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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just let my 16 year old move out? Help!

87 replies

MyNameIsFartacus · 04/08/2018 14:27

More of a WWYD than an AIBU I suppose but here I go.... My 16 year old DD has just announced she is moving out because I won't give her any money (beyond stuff for basics - i.e. she wanted money to go to wetherspoons for lunch this afternoon and I said no) and I won't find her a job. Currently packing and has just told me to F Off and leave her alone. For info, she spends most of her time at her GF's house.

Just don't know if I'm on the right track - I have offered to help her fill out application forms for jobs but so far she has not produced one, (I have sent her numerous links for suitable jobs), she will not take advice from me on this either (not that I've been in the workforce for 25 years or anything). She also does nothing except tell me what a shit mother I am with one breath while asking for money with the other. Since she has finished her GCSEs I have paid for her to go on holiday with her GF and family but told her that I fully expected her to try to get a job when she came back and that I wouldn't be funding her to basically sit around and do nothing- it has now been weeks and nothing, she has committed herself financially to a couple of things and I think is now feeling stressed about it.

She tells me I'm selfish for not helping her more, am I? I think I give all help that is reasonable but what she actually wants it to be treated like a baby - she has no work ethic at all. Some may say it's harsh, but in all honesty she does NOTHING to help me out at all, basically smokes a lot of weed at her GF's house and that's it.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 04/08/2018 16:00

Oh to be 16 again. My poor mother. Let her go. If she's anywhere near as obnoxious and arrogant as I was she'll have a great time til GFs family have had enough. Shouldn't take long.

Aragog · 04/08/2018 16:02

There are very limited PT jobs for 16y round here.

An apprenticeship is different, and again round here they are limited and many are fraught with completion to get into them. Those I know starting apprenticeships already have them in place to start shortly.

Dd is 16 and starting sixth form in September. From advice from a level teacher friends I don't want her to have a weekend job whilst studying personally. They all say that in the end the kids out the job first over studying, even at exam time, and their bosses are usually not interested in their study commitments and don't cut them slack at exam/revision times anyway.

Luckily we are in a position not to need to and can give her a reasonable allowance/pocket money instead. She still had to budget but does get to go out with friends, etc. And had enough to get herself job essential type clothes and the like.

nakedscientist · 04/08/2018 16:05

This really interesting. How many of you saying you would just let her go actually have daughters of this age? I do and there's no bloody way I'd be just letting her trot off like this

Same here. Over my dead body would she be trotting off to smoke weed, eat god knows what...drop out of college.

Shambu · 04/08/2018 16:07

GF = girlfriend, grandfather? Is her dad around?

I don't think I would be facilitating smoking weed, I've seen it have destructive effects on teens - even the non-strong stuff like skunk. It can impact concentration and short term memory, focus etc.

Bearing in mind she's ASD, I think I'd compromise and help her find a job.

It all seems a bit extreme over what is basically only a holiday job. The main thing really is that she starts college in September as planned. This could potentially disrupt that if the dispute spirals out of control.

Shambu · 04/08/2018 16:08

Agreed NakedScientist.

19lottie82 · 04/08/2018 16:10

nakedscientist how would you stop her moving out?

pandarific · 04/08/2018 16:16

She's being a twat - telling her mother to F off in one breath (so being abusive and disrespectful) and asking for money in the next? Throwing a strop because she doesn't have a job sorted but won't take any advice or fill out applications with op, who has offered? Again, twat behaviour.

HF ASD is not an excuse to behave like a twat - it's perfectly possible to be a well adjusted human being with it, and that's ops job, to raise a well adjusted human being.

She should be allowed to 'move out' to her girlfriends place if she wants to, and op can keep the door open for when she inevitably slinks back when she's realised her evil mother is talking sense, and when she's actually ready to listen.

Happygoldfinch · 04/08/2018 16:16

I'm not sure she can be stopped if she really wants to go. I think teenagers can refuse guardianship at that age. I have no idea why I think I know this; I think I must have read it on the Childline website. Mind you, it was in the context of children suffering abuse, which isn't the case here. This is a really difficult one - I feel for you, OP Flowers

pandarific · 04/08/2018 16:18

Teenagers are OFTEN twats - it's part of growing up. I think back on how I was and shudder - but you need to let them fail, and then be there for them when they've realised they were being a dick and are at least reasonably contrite.

BlankTimes · 04/08/2018 16:19

OP said in her post page 1 Sat 04-Aug-18 14:39:59
She has been diagnosed with autism so as not to drip feed, but that only really seems to affect her when it suits her

Shock

Autistic kids are often emotionally immature, whilst her physical age is 16, her emotional "age" will be much, much younger.

Autistic people can be very vulnerable, to have been diagnosed in the first place she must have deficits in three areas, direct quote from the NASwww.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asd.aspx
How autism is diagnosed
"The characteristics of autism vary from one person to another, but in order for a diagnosis to be made, a person will usually be assessed as having had persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction and restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests since early childhood, to the extent that these "limit and impair everyday functioning".

Graphics showing explanation of the spectrum from Rebecca Burgess, the whole thing is here the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

OP, I think YABVVU to let her just move out and try to cope on her own. She's very vulnerable and needs support, not abandonment.

AIBU to just let my 16 year old move out? Help!
AIBU to just let my 16 year old move out? Help!
Angelil · 04/08/2018 16:22

Let her go. She'll be back.

Happygoldfinch · 04/08/2018 16:26

The characteristics of autism vary from one person to another
Indeed they do. My niece is autistic and infinitely more reliable and trustworthy than many of her neurotypical, drama-loving, consequence-blind peers. I'm sure OP knows how impaired her dd is from the condition.

MurryFinge · 04/08/2018 16:27

I’m shocked by some of the replies two.

There are two option-

1: allow your ASD 16 year old child to move in with a partner where she has no source of income, will smoke weed, and potentially decide not to continue with her education.

2: actually parent her.

pandarific · 04/08/2018 16:28

whilst her physical age is 16, her emotional "age" will be much, much younger.

That's a bit of a sweeping statement though, isn't it? They CAN be, doesn't mean all are. The girl's got a girlfriend, she's got a social life, has been away on hols with GF and her family - all pretty average for 16. Op knows her child best.

No-one's suggesting the op bar the door behind her daughter, just to let her work out on her own (as she's not listening) that actually, she doesn't know it all already, and not all of her problems are her mum's fault for being 'a shit mother'. Hmm

It's possible to still love and support your child while allowing them to fail - sometimes a teenager just won't be told and needs to find out on their own.

ProperLavs · 04/08/2018 16:31

How exactly would you stop her?

thegreylady · 04/08/2018 16:44

I didn’t expect my dd to get a job after GCSE I expected to fund her Summer and help her get ready for college..
She did get a job after A level and before University though.

DiegoMadonna · 04/08/2018 16:44

How does she think that moving out will give her more money? Rather than the opposite?

I'd use this opportunity to teach her about logic.

BlankTimes · 04/08/2018 16:47

Oh don't start on that sweeping generalisations derailing stuff, if you want to be post content monitor for anything I say, ask MNHQ to appoint you as my personal censor.

This is a vulnerable child, not an antsy NT kid Like it or not, there's a huge difference in the way this needs to be parented.

The 'she's made no effort to get a job' COULD suggest difficulties with executive function, it's not making no effort, it's not knowing where to start or what to do in what order. Once again, don't treat her like an NT 16 year old, she isn't one.

"she's not listening" could also be she doesn't understand the bigger picture and has no idea where this "freedom" could lead. That's sadly very typical trait of kids with SN, not all obviously though Panda, to save you butting in again, there may be a low percentage that MAY, but most won't. Most NT teens aren't fantastic at working out their actions then seeing what the consequences will be, a teen with ASD is much more disadvantaged.

Theresnodisneyending · 04/08/2018 16:59

So, what would you actually DO, Blank? She is saying her daughter tells her she is a shit mother. She has told her mother to "FO and leave her alone". She asks her mother for money. She smokes weed at the gf's house apparently. She REFUSES to work.

Instead of saying "she's a vulnerable child" blah blah blah, what would you ACTUALLY DO.

Theresnodisneyending · 04/08/2018 17:01

"I didn’t expect my dd to get a job after GCSE I expected to fund her Summer and help her get ready for college.."

Lucky you that you were wealthy enough to "fund her summer". Not everyone is in the same boat, believe it or not.

bridgetreilly · 04/08/2018 17:06

OH!!!! GF is girlfriend not grandfather/godfather. Suddenly it all makes much more sense.

pandarific · 04/08/2018 17:13

@BlankTimes 'butting in' is not a thing on a discussion forum.

I'd also really like to know what you think the op should actually do, as she can't physically restrain her daughter from moving out if she's hell bent on it? Obviously dissuading her would be best, but if she won't listen?

Hizz · 04/08/2018 17:46

Lucky you that you were wealthy enough to "fund her summer"

It's not "funding her summer", it's the school holidays. Sixteen is compulsory education age and is going to college in September means no loss of child benefits if paid. It's not so very different from a fifteen year old in the summer holidays.
Jobs are not easy to find for 16 year olds and in some areas much harder than others.

Theresnodisneyending · 04/08/2018 17:57

"fund her summer" is what she said.

RainySeptember · 04/08/2018 17:59

Hizz, it is funding her summer if she's permanently got her hand out for cash to fund her social life but cba looking for a job.

They might be hard to come by, but OP's dd wouldn't know because she hasn't looked.

I'm all for teens enjoying the long summer holidays, without working, if they're happy to have no money. Once they're asking for cash, without any suggestion of earning it through chores, I think they need directing towards a part time job, even babysitting for a couple of hours, or Mac Donald's.

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