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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WTF do I do, or is this normal?!

90 replies

StressedMum18 · 05/08/2018 17:38

Posting for traffic, and have kept my name change for this.

DD18 has been a nightmare lately (whole different thread). Long story short, she’s due to go to Uni in Sep (A Level results depending). She works part time and takes home £500-£600 per month. Pays no rent, has no outgoings, yet still has no money?!

Anyhow, she’s gone on holiday with her cousin and sister (24 & 16). She didn’t pay for the holiday, her cousin did. It was booked in Jan but surprise surprise she had no spending money to take as she had spent it all.

For as long as I can remember (since starting work) she has had an obsession with buying clothes. Every other day a package arrives from Boohoo/New Look/Miss Guided etc. I’ve spoken to her before about managing finances, but it’s fallen on deaf ears.

Stupidly I decided to tidy their room as they’re away (typical teenager pit). I opened her wardrobe and everything just fell out there was that much in there. I folded and hung it all up and am actually horrified by what she has. 38 Dresses, 16 Pairs of jeans, 14 pairs of trousers, 18 Skirts, 10 Shorts, 11 Coats and 8 hoodies. 40% of this stuff still has tags on (and the dresses all look the bloody same). Some of it was still in the postal packaging with the receipts inside, dating back to 2016. She has over £400 of brand new clothes, and is still buying more at least once a week.

What on Earth do I do? I had a talk with her before she went on holiday as yet another package arrived, and she said she’s not going to change so I need to deal with it. It was really hard, but I actually refused to lend her money for holiday out of principal, and I’ve refused to buy her a ticket for a festival even though they’ve nearly sold out (she said she would pay me back on pay day)

I just don’t get it. I don’t splash money around. She knows I save for things I want, and that life isn’t free. I get that it’s her money, but I’m so scared she will get her student loan and blow it on more flipping clothes and then not be able to pay for her accommodation.

Has she got a problem, or is this normal teenage behaviour?!

OP posts:

Lellikelly26 · 05/08/2018 18:12

Reading this I think I must have a problem with clothes. I can’t shut my wardrobe, use my husbands too, have some in the loft. I probably have more than enough to open a boutique. Maybe I need some help 😆

HeebieJeebies456 · 05/08/2018 18:19

Well it's not like you've gave her any financial responsibility re digs/housekeeping and you keep bailing her out.

So who gave her spending money to go on a free holiday?
Are you expected to provide her with spends/pay rent for when she's at uni/driving lessons etc?

If you want her to behave in a more responsible manner then you need to treat her like an adult.

Funnyface1 · 05/08/2018 18:24

It's normal for an 18 year old to be a bit crap with money, but this sounds excessive. Before she finds herself away at uni eating 12p Asda noodles she'll end up with payday loans and credit cards. Help her sort it out now op.

Btw, when I was 16 I was doing a full time working apprenticeship. I was paid £60 a week. £15 went on bus fare and I paid £15 to my mum for my board. It teaches you about money.

WowLookAtYou · 05/08/2018 18:25

No, this is NOT normal. My dd is about to turn 20 and likes clothes and likes to spend. That in itself is normal. But what you're describing crosses a line.
Do not bail her out. She won't learn that way. We've had to do a bit of tough love in the last few years, but it's now paying off.

Rarfy · 05/08/2018 18:25

I would try to help in some way. This could easily cross over to credit cards / debt which can be debilitating when you have spiralled so far down the rabbit hole.

I speak from bitter experience and am currently on a DMP for all the 'thoughtless' spending i did in my past. I have nothing to show for it either.

MKroundabout · 05/08/2018 18:27

Is she buying stuff, not liking it and not sending it back?

Go through it with her see if there is anything to send back.

If not, and she doesn't want it, get her to list it on eBay or buy it off her and list it yourself.

ShawshanksRedemption · 05/08/2018 18:30

DD18 has been a nightmare lately
Some of it was still in the postal packaging with the receipts inside, dating back to 2016. She has over £400 of brand new clothes, and is still buying more at least once a week.
she said she’s not going to change so I need to deal with it

She is buying things because it makes her feel good for a bit but then doesn't wear them. My worry is that this will continue and she may get into debt because of it. You need to talk to her from that angle as I'm not convinced she'll stop just because she has no money. Whatever is causing her behaviour needs to be addressed so she doesn't feel good just because she buys clothes, but because she is an important and valued human being.

sue51 · 05/08/2018 18:30

She's 18 and enjoying the novelty of having money to spend. This will change when she gets to university and has to learn to budget.

GinUnicorn · 05/08/2018 18:30

I’d say tackle it now. My SIL is almost 40 and still needs “mummy”
Or DP to bail her out of overspending constantly. Don’t enable!

LakieLady · 05/08/2018 18:30

I think buying on that scale is beyond normal extravagance, tbh.

I'd try and have a calm discussion with her about budgetting. Explain that by the time she's paid rent, bills and fares, bought books and food, she won't have much left to spend on going out and clothes.

Actually show her some figures, eg £100 pw rent, £40 food/toiletries, £15 bills, £20 fares/taxis, at least £150 a term on books. Explain that her student loan will nowhere near cover it and that she'll have to work out how much a week she has spare and not overspend, or she'll be very hungry by the end of term. And make it clear that you won't be in a position to bail her out.

Everyoneiswingingit · 05/08/2018 18:33

I have a 17 yr old.doing A levels. She works part time earning between £250-£500 pm. She pays for most things herself. She buys her own clothes too but returns most stuff she orders online albeit at the last minute and often gets me to do it as it's so last minute and she can't drive yet.She saved for a macbook, pays for her driving lessons and gigs etc. I think your DD sounds out of control and like she has a bit of a problem brewing. I think you have done the right thing not to fund her.

ShawshanksRedemption · 05/08/2018 18:34

@sue51 Did you miss this bit?

Some of it was still in the postal packaging with the receipts inside, dating back to 2016.

I don't think it's a novelty anymore.

chocatoo · 05/08/2018 18:34

If she is earning that much she should be contributing towards living expenses. I would charge a nominal rent. Her level of expenditure is not normal. It is up to you to teach her how to budget.

mineisarossini · 05/08/2018 18:34

I don't think this is normal at all, sounds like a shopping addiction and un less she gets a handle on her click and buy it will ruin her financially.

I would be asking her to sell it all on ebay and charge her for rent and food, and limit the shopping deliveries to once a month and then everything has to be sent back that doesn't suit/fit immediately, she only keeps the thing(s) that she absolutely needs and can not do without, she may need some proper help from you or a professional with this problem.

Everyoneiswingingit · 05/08/2018 18:35

I had a friend whose MIL used to do the buying and not returning or wearing thing. They found bags and bags stuffed in a cupboard with receipts and tags still on. She had to have therapy. It was an addiction to the feel good feeling of buying. Nip it in the bud.

Shambu · 05/08/2018 18:42

You have a good talk with her about compulsive shopping, and managing money in an adult way. And then you charge her for rent and utilities.

Original poster

StressedMum18 · 05/08/2018 18:44

Thanks for all the replies so far.

To answer a couple of questions:

I’ve not charged her rent yet as she’s just finished her A Levels and is going to Uni in a month. If she decided not to go, she’s fully aware that she will be paying rent whilst she’s here.

Nothing I’ve found can be returned unfortunately as it’s so old.

We do need to have a proper sit down and conversation. I know that. The problem is she’s just receptive to any constructive criticism, or anything that says she’s in the wrong. I have stopped bailing her out, because I want her to learn. She then asks others for money until payday.

I do believe she genuinely has a problem with shopping, and I’m worried that this will manifest at Uni. All the student accounts give a £1000 min overdraft. Not to mention the lure of credit cards.

I really want to help her, I’m just not sure the best way of doing it....

OP posts:

Shambu · 05/08/2018 18:44

A piece of research I saw found that women felt more attracive when they've just bought new clothing or makeup, irrespective of whether they wore them or not. (New tattoos too).

She may have feelings of low self esteem and lacks confidence in her appearance. That would be something to address.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 05/08/2018 18:45

I read over and over again on Style and Beauty things like " I've just ordered £250 worth of clothes on the Boden sale but most of its going back " and that kind of buying saddens and pisses me off in equal measure.

It's just buying for buying sake , the thrill of the chase but not wanting the end result. And some poor soul has to process and repack the clothes to see if they can resell.

Online shopping is way easier than physically going to the shops and carrying it home.

YY to sell on eBay and hopefully she won't get a credit card !

Shambu · 05/08/2018 18:45

I'm sure there are books on shopping addiction, perhaps you could get a couple.

Di11y · 05/08/2018 18:47

For the holiday can you collect the tagged clothes and go with her to return them? Assume she might get credit for most but some may be cash.

Shambu · 05/08/2018 18:48

List of shopping addiction books

123time · 05/08/2018 18:49

I would say the amount of clothes is normal, I have more than this. But the fact that she is buying something new every day to the extent that she has absolutely no money left is concerning.

Perhaps you could suggest she looks in to getting a Monzo card? There is an app that goes along with it and you can budget money in to different sections so eating out, shopping, entertainment etc

Bluelady · 05/08/2018 18:51

This sounds like emotional spending to me. I recognise it because both I and one of my friends have done this at particularly difficult points in our lives. Both of us stopped when things became more settled and less traumatic. Is she worried about leaving home? Scared she won't keep up academically? Afraid she won't make friends? All those things are worth exploring gently with her. All those new clothes are symptomatic of something deeper.

Shambu · 05/08/2018 18:52

That amount of clothes is not normal for an 18 year old.

A friend of mine, who when were 18 had a private income of £40,000 a year and liked her clothes, didn't have anything like that. Mind you hers were very expensive designer stuff.

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