Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

5 day "stag"

131 replies

fruitshot · 04/08/2018 09:44

Stag/hen do's.

This one is for the men, left Wednesday, won't see him again till Monday, 4 days solid drinking, foreign country.

AIBU to think this is excessive?

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitshot · 04/08/2018 12:23

Have chosen*

OP posts:
YodelOdel · 04/08/2018 12:40

@Fruitshot we always worked it so that when there was money left in the account at the end of the month that we hadn't used we would move it over to the savings account.

Maybe you could suggest that.

That way hopefully it builds up to do a last minute holiday between contracts. We work around the contracts but possibly in different field so might not be possible. It is just blacked out on the calendar so Dh doesn't work those days/weeks.

I do think you should take some time for yourself. I think your Dh might need reminding how hard it is parenting by yourself. I take my hat off to anyone who has been a single parent. Bloody hard.

Original poster
fruitshot · 04/08/2018 12:41

Thanks @YodelOdel
We do have a joint savings account which is a pot of money being added to continually, he just said he wasn't happy spending money out of it that we may need/could ring fence for other things.
His priorities are wrong.

OP posts:
YodelOdel · 04/08/2018 12:53

@fruitshot, yes sadly they are. My Dh is the complete opposite because his Dad only thought of himself. He hated that.

Dh made sure he took a few hours out every year to come to sports days at primary school because he knew it was important to the children, if he finished work early he would go and pick them up instead of me. They are now 15 and 12 (boys) and they love him to bits.

The only time he took very few holidays was the first 2 years of building the business but that was a long time ago now.

It sounds as if everything is great financially for you and so it is just about opening his eyes. Dh is the negative doom and gloom always worried things will go wrong and so he wouldn't do something in case it disappointed him. I pointed out if he never did it it would never have the opportunity to be amazing. Grin

FrangipaniBlue · 04/08/2018 12:55

I don't think you have a stag do problem, you have a DH with an attitude problem!!

I'd have no issue whatsoever with my DH going on a 5 day stag do in a foreign country and yes I'd be "one of those women" who was happy for him and genuinely interested in what they did/whether they had a good time.

But that's because if I wanted to go on a 5 day girls holiday (and I have
Done, hen do's in Magaluf and Marbella, friends wedding in America) I know DH would happily stay at home with DS and have no issue with it!

Once all household expenses and family holidays are paid for, each of us is free to spend our own money as we see fit, but no way would either of us be spending our own money on ourselves at the expense of not doing things as a family!

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 04/08/2018 12:56

I don't think his priorities are that wrong compared to yours. He's paid for a holiday for himself and you say you don't need to work so just don't. His is a one off cost, yours is ongoing daily with no end date. Both choices but both that can only be made because he works.

You could turn it on its head and say it's just as selfish as if you worked there could be more holidays.

KERALA1 · 04/08/2018 13:26

Take it as the fabulous get out of jail card that it is and book 5 days abroad with your friends. If there's money for him there is for you. Don't be a martyr drudge whatever you do. My girls trip started off as 6 now 20 of us. Fab fun and husbands can say not a word as they go away too. Oh and we don't leave lists or instructions either

AngelsSins · 04/08/2018 14:28

I don't think his priorities are that wrong compared to yours. He's paid for a holiday for himself and you say you don't need to work so just don't. His is a one off cost, yours is ongoing daily with no end date. Both choices but both that can only be made because he works

Who knew 24/7 childcare was free? Hmm you realise he can work all the hours he wishes and go away for 5 days because he’s got OP looking after his kids right?

rookiemere · 04/08/2018 14:36

What age are the DCs ( apologies if this has already been posted)?

Seasawride · 04/08/2018 14:42

This whole lads hols and girls hols is inexplicable to me either stag/hen related or otherwise.

I can manage one night away with the girls and that’s it. One day of shopping lunch and drinks is quite enough for me. I would be bored senseless doing that for longer. So would dh. I would miss the dog, my kids and him too much in thst order Grin

We got married in the 80s and my hen do was a night st the pub with my friends and sils. Dh didn’t have one.

What a waste of family money op. What a boring week with just mates. I completely agree with you op.

Seasawride · 04/08/2018 14:44

Can I add I know I am in a minority as all my girl mates do this and clearly love it. Wink

Pippylou · 04/08/2018 14:57

Er, cost up what the 24hr childcare would have cost, in the absence of OP providing it. Prob way more than the holiday!

Quartz2208 · 04/08/2018 15:01

Hold on does his child leave full time with you or has he left you in his contact time?

LeftRightCentre · 04/08/2018 15:03

What a selfish twonk. So his family cannot go on holiday because he went on a piss up? I don't understand entire weeks of drinking, either. People drink too much in this country. But sacrificing a family holiday for a stag do is not on. I'd actually go back to work FT if I were you and then you both pay towards childcare and then you get a 5 day holiday, too.

Seasawride · 04/08/2018 15:09

I can’t imagine being so selfish as sacrificing a family holiday for a girls/lads holiday!!!

Insanely selfish and just wrong on all levels. Kids need holidays too.

MarthasGinYard · 04/08/2018 15:10

Fine if you and dc get a break at some point too

Not fine if not

Seasawride · 04/08/2018 15:12

Oh sent too soon.

Yes I have friends who take the attitude ‘he went away so I am going to’ and they both spend thousands of pounds on being apart and the kids don’t get any holiday!

I don’t really think they understand the family comes first thing because that’s the fun thing.

How bloody sad.

happypoobum · 04/08/2018 15:50

I don't know how other women can slap on a smile and be "happy for them" when they are stuck at home with kids and their OH is having a whale of a time.

I think it's because they know their week in Sicily with their mates is already booked so they don't feel the jealousy or injustice which you, very rightly, feel.

Things have to change don't they? Tell him you need a break with your friends, arrange it a long time in advance and tell him he will have to have time off to look after DC.

Re family holiday - it sounds like he is all set to do that next year anyway?

He does sound selfish. A Big Talk appears to be in order.

StealthPolarBear · 04/08/2018 16:20

"Excessive for his liver as well. I cannot imagine anything more horrendous than day after day of binge drinking. Surely you'd be hungover after day 1"
I've often thought this. After a big night out I just want to crawl away and be alone. Last thing I want to do is more drinking with the same group.

speakout · 04/08/2018 16:24

A love of stag events is a deeply unattractive feature in a man.

It's no accident that my OH despises them.

Original poster
fruitshot · 04/08/2018 16:39

Just want to thank you all for the replies, was expecting to be told to shut up and that I am just a bitter old hag, but some really valid points have been brought up, which has really made me question what I thought was a solid marriage, but thinking about some past experiences and the bigger picture.
Thank you again 😊

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 04/08/2018 17:18

The honest truth is that there should be a three way split with the money, one for him to do on his own, one for you on your own and one for family things.

KERALA1 · 05/08/2018 07:57

The only fair way is this.

Family holiday only if small budget.

If there are resources both parents get equivalent friends only trip.

Kids missing out on a holiday or one adult swanning off whilst other misses out entirely is obviously unfair to any right thinking adult. Don't degrade yourself by passive aggressive huffiness though. It's so obviously unfair he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

GnomeDePlume · 05/08/2018 08:16

It sounds like the problem is that you as a family are time poor rather than cash poor. You said that you cant book things because he has to take contracts when they come yet he was able to book the time for this stag do back in December (did I read that right?).

So he could have booked a family holiday back in December rather than a stag do?

Original poster
fruitshot · 05/08/2018 09:41

Yes @GnomeDePlume you're right.

We have other circumstances which means his time is stretched very thin and it upsets me, knowing this, that his priorities are even not on point

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.