee shop. She paid.

This year she has paid for festival and concert tickets, her nights out with friends, train fares etc all out of her earnings, and a week or so ago she asked me to take her to the shops as she needed new clothes. She spent about £90. And that was the first time she's had a proper shop for clothes since her birthday in the spring. Half of what she bought was clothes for work, the remainder to replace worn-out shoes and jeans.

Her only real weakness is earrings, but then they only cost a few quid anyway and she buys about a dozen pairs a year.

diddl · 05/08/2018 19:16

Perhaps add up the cost off stuff still packed & with tags that she doesn't intend to wear to show her that she could have paid for her holiday/had spending money?

Ask her how much she thinks rent/bills at Uni will cost & how she will afford it.

If she won't change, she will be the one dealing with it!

supersop60 · 05/08/2018 19:23

No, not normal. She has a problem that needs addressing- and it;s not a budgeting problem, it's emotional.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/08/2018 19:26

There’s a saying that goes around in the financial world that says ‘If you are going to fail, fail young’. This means that the best time to bottom out financially is when you are young and the stakes are much lower. Credit limits, available loans, and other things Have lower limits and are less available than when there is a steady stream of income.

Most likely she’ll trash her credit early and spend some painful years later as she’s maturing paying things off and rebuilding credit. While that’s not ideal, it also not catastrophic.

PatriciaBateman · 05/08/2018 19:27

I had this problem for a while in my early 20s - right down to the unopened packages and clothes with tags etc. When I did eventually get to opening and sorting the stuff, I even found that I'd bought the same item more than once by mistake a few times.

I think it was a kind of mindless escapism - shopping for the person I wanted to be, a new life I wanted to have. Then I never utilised the stuff because I never that person.

Pinterest cured me in the end. I now keep multiple collections of "shopping" that I never actually have to buy. I still get pleasure from browsing and thinking about it, and the collections online feel just as good as physically having them (better, because they are not degenerating or sitting as a visual reminder of waste). I think it's something to do with the thrill of potential.

cheeseoverchocolate · 05/08/2018 19:28

Have only got to half way through the thread so apologies if that has already been said.

Tell her that to fund her holiday she will either have to work more hours or sell some clothes. Otherwise it looks like she won't be able to afford to go.

EdisonLightBulb · 05/08/2018 19:29

I don't think it's normal either and I've two in their twentys now.

I can see her getting student loan on the 20th September and having spent it by the middle of October.

Unless she llearns the value of money soon she will end up like my friends, now 52, no pension, loads of debts no chance of paying off the (interest onlly) mortar, but hey she can go long haul for her holidays and look wealthy on Facebook.

thecatsarecrazy · 05/08/2018 19:34

Well u don't lend her any money and if she wants any she can ebay her clothes

confusedmomm · 05/08/2018 19:35

She's 18 and enjoying the novelty of having money to spend. This will change when she gets to university and has to learn to budget.
*
This ^^*

WowLookAtYou · 05/08/2018 19:38

This will change when she gets to university and has to learn to budget.

No, not "^^this!" They're no more likely to budget at University than anywhere else. If anything, it's a green light to spend their maintenance budget like water, max out their student overdraft in the first term and then come crying to you that they're "beyond stressed" about money.

IceCreamFace · 05/08/2018 19:39

I agree with PP this isn't normal sounds like she's addicted to spending. I would definitely be a bit concerned about this especially as she'll be of to uni. Do you think it will sort itself out when she goes to uni or will she spend all her loan in a week and need bailing out (or be forced to drop out).

confusedmomm · 05/08/2018 19:45

Been there too and I was just as bad and sorted myself out at uni. Depends on the person I guess but I didn't have access to any loan or maintenance (had lived abroad for the 3 years before uni) and not living at home / having to pay rent etc got my head back on track.

batshitbetty · 05/08/2018 19:45

This is why I struggle when parents don't require working adults children for any form of contribution to living expenses - they get too used to splashing the cash and are being set up for a massive fall when they have to manage their own money

greendale17 · 05/08/2018 19:46

This is not normal

Starbucksbasic123 · 05/08/2018 19:48

I was exactly the same until I moved out and realised that I needed money for bills not topshop. I would encourage her to eBay or donate the unworn clothes to a women’s refuge and charge her a peppercorn rent

Original poster
StressedMum18 · 05/08/2018 19:51

I agree with the posters who’ve mentioned emotional spending. I know she’s stressed about exam results.

I know all teenager she have their insecurities, and she evidently has hers. Goodness knows why. She’s tall, blonde, size 8, boobs that most of us would pay for, and she’s stunning (not being biased here). She does, however, have a constant need for attention. She posts photos that she shouldn’t (not nude, but may as well be), just to get the ‘likes’.

One of my employees suddenly passed away on Thursday. He was young with a family, she’d met him twice. Within 5 minutes of me telling her, she had written an attention seeking post on social media and told everyone about it. That actually really annoyed me. Everything she does right now is to gain some kind of attention. I’m going away from the initial point here, but I do think there’s so much more going on and she needs help.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 05/08/2018 19:51

newyear
Because she's 18, just left school, child allowance will be paid until September?
You don't charge school children rent

She's 18 and working part time, she's not a school child for goodness sake. Hmm

Moody123 · 05/08/2018 19:52

It sounds normal to me, charge her rent and save 50% for her x

Moody123 · 05/08/2018 19:53

I had to pay 1/3 of my wage when I was at home and earning, (at 16) but when I moved out I was used to budgeting ect ...

seasidelife · 05/08/2018 19:59

I was like that as a teenager, I got myself in to endless trouble with ordering from catalogues and endless shopping trips, buying god knows what. I have since been diagnosed with OCD which I'm not saying is the case here at all but I would get very hostile when anyone criticised my behaviour and my obsessions have changed over the years but they feel like I need them to survive, it isn't logical or rational and definitely doesn't make sense to most people. My therapists have all said its about control, it's definitely manageable when you become aware of your own behaviour patterns. I definitely didn't understand what the money or the spending really meant, my parents never told me about real life budgeting, I never knew how much any household bills cost or how much money you needed to spend on food, they always believed that was private and non of my business.

donquixotedelamancha · 05/08/2018 20:30

Because she's 18, just left school, child allowance will be paid until September? You don't charge school children rent

Of course you charge an 18 YO, with a first job, rent. You do it for exactly the reasons illustrated by the OP. They need to learn to budget realistically, or they may fail to do so when they really need to (when they move out). You'll give them that rent towards their first house deposit, but they don't know that.

You also teach your kid to cook, do chores, maintain a car, a bit of DIY and most importantly teach them to save money; because this is the stuff they need to know. If they are under your roof there are still some rules, even if they are mostly an independent adult.

MissCharleyP · 05/08/2018 20:33

It depends (IMO) on what happened when she was younger. I grew up wearing 2nd hand (not everything) while most of my schoolmates had new outfits/designer trainers/branded school bags. I got some really nasty comments as I wore the same jumper on two consecutive non-uniform days (it was my favourite - a Benetton one that my mum got in the sale). I was always told ‘no’ or “you don’t NEED x/y/z”. When I started work, I just constantly bought new stuff and haven’t really stopped! Even though I’m now married, my mum will still make snarky comments like ‘don’t you have a top like that already’ and it feels SO good to shrug and say ‘yeah, but I wanted this one.’ Not saying this is your scenario but I easily identify with it and that I see my reason for buying exactly what I want, regardless of whether I need it.