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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just let my 16 year old move out? Help!

87 replies

MyNameIsFartacus · 04/08/2018 14:27

More of a WWYD than an AIBU I suppose but here I go.... My 16 year old DD has just announced she is moving out because I won't give her any money (beyond stuff for basics - i.e. she wanted money to go to wetherspoons for lunch this afternoon and I said no) and I won't find her a job. Currently packing and has just told me to F Off and leave her alone. For info, she spends most of her time at her GF's house.

Just don't know if I'm on the right track - I have offered to help her fill out application forms for jobs but so far she has not produced one, (I have sent her numerous links for suitable jobs), she will not take advice from me on this either (not that I've been in the workforce for 25 years or anything). She also does nothing except tell me what a shit mother I am with one breath while asking for money with the other. Since she has finished her GCSEs I have paid for her to go on holiday with her GF and family but told her that I fully expected her to try to get a job when she came back and that I wouldn't be funding her to basically sit around and do nothing- it has now been weeks and nothing, she has committed herself financially to a couple of things and I think is now feeling stressed about it.

She tells me I'm selfish for not helping her more, am I? I think I give all help that is reasonable but what she actually wants it to be treated like a baby - she has no work ethic at all. Some may say it's harsh, but in all honesty she does NOTHING to help me out at all, basically smokes a lot of weed at her GF's house and that's it.

OP posts:
GreenMeerkat · 04/08/2018 14:30

Where is she planning to go?

She's seen her arse cause you won't give her money and do things for her but nobody else is going to either, 'moving out' is only going to make things harder for herself and she will soon come to realise this. Provided she isn't going to live on the streets or in a hostel (I assume gf's house), I would let her go and that life isn't given to you on a plate. She'll soon be back.

immortalmarble · 04/08/2018 14:31

Sixteen is very young to be looking for full time work.

I do appreciate you have a difficult situation here but I’d try to keep her home if possible.

GreenMeerkat · 04/08/2018 14:31

to learn life isn't given to you on a plate* that was supposed to say

huggybear · 04/08/2018 14:32

Where did you get full-time work from?

Yes she absolutely should get a job and she shouldn't be smoking weed! How is she buying that?

GreenMeerkat · 04/08/2018 14:34

@immortalmarble is it?

16 year olds who choose apprenticeships rather than continuing education go straight into full time work after school.

immortalmarble · 04/08/2018 14:38

Yes, I suppose so, but it’s still sort of supported work isn’t it - I know what I mean! Grin

And obviously that suits some but I’m just thinking if this was my DD she might prefer college.

HirplesWithHaggis · 04/08/2018 14:39

How is she going to pay rent, bills, and feed herself without a job?

GreenMeerkat · 04/08/2018 14:39

Considering she has to do something after school I imagine the OP is referring to a part time job anyway. Which, if she is demanding money from her mother for lunch out and spending money on drugs she absolutely, unquestionably, should be doing!

Original poster
MyNameIsFartacus · 04/08/2018 14:39

To be clear, if she got a job for just a few hours on a Saturday I would be happy, no way would I want her to or expect her to get a full time job, she is meant to be going to college in September. She has been diagnosed with autism so as not to drip feed, but that only really seems to affect her when it suits her - as in it didn't affect her going away on holiday and meeting lots of new people but for some reason she feels like she wouldn't be capable of getting a job because of it. I think she's feeling under pressure because her GF has recently got a job and is earning a fair amount every week and she feels like she's sponging - I get it, I do understand, but at the same time she still hasn't done anything to change things, despite being offered the help!

OP posts:
titchy · 04/08/2018 14:40

Help her pack....

GreenMeerkat · 04/08/2018 14:41

Also, I have an apprentice working for me at the moment and she does the exact same job as my regular staff, plus she has to do her theory work and exams so it's actually more work than a full time job! (I do give her time off for study leave)

multiplemum3 · 04/08/2018 14:45

I moved out at 16, let her go she'll either be fine or come back realising she can't make it on her own yet.

immortalmarble · 04/08/2018 14:48

I think with situations like this it’s best to think about what you want to achieve.

Part time/Saturday jobs aren’t as easy as all that to get at 16. My DD really wanted one but she struggled because so many bars and restaurants wanted someone 18 or over. Plus, if your DD has autism, she may well struggle to come across well at interview.

I think the difficulty here is, no you’re not being unreasonable but if she moves in with her girlfriend things may get worse for her not better.

Applepudding2018 · 04/08/2018 14:48

What are your DD's plans from September or is she awaiting results of her GCSE's to decide?

Whilst I don't think you should pander to everything she wants, especially if she is 'demanding' rather than asking politely, if you can afford it then I think it's reasonable to provide her with some sort of allowance. Obviously a part time job is the ideal - assuming if she is planning college / A levels - and it's important she looks - sometimes they aren't so easy to come by. Wetherspoon's burger or deli deal at £3.99 isn't exactly extravagant- unless you are really struggling for money in which case she should be old enough to understand and contribute.

Cloudyapples · 04/08/2018 14:49

My dm was very clear that at 16 my sister and I were expected to get jobs (while also still studying full time!) she provided food and a home, but all our activities were self funded by our part time jobs and then when we each went to uni at 18 we were independent and completely self funded ourselves there too. 16 is old enough to earn her own money - let her leave, I’m sure her GFs family won’t let her stay for long (and certainly not rent free!) so it will be a good lesson for her.

BlueBug45 · 04/08/2018 14:52

Find out where she is going, make sure she has your contact numbers and most importantly take your keys back. This is so she can't take things from the house when you aren't in.

She will either come back in a few days time when she realises the world doesn't owe her a living, or she will survive.

Oh and when's she's gone if you know any of her friends' parents talk to them to check she is OK. If she wants to talk to you she will contact you.

NC4Now · 04/08/2018 14:55

Where’s she going?
There aren’t a lot of part time jobs around for 16 year olds, but she should be doing something. I told my DS if he can’t find a job I’ll help him out a bit but it’s two way. He has to help me round the house and do things to boost his CV.
He’s just left for NCS. Would DD do some voluntary work?

Applepudding2018 · 04/08/2018 14:55

Just seen your update about college in September. I'm probably too soft as a mom as I do help DS with applications and he has a decent allowance. Maybe if you know she will be safe staying with her GF's family then let her flounce! Might bring her round to reality as I doubt her GF's parents will want her round there for long.

LeftRightCentre · 04/08/2018 14:55

In your shoes I'd let her give it a go. Some teens are very bullheaded and there is no convincing them that homelife is pretty good. They have to learn this for themselves in the School of the Real World. Bet her GF will soon tire of paying all her bills.

Notquiteagandt · 04/08/2018 14:56

Does her gf live with her parents? What do they think about her moving in?

I think I wojld bd tempted to let her go. With the undestanding she was welcome back if she needed to.

She will soon learn value of money.

I moved out at 16. Did me no harm. I had a full time job though and was studying along side it.

UpstartCrow · 04/08/2018 14:58

Have you spoken to the GF's parents?

dadshere · 04/08/2018 15:00

Wish her luck and tell her to pop in for a cup of tea when she is in the neighbourhood. She sounds like she needs some reality of paying her own bills to see what a good life you have given her!

Branleuse · 04/08/2018 15:00

i moved out at 16. Not a great deal you can do tbh

InsuranceGirl · 04/08/2018 15:04

If it’s anything like one of my sisters it could be an empty threat for her to get her own way.

Let her pack and go to her GF’s house for a few days and don’t beg her to come back. But let her know her room is there for her but you can’t afford to give her money all the time and all you want is for her to have a part time job now as previously discussed.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 04/08/2018 15:06

Wish her well & let her go. But when she wants to come back, lay down some ground rules before you let her.