Page 2 | Family members asking to take my babies

Jackieyoulooknice · 2018-08-04T12:14:27+00:00

I have 3 children under 3. We are happy for both our mums to take the eldest out or have him at their house. However, there seems to be a weird obsession among the great grandparents to take them (individually) out and a lot of moaning that we don't let the children out of our sights. We are a bit attachment parenty but not strictly, it just feels wrong for me to let them away from me yet but I'm comfortable with our mum's as I know they're safe. I hate having a reputation as a weird mum in our family but the great grandparents are over 70. One has serious memory issues and the other one is disabled and can't run or lift them. To make matters worse, my eldest choked yesterday and I saved him, I know that our grandparents wouldn't have managed that. Am I being unreasonable not wanting them to go? How can i get it across to them that we don't like the jibes about how over the top we are and to stop asking us if they can take them out. My dad also wants to take my children (all 3) out on his own but I don't think that's safe as 2 of them are babies and I struggle controlling all 3 in public and I'm their mother. I feel so pressured and down. We are getting asked every week.

Lunde · 04/08/2018 14:06

BunnyBath: YABU and precious. Your poor kids! Loosen the reigns!

So you would seriously let your babies/toddlers go with a pair in their 80s with memory and mobility issues? That sounds pretty negligent

heartsease68 · 04/08/2018 14:10

Wouldn't it be more appropriate for your parents and PILs to speak to their parents about this? It's hard for you to say anything without sounding disrespectful.

You're not unreasonable at all. You can't please everyone as a parent so accept that now and let go of the desire to be seen as a lovely grand daughter. You're got to have a bloody minded attitude sometimes.

KirstyJC · 04/08/2018 14:12

I don't see why you need to worry about being disrespectful actually - they are disrespecting you by repeatedly making passive aggressive remarks every time you meet!

Watchingtheworldgoby · 04/08/2018 14:15

I was in a similar situation with elderly grandparents. I kept saying when they are older, got DH to speak to them about the constant requests for car seats advice, and finally came to a solution where they occasionally babysit in the evenings. That way the children are in their own home, are awake and they get their ‘alone time’ and read their stories and put them to bed. The children are usually calmer as they are surrounded by their own toys and they settle in their own beds. We don’t stay out late so the grandparents are home in their own house by 11pm. It gives DH and I a chance to go for a quick bite to eat, one of us doesn’t drink so we can drive and it is an inexpensive evening for us. As the grandparents don’t live near us, it isn’t a frequent occurrence. It is a compromise that might work for you?

SIL is someone I dislike and while I would think she is capable of minding the children, I simply don’t want her to have much contact with them as she gets very over involved while ignores what I say and tells the children they can do exactly what I just said they can’t do. I feel it is like a game to her. I tend to not answer her and at times when she has refused to take no for an answer, plans are made (I do not participate), and I then cancel them before the time saying the kids are not well. She knows the kids are not sick, I know she knows and while it sounds like awful behaviour, it is the only way I can make my voice heard without getting completely stressed/allowing my children to be played like pawns.

DarlingNikita · 04/08/2018 14:16

When they start on 'maybe mummy let us take you to out for a meal/to the stream/beach one day' just tell them lightly, with a smile, to stop going on about this please, you've talked about it already haven't you? etc.

AveABanana · 04/08/2018 14:22

I think it's perfectly normal for someone to say 'oh I wish I could take DGGC for a day' but at the same time accept that they are now 80 and unable to run after two toddlers going in different directions. Pushing it is not on.

I had this with my very frail alcoholic mother who would, during every supervised visit, desperately try to lure one or two children and place them in a dangerous situation just to prove she was still capable of looking after them. For example once I went to the loo and she told them it was ok to run out of the cafe and across the car park and over the road to get to the park... at the age of 2&3. She told them to jump in the swimming pool when I was putting the baby's armbands on. I had to rescue them. It was awful, and constant.

MrsDarcyIwish · 04/08/2018 14:34

What KirstyJC said. 100 %.

My in laws were like this. They were late 60s when dc1 was born but already totally incompetent and irresponsible at that age.

What's more they consistently tried to undermine me and my parenting choices so hell would have frozen over before I let them spend more than an hour or two with my dc unsupervised. They babysat and took them to MacDonald's a couple of times when they were a little older but that's it.

They live a long way from us so don't see them often but even when they do they are more interested in the idea of the dc than the reality of them and have never really tried to actually do anything with them ir get to know them as people.

My mil especially used to talk about us letting the dc spend holidays with them. I made it quite clear to my dh that this would only be possible when the dc were old enough to be aware of danger and take care of themselves to some degree - road safety awareness, being able to swim, for example (I was thinking of 7 or 8) and only if the dc themselves actually wanted to. He agreed with me on this, thankfully. My bil and his wife felt the same.

As it turns out my dc who are now in their teens never did and understood quite quickly just how batshit my pil are.

They kept going on about having the dc, and I kept reinforcing my boundaries. They didn't like it, but tough luck.

Stick your ground OP, and get you dh, parents and pil to speak up too.

PlatypusPie · 04/08/2018 14:39

Why do people keep restating that the great grand parents are in 80s whereas the OP says over 70 ??

Eeeeek2 · 04/08/2018 14:46

My fil is well into his 80s and believes he can look after my ds. Not a chance until ds is of an age to be able to follow verbal instructions and to question everything he eats (dairy allergy, and fil believe a little of anything won't hurt despite being told that a small amount could kill ds)

Dairy allergy aside, there is no way that fil could run after ds if he decided to run off, ds would probably pull him over if they used reins. He couldn't carry him if he decided to have a paddy. Even in a enclosed park he wouldn't be mobile enough to protect ds from his own toddler madness throwing himself off any slide and following big kids up stuff that is too much for a toddler

The end of the day I'm the parent and I don't care if I upset fil because my job is to protect ds. I tell him if he wants to take him somewhere I'm more than happy to take a backseat but I will still be going and watching like a hawk

JillianHoltzmann · 04/08/2018 14:47

Because op corrected herself in her second post. They are over 80

Catastic · 04/08/2018 14:47

Read on Platypus Pie.

MrsDarcyIwish · 04/08/2018 14:47

Aveabanana, my pil were like this. No concept of danger. My fil stood and watch my 18 month old flounder and go under in the paddling pool 5 feet away from him. I'd just popped back inside to get the suncream and had specifically asked him to watch them. I couldn't believe it! When I asked him why he hadn't reacted and helped dc get up gave him a bollicking he said it teaches them to be independent.

Two days later at the beach, I was getting the picnic stuff out, dh and his df had taken the dc down to the water. Dh had taken dc1 in for a dip. Dfil stood and watched smoking a fag as dc2 tried to follow.

By the time I had realised and reached the water at a sprint another lady had rescued him. She gave le the dirtiest look and I couldn't blame her.

These two incidents were the worst of many, many more.

One other which didn't put the dc in any danger but just showed how incompetent they were. They were visiting and I had asked them to watch the dc while I popped out to the shop. When I got back the two dv had emptied all their dvds onto to tiled living room floor and were scraping them round and walking on them while the pil watched and smiled.

Totally clueless.

toocool4cats · 04/08/2018 14:49

You are going to have to be truthful about how you feel op. Perhaps offering a light at the end of the tunnel? Like when DS is 7 you can take him to the beach?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/08/2018 14:50

If the family members are capable, physically, of looking after a child, and keeping them safe, the night I think it is a good thing for children to get to spend time with them - extra love and attention sound like a good thing to me, and the child would get to make some special memories with their great grandparent. They might benefit from contact with someone with so much life experience who will have lot so of interesting stories to tell them. It could enrich their lives.

Of course, if the great-grandparent isn’t capable of looking after the child, or keeping them safe, then it is a definite No - but if they can look after them, why deny the child that extra love and experience and those memories?

All three of my children spent time staying with their grandmother (dh’s mum), one on one, and they all loved it - I am sure they benefitted from having time as the sole focus of someone’s attention - not something that is easy to achieve when you have three small children - and they all have some lovely memories of her, which have helped them get through the grief when she died of cancer a couple of years ago. But we knew she was fit and active and well able to look after them - if she hadn’t been, we would have said No.

In the end, there is no hard and fast rule - it has to depend on the individual circumstances - but my bottom line would be the physical and emotional security of the children - I wouldn’t risk that, for the sake of some fun and good memories - but on the other hand, if they can keep the child safe, is it fair to deny the child that experience?

Lunde · 04/08/2018 14:53

Why do people keep restating that the great grand parents are in 80s whereas the OP says over 70 ??

The OP corrected this
RTFT

Watchingtheworldgoby · 04/08/2018 15:04

FILhas a habit of falling asleep within a short time of sitting in a chair. He denies it even though he will often wake up and say ‘I must have snoozed off’!!!!!There is no way I would leave my children alone with him.

MIL wants the children to sit still when they visit her. If they start running around (their VERY child unfriendly house), she gets really stressed in case they break something. She also likes to tell stories about BAD children and talks a lot about death and people dying, how animals who stray into her garden should be poisoned........, but she would like the children to visit her for a holiday. She never lets up about it. I feel very rude changing the subject all the time but I also think she is very rude to keep suggesting it when it is obvious to everyone including her that I am not happy about it. Part of the problem is she is used to getting her own way. I’m certain she will soon start suggesting it directly to the children and I have already decided if she does so, I will limit visiting her.

theOtherPamAyres · 04/08/2018 15:07

I am a grandmother and my mother (81years) is just the same, maybe even worse. I've found something that works for me

I look after my grandchildren while their parents work, so of course we are close. When I walk into a room, where we are all together (meals, birthdays) my mother will groan and say something like: "Well, I won't get a look-in now, I might as well go home". And she means it.

I take the children to see her once a week, and then "pop to the shops for a pint of milk" with the toddler in a pushchair, leaving her with the baby - yikes! My heart is racing for the next 20 minutes.

There is always a look of relief on her face when I walk through the door, but she's on cloud nine. She's had the baby's undivided attention with silly games and songs. She's been rolling on the floor.

She wouldn't have got that if I'd been in the room. She knows very well that she cannot cope with a baby or a toddler individually, so those 20 minutes mean the world to her. The children love it too.

mavydoes · 04/08/2018 15:08

You just made your case for no trips out in the post.

Over 80.
Restricted movement
Memory issues
Child choked.

Your doing what's right by safe environment for visits but imho as a mum it's a bloody big nono for trips out themselves.

And straight tell them, honesty is best policy and if they can't see reason then you ensure other family members know the reasons and your kids safety is paramount.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 04/08/2018 15:30

Just the fact that they are wanting to be responsible for the children makes me question their judgement!

Looking after other people's toddlers and (to a lesser extent) babies is SO stressful! I always collapse on the sofa afterwards and thank god for my fairly-reasonable DS.