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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP is being unfair to leave me almost every weekend

107 replies

music88888 · 05/08/2018 12:56

DP has a hobby, and while he's done it since the beginning of the relationship, since we moved in together about a year ago it's become much more frequent. It used to be 1 whole weekend a month and another odd day. Now it's 2 whole weekends a month, and 2 single days days. He is even going away on my birthday! It's become an obsessions. Sometimes he's taking part, other times he's running events.

This leaves only TWO weekend days to spend together a month, and I'm tired of it. We live in a flat, in a semi-rural area, and my famly live quite a distance away. I don't have many friends, and the ones I have also live far away to just randomly see every weekend. I drive, but I am quite a nervous driver and don't like driving too far away or places I don't know well (triggers anxiety and panic when I'm on unknown roads alone). Plus, the places round here are very samey and I'm bored of going to coffee shops, shopping, walks, etc alone. Also, the train service is almost unsuable on Sundays.

I'm becoming very very bored and lonely, spending almost every weekend alone. I read, watch TV, run errands but it really does get dull to do it so often. He says I should stop relying on him so much, but is it so much to ask to want to do something with your partner on valued weekends after a long week at work?

AIBU to be upset about this, and think he's BU to leave me on my own so much?

And no, we don't have children yet. But he's said if we ever have them, he will still want to do this hobby at the same frequency he is now.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 05/08/2018 13:00

You really need to build up your own life, you are relying on him and it would irritate me.
I get why you're annoyed but you knew he did this before you lived together, maybe he sees it as you see him every day now so he can do things at the weekend.

Skittlesandbeer · 05/08/2018 13:01

Big Fat Nope from me. That is him living a single life, not a partnered one.

Take him to counselling, make him admit he’s prioritising his hobby over you now, and over kids in the future. Then when you’ve heard it clearly, leave him and find someone interested in building a life with you. There’s nothing wrong with your expectations, if your post is the full story. It’s him.

He’s got balls, I’ll give him that. Now you grow some too.

Sciurus83 · 05/08/2018 13:02

YANBU that is far too much and very selfish of him. The fact that he says he wouldn't be willing to stop if you had a family is a big alarm bell, I think he needs an ultimatum and soon! If things don't change then you need to think really carefully about having children with him, can't play second fiddle to a hobby forever

peachgreen · 05/08/2018 13:02

For me it would be less about him "leaving you" on your own and more about him using so much of your quality time together on a solo hobby. DH rows but would never do it more than one evening and one weekend morning a week as he'd be missing out on time with me and DD. He also takes DD in his own for however long he spends rowing at the weekend so that I can do something I want to do too.

MatildaTheCat · 05/08/2018 13:04

Spending 6/8 free days a month on this hobby is U in my opinion especially if it’s changed from when you moved in together. He won’t change though and it might start to become holiday weeks too.

You do need to assess if you are ok with this. If you are resentful now I can assure you you will be 10000x more resentful with a couple of toddlers in tow.

Sometimes moving in together is a good way of realising that you aren’t in fact compatible.

Sorry.

IdontunderstandPicasso · 05/08/2018 13:05

Agree. You need to make friends and plans for when he isn’t around. If you are a nervous driver you need to drive more to be honest. I used to shake so much my knees would knock together but then one day I had no choice but to drive more. I’m ok now. You need to get your own hobby.
Do you have children? At the moment it seems you don’t. So I guess I think it’s fair enough for him to have a consuming hobby. If you really can’t handle it then I would suggest going your separate ways. I do think that you are an adult who needs to take control of the weekends you have to yourself or involve yourself in his hobby though. I would have a diff view if you had children though.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/08/2018 13:05

I’m uncomfortable with partners stopping someone doing their hobby. So I think YABU.

When you say two whole weekends what’s the actual time he’s out.

Singlenotsingle · 05/08/2018 13:06

I think it's both. You need to develop interests/friends of your own AND he should cut down and behave like a spouse, not a single man. Aren't you interested in this hobby of his?

Noideawhatelseicando · 05/08/2018 13:06

I have two children under 5 and if my husband did this I would be very unhappy. If you have no children I think having hobbies is healthy but it should be balanced between time together and time apart. Once children become involved I think it's very unrealistic for him to expect to still to be able to do it so often and neglect his family

Original poster
music88888 · 05/08/2018 13:07

@ThroughThickAndThin01 He will leave about 4:30am and come back probably around 9:30pm. Sometimes he will stay over there.

OP posts:
IdontunderstandPicasso · 05/08/2018 13:07

Missed the bit about him being unwilling to stop if you had a family. I would be leaving. This would be a whole different situation if you were trapped with children alone!

endofthelinefinally · 05/08/2018 13:08

Leave now.
He will only get worse.
He loves his hobby more than he loves you.

Plumsofwrath · 05/08/2018 13:08

Erm, I’d be telling him that if his hobby is more enjoyable than my company, to the extent we only spend two days a month together, I’d be a fool to stay with him. His voting with his feet: his hobby is far more important to him than time with you.

Also, no way in God’s green earth would I have a baby with someone who’s already telling me he’s only around to spend 2 days/month with the child. Obviously even the child is less important to him than his hobby. Why cripple a child with a father who has that little interest in him?!

shakeyourcaboose · 05/08/2018 13:08

Is the hobby something like the TA? Sounds v full on!

museumum · 05/08/2018 13:09

I think you’re just incompatible. He’s been very clear about how he wants to live. You don’t want that. Neither of you “should” have to change so I’m afraid it’s just time to say goodbye. Sad though that is.

UpstartCrow · 05/08/2018 13:12

Look, its not 'relying' on your partner to want to spend time with them.
He's told you that this situation will continue if you have children. He isn't going to change.
It also sounds like you moved a distance to be with him.

Move away and see if the relationship survives.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 05/08/2018 13:12

You are just not compatible, it is not a case of who is or is not being unreasonable. Plus, if he was absolutely smitten with you, he would want to spend as much time as possible with you. It really is that simple.

BarbarianMum · 05/08/2018 13:15

Sounds like you're fundementay incompatible OP (not that I blame you). Go find your own life and friends and a boyfriend that wants to spend time with you. And yy to increasing your confidence in driving (or alternatively move somewhere it's not an issue).

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 13:15

I think the original one weekend and one single weekend day a month was reasonable and healthy to have separate interests but he's increased it to the point you have almost no free time together and is saying he would maintain that if you had children, surely that's unworkable if you both work too

Clairetree1 · 05/08/2018 13:15

go with him, find your own hobby, gain more confidence in driving,

I think YABU.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 05/08/2018 13:17

There's no future in this relationship if you can't talk and agree how much time he spends away at his hobby.

You both need to work some things out here. Firstly, you need to be responsible for your own life, transport and social life. Don't take the easy option of relying on him. It won't help you if you split and it also puts unnecessary pressure on your relationship.

Secondly, discuss the future and how he expects things to work if you have kids. He can't just piss off whenever he wants then. Tell him you'd like more time with him now, but in my opinion, if you sorted your own life out it wouldn't matter so much to you.

Do not have children with him if he won't put them first.

SymbollocksInteractionism · 05/08/2018 13:18

If you want to have kids ditch him OP. This situation would be unbearable with kids!

DarlingNikita · 05/08/2018 13:19

we don't have children yet. But he's said if we ever have them, he will still want to do this hobby at the same frequency he is now.

So he envisages you as being basically a weekend childcare provider (and presumably laundress, cleaner etc for him) while he gets on and does his hobby.

Tell him now that it's not balanced or fair the amount he leaves you alone, and it would only be worse if you had children with him.

laptopdisaster · 05/08/2018 13:21

You need to leave if you want kids. You'll be a single parent. Why are you staying?

KlutzyDraconequus · 05/08/2018 13:21

A partner should add to your life...
What is this person adding to yours?

I don't get men that put hobbies and social life before their partner. They either want to be single and do what they want or have a partner and consider them in their actions. It can't be both and it shouldn't be both.