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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ground DS15 for the rest of the summer

123 replies

dolphinterritory · 05/08/2018 16:21

Got into an argument with DS and he told me to "fuck off".

Not impressed at all, absolutely will not accept this, so have told him he is grounded for the rest of the summer - not to go out and see mates, no parties etc. He will only be socialising with us and family/family friends if I see fit.

DH thinks this is unreasonable. AIBU and if so what sort of punishment would you think is reasonable?

OP posts:
Graphista · 05/08/2018 16:34

You've painted yourself into a corner, he now has no incentive to behave well.

Sympathy, been guilty of this myself in the heat of the moment.

When giving punishments you need to leave yourself somewhere to go if he misbehaves again AND you need to be able to say at the end of a punishment if he's behaved "great, now you can do X y z".

You also need to present a united front with your dh. If you don't support each other that just creates more conflict and gives DC the ability to play you off against each other.

Personally, I don't find swearing that bad. There's FAR worse teens can do. The disrespect can be achieved without swearing anyway.

I'd have grounded for 2 days - grounding in my house meant no going out, no phone.

Not unusual for them to rail against the punishment but then you've got the ability to extend so add a day for each attempt at arguing/complaining.

They'll soon learn its better to put up and shut up.

Seasawride · 05/08/2018 16:34

No you wont look weak. You spoke in anger as did he. Go talk to him.

I fully agree with you about the GF by the way. I had 6 teens and all my friends with teens wouldn’t allow 2 15 year olds to share a bed.

MrsMotherHen · 05/08/2018 16:35

rather than retract it give him a list of stuff to do around the house/chores that can earn him some days/weeks back.

Makemineboozefree · 05/08/2018 16:35

Okay, hadn't read the update when I posted. I still think a couple of days being grounded suffices - and a definite no to the girlfriend staying over in any room until he learns to discuss such matters like a grown up and not with insults.

Original poster
dolphinterritory · 05/08/2018 16:41

Ok need to talk to him... issue is he is not home currently.

I have actually made a bigger booboo than I have even admitted because obviously he said fuck off and walked out, I then texted him saying he needed to come home and was grounded all summer.

Shouldn't have done this over text and also should have spoken to DH first. DH came home and said I am being totally unreasonable and can't ground him all summer - he is with you guys.

But now DS is out and thinks I have grounded him all summer, also hasn't come home. I'm going to have to call him and admit defeat aren't i? What a mess.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/08/2018 16:46

Call/ text him and say you need to talk.
Don't apologise or back down over the phone, that's not going to help you.

When you do talk to him, explain how upset you are over what he said, and that you reacted in anger and hurt and you have gone overboard with the length of punishment.
But also hold your ground on the sharing bedroom thing if that's what you believe (I agree with you, in all honesty).
Tell him that you are sorry you over-reacted in your shock and hurt and that you will ground him for X amount of time instead, but you would also like him to apologise for his comment.

Leesa65 · 05/08/2018 16:47

God OP . Noooo

It will drive you nuts in the end too

Don't ground him for the whole summer but do remove something for a few days perhaps.

HirplesWithHaggis · 05/08/2018 16:48

Meh, he'll come home when he's hungry. You can have a discussion after that. But no, under no circumstances does the gf sleep in his room. If he insists, she won't be invited at all.

pointythings · 05/08/2018 16:49

You can come back from this. Keep a cool head, wait until he is home and then have a conversation with him. Admit that your reaction was excessive, that he is grounded for a couple of days and that the thing with his GF stands (because you are right about that one). He needs to apologise to you and you need to apologise to him - that isn't weakness. It's strength to admit that you as a parent are capable of getting things wrong and putting them right.

I have two teens aged 15 and 17.

Littlechocola · 05/08/2018 16:50

My teen would love this and just sit and play computer games all summer.

IceCreamFace · 05/08/2018 16:50

Errrr is this serious? Of YABU. You're on a massive OTT power trip. Tell him it's not acceptable, explain why not and put in place a reasonable consequence.

Original poster
dolphinterritory · 05/08/2018 16:50

Sorry but the girlfriend won’t be staying tomorrow night anyway after all this!

But no - not backing down on them sleeping in the same room. I know I can’t stop them having sex if they really want to but it’s the principle for me!

OP posts:
IceCreamFace · 05/08/2018 16:51

Sorry just saw update, yes a few days is reasonable and the girlfriend to staying in the room is fair.

howabout · 05/08/2018 16:53

My 15 year old DD would not be sleeping over in a boy's bedroom and she would be shocked if any of her friends were either. I wouldn't actually be that happy about her staying over at all tbh unless I knew the boy and his parents very well.

Her 17 year old sister has had this convo with lots of her mates recently. The general consensus, amongst the girls at least, is still no - there have been quite a few dramas and breakups among the various couples over this very issue.

Don't see any harm in your DH having full and frank discussion with your DS on the issues surrounding the subject. When I was at school a poor boy spent a very miserable couple of weeks with a girl accusing him of getting her pregnant when he hadn't even slept with her - she hadn't slept with anyone else either and wasn't even pregnant but it still caused all sorts of drama with both sets of parents and the school. Shock

In our house it is more likely me than the DC that swears in the heat of the moment but when I tentatively asked them about boys and socks following a MN convo I got chapter and verse complete with eyeroll about the disgusting nature of boys.

feska5 · 05/08/2018 16:54

Call him and say although you are extremely upset with his behaviour and language you both need to sit down and discuss what happened and what’s going to happen going forward. You can then re think his punishment as grounding him for the summer is over the top and actually more of a punishment for you! I do think you are quite right about his girlfriend staying over, 15 is too young.

SnailMailFan · 05/08/2018 16:55

Ive just had a text from my 17 year old saying ‘suck my dick’ because she wanted a lift, and I said not until 5.30.

She doesn’t live here, so there will be no grounding or phone ban, but there will be nothing else either. I’m disgusted with her and ashamed. I know I’m seen as being the soft parent, butI’m not taking that.

FlammingLips · 05/08/2018 16:56

Pick your battles but I would stand firm on his GF not staying in his room.

YodelOdel · 05/08/2018 17:00

Unless the girlfriend lives 50 miles away why on earth does she need to stay over at all? That is the first point to deal with.

Surely if they are just sleeping in separate rooms/beds there is no need for that to be under the same roof. And yes I have a 15 year old son.

They can spend the evening together and if it is in his bedroom, door open.

There is a 15 year old girl who is pregnant who attends my son's school. It has been a wake up call for a lot of children in year 10 (going into year 11) that there can be life altering consequences to having sex.

littlebillie · 05/08/2018 17:01

Hmmm I would let it go it's not worth ruining your summer

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 05/08/2018 17:06

The entire holiday is a bit over dramatic. Working week with no phone/ internet/ tv would sufficient.

Original poster
dolphinterritory · 05/08/2018 17:10

GF doesn’t live 50 miles away but also not in walking distance from us so if they spent evening it would involve one set of parents driving her back home late at night. Which I don’t mind doing but think DS just wanted her to stay so they could see each other in evening and then go on to do something the next day. Don’t think sleepovers at that age are that unusual, but I would not want them in the same bedroom.

However I am not living under a rock and know a lot of 15 year olds do have sex these days so am aware that may still happen no matter what I do!

OP posts:
AtreidesFreeWoman · 05/08/2018 17:17

If you don't want to lose face keep the punishment intact but tell him he can "earn" time off his "sentencing" for good behaviour.

So for example, cutting back a plant in the garden = one day, cleaning the car 2 days...and so on.

Obviously the bigger the task the more time back he can earn.

MissionItsPossible · 05/08/2018 17:20

Do what others have suggested: make him apologise for his language and then apologise for your OTT reaction and take back the punishment. The girlfriend still of course stays in another room or doesn’t stay over at all.

Jackyjill6 · 05/08/2018 17:24

OP I was totally taken by surprise when my 16 yr old DD stayed over at a fairly new bf's home in his room. I would have really appreciated it if I had been contacted by the Mum first.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 05/08/2018 17:26

Good grief you are punishing yourself there. I always found cutting off their access to the internet a much more effective way to punish the little blighters - change the password to disconnect his devices. I wouldn’t tell him til he comes home, no phoning him.