Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I work full-time"

79 replies

Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 20:59

My partner has recently started saying "I work full-time" as an excuse to do nothing around the house. I have managed to ignore it...... Until tonight when I lost it!!! I work 19 hours, we have 3 children, I do everything...... Everything..... In our house. I make sure he has a healthy meal ready for when He gets home. All I refuse to do is pick up his dirty laundry off the floor and put in laundry basket. He sometimes puts washing on in the morning, if I have left it outside bathroom door in a basket (if it's not in a basket he doesn't do it). Im fed up of being his mother and I have told him this.
He leaves for work tomorrow (hasn't worked away for 3 years). His jeans wasn't washed, his work trousers weren't washed. So he put a load on (left a pair of dirty wash trousers out). Decided he would iron himself which was fine, I picked up some shirts tht were airing off and said 'r u taking all your shirts' and got a really sarky reply. I said 'fine just please yourself, could u do the other few things to iron' to which he replied........ "I work full time"!!!!! To which I said don't start that s**t with me, I work part time and do everything else. He then said 'I pay every bill in this house'. (for info, this is MY house, I bought both our cars, I bought our new caravan, I bought all our furniture, windows, the suitcase he's taking tomorrow(!!!!!!!!) basically everything of any expense as he is terrible with money, and I never throw this at him because its all ours).
How would you react if your other half said this? What should I reply? I lost it and totally became childish because I was so angry. Every month we put money into a joint account, it pays everything (Xmas, fuel, food, bills, etc) he does put in a lot more than me but he earns a lot more than me (he's in oil, I'm a receptionist). He still has A LOT more to himself a month than I do (about 6 times as much) so it's not like he is being drained of his money!
I just need some comebacks for when he fires this at me. I'm so angry and upset right now!
Tia xx

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 04/08/2018 21:02

Your partner sounds sexist.

You say DP not DH: unless you have lots of money the best thing you could do would be to work FT too, for your personal financial future.

gandalf456 · 04/08/2018 21:07

It's his home, too, and his family, too You are there for childcare. You are not the maid. Sure, you don't mInd doing a bit more since you are there more but everything? Perhaps suggest giving up work if that is what he expects?

Having a family creates a bunch.more work and there is only so.much 1 person can do before becoming exhausted. I would give up tryi g to.be fair and just do what you can/are prepared to do and leave the rest to him..If he doesn't like it, he can always step up himself

Original poster
Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 21:10

I couldn't cope working full time with 3 kids.... I don't think we would be finiancially better off as I would need to pay childcare. Not sure if sexist is right, it's more like 'I don't have to as I contribute in other ways' but the way I see it is I put money in too and I also do everything else! I wonder if I should just pass the responsibility of making sure bills are paid, insurances are renewed, etc to him..... Since he pays them!!!!!!! Angry

OP posts:
Pebblesandfriends · 04/08/2018 21:10

He works full time. Fine. You work part time. If he's going to be like that about 'work' then work out how much of a percentage he works compared to you and he can do that much of the home stuff even if you work 2.5 days to his 5 he can do 50% around the house. He needs to remember you are his wife not housekeeper.

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 04/08/2018 21:12

This is exactly like my oh, I work longer than 19 hours but still not full time and my oh does nothing around the house to the point where now he doesn’t even tidy up after himself. It makes me so angry

Original poster
Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 21:15

Exactly..... I'm not the maid!! His mother did everything for him so I guess he's never had to do it, its so bad he will take a tshirt out of drawer, decide he doesn't want that one, put it down (not back in the drawer) , take another out, put it on and leave drawer open!
I don't grudge making tea, hanging washing, putting it away, ironing, hoovering, etc. I do mind having to tidy up after him, I do mind him only ironing his clothes or washing his own things. It's selfish, it's rude and just not being a family member!
Ideas what to reply to 'I work full time'?!!!

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 04/08/2018 21:16

Quite. I couldn't either and I have 2 children. I work 27 hrs some weeks and it kills me. I gave up trying to so it all because it turned me into a banshee. For the first time in ages, Ive had some time off and I feel completely different. It made me realise how.much doing it all affected me.

Presumably, it suits him that you are at home some of the time and it was an agreement and I assume he benefits from your wage, too. If you did work full time, either he would step up or you'd have to employ someone to do it.

He is treating you like an employee that is not on

Singlenotsingle · 04/08/2018 21:17

How much would he have to pay a housekeeper, nanny, cleaner etc to keep the house running smoothly? Probably more than he earns..

gandalf456 · 04/08/2018 21:20

Clearing up after you is a full time job on top of already working part time

JennyHolzersGhost · 04/08/2018 21:22

How exactly would he manage to work away from home if you weren’t there to look after the kids ? Perhaps you could point that out to him. His career success is partly down to the compromises you are making with your job.

JennyHolzersGhost · 04/08/2018 21:24

Your answer to him is ‘I work approx 100 hours a week, part time it is paid and the rest of the time it is for an ungrateful shit who doesn’t have the slightest clue how to behave like an adult who has family responsibilities’.

Copperbonnet · 04/08/2018 21:26

I don’t work and my DH wouldn’t ever say that to me in a million years.

And he’d competently pack his own suitcase too.

parklives · 04/08/2018 21:27

What Jenny just said (but I'm a gobby woman!) Smile

Lindalee3 · 04/08/2018 21:30

Your DH sounds like a nobhead.

You'd be better off as a single mother!

Original poster
Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 21:30

I work 19 hours over 3 days, he prob works 60-70 hours a week, I don't expect him to do much but I do want him to empty the bin if he sees it's full, cut the grass, take his dirty washing the 7 steps from the bedroom to the bathroom, hang his jacket up instead of over the des chair, put his plate in the dishwasher and turn it on! I honestly don't think I'm asking that much! But to get 'I work full time' thrown at me because I asked him to iron his daughters clothes as he had the iron out (he didn't know we had a new one, it's at least a year old and asked where it was kept),its just disgusting..... I told him this! Arghhhh so angry!! Like working full time is more important than what I do..... Makes him more important?!
Thanks everyone, I will try to calm down and speak to him like an adult..... In 13 days when he's home! Wink

OP posts:
ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 04/08/2018 21:33

60-70 hours per week is a lot, though. My partner and I work 37-40 hours a week EACH and we barely find time to squeeze in housework with family stuff

LeeValley2 · 04/08/2018 21:33

Are you married? If not get married ASAP.

Parker231 · 04/08/2018 21:35

Why do you not have the same personal money ?

Original poster
Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 21:35

Yes jenny, this is what I'm going to say when I next talk to him. He's sleeping downstairs, I through his pillow down.... I paid for our bed! So adult of me! Wink
Lindalee, financially I'd be OK on my own, I know this but actually this is the only thing that we have argued about. I agree he can be a total knobhead at times but mostly he's OK!

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 04/08/2018 21:41

I don't work...dh pays the bills.whats left is half each....why does he have more money than you?

LeftRightCentre · 04/08/2018 21:42

I don't think we would be finiancially better off as I would need to pay childcare.

And he would not? If you are unmarried, I wouldn't work just PT with a partner like this.

Wittow · 04/08/2018 21:47

@Leevalley2 why would she be better off married??

Original poster
Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 21:48

OK so the whole not talking hasn't work, I've told him I will work 21 hours (taking me to full time hours) in the house which I will bill him for (in anger I won't do this... Altho I may make up an invoice 😂). I've now got a thumping headache from shouting! What an asshole

OP posts:
Original poster
Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 21:51

I won't be marrying him with an attitude like this! I'm considering my whole future! If he says it ever again, he's gone....its probably the lowest thing someone could say to me, I work hard at work and to keep my family, and to me this is a total sign of disrespect, I'm not going there! I also screamed that I hope he reflects on what he has said....

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 04/08/2018 21:52

YANBU. I work 22 hours over 3 days and my dh work full time and earns twice as much as me. We have 4 kids although they are all teenagers but still need a lot doing for them. My dh is very good and despite having chronic health conditions he does a lot of the cooking, gardening, today he did two hours ironing and the shopping and cooked the tea. I sometimes feel a bit lazy but I tire really easily and couldn't cope with full time. We both work equally hard I do a second job sometimes at weekends . When our kids were younger we worked round each other and dh has always had to look after the 4 kids at weekends and do everything .

Swipe left for the next trending thread