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AIBU?

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Original poster

"I work full-time"

79 replies

Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 20:59

My partner has recently started saying "I work full-time" as an excuse to do nothing around the house. I have managed to ignore it...... Until tonight when I lost it!!! I work 19 hours, we have 3 children, I do everything...... Everything..... In our house. I make sure he has a healthy meal ready for when He gets home. All I refuse to do is pick up his dirty laundry off the floor and put in laundry basket. He sometimes puts washing on in the morning, if I have left it outside bathroom door in a basket (if it's not in a basket he doesn't do it). Im fed up of being his mother and I have told him this.
He leaves for work tomorrow (hasn't worked away for 3 years). His jeans wasn't washed, his work trousers weren't washed. So he put a load on (left a pair of dirty wash trousers out). Decided he would iron himself which was fine, I picked up some shirts tht were airing off and said 'r u taking all your shirts' and got a really sarky reply. I said 'fine just please yourself, could u do the other few things to iron' to which he replied........ "I work full time"!!!!! To which I said don't start that s**t with me, I work part time and do everything else. He then said 'I pay every bill in this house'. (for info, this is MY house, I bought both our cars, I bought our new caravan, I bought all our furniture, windows, the suitcase he's taking tomorrow(!!!!!!!!) basically everything of any expense as he is terrible with money, and I never throw this at him because its all ours).
How would you react if your other half said this? What should I reply? I lost it and totally became childish because I was so angry. Every month we put money into a joint account, it pays everything (Xmas, fuel, food, bills, etc) he does put in a lot more than me but he earns a lot more than me (he's in oil, I'm a receptionist). He still has A LOT more to himself a month than I do (about 6 times as much) so it's not like he is being drained of his money!
I just need some comebacks for when he fires this at me. I'm so angry and upset right now!
Tia xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 23:18

@purdyschocolate, well said, that's it exactly. I have never thrown the fact I have paid for these things at him until tonight. That's certainly made me think.
@shouldwestayorshouldwego I won't be marrying him for a long while, this has made me question everything. I have thought before that he would benefit living alone before as he can't do anything for himself. Myself and the kids went on holiday (he was unable to come), he only had himself to look after..... The house was a tip, I arrived home, jetlagged and already emotional and I cried. I couldn't believe it. I really thought he'd have made an effort but he was busy was what I was told! Urgh. Next couple weeks will give me time to re-evaluate and I hope he does the same,i imagine not, he is never wrong. Out of 17 years I have had maybe 3 apologies from him! Thanks everyone. Has made me realise I was right in thinking it wasn't a normal or acceptable thing to stay. So no matter how bad he makes me feel for going crazy, I know it was justified!😘

OP posts:
DrWhy · 04/08/2018 23:26

It’s not normal or acceptable. DH and I are both in the oil industry and tbf I can see how he has got sucked into doing those hours. So many people have been made redundant that now things are starting to pick up slightly some parts of the business are totally overloaded. BUT, he has to push back if his workload is taking him nearly double his contracted hours. I know several couples where both are in the same industry and if we all worked those hours nursery would have called social services the first time their child wasn’t collected on time! Your part time working and running the home is enabling his bonkers hours.
He needs to cut down his work hours and start pulling his weight at home or be very grateful that you facilitate his work and treat you with respect for that.
I think PPs are suggesting marriage so that you are entitled to a share of his savings/assets if you split, if you have proof that things like the car and furniture are yours anyway then this might be less of an issue.

LockedOutOfMN · 04/08/2018 23:40

He is BVU.

Original poster
Kukiekoo · 04/08/2018 23:42

@drwhy he is overworked, I tell him this, he falls out with me, I have given up. He has no assets or any savings (he puts 200 into joint account that I put away for him as he doesn't bother himself..... He doesn't have a savings account). I won't marry because I believe marriage is for life, I'm not sure this is and he's def not getting half of my investments!

OP posts:
JustHereForThePooStories · 04/08/2018 23:56

Are the children his?

Do you own your home outright, or is it mortgaged?
Has he been contributing towards a mortgage on your home?

What are his good points? Why are you willing to keep him around?

RomanyRoots · 05/08/2018 00:05

i couldn't have put up with him for 17 mins never mind years.
Why have you put up with this for so long.
He's sexist, doesn't appreciate you, is selfish, and uses you because you are a soft touch for money.

LeeValley2 · 05/08/2018 03:15

Wittow because unmarried with 3 kids you are financially vulnerable.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 05/08/2018 05:03

Although to be fair in the OP she states that she has bought everything of value so it is the partner who will leave the relationship with nothing so in this case the OP would be more financially vulnerable if she married him.

triwarrior · 05/08/2018 05:13

Honestly - I think I he had a point. Ge works 40 hours a week and you work 19? You should be doing most, if not all, of the household chores. Should you be sharing childcare after work/at weekends? Absolutely. And he may be a prick with regard to other things - but if I was getting home at 5 every night and my spouse was getting home at 1:30 or 2:00 - I’d be very unimpressed if I was asked to make dinner and/or do laundry.

triwarrior · 05/08/2018 05:15

So he works 60-70 hours a week to your 19? Do the man’s laundry, for goodness sake.

offupop · 05/08/2018 05:19

If you work 19 hrs a week, how do you afford your own property, buying the furniture,cars etc that he doesn't pay for?

If he's paying your mortgage now, he has a claim on your property. I'd revise that pretty quick and get back to work full time and equal childcare bills.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2018 05:45

I agree with the pp. His paying your mortgage means he will have a claim on your home. My dh worked crazy hours too until a few weeks ago. He still managed to do a lot of stuff around the house as I’m disabled. If he treated me as yours is treating you I’d have a few choice words. Before we had dd I used to do almost everything for him. If he ever just expected we would have had serious words. Well done for sticking up for yourself. I’m glad you are considering whether or not this is a worthwhile relationship. Dh and I have had some very rocky patches. If he can modify his views and act like an adult, maybe you can save things.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 05/08/2018 05:52

You shouldn’t be picking his plate and laundry up after him

Weekends should be 50-50.

Coyoacan · 05/08/2018 05:53

If he cut down to a normal amount of hours and you stepped up to full-time, he could take on some of the chores

Just goes to show where Harshbuttrue is coming from. According to this, even if the OP and this man worked the same number of hours, all he would have to do is help with some of the chores.

And obviously in this case, the OP would be the financial loser if she got married. At least at the moment, she has a house and two cars.

littlelamplighter · 05/08/2018 05:59

OP, my exDH used to speak to me like this. This is one of the reasons why he is my ex. I did not want our children growing up thinking that the unpaid work at home was a woman's job.

I now work FT. When we split he had the 3 DCs every other weekend. - he could 't cope with more than that.

I was so satisfied when he used to complain to me how exhausting it was and how hard it was to run a house on his own (with 12 out of 14 days with no children around) Grin.

The DCs are older now and it is easier and they stay with 5 out of 14 days more. But he still relies on me to do at lot of unpaid child related work organising school uniform, permission slips, homework, parent teacher meetings (has never been to a single one), birthday parties, sport (he needs me to take them even if they are staying with him), haircuts, medical appointments (when they are with him) etc.

I now work FT in a much more demanding role than he has. It is still evident that he sees certain things as 'women's work'.

I'm just glad I left when I did.....

littlelamplighter · 05/08/2018 06:07

Also, I am regularly asked at work how I manage working FT with 3DCS (they often assume I am married so they are asking me as mother not as a single parent). I usually say something like "you mean how do I do it on top of my other wifely duties?' Grin . Do you think men ever get asked this?

littlelamplighter · 05/08/2018 06:10

One year he even asked me two days before Christmas if he could give me some money and I could say the presents I had saved for and bought weeks previously were from him as well.....he hadn't been bothered to organise this for himself! I said no.....

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2018 06:16

Bloody hell littlelamp what a useless lump!

daisychain01 · 05/08/2018 06:19

He is taking you for granted that you'll always be there to pick up his dirty underwear and be his life manager.

Does he actually do 60-70 hours a week of work, or are you counting from the moment he steps out of your front door until the time he walks over the threshold at height. If it's the latter, then he's not such a hero as he thinks he is - so 6am to 6 pm is actually only 7 until 5 which is a cushy number if that's all he expects to do in his life and leaves everything else to you.

You can't fix his engrained attitude, if he feels so entitled in life, especially if it all started with his mum running around after him for years, you aren't going to fix that problem.

I couldn't live with or put up with someone like that, I'd become resentful and angry.

daisychain01 · 05/08/2018 06:20

Oops - at night.

Magpiefeather · 05/08/2018 06:55

Oh OP this sounds like it has really ground you down and I can see why!! How utterly disrespectful. He is supposed to be your supportive partner, on the same “team” as you and yet he really is treating you like an unpaid skivvy.

I would sit down with him in a calm moment when he is back, and basically have a Big Talk along the lines of “the way you’re treating me is really and truly hurting me, as is the fact that you will not listen or try to understand when I talk to you about it.” Tell him how you feel and set out what you would like to do to try and save the relationship. Spell it out that unless he steps up and his attitude changes, you can’t continue like this. Not exactly an ultimatum, one step before that. I’d also throw in the fact that it makes him utterly unattractive sexually and you’re finding it difficult to be up for having sex with such a selfish man. That the biggest turn on is feeling loved, respected and supported in everyday life and currently you are so far from that it’s ridiculous. Not putting words in your mouth, you might not feel like that at all but it might be a good reality check for him!!

Loopytiles · 05/08/2018 08:24

You sound naive about the negative financial implications for you personally of not being married and working PT.

Your DP became a parent too and as well as getting to be a parent is still building his career and earnings, facilitated by you, at your personal expense. He is further facilitated by you doing all the domestic work.

If / when you split up because of his behaviour, his money will all be his. You will have assets you paid for - if you have the records to prove it.

As for not being able to afford childcare, it’d be far better for you for his earnings to pay for more childcare and to build up your earning power.

AngelsSins · 05/08/2018 08:35

So he works 60-70 hours a week to your 19? Do the man’s laundry, for goodness sake

Oh so working long hours means you can treat your partner like a skivvy and leave your dirt you pants on the floor for her to pick up?!

MirriVan · 05/08/2018 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kukiekoo · 05/08/2018 12:52

Argh just typed a huge reply to everyone then pressed wrong button!!!!
I'm far from naive..... Everything is mine, he would get half. I wouldn't get nothing from him. He does not pay my mortgage, my mortgage is paid, by myself. If we split up, I will 100% manage on my own, I may not earn a lot but I will manage.
To the person who said I should be doing everything.... I do! I just wish he would take his dirty washing to the laundry basket, that's all I really ask.
My issue was him saying 'I work full time' like it's more important than what I do, it was degrading disrespectful.
I have asked him not to contact me for the time he's away. He needs to learn how to apologise for the way he has treated me, he never apologises.... His mother, father and sister are exactly the same. We will see how this unfolds!

OP posts: