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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP is being unfair to leave me almost every weekend

107 replies

music88888 · 05/08/2018 12:56

DP has a hobby, and while he's done it since the beginning of the relationship, since we moved in together about a year ago it's become much more frequent. It used to be 1 whole weekend a month and another odd day. Now it's 2 whole weekends a month, and 2 single days days. He is even going away on my birthday! It's become an obsessions. Sometimes he's taking part, other times he's running events.

This leaves only TWO weekend days to spend together a month, and I'm tired of it. We live in a flat, in a semi-rural area, and my famly live quite a distance away. I don't have many friends, and the ones I have also live far away to just randomly see every weekend. I drive, but I am quite a nervous driver and don't like driving too far away or places I don't know well (triggers anxiety and panic when I'm on unknown roads alone). Plus, the places round here are very samey and I'm bored of going to coffee shops, shopping, walks, etc alone. Also, the train service is almost unsuable on Sundays.

I'm becoming very very bored and lonely, spending almost every weekend alone. I read, watch TV, run errands but it really does get dull to do it so often. He says I should stop relying on him so much, but is it so much to ask to want to do something with your partner on valued weekends after a long week at work?

AIBU to be upset about this, and think he's BU to leave me on my own so much?

And no, we don't have children yet. But he's said if we ever have them, he will still want to do this hobby at the same frequency he is now.

OP posts:

PhaLANge · 05/08/2018 14:51

In your situation I would try to find my own stuff to do/friends etc when he's away and make the most of the independence, trust me you'll miss it once children are on the scene! Is there a hobby/class you could take up while he's out? Also it makes the time you do spend together more exciting/special, and it's nice to miss each other sometimes I think, in long term relationships. Stops it from getting stale and boring. If he's really passionate about this hobby and enjoying himself, could you get involved in it too?

But I would definitely not want to move forward with having children if he's serious about not cutting back. That is unreasonable, especially if you're doing the lions share of the childcare all week. That'd be a massive deal breaker for me.

As things stand without children, if you really don't feel you can cope with the length of time he's doing his thing, can find no other way around it and it's getting you down that much, maybe it's best to call it a day because it sounds like you're incompatible for the long term. Especially if he's not going to cut back after having kids.

Laureline · 05/08/2018 14:53

He has told you who he is, and where you - and any future hypothetical child - stand in his list of priorities. I would listen very carefully.

Bluelady · 05/08/2018 14:54

To be honest I don't know why you're still with him. You'd both be better off if he was with someone who shares his hobby.

BuntyII · 05/08/2018 15:05

It just depends what makes you happy. My DH has a hobby that takes him out daily for a few hours and the time apart benefits us. I can't think of anything worse than him getting under my feet at weekends when I'm trying to relax. But you don't sound happy and that's the difference. If this isn't wasn't you want then he isn't the right man for you.

Cherubfish · 05/08/2018 15:12

Do you want to have children, OP? If so, you need to leave this man now. He has openly told you that he'll be away nearly all the time while you deal with the kids on your own. And you won't even be able to make a fuss about it because he's been honest about it so he'll be able to say "but you always knew it would be like this if we had kids".

Don't do it. Your life will be miserable.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 05/08/2018 15:18

Ummm, does he WANT to be in a relationship? He’s got the best of all worlds. He’s being very clear what he can offer. Be careful OP, I’d be wary of having a family with this man. You’d be like a single mum.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 05/08/2018 15:23

I bet you do most of the wifework and housework as well OP. He's not vacuuming or cleaning bathrooms with that hobby schedule.

YearOfYouRemember · 05/08/2018 15:23

I would be finishing the relationship.

He's dictating to you now as you only get to spend time together when his highness allows it and he's telling you you'll be doing 100% of the child care at weekends too.

While making a life for yourself would be good, there is no point being in a relationship if it's not a very happy one.

Lightningbolt82 · 05/08/2018 15:25

This sounds appauling. I vote you leave. He sounds like a real git. On the other hand though, you do need to start thinking about what interests you so you have at least one thing that you can do/talk about! Good luck with your better life without him.

FlammingLips · 05/08/2018 15:32

Fuck that! Leave him to it and don't have kids with him.

Aspergallus · 05/08/2018 15:33

Are you actually married?

If not, then perhaps you are just finding out he isn’t the one for you?

It’s not unreasonable to have incompatible interests and incompatible ideas of what a relationship is. It is unreasonable to expect someone to change to fit your ideas rather than being realistic. Or to continue to pursue a long term relationship complaining about something that was clear from the start.

This wouldn’t suit me -I have chosen to be with someone who sees his partner as his primary social partner; we do most things together. However, this would suit some of my friends who like plenty of time for the gym/ girlfriends/ shopping / other hobbies and interests -doesn’t mean they are less committed to their relationships, just different wants and needs.

I don’t know why so many people try to force long term relationships out of any coupling -you would think long and hard about any business partnership, and need to do the same when it comes to agreeing on family life.

MarthasGinYard · 05/08/2018 15:36

Work on the anxiety so you can spread your wings a little more

BitOfFun · 05/08/2018 15:43

It just doesn't sound like a man in love to me.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 05/08/2018 15:47

Don’t stay with this man because he doesn’t care about you enough to make you a priority. Is it possible for you to move back to where your friends and family live?

He sounds very selfish. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner who spends time with you and I don’t think you should waste any more time in this relationship.

londonrach · 05/08/2018 16:00

Leave now op as if youve children it just gets more complicated when you split up. Bet most are singledoing this hobby

adaline · 05/08/2018 16:04

You need to make plans for your days off and maybe make him miss you a little bit. If you're always at home waiting for him, he doesn't need to give up his hobby because he knows music will always be there when he gets home.

Go away, make plans for the weekend. Go and stay with friends or family, arrange a day out somewhere or start a hobby that takes you out of the house. Have your own life and time apart from him. Personally I'd find it very claustrophobic to be expected to entertain my partner all the time, and your OP very much says "I can't cope without him here".

Maybe if you're not always around and sometimes say "I can't, I'm busy", he'll want to cut down his hobby because it'll be the only way he gets time with you. If on his free days, you're out or busy or have plans, he may realise he can't just do what he wants and have you waiting for him afterwards.

thenightsky · 05/08/2018 17:10

I've got a DH who spends a fair bit of time on hobbies. A whole weekend a month on average, plus 2 nights a week. Also 3 weeks every two years there's a trip to Japan. Then there are European trips (normally 4 nights) about twice a year. On the other nights/weekends he is at the gym.

He cut right down when the DC were small though. Now DS is adult he goes with his dad.

I got myself my own hobby, but one that's not too physical. As we get older, DH is having to cut down his very physical hobby due to old age and injury. My hobby is not physical so I can carry on. I go away for at least 2 long weekends a year, plus 10 days on European road trips etc.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 05/08/2018 17:18

You need to get some hobbies and driving lessons. He needs to do one day and one weekend a month.

Sierra259 · 05/08/2018 17:28

I think to some extent some pp's have a point about you trying to develop some interests/friends of your own as it sounds like you're pretty isolated atm. However, those things aren't going to take up 6-8 weekend days out of every month! If it was even half of that, fair enough but I can understand you wanting to actually spend some time with your partner occasionally. I completely agree that your resentment will only grow if he's fucking off every weekend if/when you have DC. You (and future them) are obviously not his priority and you need to decide if you're happy with that.

wafflyversatile · 05/08/2018 17:28

What do you do and how do you get on on that one weekend a month he has deigned to spend with you?

Mumontheedge1 · 05/08/2018 17:31

literally just focus on being happy in your own life - it sounds as though you are lonely and are happy to rely on DP but it also sounds as though you are becoming resentful - so time to kick yourself up the bum I think and improve your life - if you are happy you will then know if this relationship works for you rather than being dependent

Trills · 05/08/2018 17:33

Why do you live where you live if you are a nervous driver and there's no public transport on Sundays?

It's OK to split up with someone because the life that you have together is not the life that you'd like to live. He doesn't have to do anything "wrong".

myusernameblewaway · 05/08/2018 17:35

I was going to ask the same as a PP - is he an equal partner in the Home?

Does he cook, clean, iron, DIY etc? Or has you moving in facilitated him spending more time on his hobby?

It sounds as if you are now dealing with 'life' and as a result he can invest more time being away from home.

alltoomuchrightnow · 05/08/2018 17:36

I agree re driving lessons as will open up a whole new world to you.. if I was a nervous driver I would not drive at all..it's not safe.
I can see both sides here but weekends are not a big deal to me as I've always worked them and so has DP. He's just come home from ten weeks working abroad and should be our first weekend together probably this year ..but...he's working. I'm just used to my own space and entertaining myself, I guess. We do spend time together when we can, it doesn't have to be weekends, might be a week day or an evening, I get not everyone can do that. But because we both work weekends we'll often have a day off in the week.
I just think, build your own life..and then see how you feel about him and if you want to stay.

Stripyhoglets1 · 05/08/2018 17:44

If you want children one day you need to leave this relationship and may as well do this now.

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