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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to just let my 16 year old move out? Help!

87 replies

MyNameIsFartacus · 04/08/2018 14:27

More of a WWYD than an AIBU I suppose but here I go.... My 16 year old DD has just announced she is moving out because I won't give her any money (beyond stuff for basics - i.e. she wanted money to go to wetherspoons for lunch this afternoon and I said no) and I won't find her a job. Currently packing and has just told me to F Off and leave her alone. For info, she spends most of her time at her GF's house.

Just don't know if I'm on the right track - I have offered to help her fill out application forms for jobs but so far she has not produced one, (I have sent her numerous links for suitable jobs), she will not take advice from me on this either (not that I've been in the workforce for 25 years or anything). She also does nothing except tell me what a shit mother I am with one breath while asking for money with the other. Since she has finished her GCSEs I have paid for her to go on holiday with her GF and family but told her that I fully expected her to try to get a job when she came back and that I wouldn't be funding her to basically sit around and do nothing- it has now been weeks and nothing, she has committed herself financially to a couple of things and I think is now feeling stressed about it.

She tells me I'm selfish for not helping her more, am I? I think I give all help that is reasonable but what she actually wants it to be treated like a baby - she has no work ethic at all. Some may say it's harsh, but in all honesty she does NOTHING to help me out at all, basically smokes a lot of weed at her GF's house and that's it.

OP posts:

lljkk · 04/08/2018 18:07

My kids never threaten this type of nonsense they know I'd help pack their bags & wave them off cheerily.

lljkk · 04/08/2018 18:08

ps: my 2nd is a 16yo DD; my eldest did go off at 17.

Lynne1Cat · 04/08/2018 18:22

Your last paragraph says it all....she smokes weed. Who gives her the money to buy it? Stop it. Cannabis will create mood swings, but she's also at an impressionable age. Do NOT allow her to leave - she'll only get deeper into bother. She thinks she's an adult, but she's just a kid.

Can she possibly get a part-time job in a shop or something? Will she be going to college?

Invite her friends to your house, so that you can have a chat with them all about the weed. Do the parents of the other girl know about it?

Mum of 2 adult sons (now in their 30s, and granny to 2 little girls)

ProperLavs · 04/08/2018 18:47

you can't stop her leaving. All this don't allow her to leave is a nonsense.

MyDcAreMarvel · 04/08/2018 19:00

n diagnosed with autism so as not to drip feed, but that only really seems to affect her when it suits her
What a horrible comment, I have an 18 year with asd , there is no logic in the things she can cope with and the things she can’t. At least not to her dad and I . To her it makes perfect sense.
Please get some peer support to understand asd better as you seem pretty clueless.

RainySeptember · 04/08/2018 20:41

MyDC, what a horrible comment. OP has raised her child for 16 years and I doubt she is clueless. It is certainly possible for smart kids with ASD to use it to their advantage and I think it's a good thing if OP doesn't allow her dd to use it as an excuse for bad behaviour.

Telling your mum to fuck off because she won't give you more money isn't ASD.

RainySeptember · 04/08/2018 20:44

"Who gives her the money to buy it?"

It's easy to get hold of and cheap. Kids without cash are given small amounts by friends. It's passed around.

OP, does her gf still live at home or does she have her own place?

Thebluedog · 04/08/2018 20:50

Let her go, you’re doing exactly the right thing. She can’t expect you to pay for everything without making an effort herself, life simply doesn’t work like that. You’ve been enabling her to take the piss out if you. She’s old enough to know better and needs to grow up

For those of you that think 16 is too young to work full time - pft why the hell not? Up until recently 16 WAS the age to work or go to collage. We are enabling a bunch of entitled adults who will expect other adults to pay for everything from holidays to days out to deposits on houses and in this case even weed

Metoodear · 04/08/2018 21:14

I would say well we will all miss you would you like a life anywhere

My then 17 year old tried this shit after trying to call me a cunt kicked in the door and stormed out with his stuff texting me me all night

I simply told him this
We’re all sad you have chosen to leave good luck with your new endevers please send us your new address when settled

He stayed out two days sofa surfing forgetting that all his friends live with their parents and it’s not up to them who stays then come begging us back

We told him he could only come back if he followed our rules it was a wake up call for him

Metoodear · 04/08/2018 21:16

RainySeptember

MyDC, what a horrible comment. OP has raised her child for 16 years and I doubt she is clueless. It is certainly possible for smart kids with ASD to use it to their advantage and I think it's a good thing if OP doesn't allow her dd to use it as an excuse for bad behaviour.

Telling your mum to fuck off because she won't give you more money isn't ASD.

Amen

My son had GD and MH issues and calling me a cunt swear word he will ever call me

Metoodear · 04/08/2018 21:19

Btw my son had worked since he was 16

We sat him down and told him bank of mum is closed and he would have to make his own way money wise barr collage

In fact he gives us keep every month

Wowthisisreal · 04/08/2018 21:22

YANBU - at 16 she is perfectly capable of getting a part time job. You are under no obligation to give her any money (IMHO) and she should be starting to learn crucial life skills such as paying her way and not relying on others to get her through life! The things she wants to do are luxuries. You provide her with food shelter and presumably utilities for school etc. There is no reason you should pay for her social life!! I also think there is no way you should find her a job - again this is something she will need to learn herself.

Re. Moving out - it's tough as I don't think you should give up on her. But she will soon learn the hard way if she does leave. I'd try and keep her at home.

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