"I work full-time"

[Kukiekoo]

My partner has recently started saying "I work full-time" as an excuse to do nothing around the house. I have managed to ignore it...... Until tonight when I lost it!!! I work 19 hours, we have 3 children, I do everything...... Everything..... In our house. I make sure he has a healthy meal ready for when He gets home. All I refuse to do is pick up his dirty laundry off the floor and put in laundry basket. He sometimes puts washing on in the morning, if I have left it outside bathroom door in a basket (if it's not in a basket he doesn't do it). Im fed up of being his mother and I have told him this.
He leaves for work tomorrow (hasn't worked away for 3 years). His jeans wasn't washed, his work trousers weren't washed. So he put a load on (left a pair of dirty wash trousers out). Decided he would iron himself which was fine, I picked up some shirts tht were airing off and said 'r u taking all your shirts' and got a really sarky reply. I said 'fine just please yourself, could u do the other few things to iron' to which he replied........ "I work full time"!!!!! To which I said don't start that s**t with me, I work part time and do everything else. He then said 'I pay every bill in this house'. (for info, this is MY house, I bought both our cars, I bought our new caravan, I bought all our furniture, windows, the suitcase he's taking tomorrow(!!!!!!!!) basically everything of any expense as he is terrible with money, and I never throw this at him because its all ours).
How would you react if your other half said this? What should I reply? I lost it and totally became childish because I was so angry. Every month we put money into a joint account, it pays everything (Xmas, fuel, food, bills, etc) he does put in a lot more than me but he earns a lot more than me (he's in oil, I'm a receptionist). He still has A LOT more to himself a month than I do (about 6 times as much) so it's not like he is being drained of his money!
I just need some comebacks for when he fires this at me. I'm so angry and upset right now!
Tia xx

I could have written your post OP. I work 20 hours a week, DH works full time. 2 DS (early teens). He does some long days but this is balanced out by earlier finishes. I do everything in the house bar cutting the lawn (I can’t start the mower) and he is handy at DIY when he can be arsed. But all the day to day stuff is me. If ever I have a go at him about just helping a bit, I get “I’ll do housework when you work full time”. But I’m often still ironing, doing paperwork, getting next day’s stuff ready well into the evening while he relaxes. To be fair since I had a massive meltdown about it a few months ago he has done a bit more, but always seems to need to congratulations for e.g. putting the bins out or putting some clothes away all by himself.

Your DP needs to woman the fuck up. He is being a sexist pig. I work around 50 hours a week, currently 22 weeks pg, HG pregnancy. Husband also works full time and we have DS8. No local family to help but fab childminder. We split housework tasks. Wouldn't keep everything running if each of us didn't do our bit.

I had a friend with a DH like this. Funnily enough he was in the oil industry too.

She did everything in the home (and worked full time in the NHS).

On the day she decided to divorce him he was heading back to the middle east. He insisted she pack him up with all his shirts folded in tissue paper, which she did. However, she'd cut the back out every single one of them first.

He came home to an empty house 3 months later.

Genuinely, if this were me my response would be telling him to get the fuck out of my house and not to come back.

Life's too short and filled with too many unavoidably crap things to be treated like a skivvy by the person who's supposed to love you and care for you and be your fucking partner.

You know being married means figuring these things out. Not moaning to Mumsnet about what an arse your partner is. Maybe he's stressed about leaving you for a few days. Maybe you could be kinder and support him. It's not always about who says what. Sometimes it's what they don't say that's important.

How exactly would he manage to work away from home if you weren’t there to look after the kids ? Perhaps you could point that out to him. His career success is partly down to the compromises you are making with your job.

This. He's v. lucky that you're willing to make compromises in your own career so he doesn't need to worry about day-to-day family life. So many parents have to try and balance both.

Doing a few things around the house won't kill him - you're a family team!

If you've bought everything significant, house, cars, caravan etc, where does his money go apart from on bills? What does he do with it?
I like Jenny's response.

He works 60-70 hours a week??? Is this his choice, or is he being forced to do this out of financial necessity because you are only part-time? 60-70 hours of work outside the home is WAY too much for anyone's physical or mental health, and he must never get to see his kids. To be honest, if I was working this amount of hours and my partner was doing 19, I would expect pretty much to be waited on hand and foot. If he cut down to a normal amount of hours and you stepped up to full-time, he could take on some of the chores.

That's not on. There needs to be mutual respect for what both of you bring to the home. Maybe have a sit down and chat when the dust has settled.

Haha haha harassedmum.... as I said I don't mind doing these things, I'm a mum but I'm not being disrespected like that! I wondered other people's views Nd what they would reply to that as I was taken aback. Thanks for you're comment tho but I support him 100% and am extremely proud of the things we have overcome in our life and for what he has achieved but I still don't need to stand to be disregarded like that. Scroll on.
Relocationrelocation...... He has nearly my whole wage to himself, all the money that we put away monthly pays for everything, my savings have bought those bigger items, a kitchen too, (I had my house before I was with him). He never used to think like this, I don't get it and I don't knowhow to handle it!

Harsh but true. He chooses this. His hours are 830 to 4. He works from about 6 until 6. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. U think its OK to expect someone to pick up your dirty underwear off the floor?! Or to put ur dirty plate on top of the dishwasher when u could put it in? The other day the door was even open and he still didn't put it in?! That is literally all I ask him to do!! I was helping with his suitcase tonight too. I do wait on him hand and foot, but does that mean him saying 'I work full time' is OK?! Coz from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed I am doing something to help my family.

@harrassedmum18 sometimes it's moaning on MN that finally motivates people to actually do something about it. Quite often we don't realise that our life isn't normal until other people point out that working 3/4 hours looking after about twelve billion children juggling school runs and medical appointments while doing all the housework and cooking is actually a very big ask. Especially if father of said children walzes in about 6 hoping for a meal and a polite cuddle from his offspring before they decorously go to bed.

I should say he doesn't get paid overtime. If he did his 830 to 4 he would get the same money as he will doing 6am t 10pm (which he did last week)

Sorry 3/4 hours should have read 75% working hours, ie back at paid employment.

argh about 12 x posts...

Why doesn't he get overtime???

Ok he works full time. He gets bloody paid for it! If its your house and you aren't married I'd not rush to marry him.

@leevalley (I'm not sure how to tag people!!) we put money into account, it covers absolutely everything, what's left from our wages Is ours. We don't put 50/50 in to the account so he puts more in. What is left is ours. He nearly has left what my whole wage is. He says it's not enough.

@alpacalypse salaried so no overtime

OP- I am a single Mum who works full time and brings up 2 DCs.

We are currently in the process of "blending" two families.

If my EX or current DP said that a steel toe capped boot up the arse is in the offing. I do the child care for feckless ex, I do the out of school activiites my clenaing is suspect, my food is 90% home cooked and I am dying on my feet, every day.

If some CF excuse for a partner sad that to me he would not be around for long!!

Seriously, Dad with Partner who works FT/PT etc need to contirbute.

Your post made me calculate hours in my home to see if it was fair that I expect my dh to do jobs in the home.

He works 35 hours over 4 days on the 5th day he does childcare (We have a 1 year old) so he technically does 44 hours.

I work 25 hours and childcare on 2 days..so technically 43 hours.

This is calculated from when one person leaves the house and coming home.

However... when I get home from work on my 3 days I take over childcare putting little one to bed etc. So in reality I do more hours of work and childcare combined...

Ergo... I don't think it's unfair of me to ask dh to cook, do washing, mow lawn.

When we got married we did a marriage course and went through household duties and decided it was quite fair with the split.

Therefore I don't think yabu. He chooses to do additional hours instead of being home with his family and looking after the home.

Don't get me wrong I sometimes have to shout at dh and point out that the cleaning fairies aren't coming in so he Needs to get off his arse and help as it's his home too but that usually works.

If a man said that to me our relationship would be over because it indicates a complete lack of respect for me or appreciation for the work that I do.

As it happens I'm a SAHM so don't work at all. We have two young children. DH works full time. He does almost all of the cooking, he does the washing up, he goes to the shop, he does laundry, he does bedtime with the toddler, and he lets me sleep in on days he's home because I'm up in the night with the baby. He contributes to family life and values the work that I do.

I think your boyfriend (can't really bring myself to call him your partner) has it made. From what you've said, he works as much as he likes with no impact on his home life. He drives home in a car someone else paid for to a home someone else paid for and that someone else cleans (for free!) His dinner is made and his laundry is done and he doesn't have to lift a finger. He has 3 children but as he likes to stay at work he doesn't have to bother with much daily parenting or even seeing them some days. Home is comfortable (furnished by someone else) and there is someone to run after him and have sex with. He contributes to bills but gets more disposable income than anyone else in the family. What a life!

If you own your own home and major assets are in your name don't marry him. Sounds as if he would benefit from living alone for a bit and learning what it is like to look after yourself.

I think he shows an enormous lack of respect and I would be doing nothing for him.

Point out that if you were not there providing sometimes 100% childcare he would not be able to work away presumably earning a fairly large salary.

I think I would have trouble envisaging a future with him. How you handle it is to give him an ultimatum. Either he has a good think about how he is taking you for granted or her leaves your house. He will also need to be paying you child maintenance. Really what does he bring to your life? He does not help out at home, he is rubbish with money and unkind to you. I am struggling to see why you want to put up with that.

Jesus, I’d have buried him under the patio before now. What A Twat.

Him working longer hours doesnt benefit any of you, but certainly not you.

Why on earth do you allow him to have more ‘personal’ money than you? You’re not working full time because you’re looking after HIS kids. The money should be split equally.

I’d be reassessing the relationship, I’d be back at work full time and the childcare bill would be being paid by him, if weren’t sharing money equally.