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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to just let my 16 year old move out? Help!

87 replies

MyNameIsFartacus · 04/08/2018 14:27

More of a WWYD than an AIBU I suppose but here I go.... My 16 year old DD has just announced she is moving out because I won't give her any money (beyond stuff for basics - i.e. she wanted money to go to wetherspoons for lunch this afternoon and I said no) and I won't find her a job. Currently packing and has just told me to F Off and leave her alone. For info, she spends most of her time at her GF's house.

Just don't know if I'm on the right track - I have offered to help her fill out application forms for jobs but so far she has not produced one, (I have sent her numerous links for suitable jobs), she will not take advice from me on this either (not that I've been in the workforce for 25 years or anything). She also does nothing except tell me what a shit mother I am with one breath while asking for money with the other. Since she has finished her GCSEs I have paid for her to go on holiday with her GF and family but told her that I fully expected her to try to get a job when she came back and that I wouldn't be funding her to basically sit around and do nothing- it has now been weeks and nothing, she has committed herself financially to a couple of things and I think is now feeling stressed about it.

She tells me I'm selfish for not helping her more, am I? I think I give all help that is reasonable but what she actually wants it to be treated like a baby - she has no work ethic at all. Some may say it's harsh, but in all honesty she does NOTHING to help me out at all, basically smokes a lot of weed at her GF's house and that's it.

OP posts:

Lunde · 04/08/2018 15:09

If she has ASD won't she be classed as a vulnerable child?

Jaxhog · 04/08/2018 15:11

It's all very well to say she can move out at 16, but she has no means to support herself!

I very much doubt the GF (Girl Friend?) will let her sponge for long either. Maybe you should let her go, but make it clear she can come back at anytime. But if she does (and she will), she needs to at least pull her weight around the house and look for a part-time job. Or she gets no pocket money, no cleaning and no laundry done.

MrsChollySawcutt · 04/08/2018 15:13

Depends massively upon the situation she will be living in at the GF's house. Your comment about smoking weed there would make me move heaven and earth for her to stay living at home.

If she's just finished her GCSEs and is heading back to college in September I would back off about her getting a job. It's not that easy to do and there's only about 5 weeks left of the summer hols anyway.

I would ask for a sit down chat with her and agree a set of house rules you can both live with.

BunnyCarr · 04/08/2018 15:24

Let her go. Get her keys off her before she makes a copy.

Lunde · 04/08/2018 15:30

I am a little surprised how many people think that OP should facilitate her 16 year old with ASD just to leave home. Won't she be terribly at risk? Will ss become involved?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/08/2018 15:31

If SS do become involved it will only be to find somewhere to house her. The OP won't be in trouble.

rubyjude · 04/08/2018 15:32

Personally, I think you're doing the right thing. I, and most of my friends, had a job from 15, because we literally had no spare money and my mum could just about buy food, so if I wanted anything I HAD to go out and get a job.

She's trying to guilt you into giving her money, but you're holding fast and so she's lashing out for not getting what she's stomping her little foot for. Let her move out. She's techinally old enough, but still too young to fully comprehend what it truly takes to "make it" in the big wide world. Sometimes though they have to dive in in the deep end to truly appreciate what they have/how lucky they are at home.

But first, I would try and sit down with her and say to her matter of factly what you're doing. "You want to move out. Ok - I won't stop you, if that is what you want to do. I am, and always will be, here for you. My house rules are, as you know, XYZ - not everyone will like them, but they are what they are. If you don't want to live under them that's your choice, but if you move back in, which you are always welcome to do, these are the rules, and you, as any other resident of this house would, will follow them" (ie NO FREE MONEY YOUNG LADY).

Potentialmadcatlady · 04/08/2018 15:37

She is 16 and has is autistic and people are advising her mother to help her move out. Wow just wow...
Parenting is hard...teenagers say hurtful things and parenting them is hard.. 16year olds are still children. 16year old with special needs ( ASD is classed at special needs ) are still children.

MrsChollySawcutt · 04/08/2018 15:37

This really interesting. How many of you saying you would just let her go actually have daughters of this age?

I do and there's no bloody way I'd be just letting her trot off like this.

rubyjude · 04/08/2018 15:37

Just to also say, I also have (and obviously, had) autism. It was an extremely confusing time as a kid because, where I was in the 90s, the school didn't care, my mum avoided it, and no one at all helped me. I had to learn how to deal with things on my own. But it doesn't mean she gets to treat you like shite. It doesn't mean she can't follow simple rules (ie don't be rude, don't demand money).

Potentialmadcatlady · 04/08/2018 15:38

Sorry for the extra ‘has’

19lottie82 · 04/08/2018 15:41

This actually made me laugh out loud. Let her see what the real world is like, without a job or money. She will be back before you can blink once she realises how sweet she has it at home.

Hizz · 04/08/2018 15:41

I thought at first she had left school and was looking for a permanent job. Then I see that she is still in full time education and will start college in September. Not only that she sounds particularly vulnerable although admittedly difficult.
She's still a dependant from the point of view of Child Benefit. I agree that a part time job is a good idea but not all 16 year olds manage to find work that fits in with school / college.
Do you give her an allowance?
At 16 mine got a modest monthly allowance and then when they got part time jobs (which wasn't until after they had started college) I let them keep their earnings on top of the allowance so it felt worthwhile.
Might that be an incentive?

dimsum123 · 04/08/2018 15:42

My DD who is 14 has got a Saturday job at local hairdresser, sweeping the floor, making cups of tea etc. I saw an ad in their window and arranged an interview for her.

immortalmarble · 04/08/2018 15:43

I’m very wary of anywhere that employs under 16s, to be honest. But that is by the by. Most 14 year olds do not work.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/08/2018 15:44

I'm not sure you can stop her, but I would make sure you clearly say that you don't want her to leave, and that she can come back any time.

But stick to your guns re not giving her money.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/08/2018 15:44

I do and there's no bloody way I'd be just letting her trot off like this.

How exactly would you stop her?

19lottie82 · 04/08/2018 15:46

This thread reminds me of this

AIBU to just let my 16 year old move out? Help!

ProperLavs · 04/08/2018 15:48

she's a lazy arse- I have a sixteen year old like it. Don't give her money and don't help her get a job. let her pack- She'll soon realise that the grass isn't greener.

Hizz · 04/08/2018 15:50

How many of you saying you would just let her go actually have daughters of this age?
MrsChollySawcutt This is MN. Post about a problem with a baby or toddler and you will get lots of kind supportive helpful advice. Post about teenagers, a phase which is far more challenging and you get some quite astonishingly nasty comments.
I generally find the most venomous comments about teenagers come from;

People who have younger children who think they can predict how their children will be as teens, and therefore can say now that they would not allow such nonsense;
People who have not got children at all but feel they can contribute because they used to be a teen;
People whose own teenage years were difficult and they resent others who apparently have it easier;
People who currently have teens who are easy and compliant and the posters seem to think this is due to their superior parenting rather than the inherent personality of the teen.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/08/2018 15:50

There's no way I would allow this, but I also wouldn't be giving her free money either.
I told mine (16 and 18) to look for holiday jobs this summer. They did look and nothing was going (people wanted permanent staff, not kids going to uni or back to school in Sept), so I have offered some cash in exchange for helping out more at home (doing garden work, for ex).
Maybe that would work for her - she wouldn't feel like she is sponging off either you or her gf.
I'd not be allowing either of mine to move out at 16, certainly not to a house where they would be smoking weed. 16 is still a child and it doesn't hurt for kids to be told no, even of they do tantrum about it!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 04/08/2018 15:51

I give my 16 year old an allowance in exchange for doing certain chores around the house. He was also able to earn some money working for his Dad’s (my ex) company this summer. But part time jobs are hard to come by, so I encourage but don’t push. I would tread lightly, but be firm and consistent in your shoes. Also has she applied for ema? My ds will get £30 a week from September when he starts college, dependent on attendance, so good training for real life (you don’t show up you don’t get paid!)
I wouldn’t want him to move out though. And I think maybe your dd is wanting you to want her to stay (iyswim).

Scifi101 · 04/08/2018 15:53

If she has asd does she recueve dla/ pip?

RainySeptember · 04/08/2018 15:56

I've got four teens and never have any of them free money once they were old enough to work.

They had £40pm pocket money in return for doing specific chores, and once they were 16 they found part time jobs.

I doubt op would be so irritated if her dd was trying hard to find a job, or offering to do chores. But actually she isn't doing any of those things, just expecting to be handed cash and I wouldn't recommend giving in to the 'I'm moving out' blackmail.

Personally I would have a talk with her before she goes op. Don't let her go angrily. I would say that you love her and don't want her to go because you'll miss her. Tell her again that you'd happily help her to look for a job, or pay her pocket money to do chores, but simply can't afford to give her money, and that that'd be poor parenting anyway. Tell her you're just trying to do the right thing, and that you hope she comes home soon.

Then let her go.

EvaHarknessRose · 04/08/2018 15:56

Its ok OP, stay on the same side as her. Say of course I don’t want you to move out, I’d hate that, I want you here. If you do want to move out on a trial basis I will not stand in your way, but of course if it is for more than a few weeks I expect you will need to pay your own way, and to be clear I can’t afford to give you more than x per week. Let’s talk more at dinner about what to do next and how you want me to help.

I don’t know how I would deal with the weed, its such a motivation killer. And her poor young brain .

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