Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ground DS15 for the rest of the summer

123 replies

dolphinterritory · 05/08/2018 16:21

Got into an argument with DS and he told me to "fuck off".

Not impressed at all, absolutely will not accept this, so have told him he is grounded for the rest of the summer - not to go out and see mates, no parties etc. He will only be socialising with us and family/family friends if I see fit.

DH thinks this is unreasonable. AIBU and if so what sort of punishment would you think is reasonable?

OP posts:
Gardenpicnic · 05/08/2018 17:28

@snailmailfan I really hope you didn't provide a lift after that?! Hmm

topcat2014 · 05/08/2018 17:28

Oh dear, looks like DW and I would also be stuck inside permanently under these rules :)

FiestaThenSiesta · 05/08/2018 17:32

Do nothing. Wait for him to grovel and apologise and then reduce it to a week.

CaptainBrickbeard · 05/08/2018 17:36

You look a lot weaker sticking rigidly to an OTT punishment rather than showing grace and dignity in acknowledging your mistake and explaining your reasoning. Attempting to enforce such a silly threat will make you look ridiculous and lose his respect. As a mum and teacher, I’ve learned that children respect you when you admit you were overly harsh and act fairly. They despise you if you cling to an unfair punishment because you don’t want to lose face. I have a decade’s experience of teaching teenagers and have learned this over the years! You look like a stronger, better person by talking this through honestly. Children/teens are acutely intolerant of injustice. I see this come up a lot on MN - this terror of ever backing down and feeling obliged to see through whatever threat has been made. It just undermines you further and makes you look stupid. Don’t do it!

ShawshanksRedemption · 05/08/2018 17:39

I think the banning of his GF staying over at all would be enough. You could explain it to him as him showing immature behaviour (by saying F Off) means he's certainly not ready for that step. If he can accept her staying over in the spare bedroom so you can get to know her and he doesn't break your trust (by sneaking into her room), then you can go from there.

He's only known her a few weeks at most!! Is he responsible enough to use a condom even?!?

peanutbutterandbanana · 05/08/2018 17:40

I bet you that his friends' parents are not all allowing 15 year olds to have sex in their houses. It's a line kids use to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it and DO speak to the girl's parents.

NoFucksImAQueen · 05/08/2018 17:41

is he likely to apologise to you at some point? if so id say nothing till he did then use th at as the opportunity to discuss punishment and how you may have been a bit harsh initially and this is what will be happening instead etc

Enko · 05/08/2018 17:59

The issue is now I will look weak if I retract it.

Phone him up (I read the next post too) Tell him you overreacted however you do need to talk and it will be without him speaking like he did. You will listen to his side and he will listen to yours.

It is your choice to say gf can't sleep in same bedroom he does have to accept that .I personally do not get this and I just put it down to a British thing - not being British myself. However that is your choice in your home.

however he is 15 LISTEN to him. Let him talk let him put aside HIS point of view. Explain to him what yours is THEN make a joint decision.

You do not want to ground for a summer over a comment. What will you do if he does something really wrong? Right now by backing down you are teaching him that over reacting is something that can happen but if you take responsibility for it and deal with it after thats ok.

Enko · 05/08/2018 18:01

By joint decision I mean you and DH.. it is your home and he is 15 However sometimes with teenagers you need to give them the time to put aside their point of view.

AnnabelleLecter · 05/08/2018 18:05
  1. The most darling age of all ime! So easy to react disportionately to their exaggerated outbursts. Swearing at you is rude and he should apologise. If he does I would leave it at that. My main concern would be to try to ensure they are using contraception because whilst it's your choice whether you allow her to sleep in his room or not, you can't choose that they aren't having sex regardless.
Fang2468 · 05/08/2018 18:06

I don’t believe all his 15 year olds are having girlfriends sleeping over in their rooms - let’s remember it’s under the age of consent!!
Text him and say you want a chat, say that you went a bit over board on the punishment and if he apologises properly for the swearing you will forget it. I would say his gf can stay over but definitely in different rooms and there’s no discussion to be had on that point.

specialsubject · 05/08/2018 18:07

tell him that what other parents do is an irrelevant childish argument. as he is clearly planning sex, which is an adult activity, throwing toddler tantrums and insulting you is not the way forward. you all have to live together so how about some manners from him?

if he waits until they are 16 he can book a travelodge, buy some condoms and away they go.

AnnabelleLecter · 05/08/2018 18:14

Meant to add that the reason I wouldn't ever ground at that age is if you allow him out to meet up with his mates or gf it allows him and you to fume for a while then calm down separately in your own space. I would let him go out.

Booboostwo · 05/08/2018 18:25

Now you are sounding even more unreasonable. If you are unreasonable in a discussion it is more likely that people will tell you to fuck off. It’s still rude but perhaps being more reasonable will help your DS to not lose his temper,

He is 15yo, he will have sex and he will probably slip into the spare room to do it. Be a supportive parent. Let the GF stay, provided her parents are Ok with it, and buy him some condoms.

Stirner · 05/08/2018 19:04

@dolphinterritory - you sound like a complete arsehole. No wonder he swore at you.

Lynne1Cat · 05/08/2018 19:06

You're making a massive deal over 2 words said in anger? Let it go. Most teenagers swear at their parents on occasion. Get him to apologise. Of course you can't keep him in all summer!

Seasawride · 05/08/2018 19:09

Yep phone him.

He probably freaked as he thought you were going to phone the girls folks and spoil their little plot. Grin

Don’t despair op. All in a days work with teens. Always apologise and let them do the same. Move on

Lynne1Cat · 05/08/2018 19:10

I wouldn't be happy with the girl staying overnight. Drive her home, fetch her the next day if necessary. The last thing anyone needs is a teenage pregnancy. Get your son some condoms, just in case.

Mum of 2 sons (now in their 30s). Been there, done that.

Nanny0gg · 05/08/2018 19:18

Stirner

Are you the 15 year-old?

Treasure114 · 05/08/2018 19:18

YABVU!!! I thought you were going to say you'd found he was selling drugs, or he'd tortured the cat or something!

Mamabearx4 · 05/08/2018 19:30

"You look a lot weaker sticking rigidly to an OTT punishment rather than showing grace and dignity in acknowledging your mistake and explaining your reasoning. Attempting to enforce such a silly threat will make you look ridiculous and lose his respect. As a mum and teacher, I’ve learned that children respect you when you admit you were overly harsh and act fairly. They despise you if you cling to an unfair punishment because you don’t want to lose face. I have a decade’s experience of teaching teenagers and have learned this over the years! You look like a stronger, better person by talking this through honestly. Children/teens are acutely intolerant of injustice. I see this come up a lot on MN - this terror of ever backing down and feeling obliged to see through whatever threat has been made. It just undermines you further and makes you look stupid. Don’t do it!"

THIS....
but in terms of gf... make it clear your rules or nowt. no discussions don't even engage... end of. hash but when teens know theres no room for manoverue, they usually of for what is allowed, other then go completely without (mum of two teens)

Seasawride · 05/08/2018 19:47

Totally agree with the no room for manoeuvre. Youngest teen dds wanted another party before gap year to say goodbye to friends. We had just had new carpets fitted.

The laughing and absolutely not from us was enough to quash any further pleading Grin

Zoflorabore · 05/08/2018 19:55

I have a 15yr old son too and would not be at all pleased if he said this to me.

However, grounding him for the rest of the holidays? Surely that will punish you more than him? And you will no doubt relent after x amount of days and he won't really learn.

Hit him where it hurts- figuratively speaking of course. Does he play Fortnite etc? Ban it. Take his phone away for 24 hours ( that will seem like 24 days to a 15yr old ) something that will make him think about what he's done.

I am trying to get my ds to go out more so in your shoes I would have to punish him by making him go out Smile

As an aside, ds is my oldest and I think we've got worse to come than him telling me to F off. Teenagers are hard work. Mine is mostly absolutely lovely but it's a difficult age. No way on earth would I be allowing the GF to sleep over though. They will just sneak about in the night and you may end up with more trouble than this!

Stirner · 05/08/2018 20:07

@Nanny0gg - no I'm just somebody thar lives in the real world unlike the pearl clutchers on here.

loveyoutothemoon · 05/08/2018 20:14

No you won't. Just say that you're still angry and disappointed in him but that you thought a month was a bit too long. Don't say you over reacted though.