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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family members asking to take my babies

94 replies

Jackieyoulooknice · 04/08/2018 13:14

I have 3 children under 3.

We are happy for both our mums to take the eldest out or have him at their house.

However, there seems to be a weird obsession among the great grandparents to take them (individually) out and a lot of moaning that we don't let the children out of our sights.

We are a bit attachment parenty but not strictly, it just feels wrong for me to let them away from me yet but I'm comfortable with our mum's as I know they're safe.

I hate having a reputation as a weird mum in our family but the great grandparents are over 70. One has serious memory issues and the other one is disabled and can't run or lift them.
To make matters worse, my eldest choked yesterday and I saved him, I know that our grandparents wouldn't have managed that.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting them to go? How can i get it across to them that we don't like the jibes about how over the top we are and to stop asking us if they can take them out. My dad also wants to take my children (all 3) out on his own but I don't think that's safe as 2 of them are babies and I struggle controlling all 3 in public and I'm their mother.

I feel so pressured and down. We are getting asked every week.

OP posts:
MrsAmaretto · 04/08/2018 15:40

I couldn’t cope with 3 under 3 & I’m 38..... and I have an 8 & 5year old. Have they forgotten how exhausting and demanding small kids are? (Both physically and mentally?)

Original poster
Jackieyoulooknice · 04/08/2018 17:02

@wiilowmelangell that does seem possible because they are obsessed with taking photos and showing their friends.

Just got off the phone with one and husband was quite firm when they started asking however their response was "I know you think they're miserable because they're teething but I think they're just bored because theyre not around anyone else" hmmmmmm

OP posts:
SubtitlesOn · 04/08/2018 17:24

So they still drive ok?

Original poster
Jackieyoulooknice · 04/08/2018 17:33

They don't seem to have a problem driving but neither wear seat belts.

OP posts:
Bezm · 04/08/2018 17:37

Cassandra, what's a mental infirmity??? 😱

CassandraLamontaigne · 04/08/2018 17:41

Op mentioned memory issues

Google dictionary :
noun: infirmity; plural noun: infirmities
physical or mental weakness.
"old age and infirmity come to men and women alike"
synonyms: frailty, weakness, feebleness, enfeeblement, delicacy, fragility, debility, debilitation, decrepitude, disability, impairment; More
illness, sickness, indisposition, poor health, declining health;
lameness, dodderiness, shakiness, unsteadiness, instability
"they excused themselves on grounds of age and infirmity"y; plural noun: infirmities
physical or mental weakness.
"old age and infirmity come to men and women alike"
synonyms: frailty, weakness, feebleness, enfeeblement, delicacy, fragility, debility, debilitation, decrepitude, disability, impairment; More
illness, sickness, indisposition, poor health, declining health;
lameness, dodderiness, shakiness, unsteadiness, instability
"they excused themselves on grounds of age and infirmity"

fuzzyfozzy · 04/08/2018 18:40

Tbh if they're naggy I'd give them the responsibility of the ch and go and sit it the garden, with a cheery give us a shout if you need us.
It might make them realise they don't want what they're asking for!
3 under 3 is hard work (ex childminder)

glueandstick · 05/08/2018 07:53

Over 80’s can be good carers for a short time as mine goes to their great grandparents. But they aren’t infirm or have mobility issues are nearer 60 in their approach.

No way would I let yours go to theirs.

thegreylady · 05/08/2018 08:13

80+ ? NO!
I am 74, my youngest dgc are 9 and 11. I can manage them perfectly but would struggle with under threes for longer than a half day. Dh is 82 and says “Not bloody likely!”

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 08:19

My nan is 78 fit as a fiddle, a former nursery teacher and is a carer for a disabled neighbour, she's more than capable of looking after young children so age isn't the relevant factor here

bridgetreilly · 05/08/2018 08:23

If they don't wear seatbelts they aren't suitable to look after young children no matter how old they are.

Echobelly · 05/08/2018 08:24

I'd bring up the choking issue as an example of why you don't think it's appropriate for them to be with people with health issues. Tell them it's not you don't want anyone else to have the kids, as you have shown by them being with your parents, but you think it will just be too much, and therefore not safe, for ggps to have them when they are still so small and needy.

Maelstrop · 05/08/2018 08:26

Get your dh to have a final word with them. He needs to tell them NO, explain why and stop them asking again. You must be getting very bored of this.

Sweetcarrielynne · 05/08/2018 08:28

YANBU - they aren't respecting your boundaries and you have good reasons for the decision you have made. I don't know why older relatives feel like they need or deserve time alone with grandchildren - eapecially if they would struggle to care for them. My grandparents are also in their 80s and would never be able to lift a toddler or run after one.

I don't know what to suggest except that maybe you need to be a bit less polite and more cool when they ask.

BigPinkBall · 05/08/2018 08:31

It would concern me that they specifically want to be alone with the children, why?

My PIL love spending time with dd but they are mid 70s and still fairly fit for being in their 70s but neither of them could run after dd very far and have difficulty lifting her, so we go to their house or all go out together and I let them have a push of the pram or play with her and they’re in charge and I sit in the kitchen with a cup of tea, but I’m there to stop her running up the stairs or climbing the book cases, they really don’t need to be alone with her though.

iamawoman · 05/08/2018 08:32

There are very few people in their 80s that are phyiscally and mentally capable of being responsible for the demands of babies and toddlers on their own. Its hard enough work for parents at this stage. As the other poster stated, it sounds like they lack insight into their limitations as they are wanting to take them near water rather than read a book/play games at home. Even if you agreed to them having them at home alone, it sounds like they would go off and do what ever they wanted to prove a point they are capable which is very risky. I wonder what is driving this insistence to have them on their own? I think your husband needs to say kindly to them that it is not going to happen at least until the children are a lot older and they need to stop asking as it is becoming an issue and making you uncomfortable

Sunshiness · 05/08/2018 08:58

I'm struggling so much with this with PIL constantly wanting alone time with DD. Like a PP said they undermine all my parenting choices and it makes me very uneasy. Do people think that's enough reason to not give in or is this U after all as no health issues / infirmities in this case. Sad
Like PP said, what is driving this??

LeonoraFlorence · 05/08/2018 09:05

I understand your feelings. I think you just need to be firm and stick to your guns. I often think it’s a ‘for show’ thing to want to take DC out ‘alone’ when I read about this kind of thing.

FolderReformedScruncher · 05/08/2018 09:07

I am normally pretty mild mannered but in a similar situation where I had jusy been pushed to my bloody limit I said, "What? This again?"

That one sentence was enough to stop all the bollocks.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 05/08/2018 09:10

Sorry your eldest chocked yesterday and you saved him? So he could have died? And you are so traumatised you come on here moaning about something stupid?

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 05/08/2018 09:10

Sorry your eldest chocked yesterday and you saved him? So he could have died? And you are so traumatised you come on here moaning about something stupid?

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2018 09:11

Yanbu at all, if you have concerns regarding their ability to care for your child, don't. They had their turn years ago. I would not feel happy about it myself, I am not attachment patent. Young children are hard work, they are disabled, elderly with health issues, noway. I think they have forgotten this. If they were younger and healthy, no problem.they are not playthings.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2018 09:14

Just say, no stop repeating the same thing as it's annoying.

Footymum81 · 05/08/2018 09:15

My nan (84 at the time) looked after my DD from 5 months to when she started school for one day a week. Admittedly she was very active for her age (didn't need a stick to walk and regularly took the bus off to visit friends). She made adaptations where needed e.g. She pushed DD in her buggy from room to room rather than carrying her. When DD started nursery nan would take her there on the bus then go shopping until pick up time. I'm so glad as they are really close now (DD is 14) However I know our circumstances are much different to OPs.
My best suggestion would be to try and find ways to give them a little freedom while still being nearby in case, like letting them push the 2 youngest round the park while you take the older one on the equipment.

BakedBeans47 · 05/08/2018 09:18

YANBU about the great grandparents but that aside you do sound a bit uptight.

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