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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP is being unfair to leave me almost every weekend

107 replies

music88888 · 05/08/2018 12:56

DP has a hobby, and while he's done it since the beginning of the relationship, since we moved in together about a year ago it's become much more frequent. It used to be 1 whole weekend a month and another odd day. Now it's 2 whole weekends a month, and 2 single days days. He is even going away on my birthday! It's become an obsessions. Sometimes he's taking part, other times he's running events.

This leaves only TWO weekend days to spend together a month, and I'm tired of it. We live in a flat, in a semi-rural area, and my famly live quite a distance away. I don't have many friends, and the ones I have also live far away to just randomly see every weekend. I drive, but I am quite a nervous driver and don't like driving too far away or places I don't know well (triggers anxiety and panic when I'm on unknown roads alone). Plus, the places round here are very samey and I'm bored of going to coffee shops, shopping, walks, etc alone. Also, the train service is almost unsuable on Sundays.

I'm becoming very very bored and lonely, spending almost every weekend alone. I read, watch TV, run errands but it really does get dull to do it so often. He says I should stop relying on him so much, but is it so much to ask to want to do something with your partner on valued weekends after a long week at work?

AIBU to be upset about this, and think he's BU to leave me on my own so much?

And no, we don't have children yet. But he's said if we ever have them, he will still want to do this hobby at the same frequency he is now.

OP posts:
Charolais · 05/08/2018 13:56

Is this hobby something you could take part in?

RomanyRoots · 05/08/2018 13:58

You do need to build your own life up, I agree.
Do you have friends from work you could meet up with occasionally?
However, YANBU to want to spend time with your partner when you have both been working all week.
Does he do his share that's 50% of household chores?
I would be upset if my dh did this tbh, he dropped hobbies once we became a partnership/family.
It's sad he doesn't want to spend time with you, it would make me assess the whole relationship.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 13:59

He is telling you loud and clear that his hobby means more to him than you do
No he isn’t,he actually hasn’t said that. He has said he’ll maintain hobby at same frequency
If op wants to know where she stands with regard to relationship she needs to ask him

PrivateDoor · 05/08/2018 14:00

You have given up a lot moving away from family and friends. I think the best thing would probably be for you to move back and see how the relationship goes. Unfortunately it sounds like he isn't the one op.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 05/08/2018 14:04

It's up to him how he spends his life - if he'd rather spend it on his hobby than with you, you know where you stand with him, and it's up to you to decide if you want that or not. If not, move on, for your own sanity - he won't change, and there's no reason why he "should". He needs someone who has their own life, and their own things to do. You need someone who is more inclined to spend time with you. Different things work for different people and all that.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 14:04

There is no the one. There’s probably many ones.its a cliche that holds people to a romantic fantasy

DistanceCall · 05/08/2018 14:05

There's two different things going on here, I think. Although they're probably interrelated.

On the one hand, yes, may be spending too much time on his hobby, whatever it is (I wish people would say - it's really not that identifying). It depends how much time you spend together during the week, though - if you spend hours together every single day, it may not be so much.

On the other hand, it sounds like you have no interests of your own. That's really not good. In a good relationship, people have their own separate lives too.

If he's keener on his hobby than on spending time with you in general, or on having kids with you (and spending time with them), then I really can't see much of a future for this relationship.

AveABanana · 05/08/2018 14:10

He's not Mr Right, is he? And at the moment he's barely being Mr Right Now.

He's told you that if you ever have kids this will be your life. If that's not what you want, then dump him. Now. And get driving!

HeddaGarbled · 05/08/2018 14:14

I’m afraid that you’ve fallen into that classic women’s trap of being a trailing “spouse”. You’ve moved away from family, friends and the amenities you need to sit at home waiting for your man while he lives his life entirely to his satisfaction.

You need to create your life to your satisfaction too. Write a list - what do you need in your life to be happy? Having your partner at home more may be top of your list, but there has to be more as well. You might not be able to make the first happen, but there will be other things that you can make happen. And once some of those are in place you may find a semi-present partner is surplus to requirements.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 14:15

Op stop looking to your partner for stimulation,company,.sort yourself out
Practice driving. Book lessons with an instructor who teaches anxious drivers
And have an open frank discussion where is relationship going,what do you both want
You’re a bored,lonely frustrated adult.you don’t want to be a bored lonely frustrated parent

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 14:22

@LipstickHandbagCoffee how is wanting to spend more than two days a month with a partner drippy? DH and I have separate interests, hobbies and friends, but surely if you're with someone you like their company and going out and doing things together? Two days a month to do things as a couple is not good, especially when he's out from 4am until 9pm which will also impact the night before. I agree the OPs driving anxiety is not down to the partner, but what's the point of them actually being together, other than him getting someone to do his cooking, cleaning and errands while he does his hobby?

Whatthefoxgoingon · 05/08/2018 14:24

There’s a big difference in couples who have individual interests that they pursue apart, and one person abandoning the other to do something without the other. The first is healthy, the second is selfish. DH and I have hobbies, we try to do them at the same time if at all possible so one of us isn’t left at home resenting the other. Doesn’t always work but we try. Because we really don’t want to miss out on valuable time together.

If someone is actively pursuing a lot of time without you, ask yourself why. I know a couple like this. They spend at least every other weekend apart, and work opposite shifts during the weekdays. Like ships passing in the night. It’s very very obvious they aren’t close at all. I wouldn’t call this a healthy relationship. You know you’re with the right person when you’re just as happy pottering around Ikea as high rolling in Monte Carlo. Please don’t settle for anything less!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 14:27

It’s drippy to be sat at home,waiting.having made no other plans,waiting
It’s the passivity of it,she waits, he participates.and she’s annoyed he’s not there

Bibesia · 05/08/2018 14:28

He's told you that if you have children he will opt out of parenting and will put his own wishes ahead of his children's welfare. That's not a man I would want to have children with.

hammeringinmyhead · 05/08/2018 14:30

Well seeing as my post was in reply to someone saying what would one do with a partner anyway apart from gaze at each other, I dunno how you got from that that I think partners should be together 24/7.

ilovesooty · 05/08/2018 14:31

Whatever you decide to do about this relationship it should be a priority for you to work on your confidence driving and develop some hobbies and interests.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 14:32

Ahh now children thats wholly different.being a parent is compromise & change
Becoming a parent is the suspension of individual life preferences to accommodate your child/family
He’s clearly signalling he doesn’t want to change.op shouldn’t hope/wish for change
Op needs to decide is this how she envisaged being a parent,raising kids

dollydelightful · 05/08/2018 14:33

I agree with Pp who says there are 2 separate things going on

  1. You are with someone who is not willing to devote a reasonable amount of time to your relationship. He's also confirmed that he had no intention of changing this. Believe him.
  2. It also sounds like your life is missing something. Hobbies/ friendships/ stimulating activities outside your primary relationship? How can you address this gap? Counselling might help....

I personally don't feel like addressing number 2 will resolve number 1 - I think you're with the wrong person. Sounds like he just wants someone to be there when he's got a scrap of time to fit you in.

hammeringinmyhead · 05/08/2018 14:34

And frankly it is possible to have friends but find that they themselves are busy with family on weekends!

Lucyccfc · 05/08/2018 14:36

My DH and I had the same hobby prior to marriage and a child (different teams though).

We got married and had DS and guess who still thought he could carry on with his hobby every weekend whilst I stayed at home to look after DS?

I put up with it for 2 years, realised he was not going to put me or his DS first and threw him out.

Your DP sounds like a selfish arse, just like my ex.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 05/08/2018 14:40

I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who was solely there because he was obligated to help with child rearing either.... if they don’t want to be with you, dump them. You don’t have to be joined at the hip but you don’t have to settle for coming last on the priority list either.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 14:41

Counselling is mn panacea for all angst.
Who’ll pay the counselling?op?jointly with dp?gp referral?private practice

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/08/2018 14:43

Don't bother with counselling,

The guy has made himself perfectly clear, he is in no way not being honest with you op. He has said nothing's going to change, the choice is all yours.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2018 14:44

I think it's just basic incompatibility. He wants to prioritize his hobby, you want to prioritize time together. Neither of you are 'wrong', you just want different things. I think you need to sit him down and tell him just that. And that you have decided to end the relationship. He doesn't need to change, neither do you. You both just need to find someone else. Someone who prioritizes the same things you do.

DH has a life long hobby that took a great deal of his weekend time. Luckily it was seasonal (late Spring-early Autumn). BUT he usually kept it to ONE weekend day and usually managed to be home in the evening. Occasionally he would be gone overnight with it. The difference is that I had friends and family in the area AND that I tend to really enjoy time on my own. We had children early on (whirlwind courtship/marriage) and I also enjoyed 'having them to myself' of a Saturday or Sunday.

SimonBridges · 05/08/2018 14:46

And no, we don't have children yet. But he's said if we ever have them, he will still want to do this hobby at the same frequency he is now.

Do not have children with him.

He will get loads of child free time doing his thing while you will be stuck indoors entertaining a child. Fuck that.