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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP is being unfair to leave me almost every weekend

107 replies

music88888 · 05/08/2018 12:56

DP has a hobby, and while he's done it since the beginning of the relationship, since we moved in together about a year ago it's become much more frequent. It used to be 1 whole weekend a month and another odd day. Now it's 2 whole weekends a month, and 2 single days days. He is even going away on my birthday! It's become an obsessions. Sometimes he's taking part, other times he's running events.

This leaves only TWO weekend days to spend together a month, and I'm tired of it. We live in a flat, in a semi-rural area, and my famly live quite a distance away. I don't have many friends, and the ones I have also live far away to just randomly see every weekend. I drive, but I am quite a nervous driver and don't like driving too far away or places I don't know well (triggers anxiety and panic when I'm on unknown roads alone). Plus, the places round here are very samey and I'm bored of going to coffee shops, shopping, walks, etc alone. Also, the train service is almost unsuable on Sundays.

I'm becoming very very bored and lonely, spending almost every weekend alone. I read, watch TV, run errands but it really does get dull to do it so often. He says I should stop relying on him so much, but is it so much to ask to want to do something with your partner on valued weekends after a long week at work?

AIBU to be upset about this, and think he's BU to leave me on my own so much?

And no, we don't have children yet. But he's said if we ever have them, he will still want to do this hobby at the same frequency he is now.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 05/08/2018 13:23

Wasn't this exact same thread on here a few weeks ago?

krustykittens · 05/08/2018 13:25

I was going to say you were BU until I saw how much time he spends out of the house at the weekend! I ride and it is quite a time consuming hobby but myself and OH work around it and still spend a lot of time together at the weekends. No bloody way would I put up with that if I had kids, either. So if you have worked all week and are on your knees with tiredness, with a baby that won't sleep the night through, he'll still bugger off for the whole weekend, maybe a sleep over?! Seriously OP, you need to have a good long talk with him about his priorities. I got a horse after I got together with my DH but I didn't buy until we both talked about what was reasonable in terms of money and time spent on my hobby and we were both happy with the agreement.

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 13:25

I think it's healthy to have your own interests and hobbies and your nervous driving isn't his fault, but if you both work in the week and he's spending 6/8 weekend days away from 4am until 9pm is not even really a relationship is it? If I saw someone twice a month I might say we were very casually dating, move on OP he's made his priorities clear and since you lived together he is spending more and more time away which doesn't bode well, neither does his insistence it would be the same if you had children, non resident parents see their DCs more than he would

Rafflesway · 05/08/2018 13:27

Personally, I would be leaving him to it! Literally!!
You aren't his partner - you're his housekeeper with sex thrown in

You are worth so much more, OP!

Churrolicious · 05/08/2018 13:29

This would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

timeisnotaline · 05/08/2018 13:30

I’d move back out. You can see if he lifts his game once you’re not around whenever he wants. Or if it’s just not worth it, because I wouldn’t have kids with someone who didn’t prioritise us. FWIW I have babies who don’t sleep. Saturday and Sunday mornings dh is on duty so I can get a couple more hours of sleep. Any hobbies or commitments he adjusts or cancels to fit that in.

Namechangenumber57 · 05/08/2018 13:31

Do not have children with this man. He absolutely won’t get better and you’ll be pissed off and resentful that you are expected to basically be a slave to the house and the children while he swans off every weekend to do his hobby

Agastache · 05/08/2018 13:32

What is the point of this relationship?

Move back to where you have family and friends and tell him he was right, you did need to be less reliant on him. Much less.

Firesuit · 05/08/2018 13:34

I wonder what you would do if you did spend time together? Surely there's only so much of your life you can spend looking longingly into one person's eyes. Similarly, their brains contain considerably less interesting stuff than the whole internet, so the amount of worthwhile conversation you can have with one person must be finite. Unless you are the kind of talker/listener who doesn't care about the quality of the content.

Slimmingsnake · 05/08/2018 13:37

Who's choice was it to live where you are? Dosen t sound like it is the right place for you.

timeisnotaline · 05/08/2018 13:38

firesuit what a bizarre idea of relationships. What on Earth do you get from one if you don’t like spending time with them? My dh is the person I like to spend time with the most in the world.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 13:39

hes not glued to you ,he’s not obliged to be with you 24-7
So sort yourself a hobby or interest stop pining for him returning home
You are being a bit drippy and over reliant.id find it claustrophobic your neediness
Sort yourself out a hobby or independent interest ,and you’ll overcome nervous driving by driving more tbh

PositiveVibez · 05/08/2018 13:39

I don't know whether the hobby thing would bother me, but that's because I have friends and family close by, but the 'i won't change my ways when we have a family', would certainly have me contemplating whether I want to carry on the relationship.

I would definitely make sure your contraception is as damn near perfect as it can get as the last thing you want is to get pregnant.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 05/08/2018 13:44

I would see it as a huge red flag if a partner expected me to give up hobbies I had already. Couples aren't joined at the hip and should have their own interests and friends. So many are expected to give it up and are then left with nothing when the relationship meets its end.

Uzicorn · 05/08/2018 13:44

So the twat expects you to take care of future DC on your own two full weekends each month and two half weekends each month?

He has warned you OP that this what life will be like. Leave him before you get married and have kids with the selfish twat.

MrsMozart · 05/08/2018 13:45

Hm.

Can completely see your pov, and can his to a certain extent.

I have horses. DH isn't at all horse orientated. Horses take a lot of time, so we've, finally, learnt to balance it. DH goes to the yard with me and helps where he can. He likes to watch me compete or doing something interesting (in his eyes, he's not a fan of dressage), equally he's fine doing his own thing while I get on with stuff or am doing 'the boring things'. In return I'll forego spending all my free time at the yard or horse events or tack shops, etc., to do things with him.

Until recently he was a keen cyclist and would be out for hours.

Neither of us resents the other as we know how important our things are, however we make the time to be together even if it's just to mooch about or watch a film.

OP your OH needs to figure out how to get that balance back. And you need to decide what you can and will do to facilitate it.

anniegranny · 05/08/2018 13:46

I've been through this with my ex's cricket, it took up the whole summer and I got tired of going to the matches and still being ignored ( unless they wanted me to make teas or keep score!)
We had no children then so I got a dog to keep me company and it changed my life Smile

crimsonlake · 05/08/2018 13:46

You really do need to overcome your lack of confidence with your driving. Yes, it can be unnerving driving to and around unknown territory however you are a grown woman and need to overcome this. My ex used to drive when we went long distances, suddenly I found myself having to do 4 hour drives ferrying sons back and to to university when they needed to take all their stuff. I had no option and had to do it, cannot say I enjoy it but I do feel better in myself for pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
Alarm bells would ring about your DP not being willing to reduce his hobby even if you did have children. He wants to lead the single life whilst enjoying the benefits of a relationship, very .very selfish.

hammeringinmyhead · 05/08/2018 13:49

I wonder what you would do if you did spend time together? Surely there's only so much of your life you can spend looking longingly into one person's eyes. Similarly, their brains contain considerably less interesting stuff than the whole internet, so the amount of worthwhile conversation you can have with one person must be finite. Unless you are the kind of talker/listener who doesn't care about the quality of the content.

This is just bizarre. My DH is my best friend. Yesterday we went to the zoo and then for lunch, with a bit of shopping in the afternoon. Today he's playing a game and I'm researching holidays/mumsnetting. Tonight will be a takeaway and a film.

If you're so bored that you don't want to talk to/spend time with/go out and about with someone you're not with the right person!

OP, YANBU. It's not relying on someone wanting to spend time with them. Unfortunately some of these people who are busy on some weekend days then don't want to do anything on the days they are free because they're knackered and want to recharge.

PickAChew · 05/08/2018 13:50

So he's increased his hobby since you've been together and has made it clear that he won't be hanging around to pay any attention to any children he fathers.

He's made him very clear that he's not life partner material. I'd be chucking him back in the pond.

GoatWithACoat · 05/08/2018 13:50

He doesn’t love you as much as you deserve.

Leave him to it. Permanently.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 05/08/2018 13:52

Please don't have children with him.

Neither of you are necessarily BU. But you're unhappy and he won't change. End the relationship and find your happy.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 13:54

No hammering, being with the right person doesn’t have to equate to do everything together
I’m with my right person we don’t do everything together,separate friends,holidays apart
It’s whatever works,and I can’t abide neediness or being together all the time

Graphista · 05/08/2018 13:55

When someone shows AND tells you who they are BELIEVE THEM

He isn't interested in being part of a couple let alone a family.

2 days per month is less time than many divorced men spend with their DC.

Who's idea was it to move in together? Why?

I suspect yours, because you were fed up with a LDR, that he wasn't that keen but was too spineless to say so. But he's now saying so in his actions, very passive aggressive which is also a bad sign.

Time to move on. To be honest doesn't sound like he's even that bothered about you.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 05/08/2018 13:55

He is telling you loud and clear that his hobby means more to him than you do.

I would move back to where my family and friends live, and maybe just see him that one weekend he deigns to see you

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