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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family members asking to take my babies

94 replies

Jackieyoulooknice · 04/08/2018 13:14

I have 3 children under 3.

We are happy for both our mums to take the eldest out or have him at their house.

However, there seems to be a weird obsession among the great grandparents to take them (individually) out and a lot of moaning that we don't let the children out of our sights.

We are a bit attachment parenty but not strictly, it just feels wrong for me to let them away from me yet but I'm comfortable with our mum's as I know they're safe.

I hate having a reputation as a weird mum in our family but the great grandparents are over 70. One has serious memory issues and the other one is disabled and can't run or lift them.
To make matters worse, my eldest choked yesterday and I saved him, I know that our grandparents wouldn't have managed that.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting them to go? How can i get it across to them that we don't like the jibes about how over the top we are and to stop asking us if they can take them out. My dad also wants to take my children (all 3) out on his own but I don't think that's safe as 2 of them are babies and I struggle controlling all 3 in public and I'm their mother.

I feel so pressured and down. We are getting asked every week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jackieyoulooknice · 04/08/2018 13:15

Sorry for the ages wrong just checked with my husband and they're over 80.

OP posts:
Catastic · 04/08/2018 13:19

Yanbu at all. This is a strange request from them.

Can you offer visits with the 80+ year olds instead? Perhaps ask them to read a book or do a puzzle with DC if they are keen to bond with them?

CassandraLamontaigne · 04/08/2018 13:20

Yanbu your babies are not toys /fashion accessories /whatever the ggp think they are.

I don't know what you can say to them though - "X isn't going out for day trips until he's 7"

There'll be others along soon with good responses but I just wanted to say Yanbu!

Oh and better to have the over protective parent label than let them take your child and there be an accident

Catastic · 04/08/2018 13:20

To clarify, visits with you AND Dc.

Mammyloveswine · 04/08/2018 13:23

Hmm I can understand your worry but tbh id kill for some one to want to spend time with my kids. No one bothers and I'm beyond exhausted... I literally had to beg my sister to sit with them.for half an hour so i could have my smear test. Could they have an outing with your parents too? Then they'll see that young ch are actually pretty hard work so may not ask to have them.on their own!

Original poster
Jackieyoulooknice · 04/08/2018 13:28

We have them over really often to play with the children and also we have offered to go on days out with them, if they accept they just make lots of comments like "maybe mummy let us take you to out for a meal/to the stream/beach one day" the whole time we are out. Its exhausting. We really encourage them to bond but they don't seem happy unless they're alone with them.
I know it's nice that they want to spend time with them but they have so many health issues I don't see how it's appropriate. And there's no way I could let all three children out with my parents and the great grandparents, I am so uncomfortable with all 3 of my children being away from me at one time I don't see why I should do it.

OP posts:
MaryandMichael · 04/08/2018 13:31

Don't do it. Those are your children. You decide, do what is comfortable for you.
They had their chance, sixty years ago. Yes, babies are beautiful, but they are not playthings.

BonnieLass5 · 04/08/2018 13:34

Someone who is in their 80s isn’t likely to be capable of looking after a baby alone. And I find it unusual that they would want this responsibility. Look at it positively though, they love your children. If it’s beach/stream/park trips that you’re after, why don’t you go with them, sit down where you can see them all and the grandparents can take the children in the sea etc. So they’re spending time with them semi-alone and you’re there to step in.

Original poster
Jackieyoulooknice · 04/08/2018 13:36

We do do the day trips and try to give them freedom, but they specifically keep talking about what car seat they can get so they can have "proper time together". I think the problem is that they looked after my husband 4 or 5 days a week when he was a child and they can't let go,but it is lovely to know they love my children. But the comments can be quite nasty and repetitive.

OP posts:
Catastic · 04/08/2018 13:39

Keep listening to your instincts.
I would give them the look Hmm when they come out with their passive aggressive comments.. They are pushing your boundaries and you may need to be firmer to stop the constant requests.

BunnyBath · 04/08/2018 13:42

YABU and precious. Your poor kids! Loosen the reigns!

Oldraver · 04/08/2018 13:43

When people are naggy like this I find (unfortunetly) the only way is to be snappy with them

Dragongirl10 · 04/08/2018 13:48

YANBU, of sourse it is unsafe for them to take such small children out without you!!

Stick to your guns and don't feel bad.

greendale17 · 04/08/2018 13:48

YABU- it won’t do your children any harm to be away from for a few hours.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 04/08/2018 13:49

Over 3 maybe, they can communicate their needs better - and you are entitled to a break SHOULD you fell the need, I never did when I had 3 under 3 either tbh!
Can you send a nice text to someone from each side of the family explaining how you love family time but it's stressing you out them keep asking for unsupervised time with your dc ask them to speak to the others on your behalf.

Catastic · 04/08/2018 13:49

@BunnyBath you are advocating for a toddler to be left with an 80-year-old with mobility issues? Really?

CassandraLamontaigne · 04/08/2018 13:52

Greendale. Her children are babies and toddlers . And the people who want to mind them are in their 80s with physical and mental infirmities .
It might not do her children harm to be away from her for a few hours. Op's DM and MIL mind them sometimes.
It will quite probably do her children harm to leave them with people who are physically and mentally incapable of taking care of them properly

SnuggyBuggy · 04/08/2018 13:55

YANBU, time with you and the kids should be good enough. You didn't have children to give them something to play with.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2018 13:57

Maybe your DH should have a firm word as it's his relatives?

As in, No, Never Going to Happen.

diddl · 04/08/2018 13:58

" id kill for some one to want to spend time with my kids. "

But not someone who isn't capable of looking after them?!

annandale · 04/08/2018 13:59

A technique I learned on here with kids and adults is the 'wouldn't it be lovely if' idea. 'oh imagine how great it would be if you had them all for a day. Wow, what would you do? Oh really? Sounds lovely. And then what? Did you do that with my dad? Bet he loved it. What was he like then?...' ie no way in he'll are you saying yes, but they can daydream all they like, and you can honour their contribution to your wider family without rudeness. Just be confident - you would be insane or desperate to ask people in their 80s to care for three children solo, it's not appropriate or kind. Bat it away every time.

bridgetreilly · 04/08/2018 14:00

No. It's hard for older people to realise, but 80+ year olds are not suitable carers for under 3s. They just aren't. Next time they make those kind of comments, your DH needs to explain to them that while you are all very happy to spend time together, they should not expect to start having the children on their own. Either you/DH, or one of your mums needs to be there as well. So that everyone can be safe and happy.

KirstyJC · 04/08/2018 14:00

Have you or DH spelt it out to them - we won't be letting you do this, we think it is rude that you are continually asking and we are getting fed up with it. Please stop asking.

If they continue to moan, tell them clearly they are physically and mentally unable to take care of all 3 kids and the fact that they don't realise or accept this just reinforces how true that is. If they can't accept their limitations and explain how they will work around them then that signifies a lack of insight that shows they are not able.

It would be different perhaps if they acknowledged the eg poor mobility and said they would take them to gated park for instance, that would show insight. Sounds like they have none, which is reason enough to never let it happen.

Marcipex · 04/08/2018 14:01

YANBU
And I'd never let an infirm elderly person take toddlers into the sea. Fgs.

jpclarke · 04/08/2018 14:02

I would just ignore it, smile and nod they are your children and you don't want any harm to come of them.