Family members asking to take my babies

[Jackieyoulooknice]

I have 3 children under 3.

We are happy for both our mums to take the eldest out or have him at their house.

However, there seems to be a weird obsession among the great grandparents to take them (individually) out and a lot of moaning that we don't let the children out of our sights.

We are a bit attachment parenty but not strictly, it just feels wrong for me to let them away from me yet but I'm comfortable with our mum's as I know they're safe.

I hate having a reputation as a weird mum in our family but the great grandparents are over 70. One has serious memory issues and the other one is disabled and can't run or lift them.
To make matters worse, my eldest choked yesterday and I saved him, I know that our grandparents wouldn't have managed that.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting them to go? How can i get it across to them that we don't like the jibes about how over the top we are and to stop asking us if they can take them out. My dad also wants to take my children (all 3) out on his own but I don't think that's safe as 2 of them are babies and I struggle controlling all 3 in public and I'm their mother.

I feel so pressured and down. We are getting asked every week.

My pil were lovely. I wouldnt however have left them in charge of a pet hamster.
Typical example
Nipped out for some supplies(they were also hazy on catering). Literally 15 mins. Baby and 3 year old in lounge with them watching telly. Came back to 3 year old in front garden open to thr road on her own.
She wanted to look out for mummy apparently
After that i told dh that he could tell them never again.
And he did.

No they can't take them out, and it might be time to be blunt and direct. Ask them to stop asking, as it will be the same answer each time.

The children are your children not theirs, their safety always come first, it is your decision and your decision is final.

A little resentment/upset is a small price versus the consequences to you and your family if something happens to your dc whilst they are out.

Some older people simply don't realise how much they have aged and how this has affected their ability to care for young children until it is too late. We have lots of elderly drivers here and it worries me so much

Urgh, I would find this kind of thing so irritating. Luckily we don't have any family members of that age hassling us.

Just be really blunt, rude if you have to.
"No, you cannot take them out alone, you are 80 years old. If they decide to run into the road/sea/nearest lap dancing bar/ you would NOT be able to stop them"

Tell them it's 70 odd years since they had young kids, when presumably, the world was a safer place - less people, less traffic, less danger.

Ultimately though, you won't be able to stop their passive aggressive comments.

So, either roll your eyes and let them witter on, or don't see them as often.

Urgh, I would find this kind of thing so irritating. Luckily we don't have any family members of that age hassling us.

Just be really blunt, rude if you have to.
"No, you cannot take them out alone, you are 80 years old. If they decide to run into the road/sea/nearest lap dancing bar/ you would NOT be able to stop them"

Tell them it's 70 odd years since they had young kids, when presumably, the world was a safer place - less people, less traffic, less danger.

Ultimately though, you won't be able to stop their passive aggressive comments.

So, either roll your eyes and let them witter on, or don't see them as often.

Urgh, I would find this kind of thing so irritating. Luckily we don't have any family members of that age hassling us.

Just be really blunt, rude if you have to.
"No, you cannot take them out alone, you are 80 years old. If they decide to run into the road/sea/nearest lap dancing bar/ you would NOT be able to stop them"

Tell them it's 70 odd years since they had young kids, when presumably, the world was a safer place - less people, less traffic, less danger.

Ultimately though, you won't be able to stop their passive aggressive comments.

So, either roll your eyes and let them witter on, or don't see them as often.

Lola did you mean to be so rude to the OP?

An 80+ year old great grandparent along with their disabled spouse wants to know which car seats to buy so they can take your three babies out?

hahahahahahahahaha

Over my dead body. Which would be better than my babies' dead bodies under those distractions in a car scenario where an 80+ is driving.

YANBU. Stand firm.

So many helpful comments, yes I think we need to be firmer and be possibly a bit rude as it really is so repetitive.

@LolaTheDarkdestroyer

Sorry your eldest chocked yesterday and you saved him? So he could have died? And you are so traumatised you come on here moaning about something stupid?

He didn't chock, whatever that is. But yes he choked and it made me realise how unsuitable they would be to handle the situation being as it required a lot of my physical strength and I am medically trained.

I really am so glad so many of you see it from our point of view because we are being made to feel very paranoid and anxious by our families.

I'm amazed that so many elderly people,

What do your mothers have to say?

Can't they tell their parents to pack it in?

To be honest DHs mum doesn't see the issue and also thinks we are OTT.

My mum just won't get involved. So so so frustrating.

I do find it a bit odd and wonder what it is they want to do when I'm not there.

You know what I meant 😫 sorry if that was my child I wouldn't be using the fact that he nearly died as an excuse to not let them have him...like it was nothing and tbh have any of your children nearly died while they were looking after them? No? Mmmm yet they are unsuitable...think you need to look a bit closer to home about who is suitable to look after them.

Come off it, Lola, a piece of food can go down the wrong way for even the most carefully looked after child. OP isn't suggesting that that's her "excuse" - it simply reinforces her doubts which are perfectly reasonable even without that issue. To suggest that that somehow justifies leaving under 3 year olds with two carers who have mobility and cognition problems is just ridiculous.

Don't the older generations realise how rude it is to be constantly telling parents they want to look after their children without them around? It really is rude.

Also, the moment you leave the child a second longer than they're fun to play with, you are blamed for taking advantage. You can't win.

What's really rude is to keep asking after being told no

@LolaTheDarkdestroyer
I am more than competent. He choked on a cheese sandwich and I saved him, something they wouldnt be capable of.
I am concerned for you if you think you can prevent your children from choking on safe food, if you need a first aid demonstration or basic advice that parents should all know l am willing to provide you with this in order to help you to be a safer parent. It's quite dangerous to think you can prevent such an incident. Hope you are ok.

YANBU. I let the grandparents take our 4 month old overnight but they are ages 44,54,60 and 69 and 2 of them are retired nurses and one a still working midwife with 34 years experience. If we had another one I think I would wait till the youngest was 1 before letting them take both of them out. I would not let over 80 years old take 3 kids out by themselves unless they were both really fit And active (going to the gym and able to jog after them without getting out of breath) and even then I would only let them take 2 of them so they could look after 1 each. Maybe tell them you would be more comfortable if they had a younger friend with them so it could be one to one and they just go somewhere local to a park or softplay or similar?? That way they would have other people around to help out if necessary.

Agree totally about the choking being a good demonstration of why over 80s are unsuitable carers for THREE children under 3. You have to be cognitively fast enough to spot the problem - choking is by definition silent, very like drowning, if the other two are playing up at the same time you have to have eyes in back of head to spot it. You have to have the speed and strength to potentially lift the child up bodily or to get them into position, and then to give numerous appropriate blows or taps with the other hand. There are a lot of childcare situations where that sort of speed or strength is needed.

To the poster whose nana is 78, look at her again in 2 years, and then again in 4. There is a big difference imo between 78 and 80. But thee 80 year olds are already demonstrating typical mobility and cognitiissues of old age anyway. My MIL despite her dementia diagnosis and glacial reaction speed is convinced she can drive. It feels brutal to think it and harsh to have stopped her but she can't.