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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel already that I don't fit in with the other new school mums

83 replies

Howcantheybesobloodyselfish · 03/08/2018 22:38

I'm wondering whether we have made a mistake in choosing DD's new school. We have chosen an independent school which seems lovely - I have no concerns about the school at all.

Socially, however, it's an extremely different environment from that in which I grew up. We've arranged playdates with some of DD's new classmates over the summer and while the other mothers are very lovely, I have been left feeling a bit... I don't know, really. Socially flustered, perhaps, is the best way of putting it, and I'm worried that this might affect DD's chances of making new friends. My fairly strong regional accent probably makes it very clear that I am from a different background to the majority of the other parents. I can't really talk about riding or boarding school experiences. I feel as though I must stick out like a sore thumb and, what's worse, find myself putting my foot in my mouth regularly out of sheer discomfort or vague panic. DD got on like a house on fire with the little girl who came to play today and I know she'd like to be friends with her, but I am worried that the perfectly nice mum must think I'm a bit odd. What on earth is the matter with me?

The ridiculous thing is that I have spent most of my adult life surrounded by people from similar backgrounds - I was a City lawyer - and it never used to bother me at all. It was almost as though my job gave me an entry pass into that world. Now I'm a SAHM I don't have that automatic right of entry.

Does anyone else find the initial meeting of other new parents a bit stressful? Does anyone else feel as though they may have mucked it up already? I worry that I have put DD in this environment with one hand tied behind her back already, just by dint of being my daughter, and that perhaps I should have just put her into our village school full of other families like us. Is anyone else in the same position?

OP posts:
deste · 03/08/2018 23:00

You’ll be fine, you say you were a city lawyer, if someone told me that I would be very impressed with them. Don’t try too hard, they want their children to meet lovely friends and if they are genuine people they won’t even notice the accent. Honestly.

Ethylred · 03/08/2018 23:21

This is hilarious. Thank you OP.

CountessCon · 03/08/2018 23:25

Honestly, OP, I have yet to encounter a group of private school parents whose major topics of conversation centred on boarding school and Pony Club.

Original poster
Howcantheybesobloodyselfish · 03/08/2018 23:27

That's a bit harsh. It doesn't feel hilarious at all - I feel as though I may have put my little girl, who is the most important person in the world to me, into a situation where she will be disadvantaged because of something she can't help and I can't change. It honestly was the nicest school we saw.

OP posts:
soupmaker · 03/08/2018 23:31

PMSL I'm sure your DD will be just fine. Presumably you are going to allow her to be friends with kids who attend the village school, so she'll have pals to attend pony club with and pals who'll take her drinking cheap cider as a young teen.

Parsley1234 · 03/08/2018 23:32

I had a similar experience when my son started preprep but 9 years on it was ok. You find your groove and your daughter will find hers - I wasn’t a city lawyer I had a beauty salon and most were SAHM with minted husbands - you’ll be fine relax and take them for who they are.
There will be PC mums your daughter may want to do PC you may end up one of those mums !

QuarrellingElephants · 03/08/2018 23:33

Ethylred That was just mean.

OP - I've not been through this yet, but it sounds like you just need to find common ground for small talk. Once term starts you'll have teachers and homework and school trips etc to discuss! That's enough for your DD to have friends, and hopefully you can build up from there to friendships yourself.

heavandhell · 03/08/2018 23:34

I feel like that and I've known most of the mums four years but tbh they are all so lovely and I haven't had a bad experience yet.

Beeziekn33ze · 03/08/2018 23:38

Wait until the other mums discover you're a lawyer! 😉

My DiL has similar doubts to you about her accent and, in addition, her home and finances not being like the other mums. As it happens her DC has become firm friends with a child from a lovely home and with a well qualified professional mother. Take it easy, one step at a time.

Some of the other mums may be judging each other on the standard of their public schools on or how expensive their horses were. Just be yourself!

cadburyegg · 03/08/2018 23:41

Don’t worry op. I went to private school and out of all my friends I was the only one with a working mum , all the others were SAHMs. Yes there were very rich families but also plenty of families like mine who could just about afford private education. I was never judged for that, I’m 31 and have lifelong friends in some of the girls I went to school with. You aren’t expected to make best friends with the mums. I’m sure your daughter will thrive Flowers

careerontrack · 03/08/2018 23:46

DD spent the day yesterday with her best friend from Prep school. When I picked her up from their huge house the mum and I discussed their upcoming camping holiday, how she had left them for an hour to go to Tesco and we agreed that New Look is good for early teen girls. Their house is ginormous, their cars are extremely expensive, they do some incredible things but ultimately they’re as normal as they come. Not sure they’ve ever been on a horse, I never heard the word horse even mentioned in my 12 years of prep school experience.

Ladywillpower · 03/08/2018 23:48

What is hilarious here? Fortunately managed to avoid PMSL (what an awful phrase).

ScattyCharly · 03/08/2018 23:52

Your dd will happily make friends at school.

Forget about all this stuff.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/08/2018 23:53

Ok,I’ll be straight here.your dd is a school.its her world not yours.your overthinking the politics
You simply need to be cordial.friendly.osme will warm to you.others won’t
Don’t look to seek fulfilment or approbation from your dd school
Don’t mythologise school mums,the bins,the bonhomie.its a group of individuals thrown together randomly

SundayGirls · 03/08/2018 23:57

I can see where you're coming from. I also feel nervous meeting other school mums for the first time, particularly the ones who start organising stuff from the word go. I feel under pressure to "do", to "perform", to be "present" and it has the effect of making me all vague and "I'll check but I think we might be busy that day, what a shame"... just because I need more time to ease into things with people.

Then of course all the outgoing mums get together and I start to feel like I'm half a school mum or a shadow, and that it will affect DC's friendships. (It doesn't, in real terms. Kids will be friends in school time at least with who they like no matter how well the parents get along or not).

As for the accent, all you need to do is genuinely own your own past, your own experiences and so on. Don't shy away from your upbringing and don't be tempted put it down or make fun of it. (Or go the other way and wear it like a badge of honour. Not saying don't be proud of your roots of course. Just that it is what it is and your discomfort is what would be noticed more so than the actual upbringing or your accent.

Even in their seemingly similar circles, there will be a hierarchy of who had their own pony and not only that but who had their own stables. Who not only went to boarding school but who was head girl at boarding school or went to the "better" boarding school. Etc etc etc.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 00:02

You can and need to control this milieu,you’re an able capable adult.
School and it’s minatiae really doesn’t matter,unless yiu make it matter
PTA,Queen Bees,etc they only have power & credence if you defer to them
Your accent,is who you are.dont sweat school politics.i’d advise a light touch
Be cool,cordial.throw. A party invite folk.

venys · 04/08/2018 00:06

Actually I feel the same. I have moved to an area where logistically my son can only go to one school. It is a very multi cultural area so there is a lot of language and / or cultural differences. Although I get on ok with some of them - mostly through a toddler group - I couldn't possibly have anyone over as my house is a tip. My son isn't the kind of person to say can we have X over or can we meet Y at the park (although he meets some when we happen to go). So no playdates. One class party recently. I used to have friends who were similar through my city job and my hobbies. But now I just hate it. I live in a meh neighbourhood and I am nothing like the other parents. ( Although I think social anxiety is at play here too). I am glad to be on holidays so we don't have to deal with the stress of school. I am not sure what this means in the long run for my son friend wise but I am sure it will come out in the wash somehow (and hopefully I won't go insane in the meantime).

Ivymaud · 04/08/2018 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 00:12

I work ft never have weekday play dates.i occasionally meet at cinema/soft play/park
Kids will gravitate to their friends,folk they get. The parents are the taxi service that’s all

garethsouthgatesmrs · 04/08/2018 00:13

oh come on... you chose a school that you have to pay for and now you ae worried that your DD may not be posh enough. Surely as an adult you can recognise that peope who judge you for something so trivial are not worth the effort,

Either you are wrong about how judgmental these people are (highly likely) or they are horrendous people and you have condemned your daughter to a lifetime of growing up with twats

perhaps I should have just put her into our village school full of other families like us perhaps you should

Justgettothepoint · 04/08/2018 00:13

Be proud of your accent and where you're from. It makes you interesting and unique. Maybe you have lost a bit of confidence now you are a sahm? Just be yourself and don't try to fit in and it'll hopefully all come together.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 00:17

I don’t understand why adults get so over invested in school politics.

VladmirsPoutine · 04/08/2018 00:21

Do the village kids know how to curtesy though? That would probably be the deciding factor for me.

Crunched · 04/08/2018 00:22

I never heard the word horse even mentioned in my 12 years of prep school experience.
I'm guessing you are not in rural Oxfordshire then. I must say certain girls talked of nothing else.

Dottierichardson · 04/08/2018 00:25

OP in your job you had a clear role and that probably added to your sense of security. It's can be very hard if you've left work to adjust and to create a similar feeling of security in a totally new group. At work you would have had things in common with colleagues, at present you don't know what the areas of common ground are between you and the other mothers. It will take a while to work this out. I'm sure that there will be a number who feel the same way and some who will feel intimidated by your background in law. If they're as ultra posh as you think then they won't be bothered about things like accents, it's much less usual for everything to be RP these days anyway. Just take it slow and just aim to find at least one mum you have something in common with and take it from there. Also find out if there are any group activities that might help you get to know people better. A friend in a similar position started a book group, for example, and made friends that way. Another had film nights. Or see if there are any school activities/committees you could contribute to.

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