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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ground DS15 for the rest of the summer

123 replies

dolphinterritory · 05/08/2018 16:21

Got into an argument with DS and he told me to "fuck off".

Not impressed at all, absolutely will not accept this, so have told him he is grounded for the rest of the summer - not to go out and see mates, no parties etc. He will only be socialising with us and family/family friends if I see fit.

DH thinks this is unreasonable. AIBU and if so what sort of punishment would you think is reasonable?

OP posts:
Namedilema123 · 05/08/2018 20:46

I would just be honest with him. You overreacted in the heat of the moment as you were so hurt and shocked by what he said to you. On reflection, being grounded the whole summer isnt fair, but he still shouldnt swear at you like that and needs to respect you and your wishes as his mother. So (insert new punishment here), and you stand by your decision that gf canmot stay over. Hug, move on.

Original poster
dolphinterritory · 05/08/2018 20:57

Issue!

I texted him to ask him to come home for a chat as you all suggested. No response!
I have rung him, no response!

He is not home...
I’m annoyed at myself for over reacting as god knows where he is/what he’s doing now! Any advice?

OP posts:
Metoodear · 05/08/2018 21:02

Their will be loads on here who will tell you no big deal

Next she will be calling you a cunt

I am from a Caribbean background and I would be having none
Of it but their is lies the difference in how different cultures raise their children slippery slope

Metoodear · 05/08/2018 21:03

Ha and now they all have you grovelling to him

Expect him to be telling you to fuck off again op

Seasawride · 05/08/2018 21:18

Op I would now be far angrier at his no response than the swearing .

Ok get your dh to phone him. He may respond better to that.

i am from a Caribbean background errr so what? Are your parenting skills superior?

Op as I said upthread we had 6 teens. This happens. It’s par for the course. You both were angry but you were right. He needs to knuckle under regards the girl.

He will be back. Full court with you and dh in the same page. tell him your house rules and he apologises for the swearing.

Over and done with

Seasawride · 05/08/2018 21:21

He’s probably also embarrassed and scared. Silly sausage Grin

Seasawride · 05/08/2018 21:24

God I hate when people equate good parenting to culture

At best it’s laughable untrue and at worst it’s controll bullying and violent.

pointythings · 05/08/2018 21:27

God I hate when people equate good parenting to culture

Me too. There isn't a culture that universally gets parenting right. Superiority complexes aren't a good look on anyone.

Seasawride · 05/08/2018 21:29

Indeed pointy

Original poster
dolphinterritory · 05/08/2018 21:33

DH tried to ring but didn’t answer either!
He has now texted DH saying he isn’t coming home because I’m a bitch and he’ll stay at his mates house!
Grrrrr!

OP posts:
Ittakestwo · 05/08/2018 21:35

I wouldn’t let my 15 yo son have his girlfriend stay over in his room. Grounding a 15 year old doesn’t work they will drive you bonkers. He’s nearly an adult talk to him when things are calm it’s a storm in a teacup.

Ittakestwo · 05/08/2018 21:40

I’m on teenager number 3 and another just round the corner. I remember being a nightmare as a teenager I was strong willed and defiant just like my kids.

Fang2468 · 05/08/2018 21:49

Leave him to it, he’ll probably stay away for a night then he’ll be back.
I’ m not be impressed with him calling you a bitch too. He still needs to apologise.

Mamabear4180 · 05/08/2018 22:02

Hi OP. It sounds like he's rebelling over your harsh consequences. Sometimes when teens feel there's nothing to lose they just rebel. You haven't given him an opportunity to redeem himself. There's not really anything for him to 'get worse' so he's just disrespecting you completely now. The whole summer was overkill.

Your best bet now is to apologise for over reacting and have a really good chat about respect and why you felt so outraged. Explain how you want a good relationship with him so swearing at you makes the relationship feel threatened which is why you reacted out of fear. Apologise for that but insist that speaking to you that way was bang out of order so he is still grounded for a week.

That's my best advice. I also think it's important to be on the same page as your OH as much as possible so you can both agree and also don't let these chats get so heated in the first place. Teen's can become defensive easily, he may have felt you were suspecting them of wanting to have sex and he may not be ready for that or he may be embarrassed. I agree they shouldn't share a room but perhaps it's best to discuss these things with the onus on him to let you know who's sleeping where than bang out rules straightaway.

All in all I think there could of been a more delicate way of having the original chat which might not have got his back up so much but it's still out of order for him to swear at you.

Rebecca36 · 05/08/2018 22:04

You are being unreasonable. He was wrong to say what he did but grounding him for the entire summer holiday is OTT. Far better to make him do some chore that will take a day or so.

He might even say he's sorry.

Seasawride · 05/08/2018 22:41

Oh my dh wouldn’t put up with that op.

Serious talk wen master Cedric is home again. Bitch is disgusting. I think he has clocked you and dh disagreeing and hopes to capitalise on that.

I would let dh deal with This. I had 4 sons and 2 dds the only man in charge in our house was dh. The only woman in charge was me.

He’s trying it on op. Squash him like a beetle.

H needs to apologise

Original poster
dolphinterritory · 05/08/2018 22:51

DH is NOT happy!!

Also although DH disagrees about grounding him all summer (which I also agree now was a mistake) we are generally in agreement now.

DS now home. DH text him and said if he didn’t reply his locations DH would ring all the parents numbers we had! Didn’t get him home until 10pm so not spoken to him tonight, he went straight to his room.

All 3 of us will sit down tomorrow and have it out. I am not having him tell me to fuck off and call me a bitch but equally my response was inappropriate. And the girlfriend isn’t staying in his room!

OP posts:
ALemonyPea · 05/08/2018 23:02

As the owner of a 15 year old boy, you have my sympathies. You overreacted, but glad you’ve seen you have.

Sit down with him tomorrow, apologies for flying off the handle with him, tell him you want an apology for the swearing and name calling as that is what has upset you, and then tell him what his appropriate punishment is. The key thing here is you apologise for being in the wrong as well, treat him like the grown up he is trying to be while still treating him like the child you know he is.

ShawshanksRedemption · 06/08/2018 18:30

How did things go @dolphinterritory?

Ethylred · 06/08/2018 18:43

Oh so actually you want to control his sex life.

Do. Not. Be. That. Mother.

Clairetree1 · 06/08/2018 18:52

The issue is now I will look weak if I retract it.

no you don't look weak, you look like a sensible person who is capable of reevaluating a situation calmly and changing your mind about it.

" I've thought about what happened, and I was very angry and upset at the way you spoke to me, and I would like you to acknowledge that and apologise: however, I have reconsidered the punishment I decided on / or I have discussed the punishment with your father, and I have come to the conclusion that I over reacted, because I was angry.

I have decided that a 3 day grounding, and losing your phone for that time would be more proportionate"

You are modelling adult behaviour.

Original poster
dolphinterritory · 06/08/2018 19:02

I would love to lie and say it went perfectly but unfortunately not - I do feel he has thrown his toys out of the pram a bit.

He initially refused to speak to me about it at all and was rude and obnoxious about it all. I then went out leaving him with DH who managed to talk a bit of sense into him - I chatted to him about how it made me feel, yada yada, and said I was in the wrong for him to be grounded all summer and I said some parents would take his phone off him (which I haven’t done), and I said I was cancelling the sleepover tomorrow night but we could talk about it again and I would like him to apologise.

He has refused to apologise so we are a bit stuck. I think I will just give him another day or so but I’m not moving on it without an apology! DH is getting more and more annoyed at him.

Also for the pp who said I want to control my son’s sex life, this is not the case but he is a 15 year old child and I think it’s perfectlt reasonable I don’t want a girl in his bed at this stage.

Any further advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 06/08/2018 19:19

Let the GF stay, provided her parents are Ok with it, and buy him some condoms.

Aw hell no. If he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to sort out his own condoms.

MrMeSeeks · 06/08/2018 19:33

Oh so actually you want to control his sex life.
Dont most parents want to stop their 15 y/o having sex? Confused

Booboostwo · 06/08/2018 19:47

The most important thing with teenagers having sex is that they stay safe with respect to STDs and pregnacy, and that they feel safe and respected to refuse consent when they don’t want to go any further. Whether they have sex in his room overnight or at a friend’s house during the day is an idiotic thing to focus on. You are not seeing the wood for the trees.