to ground DS15 for the rest of the summer

[dolphinterritory]

Got into an argument with DS and he told me to "fuck off".

Not impressed at all, absolutely will not accept this, so have told him he is grounded for the rest of the summer - not to go out and see mates, no parties etc. He will only be socialising with us and family/family friends if I see fit.

DH thinks this is unreasonable. AIBU and if so what sort of punishment would you think is reasonable?

Cool down phase can be quite long in our house when the Kevin fully activates. Stop poking at it and leave him to get better and realise the error of his ways. In the meantime basic rations and minimal interaction (I consulted my very own Kevin for ref - she did ask if you have a backup DS if this one is beyond redemption )

@Gardenpicnic No absolutely not! Even 24 hours later I’m still shocked she thought that was ok to say

sorry to hear he's still being vile to you. I don't have teens so dont claim to be experienced but id just ignore him now. I'd be angry at the disrespect so would be doing fuck all for him in the meantime

Well.
The answer re the 15 year old girlfriend staying over is a flat no.
Swearing, no phone for 24 hrs.

I think you've done the right thing now OP. It's important you and your DH are united. Of course your ds doesn't like it but that's tough. Parenting means making unpopular decisions sometimes but you are right to insist on an apology.

Until you get one, no lifts, no favours, no sleepovers. He needs to show respect first.

I wouldn’t worry too much about backtracking - dh is the one in our house to issue ridiculously over the top punishments - kids say they wait till I get involved and sort things out. Ds told me to fuck off when he was 13, it really made me question what was going wrong in our relationship and realise that I needed to change how I was dealing with him - no punishment from me - I knew it was words spoken in frustration and anger, I knew it was a reaction to our argument and we spoke about it the next day. I also learned not to fan the flames of teenager anger - retreat and visit the issue when everyone calms down always works better.

If you take away everything, there's nothing worth behaving for or bargaining with if he does something else wrong.
Better to use logical consequences. So , telling you to fuck off hurt your feelings. So he does a chore to make up for it. I get mine to do hoovering and other jobs I hate!

Good news all - he has finally apologised

Do you think that means he’s actually sorry or just that he has realised he has to say sorry to get his privileges back?

I'm pretty shocked at how many kids swear at their parents. Not sure what sort of punishment is right tho. Glad he apologised

Well he came up to me of his own accord and said “sorry mum I’ve been a twat” and then we had a chat about it and I explained my point of view about GF in his room. He still was saying he wanted her to stay in his room (lol!) but was saying he shouldn’t have told me to fuck off and he felt bad about me being upset.

Inclined to believe him and move on from it now!

In all honesty, I'd point out the legalities of his and her age (assuming she's also 15) and say that what he does when he's with her is up to him, but you're not having her parents have a go at you for letting her stay in his room.
You could offer to ring her parents to ask them if they have ok'd it, I suppose - that should in most cases be enough for him to stop suggesting it!

If you don't want to lose face keep the punishment intact but tell him he can "earn" time off his "sentencing" for good behaviour.

Er no, if you mess up, own it and apologise. However, he was bang out of order and a sit down with his parents reminding him of the boundaries is definitely in order. Tell him how disrespected and insulted you were (labour the point) and if he disagrees with something hurling insults like a child does not help his cause.

Sorry, missed the update. Pat on the back to you, you’ve raised a child who acknowledges his bad behaviour and was grown up enough to admit it.

So he apologizes for swearing by swearing again. Quite Brilliant..

I know he swore again but he said it in jest and to be honest he is a 15 year old boy and I’m under no illusions about the language he uses (sadly). However he doesn’t ever usually swear at me like that and that’s why I was so upset.

Oh hotto dont be idiotic. Huge difference in both situations.

Op that’s great it’s sorted. It’s a tricky path this teenage lark. Have a proper convo re sex as he will be doing it elsewhere soon I think. Our rule was over 16 and a long term relationship first before stop overs.

Dolphin that sounds like a proper apology. I agree that it’s tricky to parent teenagers, in general I have tried to move away from punishments but sometimes their are natural consequences to poor decisions and they have to face those.

To be honest my teens sometimes swore as do me and dh. Swearing in anger at another person no! Stubbing your toe acceptable. 😂

It’s good to teach kids when it’s appoipriare and when it’s not. As shown here.

Good result Op.

Well done OP. Good result all round and handled great. You sound completely reasonable and approachable, hope I'm like you with my 15yr olds when they get to that stage.

I wasn't being idiotic. My previous post lays into OP for being OTT re. the f off thing so I'd hardly be doubling down on the expletives.

I'm genuinely in awe of her DS and his "I've been a twat" schtick. He is quite brilliant..